Roaming in the dark

Chapter 600
"I endured not having an attack. I knew that once I had an attack, there would be no turning back, and we would have a showdown. Although I knew that the two of us were finished, I didn't think about what to do next. It happened too suddenly. gone."

As the baby talked, she sat up on the massage table, and Sheng Chuncheng stopped what she was doing without interrupting her.

Every massage room here has a large area. In addition to massage beds, there are also sofas for guests to rest.The baby stood up, went to the sofa and sat down. After sitting down, she remembered and said to Sheng Chuncheng:
"Oh, sorry, Mr. Sheng, we will continue later, shall we?"

Sheng Chuncheng said yes.

"I'm so long-winded, you really won't be disturbed?" The baby asked again.

Sheng Chuncheng said no, he poured a glass of water, walked over and put it in front of the baby, and sat down on the sofa himself, he said to the baby:
"You keep talking."

The baby took a sip from the cup, then looked at Sheng Chuncheng, and said to him: "Thank you, Mr. Sheng, I have never said so many words before."

Sheng Chuncheng said: "Let's talk about it, people will feel more relaxed if you say it, it's all pent up in your heart, and it's not good for your body."

"Thank you." The baby nodded, then sighed again.

"That night, he fell asleep, but I never fell asleep again. When I woke up, I was thinking, what should I do next?
"The first thought was that I should go back to the United States and continue to study for my doctorate, but it was quickly rejected. I know that it is impossible now. I have been a housewife for so many years, let alone a graduate student. Those things that I learned, that is, those things I learned in college, have almost been forgotten.

"Now the knowledge is updated so fast, the things I learned at the beginning are now old antiques. For so many years, I have not only been far away from society, but also far away from my major. If I go back to school now, I probably won't start again as a graduate student. , You have to start over from an undergraduate degree to keep up.

"Also, I still have a child in my stomach. It's impossible for such a big child. I can go back to school with a big belly, give birth to the child, and start my studies while breastfeeding the child? How is it possible? ? And what about financial resources?

"After the divorce, although I can get a certain amount of compensation, it will always be used up when it runs out, especially when going to the United States, the expenses are so high. The scholarship must not be expected, tuition plus living expenses, plus raising children, at least one It costs more than [-] U.S. dollars a month, and I will become a pauper in a short time, and I will not be able to support it.

"If I don't go back to school, where can I go, go back to Taiwan? Isn't that self-defeating? When I was about to drop out of school, everyone was so opposed. I didn't listen, and decided to go one way to the end. Now I have nowhere to go. How is it possible to go back to Taiwan? I can bear so many people watching me laugh at me?
"Don't go back to Taiwan, but stay in the mainland? The most basic condition for staying in the mainland is that I can find a job and support myself and my children. What can I do? What kind of work can I do? My experience is blank, and my academic qualifications are blank. It was a few years ago. For so many years, I have been completely isolated from society. No, I have never even entered society.

"Isn't it? I haven't even applied for a job. I went from a student to a full-time mother. If you ask me to write a cover letter, I can't write it. With my qualifications, I'm not as good as a fresh graduate I'm pregnant, and I'm still pregnant, probably even the most sympathetic boss wouldn't want me, right?
"What's more, the current employment environment in mainland China is so severe. Even students who have returned from studying abroad have no advantages. For me, it can be said that there are no advantages and all disadvantages. The careers I can imagine are probably only Go to the supermarket cashier and the like. What Caltech, expired Caltech, is waste paper.

"Realistically speaking, that night, I thought a lot, and I thought that if I didn't explode, I would have wronged myself. If I exploded, I would destroy everything. Including my son's, and my unborn child Yes, I am not a good mother, but my children are the most important thing in front of me.

"I know that as long as I break out, it will be a showdown. If I forbear, I can still maintain everything on the surface. He won't do too much. It's not that he doesn't want to, but he doesn't dare. I know his weakness, and he is also afraid of me. Big companies nowadays are very careful and pay attention to moral risks. If I really sweat it, they will tear their faces and make trouble with other companies or online.

"His partner qualification will definitely be revoked first. The other partners can't stand a person with moral flaws in the team. They won't take this risk. The second is that he will be demoted. If I make trouble again It's so bad, it's very possible that he will be dismissed by the company.

"He is not an ordinary programmer. For a person of his status, his choice is not very large, but very small. In the world, there are only a few companies he can go to. These companies, He attaches great importance to the innocence of his resume. Once he leaves the current company in a disgraceful manner, other companies will not want him in order to avoid moral hazards.

"As long as he leaves the platform, he is nothing. The light on his body is like the moon and the sun. It is brought to him by the platform, not by him.

"And once he falls into such a situation, I also thought about it. It is not him who is the most unlucky, but my son and the baby in my belly. My son must drop out of his current school. This is for sure. Next I don’t know what school I can go to. The red house obstetrics hospital and the confinement center’s confinement woman I booked must also be returned.

"I don't know where my baby will be born, but once he or she is born, he or she will not have a good life, and even basic nutrition is not guaranteed. This is a high probability event. These things make me more and more afraid , At this time, I really regretted the decision I made to drop out of school.

"I think that if I was at that time, even if I had a big belly, insisted on taking down my doctorate, and then took my child to find a job, I wouldn't be unable to find a job, and I wouldn't be out of touch with society. I just believed him too much. , I believe in his promise too much. Only now do I understand that everyone's path must be walked out by himself after all, and cannot be parasitic on others.

"For so many years, I have really been like a vine, parasitic on his body. Others look at him from a distance and feel very good and warm. I don't know that this parasitic relationship is actually unreliable. I am really very happy. regret.

"That night, I thought about it all night, despaired, and felt that I had no choice. At the very least, even if I had to endure it for a few more months, I would have to give birth to the child in my stomach. For him or her, I also had to Maintaining the superficial calm at home, you can't stand being torn apart, let alone being torn apart.

"And I try not to explode. The best choice is not to let him know that I have cracked the password of his mobile phone. Once he knows and he starts to delete WeChat, then I will really become a Blind and deaf, I don't know anything anymore. Like now, I can at least grasp the accurate situation.

"That night, I looked at him who was sleeping soundly beside me, and when I thought of what that woman he Khan did and said, I felt disgusted. I really wanted to kick him away, or get up by myself, just like Khan did yesterday. , go to my son's room to sleep. But thinking that I want to know his real situation, every night, no matter how disgusting I am, I have to restrain my nausea and continue to sleep here.

"Otherwise, I don't even have access to his mobile phone, how can I know his situation? Moreover, during the day, I have to be like an actor, playing a silly guy every day, trusting him, everything I don’t know myself, I seem to have to do this.”

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(End of this chapter)