Even If I Killed This Love, Only You Wanted To Protect It

The following morning after resting in the health room, I went to school earlier than usual. After making sure that no one is around the shoe rack, I open the shoe box of the last person in the attendance number list. Sneakers with flashy colours that are lined up inside, indicating that the owner, Shimizu Terumichi, is inside the school.

I gently closed the door, whilst feeling a little uneasy. After checking that no one saw the whole thing, I started walking to the hallway.

If I were to say the reason behind these strange actions, is that because yesterday, I faced a problem while I was resting in the health room.

Because I was absent from class, I didn’t know the contents of the lesson that was teached during the said class.

If I have someone to talk to then I can just ask “let me borrow your notes” from them. But because I don’t have any friends, I can’t just start up a conversation with others. If you’re smart enough then you may not need such a thing but, since I didn’t go to elementary and middle school, there are some things that I didn’t get to learn and thus I don’t have any confidence in studying. I can barely keep up.

That’s why I spent about half of the time I was resting in the health room regretting it. Holding my anxiety and hoping that no one would notice, by the time I returned back to my seat after school, I found a loose-leaf inside my table.

I usually use a notebook, so of course I wouldn’t have a loose-leaf.

As I carefully checked the content while thinking of the possibility of it being a harassment, it turned out to be the notes about today’s lesson that are written in detail. Even the words that the teacher said are written as well. I thought that someone had mistakenly put it inside my table but, in the upper right of the loose-leaf, to be precise the date field, I found that my grade and class, and also my attendance number were written there instead.

Someone has taken notes for the lessons I didn’t take.

And that person could be the owner of the shoe box that I checked earlier— I think it might be Shimizu Terumichi, the person whose attendance number was last due to being transferred to this school.

Perhaps he’s the only one who knows about my absence yesterday. The people seated in the front, back, right, and diagonal seats of me must’ve known immediately that I was absent. However, I’ve seen their handwritten letters when the prints were distributed and collected, but none of it was the same as the one in that loose-leaf. Besides, since they saw me as some kind of a foreign object, they definitely wouldn’t do anything kind to such a person. Shimizu Terumichi seems like a genuine guy, but there is this side of him where he would bring a sick-looking person to the health room. I don’t really know him at all, but it’s more convincing to say that Shimizu Terumichi is the one who did it.

That’s precisely why a new problem has surfaced.

Maybe, he takes notes for me. And there’s also a possibility of a different person being the one who takes the notes and brings me to the health room. No matter if I’m sick or not, I must properly thank that person.

But I don’t think I can say it normally.

Just talking to someone is already hard enough for me. Not to mention Shimizu Terumichi is like a person who wears a ring, meaning that he always has someone near him. Although there’s the teacher and me then, when I met him in the hallway yesterday was the first time I saw him walking alone. Even now, I’m sure he’s currently merrily talking with Kouno Yuka and the others at the locker.

The other party is a genuine person who’s enjoying his life to the fullest. The moment I came close to him would make me end up getting ridiculed at.

More importantly, I wonder why such person are being nice to me. Is he that kind of guy who won’t be satisfied unless he befriends the whole class?

As I was wondering while I walked down the hallway, some girl classmates that are part of the brass band are discussing something with a dissatisfied face. Apparently they are heading to the morning training. I looked down as not to make eye contact and passed each other. Then, at that moment, I heard a strange conversation.

“Yesterday’s welcome party for Shimizu-kun was actually a group dating, right?”

“They said that everyone in the class should come but in actuality it ended up as Kouno trying to show off her group.”

I keep walking as I try not to react with the word. But even so, I was stunned.

There was a welcome party yesterday? Everyone in the class should come and join?

Such a thing, no one told me about it.

Although I won’t come even if I was invited, I still feel my heart beating unpleasantly. It’s not the shock from not being invited, but more like the anxiety from the thought of how it doesn’t matter whether I’m invited or not.

I’m starting to have a bad feeling. Won’t that thing from the past happen again because of this?

My chest seems to be driven by something to the point that it starts hurting. I don’t want to go to the classroom. But as soon as I hastily moved my legs faster, by the time I entered the classroom from the blackboard side, I was greeted with a sight different than usual.

Usually, there’ll be some modest boys gathering at the table and quietly having a conversation as if they are hidden by the blackboard side. On the other side of the class where the locker is would be Kouno Yuka and her group, talking and laughing oh so loudly.

But today, Kouno Yuka and the others were occupying the blackboard side, forming a circle of men and women with their gorgeous atmosphere as usual, laughing and talking while playing videos or songs.

Of course, there is also Shimizu Terumichi inside that group. When our eyes accidentally meet, Shimizu Terumichi pursed his lips a little and turns his gaze as if trying to hold back something. I also turned my gaze away and entered the classroom through the locker side and took a seat.

I put my bag on the side and took out the textbooks and notebooks from the bag. Among them I turn my attention to the English note in that loose-leaf from yesterday.

I was saved by that guy yesterday.

And now the next day, I don’t know how to face him.

I’ve seen it up close so many times of people seeing me as if I’m a foreign object, looking down and making a fool out of me. But Shimizu Terumichi is making a face that looks like he’s suffering, as if I had done something to him.

When I glanced and looked at them, Kouno Yuka pushed her elbows against Chidariko’s upper arm. Chidariko nods as she lets out a small cough and said in a cutesy voice, “Hey.”

“Shimizu, do you have a girlfriend?”

“Eh, Chidariko you are interested in Terumichi? How funny.”

Hearing her question, the boys around her start to let out a small laugh. Shimizu Terumichi tried to interrupt it, saying, “To be honest I actually have none you know…! I’m so lonely. I think I’ve been spending my summer every year being like this.”

“Then, what’s your type? Or should I guess it?”

Kouno Yuka laughed enthusiastically and said while pointing her finger to Shimizu Terumichi, “You like someone older, right?”

“No, I don’t really care whether they are younger or older. I’m not like Terada who prefers a pure auntie.”

“I see, I see… Wait, who do you mean by that! I definitely prefer someone younger!”

“Don’t use lolicon as a camouflage.”

“I’m not even a lolicon though?!”

Terada from the baseball club let out a loud voice as he shook his head. Due to his height, he is quite bothersome both visually and audibly. So that I can stay out of his eyesight, I quietly put my textbooks and notebooks on the desk.

I also hate being asked to take a video and getting later on so I stood up to walk around the school and find a quiet place with no people.

“Actually my type of girl is in this class.”

“Eh~ Who is it? Is it Yuka?”

Because of the words Shimizu Terumichi said, Chidariko’s eyes start to shine just like an innocent child as she tries to pry more information. Her gestures and movements seemed desperate to let her recognize her fun and even felt cold. Her gestures and movements seemed to show how desperate she is to be recognized to the point it even felt cold somehow.

Whether it’s because she’s trying to get Kouno Yuka’s good side to earn her position in class, or was it because as a friend she found Kouno Yuka to be attractive, whichever it is, I wonder if she really has to go to that point. Although it must’ve felt good from the perspective of Kouno Yuka.

But the next moment, I was terrified when I saw Kouno Yuka’s eyes.

Her eyes are as cold as ice, and she sees Chidariko, who’s trying hard to be on her good side, as apathetic as it could be.

Chidariko doesn’t seem to be able to sense her gaze, and while she was being stared at coldly by Kouno Yuka, she continued to laugh at Shimizu Terumichi and said, “Who is it~?”

Although we are strangers, it’s still hard for me to be in the same place as them. I hurriedly went to the door. However, when I heard a clear voice saying “Higuchi-san,” I reflexively turned my eyes to the person who called my name.

“It’s Higuchi-san.”

Terumichi Shimizu was pointing at me as he laughed foolishly.

His words silent the whole class, and I feel as if time has stopped. Even Kouno Yuka looks at me with a rounded eye and shocked face.

Even the noisy baseball team members were looking at me and Shimizu Terumichi with their mouths open.

Even the boys who talk about anime and manga in the corner of the classroom and girls who are quietly talking about something, they are either focusing on me or Shimizu Terumichi. I don’t know what to do either. My head went blank and all I could do was to look at my surroundings.

It was Chidariko who reacted the fastest, even before the both of us. She leaned back and hit Shimizu Terumichi’s shoulder, saying, “I’m surprised~ I was at a loss because it seems so real just now.” Kouno Yuka, who’s been staring at Chidariko until earlier, also laughed, saying, “That’s right.” Shimizu Terumichi turned his back on me and said in between a stupid laugh, saying, “I really fell in love with her at first sight,” and makes exaggerated gestures.

“Hey, Higuchi-sa~n. Terumichi said that he likes you~!”

Terada, who’s been struck frozen just like everyone else, let out a low reverberating voice.

Other than Shimizu Terumichi, everyone shifted their attention to me as if asking for my response. My heart feels like it’ll explode in the next moment and I can’t bring myself to say anything. I can’t. I can’t say anything.

As I started feeling the nausea rising from my stomach, Shimizu Terumichi closed Terada’s mouth, saying, “Stop it, I’ll do the confession so you just shut your mouth!” I rushed out of the classroom and ran out of the hallway so as not to get ridiculed by the others. Lowering my bag, I slip through the students who came to school. After returning from the morning training, I rushed to the bathroom while wiping my sweat and passing by the students heading to the classroom. Because it’s still morning, there are no students who have their hair styled.

I went to the innermost room and randomly locked the doors as I tried to adjust my breathing.

Finally. No one is here. But even so, I could still hear those laughter ringing inside my head. I don’t know whether those laughter belong to the one from the past or the one from just now. All I know is that Shimizu Terumichi belongs to those kinds of people.

Taking me to the health room and making those notes, perhaps he only did that to make fun of me. No it’s definitely because he wants to make fun of me. Because otherwise, other than my family, there won’t be anyone in the world who would be kind to me.

He was a weirdo from the beginning anyway. Even knowing that I can’t properly speak, he still didn’t say anything about it.

Those types of people definitely make fun of me because I can’t properly speak. They won’t care about how hard I try to reach them by words, they only treat me as some kind of a toy.

The inside of my head was chaotic, the inside of my stomach felt mixed up, all those things really made me feel even more uncomfortable. I slowly drop my first to my thigh.

What’s with that guy? He’s the worst. As expected, he’s an enemy.

Again and again. I kept hitting my thigh. Trying my best to distract my own thoughts.

That feeling of gratitude I have for Shimizu Terumichi yesterday seemed  to be dyed black with crayon, trying its best to crush it to nothingness. I stayed  by myself, trying my hardest to erase that feeling of gratitude, until the bell for class rings.