In your 20s, you must understand the wisdom of success

Chapter 14: Successful Relationships (3)
After the two of them sat down, the aunt began to order. When she asked Luo Ning what he thought, Luo Ning just said vaguely: "Whatever, whatever." Yuan money is obviously not enough, what should I do?
But my aunt didn't notice Luo Ning's uneasiness at all. She kept praising the delicious food, but Luo Ning didn't taste anything.

The last moment finally came. The polite waiter brought the bill and walked straight to Luo Ning. Luo Ning opened his mouth but said nothing.

The aunt smiled gently, she took the bill, gave the money to the waiter, then stared at Luo Ning and said, "Boy, I know how you feel, I've been waiting for you to say 'no', but why didn't you say it? You know, sometimes you have to say this word bravely and resolutely, this is the best choice. I came here to let you know this truth."

This lesson is important for all young people: Say no when you should, or you will be put in a passive position.

Many times, we are often dominated by people.What they talk about most often is: "You should..." "You shouldn't..." It is usually difficult for ordinary people to refuse this kind of request, especially when the person making the request is your closest partner. "No" is even harder to say.Over time, after this interactive relationship is finalized, a tacit understanding or mutual commitment is formed.

What will happen if one day the other party asks you to do this or that again, but you insist on your own opinion?On the one hand, the other party will definitely fly into a rage, thinking that you have violated the promise of both parties; on the other hand, if you insist on not doing these "should" things, you will feel guilty.

Do you know why you feel guilty?This is due to excessive emotional begging on both sides.The reason why you obey the other party's request, to put it bluntly, is to get the other party's approval, caring eyes, and even please the other party through this obedient performance.

When this method of pleasing becomes your pattern of behavior, refusing the other party's request will definitely make him very unhappy, and you will feel very sorry for him.Guilt feels like sitting in a rocking chair and that's all you can do. It looks like it can rock you somewhere, but it just stays where you are, and you can't get anywhere.

Most of the time, we dare not say "no" because of sympathy, or because we are embarrassed to say "no", as a result, many things that should not be done by ourselves fall on ourselves.Or it is that what you have done is far beyond the scope of your ability, and you will face collapse.

Don't forget that we have the right to decide what to do in our lives, and we should not let others make decisions for us, let alone let others control our will and make ourselves a puppet of others.Plus, other people aren't necessarily any better informed or smarter than we are, so the kind of "natural" things they're proposing are probably not our best bets.Your best choice should still be based on your own independent judgment after in-depth analysis and thinking.

In fact, we often overestimate our own importance to others.It's like we often hear a sentence that ridicules others: "Without you, the earth is still turning." This sentence means that there is no one who cannot be replaced.If you see everything as your responsibility and try to accomplish everything, you are asking for trouble.What you should really do is to be responsible to yourself, not to others.You should start by identifying your needs, rearranging the priorities of your values, and determining what is really important to you.Putting yourself first is by no means selfish, but shows that you identify with your own moral sense.

Although you agree with this statement, you still feel a little embarrassed. You don't know how to say "no".Is it really that difficult to say this word?In fact, that is our instinct.Psychologists say that the first abstract concept learned by human beings is to say "no" by "shaking the head". It is the beginning of the concept of "self".

"No" certainly represents "rejection", but it also represents "choice". A person forms and defines himself through continuous choices.So when you say "no" you say "yes" and you "are" someone you don't want to be.

To be a human being, one must have one's own value judgments and opinions, and not follow the trend or be trapped in the control of some external factors, otherwise, life will encounter many unexpected troubles and difficulties.On the one hand, it will exhaust your energy in unnecessary entanglements and troubles; on the other hand, it will make you increasingly become an "ostrich person" and "parrot person" and lose your due weight in the hearts of others.

Rejection is also an art
Since human beings have a common need for understanding and help from others, everyone will often receive needs and hopes from others.It would be great if we could all say "yes" and "of course" with a good laugh.However, in real life, no one can truly respond to every request, whether it is to partners, relatives, classmates, or teachers.There are reasonable requirements and excessive requirements, and there are differences between feasible and unfeasible things.Therefore, when answering the other party, it is inevitable to say "no" sometimes.

Rejecting others and saying "no" has become the most embarrassing thing in the world. If you don't pay attention, you may lose friendship, cause resentment, be misunderstood, and even risk self-destructive career.

However, sometimes the word "no" has to be said, but refusing other people's request is not a blunt refusal or ignoring others, which requires certain skills.It is necessary to make the other party accept your opinion without hurting the other party.This requires finding an excuse to refuse others. When refusing, try to say "no" vaguely. This will not only allow the other party to understand your position, but also fully preserve the other party's face and avoid frustration in the other party's heart.

William II of Germany designed a warship. He wrote in the design book: "This is the result of years of research, long-term thinking and fine work." Identification.

After a few weeks, the shipbuilder sent back his draft design with the following comments:

"Your Majesty, the warship you have designed is a warship of incomparable power, strength, and beauty. It will be unprecedentedly fast. Its weapons will be the strongest in the world. Its The mast will be the tallest in the world, and its cannons will have the furthest range. You will design the interior of your ship to provide comfort to everyone from the captain to the midshipman. You magnificent warship, behold It has only one drawback: it sinks to the bottom of the sea as soon as it touches the water, like a leaden duck."

No matter who it is, it is very tricky to refuse the other party's request.However, if you accept everything, you may lose your autonomy.If you can tactfully refuse requests that are difficult to refuse, you can do your own thing well.On the contrary, if you refuse without hesitation, you will be misunderstood by the other party, which will lead to the deterioration of the interpersonal relationship.And if you respond to your requests, others will think that you are a "fake good person" to please all parties.

Below, introduce some clever rejection methods.

1. If you can't do it, you must clearly refuse it.If you readily accept other people's requests, even if you complete them all, it may make people feel that you have no credit.Therefore, we must skillfully avoid the appearance of this ending.The key to tactful rejection is not to hesitate.When you can finish it, it doesn’t matter if you accept it even if it’s due soon; if you can’t finish it, tell the other party early and ask someone else.

2. Explain in detail why you cannot do it.If you just say "I'm busy" when refusing a request, it is likely that people will say "that person doesn't like to help others" and "you always look unhappy when you ask him for anything", so when refusing, you must explain in detail that you can't Reason for acceptance.

3. Say something effective.It is not enough to specify why it is unacceptable, it is important to say something of apology first.For example, "I'm really sorry..." "I'm really sorry..." "I'd love to help you, but..."

4. Explain the scope of competence.When rejecting others, if you simply say "can't do it", others will say "not enthusiastic" or "not helpful".A cold refusal is likely to cause a rift in the relationship.If you can conversely consider how you feel when you are a requester, you can show that you will do your best to help as long as you can when others ask you.At the same time, you must know the scope of your ability.Do not force yourself to do things beyond your ability, as this will lead to very bad results.If the other party still pushes it to you, you can bring the ugly words to the front.The best principle is: don't promise if you can't do it.

5. Provide some alternatives.In order to establish a good interpersonal relationship, when someone entrusts you with something, you should not always have the idea of ​​"I am too busy to help you", "It is simply an unreasonable request", but should have the idea of ​​​​"I should try my best to help him", "Maybe he will help you." Will help me do something in the future" such positive thoughts.

When you can't accept it anyway, provide him with some alternatives before saying "no", which will make him feel your sincerity.

Keyword perception: rejection
If you want to live a little more freely, please stand up and say "no".Remember, you don't have to feel guilty because that is your basic right.

(Chapter 6 Face--Leave the mask of vanity

Sometimes, it is better to win the respect of others if you face your own mistakes and shortcomings calmly without worrying about your face.More importantly, sincerely and boldly revealing one's shortcomings and weaknesses can play a certain role in one's growth while getting rid of embarrassment.

Shameless "captive"

A girl in elementary school is the first to arrive at school every day, waiting for the start of the day's studies.Once, her classmate met her on the way to school and asked her why she arrived at school so early every day. She answered the question with a shy smile.

It turned out that her academic performance was not very good and her appearance was ordinary. She never knew what it was like to be "No.1".One time, she discovered that when she was the first to arrive in the classroom, she unexpectedly got a kind of joy similar to "No.1".She is happy and has expectations.

As she walked, she revealed the little secrets in her heart to her classmates, and her whole body exuded a light of expectation and joy.As she approached the classroom, she even felt quite a sense of excitement and pleasure...unexpectedly, her classmate strode forward, pushed open the classroom door, "the first" rushed in, and then turned back He looked at her with a triumphant smile.The light on her face suddenly disappeared, and her heart ached.Holding back her tears, she blurted out: "Number one, it's mine, how can you..." She couldn't speak the following words... She even lost this "Number one", and felt that she had no face at all.

It goes without saying that if you love face too much, you will harm others and yourself, which is not a small disaster.Therefore, those who want to do great things should have the courage to fight against the vanity of saving face, and never become a prisoner of "face" and end up with nothing.

In every corner of society, everyone wants to be the best and to be noticed.In fact, it is easy to get the first place, it depends on whether you are willing or not. From another perspective, as long as you "start a new line", everyone will be the first, and this world will naturally have a lot less inexplicable disputes .Isn't that great too?We can start from another angle, face is definitely there, why always care about the face in front of us?The girl above just values ​​superficial face too much.If she can change her perspective and use her thoughts and efforts of fighting for the "first" to dig out her hobbies and specialties, then she will be much happier.

Face is embarrassment; face is an obstacle to doing things; face is something written on the outside that makes people unable to face.Whether face should be taken or not, we believe that in order to achieve a career, it is better not to have face, because "people need face to suffer".

Of course, this is not to teach people to be shameless, it is a real psychological fear and obstacle.If the first interview is not successful, I dare not enter the door for the second time, because I always feel embarrassed to meet acquaintances; if the first cooperation negotiation fails, I will lose face and cannot open my mouth for the second cooperation; repeated examinations Not succeeding, not being able to tell the truth to others, feeling ashamed... There are too many face problems like this, and these are indeed obstacles in front of one's success.

People always try their best to keep face, and for the sake of face, they can do things that go against common sense.There is a lyric that says it well: "If some memory makes you painful, why don't you forget it easily." Put aside your face and do things boldly!
People often say: "A person has a face, a tree has a skin." The importance of "face" in our traditional moral concepts can be seen.It can be said that the traditional society's constraints on people are mainly shame and face. However, if "face" is the most important thing for this reason, it may not be a good thing to develop a life attitude that cares about face.

It is understandable and normal to want to win the approval of others. However, people always want more approval after receiving a certain amount of approval.Therefore, people often fall into the cage of vanity in order to seek the approval of others throughout their lives, and face controls everything about them.

More than 50 years ago, Mr. Lin Yutang wrote in "My Country, My People" that the three goddesses who rule China are "Face, Destiny and Grace". "Saying face" is a kind of national psychology that is common in Chinese society. Driven by the concept of face, it reflects the emotion and needs of Chinese people's respect and self-esteem. However, excessive love for face will form a distorted psychology. If it is allowed to evolve , will eventually harm others and oneself.

Self-esteem, self-love, and self-respect are indispensable virtues in human nature. On a certain level, their meanings are related to "face", but more often, they should be an inner spiritual motivation rather than life. roadblock.This needs to be handled by us.

Inner sincerity is better than face vanity
One day, Einstein met a friend on the streets of New York.

"Mr. Einstein," said the friend, "you seem to be in need of a new coat. Look how old this one is on you."

"What does it matter? Nobody knows me in New York anyway." Einstein said indifferently.

A few years later, they met again by chance.At this time, Einstein was already famous all over the world, but he was still wearing that old overcoat.His friend suggested that he go and buy a new coat.

"Why bother?" said Einstein, "everyone here already knows me anyway."

Einstein taught us that it doesn't take face to achieve great things.If Einstein had always been preoccupied with such things as what coat to wear and what impression to impress others, he would not have become a great scientist, let alone the theory of relativity.

When we have shortcomings or make mistakes, no matter how others criticize, ridicule or even insult us, we should not pay too much attention to it. Instead, we should put our face aside and continue our struggle like those who have achieved great things.

Although face is like a person's clothes, it can be marked with value.But face can be faked, but emotion is real.Faces can be big or small, and emotions can be deep or shallow, but the depth of emotion is not based on the size of face, but only based on inner experience, so it is more real than face.Therefore, put aside the vanity mask of face and show your sincerity, which will make you more likely to succeed.

Keyword insight: face
Excessive love of face is a manifestation of extreme vanity.In fact, vanity is nothing more than people wanting to use it to cover up their inferior psychology.As long as you look away, everything can be laughed off.

Remember: face is only a small problem, success is the last word.

(Chapter 7 Praise – Garlanding Others
William James said: The deepest desire of human nature is to be appreciated by others, and this is what makes human beings different from other animals.Being able to sincerely and candidly praise others when they have something good that you don't have is very important for building harmonious relationships.

Use praise to achieve your pursuit

Jin Wen knew many great figures in the academic world and often got their advice.The acquaintance between them is also due to the proper use of praise.Because many people have also visited these masters, but they often have nothing to say after a few words, and they are quickly "driven out". However, he actually became the guest of the masters, which has its own mystery.As Jin Wen, who is planning to make achievements in the academic field, he naturally admires these masters very much. He knows that it is not easy to visit these people, so every time he visits an expert he meets for the first time, he first reads the monograph of this person. Or study carefully, and write down your own experience.After the meeting, first praise his monographs and academic achievements, and put forward his own ideas.Since what he talked about was the field that the master devoted his life to research, it naturally aroused the interest of the master and had a common topic.During the conversation, Jinwen raised some points that he did not understand and asked the master for advice. When he was excited, the master naturally gave him advice. Therefore, Jinwen not only achieved the purpose of making friends, but also gained a lot of knowledge and solved the doubts in his heart. , can be said to serve multiple purposes.

An important reason for successful communication is to understand the meaning of praise.It is a weakness in human nature that compliments are welcome at all times.People have a dual need to be praised and to compliment others.

Lincoln once said, "A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of bile."

Mark Twain said: "I can live to the fullest for two months on a single compliment."

People want appreciation, but appreciation should really show their worth.That is to say, people want your praise to be the result of your thinking, the conclusion that you really see them as people worthy of praise, and spend energy thinking about it.

(End of this chapter)