Meet you in the most beautiful years

Chapter 16 Lin Huiyin: A cloud drifts across the sky (2)
As the two beautiful and dazzling stars around Tagore, their hearts are filled with the romantic atmosphere created by lyric poets, and some subtle feelings are also growing secretly, which cannot be eliminated.

Xu Zhimo and Tagore forged a deep friendship. He called the Indian old man "Gor Daddy", and "Gor Daddy" gave Xu Zhimo an Indian name "Susma", which means sunshine and hope.In front of "Ge Dae", he revealed his sweet depression and his swaying longing for Lin Huiyin.So close to the world, the woman he admired was by his side every day, but separated by thousands of layers of pagodas and mountains.

In the eyes of the romantic poet Tagore, the young Xu Zhimo had the infatuation of a sage of love. He understood Xu Zhimo's emotions and lamented that this pair of green people could not be a couple if they matched so well. started as a lobbyist.But the smart woman chose to refuse rationally.

This unfulfilling lovesickness, especially the pain of Xu Zhimo's broken love, Tagore can only hold romantic regrets.Before leaving China, he wrote a small poem to Lin Huiyin, expressing his melancholy regret for the emotional entanglement between her and Xu Zhimo:

The blue of the sky, / fell in love with the green of the earth, / the breeze between them sighed "Ah!"

On May 5, Xu Zhimo accompanied Tagore and his assistant En Houzhi to Taiyuan, and then sent Tagore back to India via Hong Kong.Beijing Qianmen Railway Station was crowded with friends from the literary and art circles who were seeing off.Lin Huiyin said goodbye to Tagore and Xu Zhimo, because one month later, she will go to the United States to study with Liang Sicheng.

Xu Zhimo sat by the car window, looking out the window for a long time and waving Lin Huiyin goodbye.He looked into her eyes, saw her ear-level short hair, and her faintly disappointed smile... Thinking of spending more than a month with her, boundless sadness overflowed from the bottom of his heart.The brief cloud and water photos between him and her will come to an end with the return of the poet.Although Luo Fu is not a husband, so that a king has a wife, but since she got Liang Sicheng, he can no longer find a grandiose reason to take a walk with her on a moonlit night and confide some ambiguous emotions.

Tears flowed down.The poet at this moment is extremely melancholy.Hu Shi yelled in the crowd: "Zhimo is crying!" He took off his glasses, wiped them, and looked up to see the desolate moonlight on Lin Huiyin's face.

The train roared and slowly left the platform.A round of bright yellow moon hung in the quiet night sky, shining on Li Ren's face, it was very sad.The parting made his heart become wild and humid, unable to calm down.Later, he couldn't bear the rush of emotion in his heart, and wrote an unsent letter to Lin Huiyin:
I really don't know what I'm going to say. I've tried to write several times, but every time I can't write.In the past two days, my mind has always been dizzy. I opened and closed my eyes but only saw the blurred moonlight of the night before, illuminating the vehicle we didn't want, retreating slowly into the wilderness.parting!How can people believe it?I'm going crazy just thinking about it.With so many threads, who can cut them?

With so many threads, who can cut them?But he knows that no matter how deep the thoughts are, no matter how dense the thoughts are, he must let go one by one and turn them into smoke and dissipate.She was a cloud that drifted across the center of his lake by chance, and a surprise encounter by chance made him fall in love with her.At this moment, he seemed to be in a dream. When he woke up from the dream, he could only wave his sleeves without taking away a single cloud.

I will miss you many days after this
In the summer of 1924, Liang Sicheng and Lin Huiyin went to the United States to study under Liang Qichao's proposition that "the engagement must be made after each other has completed their studies".

For Xu Zhimo, this is not a small blow.Previously, although Lin and Liang had confirmed their marriage, but had not formally engaged, Xu Zhimo still had a glimmer of hope; but they both flew to the United States. It goes without saying that this marriage is almost a foregone conclusion. His last efforts and expectations , burst like a bubble.

Memories hurt him.The gentle relative in the past is now so close to each other.He began to be in a trance, and he was always disturbed by nightmares when he fell asleep at night. In the dream, it was also the scene of the woman he admired cruelly marrying into another's wife.

I dreamed of you—oh, your haggard look! ——Holding flowers in your hands, being a shy newcomer; I hate——I hate your heartlessness, but I can't bear it, I can't bear your weariness.

Why are you heartbroken?I asked loudly, - but the festive noise eroded my anger; why did you betray the alliance?I asked loudly again—that emerald green light illuminated the tear stains on your cheeks!
In a hurry, in a hurry, I look around at the guests watching the ceremony-why is this full of ghosts and eerie?
I looked at the bridegroom again—oh, God has a flash! ——But it turns out that, snuggling next to my love, is a ferocious skeleton!
——(Xu Zhimo "A Nightmare")
This poem, published in November 1924.At that time, he must have had some secret thoughts that he didn't want to make public, so he used the signature Yun Zhonghe when publishing.It can be concluded that in the first few months when Lin Huiyin left Beijing for the United States, how Xu Zhimo was tormented by longing, and how complicated he was jealous of Liang Sicheng.

Fortunately, he not only has the fanatical romance of a poet, but also has a poetic faith in life.Although he was in pain, he was not depressed. He still participated in rallies and lectures, wrote poems and participated in various social activities non-stop. In early 1925, he founded the Crescent Society Club in Pine Tree Alley.Writers and celebrities such as Liang Qichao, Jiang Baili, Hu Shi, Lin Changmin, Lin Yutang, Zhang Junmai, and Shen Congwen all became members of the club.Soon afterwards, he moved from Shihu Hutong to Songshu Hutong.

The frequent cultural activities gradually offset the persistent and bitter love for Lin Huiyin in his heart.He still loved her, but turned this love into eternal friendship and deep concern.

Then, at a party, he met Lu Xiaoman.Lu Xiaoman's talent and beauty made him plunge into a new relationship.If Lin Huiyin is the only mate of his soul; then Lu Xiaoman is his gentle hometown, and his love and desire have been completely released.

On December 1925, 12, Lin Changmin, who was lobbied by Guo Songling to leave Beijing and leave the customs, was attacked by the Feng army in Sujiatun, Shenyang, and was shot dead by stray bullets. He was 24 years old at the time.At that time, Xu Zhimo was in love with Lu Xiaoman, and when the bad news came, he was in great pain, and immediately wrote "Injury to the Old Man of Double Cinnamon" on the Xinyue Society.I have always felt that among Xu Zhimo's prose, this one can be regarded as affectionate and touching, better than many of his romantic poems.

Zhimo is a young friend of yours who forgets his age.I'm not here to report your achievements, nor to describe your words and deeds; I'm not here to add tears to your last tragic change.The soul is back!At this time, holding the pen in a windy night, there are only two things in my heart: one is your humorous and natural charm, and the other is the brothers and sisters who lost their parents when they were young...

The princes who sent you with you back then have confirmed your dead letter.That night, your flesh and blood walked into your bedroom one by one, sat down in silence, ah, the most embarrassing silence for a while, thousands of painful thoughts were in everyone's heart, in this silent darkness Tragic, agitated, turbulent, ups and downs.The poor children also gathered together in tears, cuddling each other, half understanding the seriousness of the situation.In an instant, the silence was broken, and a loud wail was launched, a deep sorrow between the flesh and blood—are you listening, Mr. Zong Meng, there was a half yellow moon slanting towards the desolation of the White Pagoda in Beihai that night?
……

No, you are not an "old man"; you are at least one of us youngsters.In your spirit, we can't see the gray hair on the sideburns, and we can't see the traces of 50 years of time; you are still the "easy" style in the story of "Spring Marks" two or 30 years ago-"There is no place for all kinds of styles" , is your most proud famous sentence, who would have expected that the following sentence would be "Bai Xue buried Huadian in Liaoyuan"!
——(Xu Zhimo's "Injury to the Old Man with Double Cinnamon")
This eulogy is enough to make people mourn.I don't know what Lin Huiyin's mood would be when she read this text. If she cried bitterly at that time, Xu Zhimo would give her the warmest embrace.Perhaps, this is the moment when their hearts are closest.Many years later, in her missive for Zhimo, she said that he had a childlike sincerity and innocence. Although she declined his fiery enthusiasm, she never rejected his precious friendship.

Although they were not destined to be together for life, Xu Zhimo was still troubled by the grief brought by Lin Changmin's death to Lin Huiyin.

The most pitiful thing is Weiwei who is far away overseas. She, you once told me, is your only confidant; you, she also told me, is her only confidant.You father and daughter are not ordinary father and daughter. "Being the father of a talented daughter", you once said, "is not an easy blessing, you have to lower your family's seniority and first seek to achieve friendship and understanding." Wei, needless to say, you are the only one who admires you all your life , in her life's ideal plan, which thing can be separated from her own old father who is smart?But now, it's pitiful, everything has become a dream, separated by thousands of miles, how can her weak heart bear this heavy misery!Who should she ask her to make up for the flaws of the whole day?Bless her, the heroic spirit you don't like, Mr. Zongmeng, give her health, give her happiness, especially give her artistic success...

——(Xu Zhimo's "Injury to the Old Man with Double Cinnamon")
In October 1926, Xu Zhimo and Lu Xiaoman held their wedding in Beihai; at the end of 10, Liang Sicheng and Lin Huiyin got engaged, and in March of the following year, they married in Ottawa, Canada.

It seems that at this point, everything is harmonious and natural, and the prince and princess have become the protagonists of the happy reunion in the mythological drama.But in the days to come, their emotional world is still closely related, and some melancholy and thoughtful thoughts are often aroused, scattered into clouds all over the sky.

Xu Zhimo and Lu Xiaoman had just married. In early 1927, Hu Shi traveled to the United States and brought news of Zhimo's marriage to Lin Huiyin.At that moment, although she had been prepared in her heart, melancholy and disappointment still filled her heart uncontrollably.She has always been dignified and dignified, but in her letter to Hu Shi, her emotions were a bit out of control.

When I went back, I saw my friends greeting me. Please tell Zhimo after returning home that I have had enough of loneliness and disappointment in the past three years. Now I can find comfort and satisfaction in loneliness and disappointment.Tell him that I absolutely do not blame him, I only hope that he will forgive me for all the ignorance in the past.But Lu Yuan is separated, and misunderstandings are inevitable, so he should forgive me.I read through his old letters one by one yesterday, and now I understand the old Zhimo thoroughly, but the past is past, so there is no need to mention it now.I just want to remember it forever.

In June 1928, Xu Zhimo, who was deeply disappointed by Lu Xiaoman's hard-won habits, traveled abroad and arrived in London in August. Finally, he relived his old dreams in Cambridge and saw the soft waves and water plants in the sunset of the Cam River again.It is not difficult to guess his mood at this moment, the memory of the spring of 6 occupied his heart, and now, the reality of marriage he experienced is so unbearable.The deep remembrance of Cambridge's past, or the nostalgia for Lin Huiyin who filled his youthful memories, like a farewell flute, made him write the long-spread "Farewell to Cambridge".

In 1930, Lin Huiyin returned to Beijing from Northeastern University where she taught, and lived in Shuangqing Villa in Xiangshan to recuperate. She got tuberculosis.

At that time, Xu Zhimo was commuting between Shanghai and Beijing to teach in order to make up for the shortage of family resources. When he was busy, he went to Xiangshan to visit Lin Huiyin who was ill.The once talented woman was already thinner than a yellow flower. When Zhimo suddenly appeared, there was still a spring mist in her eyes and heart.Although she was ill, she actually had the feeling to write poetry.

That night my boat pushed out of the center of the river, and the clear blue sky was supported by dense stars.

That night your hand held mine, the lost starry night closed and lifted the lock.

That night, you and I set a direction, and each of us recognized a life.

Up to now, my ship is still floating on the sea surface, and the thin mast is often shaken in the wind and waves.

So far the sun is only hovering behind me, and layers of shadows stay around me.

Until now, I still remember the sky of that night, the starlight, tears, and the white riverside!
Until now, I still miss the sowing on your shore: red flowers and yellow flowers blooming vividly.

——(Lin Huiyin's "That Night")
This poem was written in April 1931. It may be Lin Huiyin's earliest surviving poem. It was signed Chichui and published in "Poetry Magazine" edited by Xu Zhimo. "That night you and I set a direction, / Each of us recognized a life." These two sentences seem to be for a distant echo, echoing Zhimo's "Accidental" - "You I met on the sea of ​​night, / You have yours, I have mine, direction; / You can remember it, / It’s best you forget, / The light that shines on each other when they meet!"

During this time, some familiar subtle emotions revived in their hearts.There must be some unforgettable past, a certain moment, a certain moment, so beautiful and secret, like the clear blue sky and the deep river that night, like the whispering of the spring breeze and the green grass.

No one can predict what will happen next.If he can live for a long time, there may still be stories continuing on their stage. Life is a play, but he couldn't wait for the time to hold her hand and take the curtain call together.

On the morning of November 1931, 11, in the late autumn weather, Jinan was foggy.Xu Zhimo's special postal plane crashed into Kaishan over Dangjiazhuang, Jinan, crashed and fell, and Xu Zhimo and two pilots were killed on the spot.

He was going to Beiping, because Lin Huiyin was going to hold a lecture on architectural art in the Concorde Auditorium that night, and he wanted to appear at the venue in time and in her sight, so after arguing with Lu Xiaoman in Shanghai, he met friends in Nanjing , he flew from Nanjing to Peiping.

I can only helplessly think that this is the arrangement of fate.He is a romantic poet with a childlike innocence and pure heart.He yearns for the freedom and leisure of the blue sky and white clouds, and the love where the white clouds reflect the heart of the lake.Flying has always been his dream.In his early creation "Want to Fly", he shouted: "There is no one who does not want to fly... Fly out of this circle, fly out of this circle! Go to the clouds, go to the clouds!"

However, this article is like an elegy and prophecy for himself. He presupposes the posture of flying and the end of life.

At the same time, the dark spot in the sky was already approaching above my head, forming a bird-shaped machine. Suddenly, along the side of the machine, a ball of light shot straight down, and there was a bang of boron, which shattered me. In the fantasy of flying, a few piles of broken clouds are added to the blue sky...

——(Xu Zhimo "Want to Fly")
What a weird and incredible coincidence!He seems to have seen how he will disappear from the world many years later, and foresees that he will fly to the sky in a bird-shaped machine, and then the world will be chaotic, and all grievances, sorrows, joys, loves and hatreds will disappear without a trace in an instant.

"There will be many days of missing you in the future", Lin Huiyin said in "Mourning Zhimo", "I am afraid that it will be all dark pain, and there will be no light..."

I know him for ten years this year, when he was at the London School of Economics and had not yet gone to Cambridge.The first time I met him was the first time he knew Mr. Dickinson who influenced him to move to school.Needless to say, he and my father got along the most, as soon as we met, we became confidantes of each other...

——(Lin Huiyin's "Mourning Zhimo")
She is like a more and more quiet woman, sitting on a bamboo chair at dusk and reminiscing.The days of losing Xu Zhimo seem to have added a bit of coolness, and the memory has a bit of warmth, ironing the time when the world is turning.On the fourth anniversary of his death, she is like a lover who has never gone far, still writing commemorative articles for him in the same place of memory:
Last year today, I accidentally passed by your hometown from southern Zhejiang. In the dim night, I stood alone outside the train door, staring at the gloomy platform, silently recalling many discontinuous fragments of the past, until the illusion between life and death Into a blur, life and a series of train-like meandering questions running in the boundless.I think of your:

"The train clings to the rails and runs in the dark
Over mountains, over water, over..."

If my tears had overflowed my eyelashes involuntarily at that time, I know you will forgive me.You should trust that I will not surrender to sorrow...

——(Lin Huiyin's "Commemorating the Fourth Anniversary of Zhimo's Death")
If Zhimo knows, should he be thankful that the woman he once loved missed him so deeply in the days when he left. "I get it, I'm lucky; I can't, it's my life", maybe, he should smile, the soul mate he was looking for in the vast sea of ​​people accepted his childlike innocence, understood his beauty and shortcomings, and understood him. The mind behind every word, therefore, no one knows each other's mind better than them.

Fortunately, before his death, Lin Huiyin wrote a song "Wish", which is a kind of lingering, a kind of farewell to this love between clouds and water.

I would rather turn into a fallen leaf, let the wind and rain blow and drift everywhere; or a floating cloud, in the clear blue sky, no longer involved with the earth.

But hold on to the symbol of sadness, to touch the loss of nowhere; at dusk, in the middle of the night, walking on tiptoe, all empty, no more tenderness.

Forget that there was this world; there was you; mourning who had love; falling like flowers, forgetting to go, the emotions in these tears.

On that day, nothing will remain, less than a flash of light, a breath of wind, traces, and you will forget about me, who once lived in this world.

——(Lin Huiyin's "Wishing") Clinging close to her gentle, wave-like heart——Melting, melting, melting—melting into her gentle, wave-like heart!
(End of this chapter)