Love is so close, you are so far

Chapter 14 So Close, So Far (3)
I am like a person walking in the desert. I have walked a long, long way. I am very thirsty. Suddenly I see a lake in the distance. The lake water is clear and sparkling. I am ecstatic, go forward , let’s go, but I will never get to the lake, I understand, it’s a mirage, I can’t get there.I can only change direction, if I go on, I will die in the desert.However, I still couldn't help but look back at the "lake" in the distance, and my heart was entangled with strands of melancholy, entangled, how I wish it was true.

However, that's not true!
I had to wave a knife to cut off those melancholy, cut off the fantasy, cut my heart blood gushing, really, it hurts, it hurts!

The blue bird does not spread the letter from the cloud, and the lilac is empty and sorrowful in the rain.

I think this poem is the best portrayal of my mood. Although my body is not closed, my heart seems to be separated from An He by thousands of mountains and rivers.

I think of An He every day, but what about him, he didn't say a word to me, he didn't seem to know my existence, or rather, he forgot.

When I quit my job in a furniture store, he would laugh at me; when I quit my tutoring job, An Jing would look at me tearfully.So, I can only embarrass myself, let myself be trapped here, stuck here.However, this kind of life won't be too long. We are going to practice. If we find the internship unit, I will have an excuse to leave here. I can give up on him and forget about him.Although it is difficult, I believe that I can do it. I still have a long life. I will meet the person in my life. Quan Dang Anhe is just a rehearsal. Doesn’t some people’s love need to go through rehearsals before it can be formalized? Are you on stage?In addition, I must also do it, I can't let myself sink, in fact, it is impossible for me and Anhe, behind him there is Milan, there is quiet, there is his career, there is his world, why should I insist on squeezing? go in.

Thinking about it this way, he originally thought about me, for my own good. In fact, I also thought about this level, but I just didn't want to accept it.I hope he misses me as I miss him; I hope he loves me as much as I love him.But, it's impossible, he's more rational than me, he knows how to advance and retreat, but I'm like a fool, I keep rushing forward with my eyes closed, and finally scare him away.Think about it, feel ridiculous and sad.In fact, I just accidentally fell in love with someone I shouldn't love, but I suffered so much for him in my heart. It's okay for him to know. If he didn't know, wouldn't he be wronged and really worthless.Hey……

Because of the need to find an internship unit, our courses have been reduced a lot, and a lot of time has been added at once.

Mi Yao asked me to go shopping with her. Her father had already helped her find an internship unit in the Propaganda Department of the Municipal Party Committee.Although I didn't find the internship unit and I was in a bad mood, I still went shopping with her.

Mi Yao bought a bunch of things, so I carried bags for her. After four years, how much sweat I have put in for her.Fortunately, this girl is quite conscientious. Every time I finish shopping, she takes me to a restaurant to reward me, and this time is no exception.

Mi Yao took me to a restaurant that looked pretty good. When I was ordering food, a woman’s laughter came to my ears. It wasn’t that she laughed so sweetly, but that her smile was too harsh, like a spatula scraping dirt from the bottom of a pot. .

I looked at it casually, it doesn't matter if I don't look at it, I saw An He.My heart pounded, God knows how long I haven't seen him, God knows how much I long to see him.

However, it happened to be this time, a very inappropriate time - he was in the middle of a large table, and the "shovel" was sitting next to him, and the "shovel" was leaning against him, and one of her arms seemed to be Holding An He's arm, any fool can see that their relationship is extraordinary.How to describe a "shovel", for example, there is such a kind of woman, such as several popular actresses, who have a beautiful face, but the voice of the mouth is greatly reduced, and the "shovel" is exactly this kind of woman. A woman, although her laughter is harsh, she looks absolutely beautiful.The skin is fair and tender, the lips are sexy, the smile is charming, the breasts are plump, and her waist, her thighs, although I can't see them, I can guess that, it turns out that An He likes this kind of Type, it turns out that An He has a lover, it turns out...

My heart began to sink, sink, and keep sinking, but it couldn't sink to the bottom, it just hung in the air like that, couldn't go up, couldn't come down... I would rather fall into the dark abyss, that way I can see nothing It doesn't matter, or go to the clouds, I can't see An He anymore, but I am suspended in mid-air, I see him, and the woman beside him.I once imagined, longed for, and looked forward to. For a moment, that piercing laughter was like a needle, piercing all the bubbles in my heart one by one, leaving me no shadow.The only fantasy I had was gone, gone, nothing.

Some are just a feeling in the throat, as if something is blocked and you can't breathe.

However, I can't show my pain, Mi Yao is in front of me.I tried to swallow my saliva, and turned around.I saw the shock on Mi Yao's face - she also saw An He and "The Spatula".An He is her brother-in-law, she has reason to be shocked.

Because An He was sitting at the innermost table with them, and Mi Yao and I just sat down and ordered something to eat, so we didn’t notice An He, but "Wok Shovel" led us over with laughter, as in the fairy tale Witches often confuse people with their laughter. I believe that the "shovel" must be the incarnation of a witch.

Mi Yao's face was pale, she seemed as shocked as I was at all, she stood up and pulled me away, what I wished for.We fled in a hurry, each for its own reasons.

At the moment I escaped from the gate, I couldn't help turning my head. I saw An He's eyes. He was looking at Mi Yao and me. Maybe our escaping movements were not elegant enough to attract his attention.I don't know how he feels, but I don't care, I just want to run away quickly.

Mi Yao's face was always pale. I didn't expect her to care so much about Milan. I believe that only people who care too much about their loved ones would be so shocked.I realized later that this is not the case.

We all lost our appetite, Mi Yao went home, I went back to school, Mi Yao said sorry to me, but she didn't know that I couldn't eat all the delicacies in front of me.She's just shocked, and I'm still sad, sad, disappointed, painful, depressed... She won't understand.

I really want to cry but have no tears, and want to laugh without sound.

When I got back to school, I felt like I was exhausted. I lay in bed and couldn't get up. I lay down from the afternoon until the next morning.My roommate thought I was sick.Yes, I was sick, and very sick, and there was no cure for it, and tears didn't work, so I didn't cry, not a drop, I just kept my eyes open and looked into the dark night.I have never experienced such a dark night, so dark that there is no edge, no end, like a bottomless pit.

When I got out of bed, I had made a decision.

Now that the only fantasy in my heart is gone, there is no need to miss anything. Long-term pain is worse than short-term pain.I am still very decisive and brave sometimes, and I admire myself a little.

I went to the furniture store.Surprisingly, An He was there, as if waiting for me.

He can always guess my mind, he is sure to eat me!
I thought he was going to say something and wanted me to stick with the furniture store job, but I miscalculated, he didn't, he signed the resignation paperwork done by the store manager for me.Anhe, what a warm word, but the handwriting is so cold, like a knife, like a sword, like a needle, like a thorn, like any sharp weapon that can pierce my heart.

Feifei and the other clerks really thought that my resignation was because I was going to be an intern.But An He knows the reason, but he looks at the sadness and despair on my face calmly, I believe he can see it, he can see through my heart, he will not fail to see the expression on my face .

I took my salary and left the furniture store. The envelope was not thin. I believe that An He had already made preparations.He has paved the way for me. If I don't resign, I will look ashamed.I thought I had a bit of backbone, but I didn't expect that I still didn't jump out of his plan.

Next, it's time to resign from An Jing's tutor. Although I feel a little bit sad and worried that An Jing will look at me with tears in my eyes, what can I do? I have nowhere to go, so I can only feel sorry for the innocent An Jing.

However, An He stopped me after I left the furniture store. He figured out what I would do next, but it was inconvenient for him to say it in the furniture store, so he let me go away from his eyes, and the bottom of my heart at that time It was so painful, I wished he would pull me, he didn't, I thought he wouldn't, in fact, he would, he pulled me after I had walked some distance by myself, he pulled me into the car.

He didn't speak, but concentrated on driving, with a dignified expression.I didn't speak, I had nothing to say, I didn't know where he was going to take me, finally, the car was parked beside a remote road, there were few pedestrians and vehicles, the road was lined with tall trees, and the sun shone through The leaves cast mottled shadows all over the place, deep and shallow.

An He got out of the car, walked under a tree, and didn't call me. I sat in the car for a while, and got out of the car too, but I was a little away from him.I don't want to be close to him anymore, he is a mirage, out of reach.

But, he came up to me and got close to me, along with the smell of tobacco and plants on him.He didn't hug me though, he just stood in front of me and I could see the base of his beard.My heart beats faster, I'm hopeless, I can't lie to myself, I still have feelings for him, this feeling is not found in other people, only for him, only for An He, he is the one in my life , It is the catastrophe in my life, the grievance of the previous life, and the sorrow of this life.

"As a father, I implore you not to leave the silence, okay?" His voice was sincere, real.

He knows his daughter's attachment to me, so he doesn't allow me to leave his daughter, and doesn't allow me to make his daughter unhappy. He has to do everything possible to protect his daughter.What a great father, what a selfish An He!

"I can't leave An Jing, but can I leave you? You know how sad it is for me to leave An Jing, but do you know how painful it is for me to leave you? Why do you never think about me? You are too selfish Already!"

"Sorry, I have my reasons."

"Is your difficulty because of the 'shovel'?"

"What, what spatula?"

"It's the woman from yesterday."

An He smiled, looked at me, and asked, "You call her a spatula?"

Distressed?Hmph, I just want to make you feel bad. The more you feel sorry for me, the happier I am. I understand Zhang Junrui's attitude towards me at that time.

"Why do you call her that?"

"Doesn't her voice sound like a spatula scraping the bottom of a pot?"

"Haha..." An He laughed loudly, and patted my head with his hand, as if he had forgotten the festival between us.

But I didn't laugh, I just watched him laugh, what's there to laugh about, maybe he laughed because he loved his woman.

"You like her type of woman, don't you?"

An He stopped laughing and did not answer me. He lit a cigarette and started smoking.

"Can I have a cigarette?" I looked at An He.

An He was stunned for a moment, put out the cigarette in his hand, and said to me, "I'm sorry."

"Why can't I do what you can do?"

"Let's not talk about this issue anymore. An Jing likes you, and you like An Jing. Let's not vent the grievances of adults on children, okay? Don't leave An Jing."

I do not speak.If I continue to stay by An Jing's side, I will continue to miss him and fantasize about him. Only by leaving everything related to him can I completely erase him from my mind.

"Ye Mei..." His voice was very gentle, but I knew that he was because of his daughter, not me.

He actually plotted against me, took advantage of my weakness to plot against me, it was too despicable, anyone could plot against me, but he couldn't... For a moment, all kinds of hatred, all kinds of sorrow, mixed with all kinds of grievances came to my heart, tears Unable to control it, it fell down with a bang, bang bang bang, on the back of the hand, on the ground, and into An He's arms.

An He hugged me again.But I don't believe him anymore, he is despicable, shameless, his hug is for his daughter, he doesn't care about my feelings, I cry, I laugh, I am happy, I am sad, it has nothing to do with him, he thinks I am Air, when I am the wind.He just called my name, just hugged me, just wiped my tears with his hands, no extra words.How I wish he would say some nice words to coax me. It’s okay to say I’m nice, cute, or like me. Why can’t he say what others say so easily?

"Ye Mei, you have to trust me, I'm doing it for your own good..." He finally said something else. I don't know if it was the truth, but after only saying this sentence, there was no more to say.

He held me tight, and I could feel his bristly beard on my face, even though he didn't kiss me.But I kissed him, I pressed my lips to his mouth, I gave him my first kiss, I don't know if it's called a kiss, but how I longed for him!My tears wet my lips, and his.He didn't move his lips, he let me press them, passive and active, in short he didn't move his lips, I tasted the smell of tobacco on his lips, I tasted his breath, and the bottom of my heart He was desperate, he refused to kiss me, he should have kissed me, as described in the novel, kissed me sweetly, kissed me affectionately, kissed me fiercely... But he didn't, he didn't!

I left his embrace, ran to the side, squatted on the ground, and burst into tears. I guess my voice must be higher and harsher than that of "Shovel".

An He came to me, squatted down, and called my name.

Tears seem to have been stored for thousands of years, I can't stop crying, I can't wash...

However, I couldn't let it fall unscrupulously, I wiped away my tears, stood up, looked at An He, "I promise you, I will not leave An Jing."

"What can I do for you? As long as I can do it, I will do my best."

I want you to love me, can you do it, you can't, so what can I ask you to do, nothing!

I shook my head, there is nothing I want, you can't give me what I want, you can't give it, you can't give it!

Mi Yao also came to school after being sick for a few days, listless, it seems that her illness is different from mine, it is a real illness.

(End of this chapter)