Modern social etiquette and eloquence

Chapter 11 Social etiquette and eloquence (3)
Before criticizing others, you must first clarify which thing or aspect of things to criticize from, the more specific and clear the better.If you are abstract and general, it will be difficult for the other party to understand what you mean.

(3) Suggestions are clear, do not misunderstand the meaning

Criticism and suggestions are closely linked. The main purpose of criticism is to hope that the other party can correct shortcomings and mistakes, so as to develop in the right direction. Of course, the suggestions should also point out the direction for the other party.However, some people's suggestions are not specific and confusing.If a guest wants to come to eat, the wife says to her husband: "Can you stop reading the newspaper?" It is better to say: "Can you help me set the table, chairs, bowls and chopsticks, the guest is coming." Another angle bluntly criticized the husband's laziness, and at the same time pointed out the direction for him to correct.

[-]. Rejection: Saying "no" tactfully

In life, we try or prefer to say "yes" as often as possible.Because this can shorten the distance between people and avoid unnecessary conflicts and troubles.But in fact, many times, due to the constraints and requirements of the actual situation, we have to say "no".But in the social process, the word "no" is not so easy to say.Improper rejection can easily make the other party unhappy or even annoyed. Many people lose friends, offend their leaders, and anger their partners because of improper rejection.Therefore, it is very important to know the eloquence of rejection.The general principle when rejecting others is: don't damage the self-esteem of the other party, and don't embarrass the other party.

1. Euphemistic and subtle
This method of refusal is to refuse indirectly, subtly, and tactfully through the left and right.This method of refusal is especially applicable to situations where someone pleads for something but cannot agree in principle.

Zheng Banqiao in the Qing Dynasty investigated and dealt with a bully named Li Qing when he was the magistrate of Weixian County.Li Qing's father, Li Jun, was a heavenly official of the Ministry of Punishment. After hearing the news, he hurried back to Wei County to intercede for his son.Li Jun visited Zheng Banqiao in the name of visiting friends. Zheng knew Li's intentions, and deliberately kept his eyes on how Li Jun got to the point.Li Jun saw that there were four treasures of study in Zheng Banqiao's room, so he asked Zheng Banqiao for pen, ink, paper and inkstone, and wrote on the paper: "Xie is a talented man".Zheng Banqiao saw that they were praising him, and he had to express it, so he also wrote: "Qingben is a beautiful woman".Li Jun's heart brightened when he saw it: "Brother Zheng, are you serious?"

"a man of his words!"

"My word 'Xie' is brother Zheng's name, and the word Qing..."

"Of course it's your son's treasure number!"

Li Jun was very happy: "Thanks to Brother Zheng for taking care of me, since my son is a beautiful woman, please be merciful, Brother Zheng."

"Master Li, why are you 'confused'? Didn't Li Yanshou in the Tang Dynasty say 'You are a beautiful woman, but you can't be a thief'?"

Li Jun blushed and had no choice but to bid farewell.Zheng Banqiao cleverly used the homophonic relationship between Li Qing's "Qing" and the "Qing" in "Qing is a beautiful woman, but how can I be a thief", and tactfully and implicitly rejected Li Jun's pleading. too embarrassing.

2. Retreat first and then advance
Instead of expressing one's own objection, take a step back and express agreement with the other party's point of view, and then put forward your own different views on the questions raised by the other party, which is called the method of retreating first and then advancing.This method is especially suitable for rejecting the opinions of authoritative people without losing face.

3. Emphasis on objectivity
Emphasizing objectivity refers to emphasizing that subjectively I am willing to try my best to help, but objectively there are many obstacles, and I am really powerless to help, and I refuse with many objective reasons.

4. Induce the other party to deny themselves
If you think the other party's request is unreasonable and it is inconvenient to directly raise it to the other party, you might as well play a little trick and set a trap to induce the other party to deny yourself.Using this method of refusal to induce the other party to deny themselves must be responsive and tactful in order to make the other party fall into the trap set by oneself without revealing any flaws.

5. Make reasonable suggestions to the other party

While explaining the difficulty of being unable to help the other party, give the other party some reasonable suggestions, help the other party think of ways, point out the direction, and make the other party feel that you are doing your best to help him, thus making up for the unhappiness caused by the refusal.

[-]. Explanation: essential, skillful expression

If you are late for work, you need to explain the reason for being late to the leader; if someone disagrees with one of your views, you need to give a theoretical explanation; if someone misunderstood you, you need to explain your motivation and purpose, etc.In social situations, interpretation is essential.How, then, can the interpretation achieve the desired effect?This requires following certain principles and using good language skills.

1. Seek truth from facts and be justified

The purpose of explanation is to clear up doubts, clarify facts, and convince people.Therefore, the explanation must be realistic and well-founded.Of course, sometimes it is difficult to speak bluntly due to the real situation, and you can also use euphemistic and implicit language to explain the reasons for not being able to speak bluntly, and ask the other party for their understanding.However, we must never fabricate reasons, look for excuses, and make excuses.In that way, even if the words are extravagant, it is difficult to be convincing, and it may cause the other party's resentment and refutation.

2. Express clearly and clearly

The expression of the explanation must be clear, otherwise, new misunderstandings will arise.

So, how to explain it clearly?The key is to be coherent, especially when explaining intricate situations.Before explaining, you must consider the order of the sentences, and be aware of it, and don't just say it casually, so as not to make people more confused after the explanation.Generally speaking, things always have a process of cause, development and result.When explaining, you can follow the sequence of this process.Secondly, vague words such as "maybe", "probably" and "possible" should be used as little as possible in explanations, and homonyms should be used less; at the same time, complete sentences should be used more in sentences, and components should not be omitted at will. Confused question.In terms of verbal expression, we must also pay attention to skills.Some things, if explained bluntly, may hurt people's feelings and affect the relationship, so we should use euphemistic and implicit expressions to make them easy for the other party to accept.However, although the way of expression is euphemistic and implicit, the expression must be clear, otherwise it is easy to produce negative effects.In addition, when expressing, it may be better to use the "synonymous substitution method", that is, to say the same meaning in another way.

3. The voice is humble and the tone is gentle
The explanation particularly emphasizes the emotional harmony between the two parties, so that the explanation will be more touching.Therefore, another principle that must be followed in interpretation is voice humility.The so-called humility of voice means that when explaining, we should pay special attention to the emotional function of language, use emotion to infect the other party, achieve emotional harmony, and make the other party believe in ourselves.

The first condition of voice humility is to do a good job in psychological communication.When explaining, if you can stand on the position of the other party and proceed from the other party's interests, then the other party will regard you as "one of your own", and thus believe and accept your explanation.Second, the tone should be moderate.When explaining, neither a questioning tone nor a contemptuous or mocking tone should be used, but a gentle and discussion tone should be adopted.The tone of voice is directly related to the effectiveness of the explanation work, so we must pay attention to it.

[-]. The Social Role and Power of Humor

Some people say: "Humor is an interesting, ridiculous, implicit, meaningful thing, and it is a way of expressing words and deeds based on a decent style, noble moral sentiments and ideals." Some people say: "Humor is a kind of thing. It can make the whole party cheerful and bring people fun." When a person is depressed, humor often brings him the joy of understanding, makes him get out of trouble, enhances mutual understanding with others, and improves the relationship.

So what is the great role and power of humor?
(1) Humor can help people out of difficult situations.

No matter what job you do, humor can help people get along with others, make friends, solve difficult interpersonal problems, and teach people how to get out of difficult situations.

Astor, a British congresswoman, once said provocatively to Churchill: "If I were your wife, I would poison your coffee."Churchill retorted: "If I were your husband, I would drink that cup of coffee." A simple sentence of humor made Churchill immediately get rid of the embarrassment.

(2) Humor makes people positive.

Treating life with humor, although it cannot change the reality of being distressed and frustrated for a while, it can greatly improve one's state of mind. The proverb says: "Learn three operas, and you will not be angry for a lifetime". This is the truth.In foreign countries, when citizens of some countries express their dissatisfaction with government officials' corruption, breaking the law, and dishonest behavior, they often express their dissatisfaction with extremely humorous words.For example, Americans are used to saying: "How can we teach children integrity and integrity? We can't even teach members of Congress." There is also such a witty saying in an African country: "The government just bought the Sahara Desert, Five years from now there will also be a shortage of sand."

(3) Humor can enhance people's self-confidence.

When a person forges ahead along his chosen ideals and goals, he will inevitably encounter various setbacks and failures, and sometimes he will be ridiculed.But humor can show great strength at this time, and can strengthen people's self-confidence to achieve another victory.Edison, the inventor, was beaten deaf when he was 12 years old because of an accident in a scientific experiment on a train, but he said humorously: After being deaf, you can eliminate external interference and concentrate on it, which is more conducive to inventing and creating.

(4) Humor is good for stating your point of view.

In real life, not all points of view can be answered positively, so humorous statements can act as a buffer.In interpersonal communication, we often encounter the situation of denying the other party's opinion. If it is not handled properly, it is very rude, and humorously denying the other party's point of view can often play a role in making up for it.Former U.S. President Eisenhower once told such a funny story: Someone invited one of his friends to play golf, and the friend replied: "Sorry, my wife doesn't like me playing golf." The man made fun of him and said: " It seems that you are afraid of her. Are you a man, or a mouse?" The atmosphere suddenly became tense.But the friend replied humorously: "I am a man, but my wife is afraid of mice."

This is a great example of humorously negating.The friend wasn't afraid of his wife, and didn't want to make fun of her, just to turn down an invitation to play golf.He responded to his friend's banter with such a witty pun, and the tension immediately eased.

(5) Humor can eliminate contradictions.

In interpersonal communication, or in life, there are always contradictions and frictions.If everyone had the attitude of life with a clear winner and a decisive battle, then "the world will be in chaos".Tempered with humor as a lubricant, this can be avoided.

A friend visited a quarreling couple with the hope of mediation, and he asked kindly as soon as he came: "How did your husband and wife quarrel end last time?"

The male host also replied humorously with the desire to reconcile with his wife: "Oh, she crawled towards me on her knees!"

The friend asked: "Really?"

The male host replied: "Is that still false? She crawled and said: 'Get out of the bed, you pussy'."

This humorous answer made his wife and friends laugh out loud.Turning the old quarrel into a humorous laughing stock, this trick not only reconciles the couple, but also strengthens the relationship between the couple.

Of course, humor also needs to pay attention to eloquence skills in order to better play its role.

1. Tell the truth
To say the opposite is to turn the words around, and the main method is to "derogate the meaning and praise the use".For example: in the 20s, people used tooth powder to brush their teeth more, and the tooth powder was packed in bags.At that time, a cross talk actor said that when the cross talk described the price of tooth powder was very high, he said: "It's only 40 yuan a bag." He asked him, "It's so cheap, what bag is it in?" The cross talk actor said: "The tooth powder bag !” The audience burst into laughter.

In addition to "derogatory praise and use", there are also "praise and derogatory use".For example, a man who is afraid of his wife is described as a "model husband" and so on.

2. Use jokes
Jokes can make the language full of humor and relieve people's tension.For example: At a family banquet, two guests had friction over trivial matters. At this time, the host made use of the topic and told a joke.

"In ancient times, a certain gentleman went to a friend's house for a banquet. The friend did not entertain him well, and only gave him a few drops of rice wine. Before leaving, he begged his master to slap each cheek on the left and right cheeks. The master didn't understand what he meant. He Said: The purpose is to let my wife see that my cheeks are flushed, and think that I have eaten enough..."

After hearing this joke, the two who were arguing just now couldn't help laughing, and the tense atmosphere was swept away.

3. Moderate exaggeration
Exaggerated methods are used to express humor, and the effect is also very vivid.

There is such a story in ancient China: The tenant said to the shopkeeper: "I couldn't sleep last night, it was too cold, and there were holes in the window. As long as there is a little light in the room, I couldn't sleep." The shopkeeper said strangely: "Then you Why don't you blow out the candle?" The lodger said, "It won't, because the flame is frozen."

Using exaggerated and humorous language, the tenant not only subtly criticized the hotel for being too cold, but also avoided a confrontation with the owner.

4. Don't understand words
Deliberately distorting the original meaning of words and interpreting special meanings is also a way to express humor.

Bills of the United States once compiled a "dictionary of devils".In this dictionary, the definition of politics is: "Politics is public activity engaged in for private gain"; the definition of diplomacy is: "the art of lying for the benefit of one's own country"; the definition of peace Is: "The stage of mutual deceit between the two wars."

What Bills uses here is the method of not explaining the words. The words seem absurd, but the details are meaningful.It not only makes people laugh but also makes people think.

5. Self-deprecating
Sometimes, self-deprecation can also create a humorous atmosphere.For example, when someone asks you to sing, and you are not good at singing, you can say: "I am tone deaf, and I am afraid that I will scare you away when I sing." Another example, someone saw you singing and dancing there, and said that your life is very fulfilling. , when your spare time is good, you can say: "I'm a beggar for Chinese New Year—poor and happy."

6. Use homophonic skillfully
With the help of the homonym relationship of homophones, humor can also be expressed.

Li Hongzhang, the middle hall of the Qing Dynasty, had a distant relative named Li, who was illiterate and keen on fame, and wanted to use the imperial examination to get a job as an official.Once, Li opened the test paper in the examination room, but he didn't know more than half of the words, which made him anxious like an ant on a hot pot.Seeing that the time for submitting the examination paper was coming, he had an idea and wrote on the examination paper: "I am the wife of Mr. Li Hongzhang Zhongtang." .When the chief examiner reviewed the test paper and read "I am the wife of Mr. Li Hongzhang Zhongtang", he couldn't help snickering, picked up a pen and wrote on the test paper: "So I dare not marry (take) you."

Here, the examiner uses the homophonic method. With the help of the homophonic relationship of the homonym (Qi-wife), the language has puns, and it is humorous to say this (I dare not marry you) and secretly say that (I am shallow in knowledge and cannot marry you). , hit the nail on the head again.

[-]. Words are a bridge connecting hearts

(End of this chapter)