Tales From the Terran Republic

“Here you go, Karashel,” the Baleean doctor said as he handed her a small spray bottle.

“Thanks, doc,” Karashel said happily, “You are a lifesaver, again, hee hee.”

“I just have to know,” the doctor said in confusion, “What do you need a kttscrit tranquilizer for?”

“Well,” Karashel replied, “I’m going to go out into the garden, catch a few, knock them out… and then stick them all over my naked body.”

“Fine,” the doctor snorted wetly, “Don’t tell me.”

***

Trooper Kva grumbled as they tried to get comfortable behind their wall of dirt bags.

Dirt bags... he thought, just like those void worshiping humans in the locus and the accursed Kalent for not letting them just bomb the place.

“I can’t believe they have us sheltering behind bags of dirt,” he muttered to his comrade.

“It’s not like force fields did any good,” a squat scaly Makkan replied, clutching his needler. “They say a human is who told them to use these. I just wish we didn’t have to fill them.”

“Oh, that makes me feel so much safer,” Kva said, flicking out his long tongue to indicate humor, “Just like the humans, tricking us into digging our own graves.”

The Makkan poked a wooden box above the sandbags and peered into a little hole.

“What’s that?” Kva asked.

“It’s a light bender,” the Makkan replied. “It’s an old trick from my homeworld. It has two mirrors in it that let me look in this little hole and see what the top of the box sees.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Is it?” the Makkan asked. “It doesn’t use any power, is easy to make, and I don’t oblige the humans, or the eels for that matter, by presenting my anterior segment for them to excise.”

“See anything?”

“Just those shiny Kalent grav-tanks.. or drop ships… or fighters... or whatever the filth they are.”

The scanner between the pair beeped.

”What’s that?” the Makkan whispered urgently as he pulled down his periscope and flattened against the ground.

“Relax, Hyy,” Kva replied, “It’s just some local wildlife.”

***

Inside the brightly lit white interior of the Sharpscale, one of the noble and venerable “longspine” class ground effect craft surrounding the Great Lord and the loathsome humans that his Holy Excellency had deigned to humor for some unknown reason, Fast Strike Captain Ukovvan glanced over at his second.

“Analysis?” he asked as he floated in his command pod.

“It is an assembly of reflectors set in a box of some natural material,” his second replied, her beautiful scales catching the light as they always did. “I believe it’s some sort of sky gazer, sir.”

“Sky gazer?”

“They used them to look above the water in ancient times,” his second replied with her lovely voice. “I saw one in a museum when I was a child. I can see a Makkan’s eye looking at us through it… See?”

She zoomed in on the end of the periscope.

Captain Ukovvan laughed.

“Hey, if it works,” he bubbled trying not to look at his second’s posterior fin.

There was a sharp tone from the console.

“It’s nothing,” his second said with a dismissive flick of her gorgeous tail, “Just some kttscrit, a local vermin species.”

“Maybe it’s meeting up with the vermin behind us, eh,” he chuckled.

“Good one, sir,” his second replied, trying not to stare at her Captain’s magnificent muscular side.

***

“I’ve tried being patient,” the sarcophagus sighed, “but this is becoming just too much! Forgive me, Colonel, I don’t wish to malign your leader, but I believe she is taking advantage of this situation!”

Colonel Laurent laughed.

“Oh, thank you, Fishstick,” he gasped, “I needed that. Of course, she is taking advantage of the situation. Face it, My Lord, you put your balls in her talons. She is not letting go until she is ready.”

“My balls?”

“Testicles,” the colonel clarified, still chuckling.

“Ah!” the sarcophagus replied, accompanied with synthesized human laughter, “I get that idiom! And yes, I supposed I did let her lay her hands on my gills, didn’t I?”

“Don’t worry,” the colonel smiled, “She’ll honor her end of the deal… when she’s good and ready.”

“Do you have any idea why she is delaying so long?”

“Actually,” the colonel replied, “I think I—“

“Helllllloooooo? Anybody here?” a cheerful voice echoed down the hall.

“What the fuck?” the colonel snarled, drawing his pistol as his soldiers lept to action, arming their saberguns or drawing blades.

“Everybody stand down!” the sarcophagus broadcast through powerful speakers, “Voice match! It’s Karashel, the Baleean Councilor.”

“I know who the fuck it is!” the colonel replied, “What I want to know is why she’s here and how she got past my men!”

“You two,” he snapped, “Please go out and politely escort our guest to me. And you!” he exclaimed, “relieve one of the guards we have on the perimeter. I would very much like to speak with them.”

***

“Sir!” the absolutely devastated soldier said as he stood at attention. “We have checked and double-checked every sensor. The only thing that came close to approaching our position was…”

His voice trailed off as the colonel pointed at a rather sticky slumbering kttscrit on his desk.

”...oh.”

“Oh, indeed,” the colonel replied. “Before our guest leaves, make damn sure you get a good scan. This is just embarrassing…”

The colonel gently poked the kttscrit.

“clever, though.”

***

“Any idea why she’s there?” Jessica Morgan inquired over the laptop sitting on Colonel Laurent’s desk.

“None whatsoever,” the Colonel replied, shaking his head. “All she’s said is that she just dropped by to say hello and to see if we needed anything… Oh, and she wanted to chat with the fish privately for a little bit.”

“This makes two for two,” Jessica said with a smirk.

“Pardon?”

“This is the second time that harmless little slug has breached one of our perimeters,” Jessica replied, sipping her tea. “I do have to admit, wearing a live squirrel as a hat is a new one.”

“I cannot apologize enough, Ma’am. This will not happen again.”

“Oh, I’m willing to bet it will,” Jessica chuckled. “Have her call me before she leaves. I want to know what the little shit is up to.”

***

As laughter pealed from Colonel Laurent’s office, the Colonel and the Sarcophagus loitered nearby.

The Colonel looked over at his mysterious sort of friend. He had been very quiet ever since he and Karashel returned.

“So, how did your little visit with squirrel girl go?”

“Squirrel… girl?”

“Karashel,” the colonel clarified, “I was referring to her novel camouflage.”

“She’s…” the sarcophagus paused, searching for the right word, “She’s evil. I… regret… issuing her a favor. She came to collect, in case you were wondering.”

“Well,” the colonel shrugged as he nodded towards his office, “she’s in good company, then. I guess there’s two of them now.”

“No, Colonel,” the sarcophagus replied, “She is quite possibly worse… And the true horror of it...”

Colonel Laurent could feel whatever creature in that black box shudder.

“… she’s right. She is absolutely correct. Her logic is… horrifyingly perfect… I tried to assail it, to find some fault, some flaw… I… failed… I’ve consulted with my kind...”

The sarcophagus paused.

“We are going to honor her request. May whatever looks over this madness forgive us.”

***

Colonel Laurent raised his eyebrow as he tried to hand Karashel a sleeping kttscrit and failed.

It remained stuck to his hand.

“Oh!” Karashel said brightly, “Sorry! Let me just...”

The Colonel stiffened as Karashel “licked” him, causing the sticky goop around the unfortunate critter to loosen.

“Perhaps,” the colonel said, still a bit shaken (Christ, was that thing weird!), “you could knock next time?”

“I’m reeeeelly sorry about that, Colonel,” Karashel said sheepishly, “I just needed absolutely nobody to see me come in here. I want it to be a surprise!” she exclaimed brightly as if she was planning a birthday party…

Something that the colonel seriously doubted.

“Thanks for not shooting me!” Karashel said happily, “I was kinda worried about that.”

“I was kinda considering it,” the colonel smiled. “However, I should thank you.”

“What for?” Karashel said as she stuck the kttscrit on the top of her head.

“It’s good to remind the men, and myself, that we aren’t perfect. Normally these lessons are a bit more… costly.”

“Maybe I should send you a bill then!”

“Don’t push it, beanbag,” the colonel chuckled.

“Ok!” Karashel smiled a gooey smile, “Bye!”

***

As Karashel undulated along the passageway leading to the exit, she paused.

Better than bitter-snot...

It wasn’t like she was going to have another chance at this, most likely…

“What the hell...” she muttered and turned around.