Hunter and Hussar

Chapter 78 One Minute of Darkness

It was past 05:30 when I arrived at the hospital, and the coach took me directly to the ward area.Mu Zheng leaned on the bed, as if he just lay down on it, Huang Minxue and his father sat beside the bed.Just looking at the eyes of their father and son makes me shudder.Things could be a lot more serious than I thought.

"Has the inspection been done?"

The three of them nodded slightly in unison.It was done before the doctor got off work. Teacher Huang said that the specific results will not be available until tomorrow.

"Did we win?" Mu Zheng didn't have any energy.If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, how could I have thought that he was still running on the green field not long ago, desperately scoring the winning goal for us.This season is really too difficult. Mu Zheng's goal brought us our first victory, and after three rounds, Yizhong can barely tell ourselves that we are still alive.

I nodded vigorously.

"One to zero?"

"One to zero."

"Great." He smiled with relief, and leaned his body against the pillow, "This is my last game, it's fine if I win."

"How can there be? It depends on you to go back to the home court." I said, looking at Xuexue beside me.He also stretched out his hand and patted Mu Zheng's exposed arm.

But he just shook his head lightly, like a clock that is about to stop vibrating.

"Did you tell Teacher Zhou?" the coach asked Teacher Huang, who shook his head and said that Mu Zheng would not let him talk.The coach asked why.Mu Zheng said, Mom went to Shanghai for a competition this week, and she didn't want to disturb her.

I was so sad to hear this.Why are all my friends like this?Always hold things back and bear them alone.Mi Le is like this, and so is Mu Zheng.

"You child." I felt that the coach's voice had changed, and she gently stroked Mu Zheng's forehead, reproachful and distressed.These teachers must have watched Mu Zheng and Xuexue grow up since they were young, so they know everything about them.No one said much, it seemed that they acquiesced and respected Mu Zheng's decision.

"Thank you for coming to see me today. Teacher Huang, Teacher Wang, Xuexue, and the captain...you should go back. There is still cooking at home." I know that Mu Zheng must be very uncomfortable now, but he is trying his best to behave He must be in a better state, and maintain his long-standing sunshine and politeness, so that everyone can feel relieved enough to leave him here alone.

"Let's wait later. Wouldn't it be good for everyone to chat?" Teacher Huang said.

"It's okay, Mr. Huang, it's really okay. You still have your own business. I can handle it well." He tried his best to raise his arm, and made a fist that seemed to have a little strength.But he laughed so hard that he couldn't even fool me.

"Dad, Mr. Wang, Captain, you all go back. I'll accompany him." Xuexue said, "Just like before."

"You haven't finished your homework yet." Mu Zheng shook his head, so small that he couldn't see it, but he did shake, "Go back and write."

"When are you still talking about my homework? Is homework so important that it can be eaten?" Xuexue replied aggressively. It is estimated that few students in the world dare to say such things in front of the teacher.

They didn't blame Xuexue, and the coach patted him on the back.

"Anyway, the results have to come out tomorrow, why don't you come back tomorrow, okay?" Mu Zheng seemed to be coaxing Xuexue, as if Xuexue was a child who was sick and needed to take care of his emotions.

"That..." I didn't say anything for a long time, and suddenly I had an urge to make a better suggestion.They all looked at me, and it was probably then that they realized I was there.

"I've finished my homework, and there's nothing to do at home. I'll stay here with Mu Zheng for a while today, shall I?"

They didn't answer.I lowered my head and gently rubbed the ground with my shoes.

"Alright. I really want to chat with the captain. You all go back and see you tomorrow, okay?" Mu Zheng actually agreed, and the two teachers had no objections, so they got up and said a few words to Mu Zheng to eat well and be careful. If you rest, you will take Xuexue away.I sent them out of the door of the ward, Xuexue grabbed me behind the door.

"Captain, I leave everything to you." His voice was trembling, as if he was praying or begging.No, it wasn't just his voice that was trembling. I saw him trembling in front of me. The trembling made me feel like the bright lights in the hospital corridor were shaking with him.I suddenly felt the seriousness of the matter, and Xuexue was entrusting me with an extremely important task.

"Don't worry." I opened my arms involuntarily, and he hugged me without hesitation, tightening his grip very tightly.His forehead hit my Adam's apple, and there was a blockage in my throat.

"You promise me that Mu Zheng will be fine when I come tomorrow."

I should have agreed more than once or twice, until he let go of me and went home with Teacher Huang obediently.

This is really not like the Huang Minxue I know, the child who could clench his teeth when he was injured and fell to the ground, supporting himself silently.He was about to cry in the ward, and after he let go of me, I realized I had a wet spot on my shoulder.He must not want Mu Zheng to see it.

No, in that case, Xuexue is still that Xuexue.He hasn't changed.

I'm back in the ward.Mu Zheng lay on the bed weakly, his eyes half-closed and half-open.I pulled a chair in front of his bed, sat down but didn't know what to say.In the end, he was the one who spoke first, asking him about the details of the game after he left the field, and then asked about Mi Lejia.I answered one by one, and the conversation was like an oral practice in an English textbook.What he said, I answered, without much emotion, and without much thinking, just talking.

It's time for dinner.There are only two patients in the ward for the time being, and the other is an older sister, who is alone, and we only see her when we walk around the curtain that separates the beds.Her hair was a little disheveled, she was wearing a hospital gown, and she gave us two children a friendly smile, which made me think she was very kind.She walked with a limp, as if traumatized.I kind of wanted to help her, but she walked away after a while.

She went to the cafeteria to eat.I asked Mu Zheng if he wanted to go, and he said he wanted to lie down for a while.The food truck delivering meals to patients rang its bell outside the ward, so I proposed to buy food from the food truck.Although it may not be as delicious as in the cafeteria, it can fill your stomach.He said yes.I just bought two lunch boxes, and when I brought them back, he asked me how much it was, and I said fifteen.He said he remembered and turned it back to me.I helped Mu Zheng up, leaned against the head of the bed, and pushed the small table on the bed away.The inpatient area was surprisingly quiet during dinner, and occasionally the sound of flapping wings could be heard.It must be moths, they are ramming the lampshade again in vain.Does this add a little life?But not all living things can bring people a sense of life.I don't like the sound.Mu Zheng was chewing the vegetables slowly. The vegetables in the dining car of the hospital were stuffed into the lunch box almost after being soaked in water. There was no oil in it, but it was very light, and the chewing was quite rhythmic.The green vegetables that become lunch boxes are dead, right?Strangely enough, dead greens are more alive to me than live moths.

After eating, I cleaned up the table and lunch box, sat back on the bed, and Mu Zheng looked at each other.I sensed the powerlessness in his eyes, which is the helplessness of a patient.When I was sick, Xianxian always said that I was a little sick cat.But I'm just out of spirit, not powerless - maybe because I know I'll be fine and be back in the world of healthy people soon.And Mu Zheng's eyes were full of fatigue and burnout, not only the disease took away his strength, it seemed that something else was haunting his spirit.I never thought that I would see this in Mu Zheng's eyes. For a long time, he has been the player in our team with the most sunshine, the best skills, the most physical strength, and the best physical fitness. Destroy the city and pull out the stronghold.He would be sick, this disease that made his eyes so weak.

Will tough guys fall too?
"Captain, what do your parents do?" He asked suddenly.

"Call me Keke. My father is an engineer, and my mother is doing training in the unit, which is equivalent to a teacher."

"That's it. You know my mother. Guess what my father does?" He still looked weak, but maybe he was refreshed after eating, and he seemed to want to have a good chat with me, instead of asking me I answer.

"Hmm... I guess your dad is a physical education teacher?"

"No." He shook his head with a smile, the range was still very small, so small that I wanted to say you don't have to shake it, I felt so distressed watching it.

"That's a football coach? A referee? Or an athlete? It doesn't have to be football, maybe it's long-distance running or high jump, or maybe it's playing basketball?" I made several guesses in a row, thinking that I would always hit the mark.

"It's not right. My dad, it's the police." He seemed to know what I was thinking, and instead of shaking his head, he stretched out his hand and waved his index finger, then slowly lowered his arm, "He was a policeman when I was very young. died. Those who sacrificed their lives to save others are martyrs.”

"I'm sorry..." It must be very awkward to say this in reality, full of translation, but I don't know what to say, no one taught me, all I can think of is in which book or What movie did you see.

"So... I understand why you are so brave and caring about others. Your father will be proud of you."

I don't even know what I'm talking about in a hurry.For a long time, I thought that I was the only one among all the children (except my sister) who lost a loved one very early, so I always wanted to find someone who had a similar experience with me, and maybe he could talk to me.Today, when Taotao told me about Xiaofei's family, I was also in a daze for a short time.At that time Xiaofei was gone, if he told me that his parents were gone, how would I react?have no idea.But after Mu Zheng told me that his father died very early, my head was blank, as if it was covered with the test papers that had just been printed, with a bit hot temperature, and the printing machine was still buzzing in my ears ring.I couldn't even look him in the eye.

No wonder we have never met Mu Zheng's father, nor heard him or others mention it.

"Am I brave?"

"Ok!"

"Not at all."

"You are very brave. We have been playing football together for more than a year. Can't I see it?"

"That doesn't help either, I think I'll see my dad soon."

"What?" I looked up at Mu Zheng, feeling like I had overturned a pot of hot red oil hot pot, and the hot juice was still hitting my head and eyes from bottom to top.

"That is to say, I am going to die."

In the past, my sister and I have said similar things, but we didn't mean it when we said it.I am releasing emotions and imagining.Death has nothing to do with most children, it's something that happens to other people and is used as a talking point.Although I have seen its horror, when talking about my own death, I still feel that it is still far away from me, too far away to see clearly.

Just thinking about the way I talked nonsense to my sister, I feel that I should be slapped hard, I deserve it too much.But Mu Zheng didn't annoy me, on the contrary it scared me, terribly scared.How did he manage to say this calmly, with no expression on his face?He was so calm, as if he was discussing the life and death of a person who had nothing to do with him, with a tone of certainty.

"What's wrong with you? Isn't the result coming out tomorrow?"

"I am aware of my physical condition." His face was full of bleak helplessness, "My nightmare is just back."

I asked him what he meant, and he told me about his illness.Not long after his father died, he suffered from nausea and vomiting and was in a very bad state of mind.When I went to the hospital for an investigation, I found out that the problem was serious.He told me the name of the disease, and my face must have been terrifyingly ugly.That's a disease none of us want ourselves or our loved ones to contract.It remains in the world today and kills countless people every year.But its susceptible population is middle-aged and elderly people. How could it happen to children?I asked.Mu Zheng said, even if they bumped into each other, there was no reason, and there was nothing to do about it.Therefore, in the second and third grades of elementary school, he frequently went in and out of the hospital, took medicine, hung water, and was hospitalized for treatment.It was an extremely painful and long process. My father was gone, and my mother took care of him alone. Besides running around in the hospital and school every day, she had to attend classes and correct homework in time. The work of educating students was not missed at all.She kept it from all the teachers in the school. It was not until Teacher Huang found out about it and reported it to the school that he came to substitute for Teacher Zhou so that she could take better care of her sick son.

"I've brought my mother and my family down." This sentence sounds much heavier than the "I'm going to die", "Empty, there's nothing left."

"Don't think so. Teacher Zhou, she, she is your mother. What mother doesn't want her son to be healthy?"

I'm so useless, even before Mu Zheng cried, I cried first.I should have comforted him and made him stronger.what am i doingCan't I control myself?But there is no way, no way.If only I were Xianxian, he will be able to hold back.

"Towards the end of third grade, I felt like I was dying. I was desperate, my family had no money, and my illness was not getting better. I sneaked into school once, after school, and no one saw me. I just lay on my stomach on the desk in the class, because I was too tired from the long walk from the hospital to the school. After a short break, I felt better, so I wrote a line of words on the blackboard with chalk, leaving To my teachers and classmates, "I'm leaving, goodbye" and sign my name. Later I thought, I was a bit handsome at that time, did I have the feeling of Wu Song writing on the mandarin duck building? But, I really think I won't live until the fourth grade. When the fourth grade starts and the students return to the classroom, the class teacher will say on the podium that there is a student who will not come back..."

"But aren't you living well now?"

"Yeah. I don't even believe in miracles anymore, but it happened. After that incident, I was severely scolded by my mother. I saw her cry in front of me for the first time. I was missing a Hours and 42 minutes, she thought she would never see me again. If she was not sick, she would beat me up. You never thought that Teacher Zhou would beat someone, did you? My dad never beat me, it was my mother who beat me , it's fierce. Did your parents beat you?"

"Also, but when I was beaten, my younger brother would come out and say that he was willing to be punished together with his elder brother. My younger brother didn't make many mistakes. He spoke for me, and they stopped."

"It's nice to have a younger brother. If I had a younger brother or sister, maybe... I would be more determined to end my own life."

what?
"What are you talking about?" I stood up suddenly, and my voice became a lot louder, which scared him a little.

"Why are you so excited?" He was a little surprised, and I was even more surprised.

I can't imagine that such a sunny child like Mu Zheng had the thought of committing suicide.As much as I can understand it, I also know that's an assumption.But at this hour of the day, I have to be on guard, lest this nightmarish thought cross his mind again.I want to be cautious, like a hunter, catch this dark thought like a prey in the grass, and kill it completely.And I have to be careful not to scare the snakes and irritate the people in the hospital bed.I have to be composed, I have to be calm.

"At the beginning, no one knew how sick I was. I stabbed myself, and now everyone on the earth knows. My classmates donated money to me once, but my mother and I didn't confiscate it. They wrote one by one. He also gave me 99 paper cranes folded by my own hands. I still keep those letters. During that time, I always felt that when I closed my eyes and fell asleep, I would die for no apparent reason. I know when I died. But when I saw the pictures drawn by my classmates, those clumsy and serious words, and saw the outline of my mother sleeping on the other side of the bed, I thought, I still have to live. Still alive good."

"Yes, live well."

"By the way. In fact, there is one person who knew that I was sick before other classmates."

"Is it to study?"

"That's right. He came to see me every day, holding his little guitar, and playing me all kinds of songs. He said that when I was well, he would buy a real professional guitar, and then the two of us would find someone to play together. In the band, he was the guitarist and asked me to be the lead singer. In fact, I can’t sing very well, and I prefer bass. But whenever he plays the piano for me, I really want to sing. The patients in the ward are very good. Learning to play is far from being as good as it is now, and the two of us sometimes make noise. But they didn’t talk about us, they all listened silently and beat the beat for us. Those who understand music can also give pointers. Most of the patients in a ward I have the same disease as me, men and women, old and young. Sometimes I sleep and wake up with an empty bed. What does it mean? You know. Xuexue finds that there is an empty bed every time , just sat quietly on that bed for a while, plucked his strings, and played a farewell song for those who left. Xuexue must be the best guitarist in our school, playing better than the seniors in the high school All good. I always feel that when he plays, he pours his soul into it, not just his own soul.

"Later, my body seemed to be getting better, and all the indicators were returning to normal. Maybe it was psychological, maybe the treatment was working. When the doctor told me that I could go back to school, I really felt like a A death row prisoner who was released. I can go to school again, and I can play football again. By the way, have you watched a TV series? The protagonist is also a little boy who can play football. In the first episode, an alarm clock fell from the sky. It was smashed, almost died, and he woke up at the end of the second episode. When he returned to class, the whole class applauded for him. The day I went back to school was even more grand than on TV, and the whole class stood up to welcome me. Then When I was in class, Xuexue ran over from the seat without thinking about anything, and hugged me at the door, and was almost strangled to death. I never thought that I would come back alive. I thought I was writing on the blackboard That time was an eternal farewell. But I survived. After Xuexue let go of me, Xu Mu handed me a piece of paper, and I folded a paper crane under everyone's gaze. It was the hundredth. They're all hanging in my room now."

"That's why it's good to be alive. I have overcome the illness once, and this time there must be no problem. What's more, the test results haven't come out yet, so maybe I'm fine."

I thought it was a nice finish, even though I must have been pale.Not just because of worrying about the person in front of you.

Miracles don't happen twice.I know my physical condition.There is no hope of relapse.He said.

I said no, since it happened once, it could happen a second time, you have to have confidence, like you have confidence on the pitch.The team, the band, and the students in your class are all waiting for you to go back.And, more importantly, your mother and Xuexue want you to accompany them, you can't leave casually.

Mom is not here, neither is Xuexue.Mu Zheng smiled lightly and looked at me.It made my hair stand on end, and at the same time, I was furious.

"How dare you! Mu Zheng, you bastard, don't talk nonsense!"

"What nonsense did I say?"

I feel challenged.I don't know if she ever felt this way when I talked nonsense to my sister.

"Calm down, I just want to talk to you. You know, I can't talk to my mother or Xuexue about this, can I?" He still politely motioned me to sit down, and suppressed my anger by the way .

"You read a lot, and you are very gentle. Everyone in the team likes you very much. From the beginning to the end, I think you are the most suitable to be the captain. I voted for you that day, and let Xuexue and Xu Mu Vote for you." He said, "Although we don't talk much, I still trust you. That's why I want to talk to you about this issue."

"I'm sorry, I misunderstood you. I thought..." I swallowed the words "thought you wanted to kill yourself".

"Think I want to commit suicide while my mother and Xuexue are away?" He laughed.

Not saying a word.

"On the way here today, I thought about this." His tone was still calm.

"Don't even think about it!" I immediately pushed back his words.

"Have you read Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther?"

I didn't, and I couldn't figure it out after hearing what he said.But then he told a story in the book, and I probably understood a little bit.He said Werther was out riding with his friend Albert, who was carrying an unloaded pistol.Werther asked for the gun, and suddenly pointed it at his own head.Albert, terrified, snatched the gun away, babbled for a while, and asked Werther what he wanted to do.Witte said it didn't matter, anyway, there were no bullets.Albert said that even without bullets, suicide is foolish.Werther was offended, thinking that people who think like this are fools who never make comments without considering the intentions of others in doing something.Whatever the reason, some behaviors are inherently bad, Albert said.The two couldn't really communicate with each other.

"What do you mean? You're Werther, I'm Albert? Well, even so, you think I'm an idiot and stupid, but I still can't accept suicide." I was so angry that my whole body was trembling.

"That's not what I meant. But I thought, if we're going to talk about this, you have to let me finish my thoughts first, and don't interrupt me to give your opinion after a little bit, because I'm the one who's sick. Okay. ?"

I agreed.

"I thought about whether people have the right to end their own lives? In fact, I might think about the same as you. If a friend of mine suddenly told me that he had suicidal thoughts, my reaction would be exactly the same as yours. I would Angrily ordered him to let him live well, and then said a lot of what Albert said. I will tell him that life is very beautiful, relatives and friends love you, suicide is stupid and selfish, you have to Think about it, if you die, how sad your parents will be, and how sad your friends will be. There is no heaven and hell. When you die, you are gone, and you have nothing. No matter how uncomfortable and painful your life is, you are still alive after all. Keke, do you think so?"

nod.

"So, I understand everything you understand."

"Then why do you still want to kill yourself?" I questioned him, occasionally wiping my eyes.He handed me the bedside tissue.

"I just said that this disease is a nightmare. I thought I woke up, but it has been there all the time, and it hasn't gone away. Do you still remember the class in the first grade of junior high school? That day you were so angry, I apologize. I lied to you. I was not injured, but I was very unwell. So you understand why I wanted to win that day, and my speech was so bad, right? He was not in a good mood. And the first game last year, I played in the High School of Science and Technology, I found you in the toilet after the game, and my mother took you to a poetry reading that day. After you left, I hid in the toilet and vomited."

"But why didn't you tell your mother?"

"I have to confirm whether I have relapsed. I have to be checked every once in a while. I am used to following Xuexue and went to the hospital. I felt uncomfortable a few times before, but I was not diagnosed. Before I confirm, I can't die. Tell her. Mommy's getting old and not as healthy as she used to be. If I'm fine and telling her I'm not feeling well, it's going to create a panic. Mommy can't stand my sickness coming back again, you understand? She This life has been too miserable. My grandfather passed away when I was a child, and my father passed away a few years after I got married. I got sick again. If the conditions were better, my mother might be able to become a writer or a professor. I have dragged her down .”

"Don't think so. Since your mother decided to give birth to you, she definitely wants to watch you grow up healthy and healthy, and realize your dream."

"Without me, she might be able to live a better life and realize her dream."

"No. It is because of you that she can live a good life."

"Why are you so sure? It seems that you are the child of Teacher Zhou's family." He smiled wryly, "No one has the right to say such things for my mother."

"Then you have no right to think that your mother is better off without you."

"I really didn't expect, Ke Ke, you like to argue so much."

"It was you who raised the bar! I thought Mu Zheng was very bright and brave!"

"Am I brave? Before I got sick, I thought I was brave, brave like my father. But this disease crushed me, drained me, and I didn't have any energy left. You think I always feel like I was in the second and third grades." Is it an exaggeration to say that I am dying? Is it cool to say it now? You have never had this disease and have no idea how terrible it is. Not only is it taking down my family, but my own spirit. Weekly There are endless treatments, and I am less than ten years old. Did you see the critical illness notice when you were ten years old? Do you know what is written on it? Do you want me to recite it to you? That is how close I am to death The most recent moment. Do you know what death feels like? Have you experienced it? It’s like a quilt, covering you, you can’t move, you can’t shout, it covers your body little by little, and it keeps going down Press down, press down, press you into the bed, onto the ground, solidify, and become a mass of nothing, an absolute emptiness...

"Okay, okay, I won't talk about it. I'm sorry to scare you. Let's talk about the treatment. After a set of procedures, even adults can't stand it. It's like torture, or the death penalty is not acceptable. Execution. Human will is limited, and it will be wiped away bit by bit. When it hurts, every organ in the whole body is mixed together. Have you ever felt this way? The most terrifying thing is that you don’t know the pain at all When will it stop. Even if it is shot, the prisoner knows that the pain will end after a while. And I don’t know how long the pain will last. It doesn’t give you any hope. It doesn’t work when you’re standing or sitting, and it still hurts when you lie down. It hurts to bear it, and it hurts to cry out. What can I do? People are completely destroyed by the disease, and there is no dignity left. I don’t want to grin my teeth in front of my mother, and I don’t want to turn and kick on the bed. Kicking around, but what should I do? At that moment, all I thought about was to end it quickly, stop it quickly, I can’t take it anymore. As long as I can stop, I will pay the price of my life. It’s too long. Not to the end.

"I admit that some of my thoughts are very selfish. You can also think that I am cowardly and stupid. But people's will may not be so tenacious. I am just an ordinary person, just a child. I said that my mother can't stand me relapsing again. It's true, of course it's an excuse. Another reason is that I don't have the confidence to do it again. I have done everything I can at that age before, even if there is no hope. Of course, miracles happen Yes. But one can't always expect a miracle. Today I'm lying here again, which means that it's not a miracle, it's just that I lived a few more years. It's like a dream, it wakes up now, and I'm back In the past. I don’t know if it’s going to get better this time, or if I can go through that long treatment again. The biggest fear is that the money is gone, my mother is exhausted by me, and I still have to die. I I've seen this happen to friends."

When Mu Zheng said this, he was still very calm, even with a smile on his face, is this the calm before the storm?The terrible disease didn't completely cover his body, but he clearly knew that he couldn't escape this time.

I had to say something to give him the confidence to receive treatment and the confidence to survive.But what else can I preach but preach?As he said, I have never suffered from such a serious illness, and I have no qualifications or rights to say those innocuous words.It is easy for me to say more, because it is he who faces the pain.

In countless past days, I imagined that if I had a chance to start over and leave Xianxian in this world, I would do it at all costs, even sacrifice myself.But I know that is impossible, those who leave are doomed to have no chance to reappear on this land.But today, Mu Zheng is right in front of me, and the shadow of death haunts my friend again after three years. It seems that I have been given a chance to protect, or rather to redeem.I thought of Mr. Lu Xun's novel, which I read after chatting with Meimei.An old woman asked a young man who had read books, whether there is a soul after death, whether there is hell, and whether the dead can be seen again.The young man hesitated and fled, and the unfortunate woman died that night.Mu Zheng is waiting for me to say something to him, I can say whatever I want, but I know that what I can say is very limited.And, whatever I say on this extraordinary night for so many people, it will have its responsibilities and its price, and it will come whether I can afford it or not.

I was so terrified that I would give a bad answer.

"But... we have to cheer up. The letters you write to you, and the pieces you learn to play, don't these things work miracles? You can hold on. I'll be with you too. Aren't you Do you like Hemingway? As he said, 'A man can be destroyed, but never defeated'. You must have seen "The Old Man and the Sea"..."

I was about to go on, but he interrupted me with a smile.

"Do you know that Hemingway ended up taking his own life with his shotgun. One of the reasons is that he got too many diseases, couldn't write, and lived without dignity."

Oh shit.what did i say.

I seemed to be deafened by the bang of the shotgun, leaving only the sound of the tide floating.

"I do like Hemingway - not just because he wrote The Old Man and the Sea. Have you seen The Snows of Kilimanjaro? The Sun Also Rises? A Farewell to Arms? Deathstroke For whom does it sound?" Zhao Rui mentioned them a few months ago, like yesterday. Sometimes I really think I am the protagonist in the novel.'We must do our best.''You do it. I'm tired .''I just hate death.''It's just a nasty hoax.''I want to take you back to the hotel'.'No, thank you.''Only when death is long overdue and intense pain makes you It's bad when you lose your dignity.''Isn't it nice to think about it that way?'”

I replied hastily that I hadn't read it, and I couldn't understand a single word of his inexplicable words.

"Do you know the origin of my name?" Seeing that I was at a loss, he changed the subject.

Shaking his head.

"A very good poet. My mother likes his poems. His name is Cha Liangzheng, and he has a cousin named Cha Liangyong. You must know him—his pen name is Jin Yong. Cha Liangzheng also has a pen name. , called Mu Dan—it’s me, Mu, you understand? I’ve read some of Mu Dan’s poems, and I like them too. But Ke Ke, sometimes the power of literature is not so strong. When the pain really grabs me, learn The guitar I learned would make me irritable, thinking that the sound was noisy, and I didn’t have the heart to read books. It’s so cruel, and a serious illness can destroy the ideals we have built with literature and music, and my life will be destroyed together.”

"You're right, I even agree with you. I also experienced a very, very dark past. At that time, I read Wen Tianxiang's "Song of Righteousness", 'Heaven and earth have righteousness, mixed with manifolds'. See it Read it, but it's just two lines to me. I don't feel that righteousness, and it doesn't help me in those dark days. But... I guess, bravery is not as demanding as it is imagined So high. In such a dark and unreasonable situation, as long as people try to live, they are brave. Those who survive are heroes, no matter how ordinary. There are many beautiful things in our lives, which are worth living go down."

I felt like my eyes and emotions were out of control.But mind and speech are clear.

"I know how cruel the torture of illness can be. Although I have never been ill, but... Let me tell you. Three years ago, my brother died. Because I thought I lost my glove one night, he replaced it. I went to buy it, but there was an accident. Zhao Rui was there at the time, and he almost died. The past three years have been very dark. I think the pain I have experienced in these three years may be similar to the pain caused by the disease to you He and I slept in the same bed since we were young, and we really grew up together. One day, he disappeared without warning, and when we saw him again, there was a layer of glass. I can never touch him again To him, can't hear his voice anymore, can't even bicker with him. I feel like my life is over because it's not my own illness, and he won't die at all if he has to buy gloves of.

"Mu Zheng, don't die, can you? I beg you, don't die. I know, it will be very hard for you to go to treatment again, I understand, very understand. And me, I lose another friend, I don't want to die. I know what will happen to me. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm threatening to kidnap you, but I really don't know what to do. I just want to persuade you and let you live well. If I can share the pain in half, I am willing to be with you Bear. Alas, I said it nicely. If I can share the burden, I know Teacher Zhou or Xuexue will definitely go up to help you first. But, Mu Zheng, don’t die. Okay? Please, don’t die. Don’t .”

I cried like a little brother holding Mu Zheng's arm, as if I was using all my strength to keep a big brother who was going to travel far away.I did it again in the morning when I was half asleep, and I did it again at night.Apart from begging so hard, there is nothing I can do.

He wiped my tears for me, and waited until my nose was no longer so severe before speaking:
"Well... I might have met your brother. He's number 23, right?"

Nodding while wiping tears and snot.

"It must be him. I played a game with him. You were not there that day, and Zhao Rui was the goalkeeper. The game was evenly matched. I scored a goal. At the end of the game, he dribbled the ball from the side alone. Our side The defenders, midfielders and central defenders chased and intercepted them, but they were all passed cleanly, and the central defender was knocked down. This is completely a single-handed opportunity brought out by myself, and the leader of the general among millions of troops. Facing the attacking goalkeeper, He played from the close corner, very decisive, and the goalkeeper had no way to do anything. What impressed me the most was that he didn't celebrate after scoring the goal, but just picked up the ball and ran towards the center circle, trying to buy time to score again. All of us watched Looking at him, he also looked at us all the way. There was no provocation, no retaliation, no excitement or anxiety. If I pass the opponent's entire defense line and then score a goal, a kneeling celebration is not enough to release, at least I have to do it A somersault, even though I don’t know how to do somersaults, that’s all. And he’s so peaceful, it’s more shocking to me than any other scene.”

"That should be the last match played by Xianxian." I said.

"So..." He pondered for a moment, then continued, "Actually, Ke Ke, you are not quite like your brother. But, they both give people a sense of life. Fresh, lively, full of emotions, whether they are released or not. Come out. This world is terrible, there are too many dark places, but seeing you, especially what you have said to me for so long today... I think there are still many beautiful things in the world. Of course, I have always I am being cared by everyone. Today I was taken care of by you. No, I was taken care of by you two brothers. Although what you said is not so convincing, I feel your efforts and emotions. I am very moved."

"Huh? So... you, you won't commit suicide, will you?" I asked tentatively.

"I didn't say I was going to commit suicide, I just thought about it, and I want to talk to Team Ke today." There was a sly expression on his face.

"I don't even think about it!"

"Here again, don't you have some gray thoughts? The sun has sunspots, but the sun is always the sun. A few days ago I saw a book my mother was reading, and there was a sentence on the waistband, '1 minute The darkness of 'will not blind us', that's what it means. I know it."

As he spoke, he made a movement that I am very familiar with.After seeing it, I was relieved a lot.

"Then you promised me that you will not die."

"As long as you can live, who wants to die." He stretched out his hand, "Aside from other things, what should I do if I die? I can't leave her alone in this world."

"Ah, Mu Zheng, you big villain, are you fishing? Do you want to see the captain make a fool of himself? When you recover, I will punish you severely, and I won't give you any face!" As I spoke, I cried and laughed , climbed onto the bed, reached out and grabbed his face, just like my sister used to grab my face.

"Well, Keke, what time is it?" He asked after breaking free.

"It's less than seven o'clock, what's the matter?"

"You help me a busy."

"Go ahead."

"Take me out. I'm going somewhere."

The tiredness and powerlessness that had been in his eyes looking at me were gone, replaced by a determined gaze that I had seen once today.

　Let me say a few more words... Hemingway is a writer I love and respect very much. The reasons for his suicide have been widely discussed and there is no conclusion.It cannot be ignored that Hemingway's physical condition took a turn for the worse after World War II. He contracted anthrax, cut his eyeballs, suffered from influenza, rolled around with toothache, had hemorrhoids, suffered from kidney disease, his thigh was strained, and his fingers were injured. Deep cuts, broken wrists in car accidents, bruised faces while hunting.Even a drink with friends is out of the question in a full-blown recession.Perhaps it is not "The Old Man and the Sea" that can provide inspiration for the writer's fate, but "The Snows of Kilimanjaro".Regardless of whether Harry lives or dies when he flies over Kilimanjaro at the end of the novel, life and death are reconciled.Maybe a person will not be able to fly Mount Kilimanjaro in his whole life, and be frozen on the road like a leopard, but at least he has climbed it.We have seen the same strength and weakness that the characters and writers in the novel have when they fight.

　　
　
(End of this chapter)