Hunter and Hussar

Chapter 66 No one has the right...

"Brother, cheer up. Please."

Pu Yun squatted in front of me, tapped my knees with his fingers, trying to make me happy.A Hua and Zhao Rui were also close to me, giving me the feeling that a felon was guarded by three policemen.

"Brother, I know you are sad. We are all very sad. After Brother Xian left, I didn't go to school for two weeks. Brother Rui also said that he had a nightmare for a month. Ah Hua actually wanted to find you several times, but When we arrived at your house, we didn't even dare to knock on the door. We all think the same thing. Brother Xian is each of us's best friend..."

"Don't mention these things. The more you mention Pewe, the sadder you will be. Let's talk about something else." Ahua said.

Pu Yun nodded hastily, tilted his head and pondered for a while, then continued: "Brother, I know that both of you brothers love reading. In fact, I also like reading. Do you know Tolstoy? A great Russian writer. I think There is a story that Tolstoy had a young son who died at the age of seven..."

"Stop talking about it, okay? Why do you keep talking about whether you're dead or not?" Ahua complained.

"It's fine." I shook my head and told him I'd listen.

"You let me finish the story." Pu Yun blinked aggrievedly, "One evening after the death of the youngest son, Tolstoy and a young writer were walking outside. The spring breeze was blowing, and the two of them walked through the white snow Tolstoy started to cross the canal, so fast that the young writer almost missed him. At this time, he turned around and said to the young man that the deceased was a good boy, very cute, but he Dead. However, there is no death, there is no death in the world. As long as we love him, he is still alive.

"Brother, I think Brother Xian hasn't left us either. As long as we still love him and remember him, he hasn't left. I dreamed about him, as if he was really still there."

I have never dreamed of Xianxian.Of course Tolstoy can say that there is no death, and that he did not kill his young son.

"Brother Xian must hope that we can all be happy. If he sees you so downcast, he will definitely blame us as friends for not doing our best." Pu Yun had a coaxing expression on his face, "So, let's Have a good time!"

I smiled at him very cooperatively, and he jumped up happily.

"Yes! That's it!" He was like a teacher praising kindergarten children, "So, let's make an agreement here! It only belongs to the four of us, no, it's an agreement for five people."

"What agreement?" Zhao Rui asked.

"I just ask Brother Xian to be a witness in heaven. We are friends now, and we will always be friends in the future. We must inherit Brother Xian's dream and continue to play the ball, no matter whether it is in middle school or university, work or retirement. , let's not forget him, and don't forget to play football. We came together because of football, even if we are separated, as long as we are still playing football, we can think of each other." Pu Yun stretched out his His little finger kept shaking, as if he was ready to pull the hook with us, "As long as we persist in Brother Xian's love and ideals for football, he will stay by our side forever. In this final, I will try my best to win." You want to get the championship, right, Hua?"

A Hua nodded, and so did Zhao Rui.I watched indifferently, and there were long-lost smiles on their faces.

"Brother thinks the same way, right? You're getting better and better, and you're a leader. Brother Xian must be very pleased to know. Brother Rui, have you decided on your captain for next season? We've decided to give Ah Hua, I think the captain of the No. [-] middle school is very suitable for the elder brother. The elder brother will definitely be as handsome as Brother Xian when he wears the armband..."

He's still babbling.To inherit my brother's dream?I hate that phrase from the bottom of my heart.

"enough."

The three of them looked at me in bewilderment.I tried to be calm and restrained, not to let that emotion go to my brain again.After it ebbed, I felt sober, knowing what I wanted to say and how to express it like never before.

"Stop talking like that. No one has the right to say anything about inheriting his dream. Me too."

"Brother?" Pu Yun was obviously confused by me, and the two of them were no exception.

"Xianxian is dead, we are still alive, understand?" My eyes widened, they shook their heads one after another, a kind of uncommunicable irritability agitated me a lot, and their hands followed suit, "It is impossible for us to know who he is What do you think. You say he will be happy or sad, and what dreams he has, that is all your own thinking, not his! We have no way of knowing what he thinks. He is dead, gone, Even if I dream of him, isn't that also my dream? What does it have to do with Xianxian? When a person dies, there is nothing left."

"But big brother... doesn't Brother Xian like playing football very much? Isn't football your brother's dream?" Pu Yun looked at me in panic, as if his long-standing belief had been shaken.

"At least my dream is not football. He didn't pull me to play football. I will never touch this thing in my life. I hate this sport sometimes. It would be nice if Xian Xian played basketball or baseball so that he would not die. .to die for a set of gloves that you don't have, that's fucking absurd."

"If you don't like it, you don't like it. Why do you say Brother Xian doesn't like it! How do you know he doesn't like it!"

Instead, Pu Yun quarreled with me.This is the first time.

"Because he died at the age of 11, didn't he?" I growled, "If I died at the age of 11, would you also think that I like playing football very much, and then I made an appointment with Xianxian to play in this ghost?" The place commemorates me together, saying that I am not dead at all, and I want to inherit my dream. What a mess! When a person dies, he is dead. Don’t bring the plots in Japanese anime into my life and my brother’s life! My brother has not yet It’s gone before you have time to think about what you want to do in the future. What right do you have to put what you like on him? A dead man can’t speak. I don’t allow you to take advantage of him like this! Don’t deceive yourself anymore, don’t you Like to impress yourself?"

"Ke Peiwei! I don't allow you to call Brother Xian dead, even if you are his brother! Don't call me that!"

"Did I say something wrong? Can't you hear the truth? Those who died were my relatives, not yours!"

A Hua and Zhao Rui stopped him in time, otherwise Pu Yun would have kicked me.

"Kepway, you bastard! I thought you were just like me! You don't deserve to be his brother!"

"Who do you think you are? You are God, you know what the dead think?"

I said that word again.In that moment, I was deliberately trying to piss him off.That night, when I went to the bathroom alone, I thought of how many times I mentioned this word today, so I suddenly leaned on the wall and burst into tears, thinking that ten thousand times death would not be too much.But this afternoon, Pu Yun broke free from Zhao Rui's control, kicked me to the ground, grabbed me and beat me hard, but I still insisted on repeating the word.This scene is probably similar to Luda punching the town of Kansai.A very short Ruda.I really deserve it.Maybe it was because I wanted to be beaten harder, so I said that.Not sure.

"All right, all right, we're all friends, don't be so hands-on."

They finally pulled Pu Yun away.

"I don't have such a friend, it's a clean break! I don't know this bastard! Never see him again!" Pu Yun buried his head in Ahua's arms and sobbed, crying and saying why the one who died was Xianxian, why did such a good person like him have to die.

Zhao Rui helped me up, who was covered in ashes.

"Do you think I don't think so?" I looked at Pu Yun who was still crying and said, "I also hope that the person who died is not Xianxian but me. What can I do?"

After I finished speaking, I cried again.A Hua and Zhao Rui froze in place, Pu Yun turned his head, rubbed his nose with his hands, shook off the anger just now, and slipped quietly to my side.

"Brother, I didn't mean that. Don't think so."

"Actually, both of you care about Peixian very much. It's just that you have different ways and think different things. But I don't think anyone is right or wrong." Zhao Rui patted both of us on the arm at the same time, "After the fight, Still a good brother. There are so many people in the world, how difficult it is for you to meet, why do you have to separate forever?"

Pu Yun silently walked behind me and helped me pat the ashes off my back.

"But I didn't expect that Pei Wei can't even beat Pu Yun now." A Hua scratched his head.

"No way, Pu Yun is already very strong, and he didn't even use his unique skills!"

"Ah, brother, you are not allowed to say it!" He was startled, and came back from behind me.His unique trick is to bite people. He has tried a hundred times before.But now that we are older, he probably won't use it anymore.

I winked at him knowingly.

"Actually, he let me go. He didn't fight back." Pu Yun looked at me, "If brother really wanted to hit me, I would definitely not be able to. Think about his chokehold, I don't know who learned it from, it's accurate , timely and perfect."

I used to be so good?

"So think about it, Peixian was shoveled by someone, and Ke Ke chased that person to beat him, how could he not care about Peixian? That's his own brother." Zhao Rui said, stretching out his hand to scratch Pu Yun's skin nose.

"I'm sorry, big brother. I shouldn't have hit you. As soon as I felt that what you said didn't suit me, I wanted to do it. Brother Xian is very important to me, and I always regard him as my brother. I'm sorry, but you two are Brother. You have your own ideas. I should respect you. After all, you live together. In fact, I am quite jealous of you. I am jealous that you have such a good brother. After he is gone, sometimes I can't help but want to put you As him, I hope you become like him, and use you to replace him. This is wrong, it is my wishful thinking. "

I didn't say a word and hugged him.

"However, Keke, don't you really like football? I think we had a good time in the team this year. We won the game and when the coach praised us, you laughed as happy as everyone else. When Le and Rui Yang worked hard to defend together, you were also full of fighting spirit. Are these all fake? Everyone likes you very much." Zhao Rui asked again.

I lowered my head and bit my lip.

"It's not fake. I also like to be with everyone. Just be with everyone."

"Okay, I've been crying for a long time today, don't cry any more. Man, if you cry again, you'll scratch your nose." Zhao Rui rubbed my hair.

"Actually, it would be nice if you told us earlier. We are all here." Ah Hua said, "But it's good that you have so many new friends now. After all, Pu Yun and I can't be by your side all the time."

"I'm sorry, brother, I take back what I said before. Let's get back together." Seeing me nodding vigorously, Pu Yun became more courageous, "It's just that I want to understand why you said no one Has the right to inherit his dream?"

"As you said, no one can replace anyone. Xianxian is always himself. We can't replace his thoughts with our own. He is gone, and we have no way of knowing his thoughts. He does like football, but He never said that football was his dream. Before Xianxian could tell me what he was going to do, he left so suddenly. No one can know whether a person has a mind or a soul after death. Maybe Not at all. The desire we think of is self-comfort, or a little motivation for ourselves. But, I don’t like it. I don’t like the kind of passionate inspiration in Japanese anime, which is far away from our lives. Alone Leaving me, he is the closest person to me, there is no way I can get any motivation because of his departure. Death is cruel. In real life, the story of sacrificing one person to make another person rise is disgusting. I would rather be myself I can do nothing, be a wimp, and I don’t want to sacrifice anyone to make me “wake up”. Life and death are extremely heavy, and they cannot be taken lightly. I don’t know why I am playing football now, and I don’t know why I want to go back. to the court, but I understand that I am by no means trying to fulfill my brother's wishes. The living and the dead are not equal. The living have everything in life, and the dead have nothing. He should be given some peace, We already have everything he doesn't have, so stop making such a fuss about yourself. Because, we haven't died, and we can't really imagine what happens after death."

I didn't tell them all of my inner thoughts, at least the most important point: I was the one who ruined Xianxian, how could I be qualified to inherit his dream?I have harmed a person and said that I want to live a better life for him, what a shameless idea.In fact, when I quarreled with Pu Yun just now, I more or less regarded him as myself.I don't allow myself to inherit his dream, so I simply think that Pu Yun has no such right.It's like he thinks he wants to follow Xianxian, so I must follow Xianxian too.We are doing completely opposite things, but the thinking in our minds is very similar, revealing a strong and primitive stubbornness.

"Brother, I understand. But, I still don't quite agree. Can you?" I nodded, and Pu Yun put his head on me, "Brother, have you ever heard the saying, 'Your rose for you Take your time and it will be unique to you.' I've put a lot of time and effort into Brother Xian and I believe I'm carrying on his dream and I believe he'll be happy to know that I'm working hard to catch up to him , Is this really wrong? Brother Xian will always be my goal. I know that you have devoted more time to him, much more than me. But Brother Xian is not only your brother, he is also my friend, He's done a lot for me too. So there's a unique part of him to me. Maybe it's a bit of my fantasy, but it's very important to me. Without Brother Xian, I don't know where I would be now What's it like."

To be honest, Pu Yun, I really envy you.I envy that you can dream of Xianxian, envy that you can chase after Xianxian without any worries, envy that your hands are so clean, and have not been stained with other people's blood.And I can never be like you again.There is no possibility of undoing the mistakes made in the past.

Is it really doomed?What about my life?It is destined to be unable to wash away the blood of others, and it is destined to be dry and sinful, as long as I still have a conscience.

But I can't let go of it yet.

"Peve, you're in a daze again. Don't think too much." Hua shook me, "You always think too much."

"Ah Hua, don't say that. It's not a matter of thinking too much or not." Zhao Rui put his arms around my shoulders, "He has his own thoughts. Don't believe so firmly and seriously, only normal, positive , Happiness is useful. Suffering may be as beneficial to people as happiness.”[1]
I don't know what he is talking about.

"Brother, Brother Xian can't come back. I can't do anything big, but at least you have to be good. If you think I'm wrong, I will never play football again. I can do it. Can you be happier like this? ?”

Pu Yun's firm and solemn gaze made me feel ashamed and afraid.Growing up, I carefully expected that I would not be the one to laugh at other people's dreams.Now that Pu Yun said these words to me so seriously, I suddenly feel that I have the possibility to change the trajectory of other people's lives once again.I will never make the same mistake again.Perhaps I still feel that "inheriting Xianxian's dream" is nonsense, but I know that Pu Yun likes Xianxian and football, and I also like watching him keep falling and getting up on the stadium, as if telling For everyone, as long as there is a breath left, everything is still possible.I like this belief, and I envy Pu Yun for having it.No matter how self-defeating and hard-hearted I am, it is impossible to interfere or disturb the firm will of others.Pu Yun will always belong to himself, to that clean heart that refuses to bow its head.

I ruined my own life, and I can't ruin anyone else's.

"Pu Yun, I am also very mean when I speak myself. You should be angry. I will try my best to be gentle in the future, especially to my closest people. You will catch up with Xianxian. I will win the championship this year. I don't know Will Xian Xian be happy, but if you win the championship, I will be happy."

"Big brother."

"Ok?"

"If you are free, come to my house to play. Brother Rui and Ahua will also come together."

He scratched his head and said that he had wanted to invite me for a long time, but he did not expect to come today uninvited.But it's too hasty to count. Next time, we have to have a good time, and we are not allowed to come or leave as soon as we say it.

I agreed.Now it's time to find a place to wash your face well, the afternoon is almost over, and I have to go back to school for the exam in the evening.I have to clean up a bit so Mom and Dad can't see what I've been through in the afternoon.No matter how much you try to clean, some things can never be washed off.They sent me downstairs to my house. After turning around and leaving, the shadow gradually disappeared into the sinking sunset.They went to the side of the sun.and I?After the sun sets, I can only slowly walk back to the darkness that belongs to me.

[1] This sentence by Zhao Rui is a paraphrase of Dostoevsky’s Notes from Underground.

(End of this chapter)