There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

The best way to tackle something was to take it one step at a time, so Delta did that. She had ample time to choose her next floor, confident she’d have a choice before long.

“First order of business is...” Delta pointed to the simple door to the north.

“The boss,” she said and it was like the entire floor tensed in excitement. Like all boss rooms, it was a simple empty round room, waiting for Delta to mould it into something.

“First floor? Fran and Bacon, they offer direct combat and a sort of ‘give it your all’ vibe,” Delta mused aloud as she paced back and forth, finding it soothing to just be a Dungeon for the moment. Make a room, fill the room, use the room, then move on to the next room.

“Second floor has Wyin, who is about challenging you after long trials and purposely being antagonistic towards adventurers and kidnapping one of them to cause panic,” Delta held up the other hand.

So, her third boss should be something either tricky, gimmicky, or minion-using if she was going to keep things fresh.

She pursed her lips.

“Or all of the above?” she said slyly and pulled up her menus to go through them in search of important items.

After a moment, she had a simple iron cauldron over flame as she began to drop things in.

“One dragon skull, a Gutrot, a lich bone or two, and to make them cook so lovely... “ Delta held her hands up and a jug appeared before she poured the thick goop into the pot.

“Troll soup,” she said with a grin.

After a moment, nothing happened. Delta frowned before she went to the library and returned with a spare copy of Hungry Caterpillar.

“I forgot some good taste,” she amended as she dropped the book in.

The cauldron began to shake and shoot sparks into the air. Delta took three steps back, hands clasped together.

“Come on, show me the horrors I made!” she beckoned.

She’d show Nu who was 11…

The pot exploded.

---

“I mean we have a job. We can’t exactly just ask for a promotion,” Dragon said gruffly.

“We could,” Doctor countered, interested in what his boss form would be. Van opened his mouth, but an enormous explosion rocked the third floor and a terrible presence soon filled the boss room.

“On second thought? I’m happy staying out here,” Dozer announced quickly.

“I heard the sound of chaos,” Doctor sang and tried to glide towards the boss room but was held back by Van.

“Best to wait until Delta screams or complains... then we’ll know,” he said gruffly, his muscles flexing as he crossed his arms.

“Know what?” Dragon asked as he snorted out flames.

“If our minds can handle what lies within,” Van responded quietly.

They all waited.

--

Delta coughed, clearing the smoke from her vision as she looked to see what she made.

On the ground in front of her a tiny draconian skull with two curly horns.

Delta stared at the tiny skull.

The skull stared back, empty eye sockets without expression.

“You’re going to do something the moment I look away or drop my guard,” she accused and inside one of the eyes, a little green grub emerged, more slime than bug.

It yawned, with black floating material inside forming its little beady eyes.

Delta bent down.

“I was trying to make a giant wave of bone and slime that would be a threat unless they did the right trick,” she admitted. The little slime eyed her and opened its mouth to reveal four little stubby nubs in each corner of its mouth that could have been teeth.

“I don’t believe you,” Delta said with a smile and the creature blinked then smiled with a happy gurgle.

She pulled up his notification.

‘You have created ‘Jellagon’.

A creature made with powerful necrotic energies and a habit of snacking on expensive things. As a potential boss, it is weak now, but if made a boss it gains strong effects. Make boss?’

Delta thought about it and the grub made its black eyes enlarge pathetically.

“Oh... alright,” she said as if she was ever going to say no.

Her bosses weren’t really about being bosses. They were about bringing a floor together and this guy was great.

“Make boss,” she announced and booped the grub’s face, making it gurgle with delight.

All that seemed to happen was on its dragon skull, a little golden crown appeared, making the grub applaud with delight.

Her field was abruptly filled with screens and she barely had time to read them before another one appeared.

‘Jellagon has become ‘King Jellagon’: The Third Floor Boss!

Jellagon is a happy creature that is usually easy to defeat, however the more adventurers take from the floor, the stronger he becomes.

-If an adventurer overeats at the feast hall, Jellagon grows larger.

-If an adventurer takes from the mushroom tunnel, he develops stronger acid and mushroom powers.

-If an adventurer steals from Runelic the Blacksmith at his forge, his skull becomes a body.

-If the adventurers take or destroy things in the lab, Jellagon can produce Prince Jelly and Princess Jelica slimes as minions.

-If anyone drinks from the Mana well without permission, Jellagon becomes ‘Dark King Jellagon’.

-If anyone steals from Jeb’s kitchen, Jellagon can produce skeletal Pygmy mushroom minions.

-If books are taken from the library without permission. Jellagon can invite Libro into the boss room at the back of adventurers.

-If all the trolls and/or all the Guardgoyles are destroyed, Jellagon can summon ‘Royal Slime Knight’ and ‘Troll Soup’ slimes(if both are destroyed, can summon both types)as minions.

-If every previous ‘bonus’ is activated. Jellagon can go from ‘Dark King Jellagon’ to ‘Overlord Jellagon’.

‘

 

Delta read this over a few times, her smile growing as she read.

“I wonder what happens if I add like ten more things for people to take?” she mused before picking Jellagon up and holding his skull to her body.

“Who's a cute destroyer of gluttony and greed?” she said, and the little worm-slime cheered.

She was smiling as this was so simple and fun. No liches, no war... no pressing doom. Just good old Dungeon fun!

“Now, your room must be befitting a king of your stature,” she announced grandly and Jellagon warbled in agreement.

“You know...” she began, walking forward with her boss in her arms.

“I just got this throne off this brat,” she said brightly.

She began to weave the room around her like a canvas and her hand as the brush.

Her joy was the paint.

---

“Hit me,” Mharia mumbled. Fera eyed the fairy before pouring her another hot milk, sliding it across the counter into Mharia’s open hand.

“Hard day?” Fera asked acidicly.

“Funny... I get it. I’m a horrible fairy lich who should suffer because I dared upset Mommy Delta,” Mharia groaned and sipped her milk.

“Nah, we can forgive whatever you were before becoming Dungeon. It’s the fact you kept going after Delta let you live that annoys us,” Fera said bluntly.

“Maybe I didn’t want to live! How about that?” Mharia snapped and turned her dark glare on Fera, trying to conjure dark power, only to be facing down some massive twin-barreled fire-crystal powered gun.

“One reason... just give me one reason and unlike the self-absorbed rocking chair called Wyin? I’ll actually do more than play,” Fera snarled.

They stared at each other. Mharia backed off first.

“I don’t get why I’m here,” Mharia finally admitted and drained her milk. Fera had a fresh one waiting for her.

“Punishment, prisoner of war, redemption, maybe something else? You’re expecting to be able to get into Delta’s head and that’s where you’re screwing up. Delta can be directed or even shifted, but Delta cannot be stopped,” Fera leaned in and her frame was powerful.

“She's too nice so she has us to lay down the truth. None of us get enough time with her. We all want to know more, ask more, be more... but Delta is one person and we are many. You cannot ask the sun to shine on you alone,” Fera said quietly and walked off.

“So, am I to wait here and just hope for the best?” Mharia asked, scoffing slightly.

“Get a hobby or bother Nu. It works for the rest of us,” Fera said as she vanished through the back of her bar.

Mharia glared at the door and floated up.

“Perhaps you’re right... I should just do something,” Mharia agreed and shot off flying through the first and second floors so fast it was a blur, edging around Wyin who looked savage and delighted at Mharia’s reaction.

The fairy powered on and before long she was inside the room beyond the garden, ready to speak to Delta... to demand the sun look at her for a moment.

Delta was busy shaping the room and the floor to resemble some rather basic throne room of sorts. Mharia opened her mouth, but the skull resting on Delta’s shoulder turned and the creature within ‘looked’ at her and Mharia suddenly couldn’t breathe, it felt like the air had turned heavy and was on fire.

The skull seemed to grow to Mharia, the slime inside becoming less of a worm and more of a... wyrm?

It rose above her and its black eyes ignited in sickly yellow flames as the skull filled and cracked. It stared down at her, with a long serpentine body dripping with more potent necromantic energies than even Mharia once possessed.

Delta turned around and the skull was just a skull, the image of the dangerous being gone like a mirage she had wandered too close to.

“Mharia...” Delta said, surprised at the sight of her.

“C-Can we talk?” Mharia asked, feeling like her fake-flesh had turned ghostly white.

Delta eyed the room with a frown as if she had been enjoying herself, then nodded.

“I could use a break... from my break,” she joked and put the ‘hellish-beast-let-it-die’ down on the ground, promising she’d be back after a quick coffee break.

“Let me show you to my favourite place,” Delta said; and Mharia would agree to go back to the troll pot if it meant getting away from Wyin or this thing.

Delta’s bosses were the stuff of nightmares.

---

Alpha had gone to the moon.

That was an experience.

Now, he was back in Durance; an arguably stranger place.

He walked past people he felt completely outclassed by. Monsters walking around like normal villagers, pretending to barter or enjoying the act of ‘town gossip’. They had carved a life here, but it felt a little like a stage prop at times.

Like they were waiting for the curtain to rise and the show to begin.

And Alpha would soon become one of them. The idea didn’t scare Alpha as much as it used to. He’d camp outside Delta’s Dungeon if need be, but he was glad to be nearby. He pondered the idea of being a contract with her, but apparently, the idea unsettled people.

Contracted Humans had a stigma attached to them, from what Alpha had heard anyway.

As he walked down the street he was stopped by a voice that he had learned to fear

“I wondered where you ran off to, Al,” Perhal’s voice sounded out as she emerged from the tavern, looking peckish. Perhal always looked peckish... it was when she was starving that Alpha didn’t dare get near.

“I was exploring,” he said simply, deciding he wasn’t lying. Explored a dungeon, found family, lost his soul to a demonic lich girl, got rescued, was present for the meeting between the two gods from his nightmares, left for a snack. He didn’t skip too much... honestly.

“Come on, you’re sticking by me. I’m heading back to report that the town is... functional as a new base of operations for the king’s little men,” Perhal said brightly,as if the idea of those ‘little men’ was a snack she could pick up on the way home.

Less than 24 hours ago, Alpha would have snapped to attention, accepting the request without a word; but he didn’t, now...

Her request? No... her order?

Alpha didn’t care for it.

“I quit the knights and being your Squire. I’ll be staying here,” Alpha announced and he felt almost pain at seeing the words ‘Quest Failed’ appear; but Delta’s face appeared in his mind and he powered on, only shaking slightly.

“What was that, Al?” Perhal asked, confused, perfectly innocent with her expression.

“I quit,” he repeated, a cascade of ‘quest failed’ notifications appearing as his requests built up in his time in the capital were abruptly cut off. He trembled, feeling... like a failure, but he held on to the lingering touches of Delta’s mana, it felt safe... like an old hand that used to promise him safety... and made it happen.

“Sure, you can quit,” Perhal shrugged and leaned down.

“I just need your hand to sign the papers back home. You don’t mind if I take just one?” she asked brightly and drool escaped the corner of her mouth at the idea.

Alpha backed up, unable to stop feeling afraid. Perhal’s frame seemed to be rippling like her skin was a suit she wore.

“Al... you always looked the most scrumptious of the squires. It's why I wanted you as mine!” she explained, and advanced on him.

Someone stepped between them.

“EXC-um, excuse me,” a soft voice interrupted and Alpha looked to see the familiar red hair of the boy he met in Delta’s Dungeon.

Deo.

“Miss, I advise you to step back and not eat my friend,” Deo said bravely. Alpha looked around, wondering if he missed another one of the teens from before, or Kemy. He didn’t see anyone, and wondered if Deo’s friend had a level 99 stealth skill?

Impressive...

“And what a cute little strawberry you are,” Perhal giggled like she was a schoolgirl and bent down, drooling obscenely now.

“I could just gobble you right up,” she promised.

“MA- Ma’am, I think eating people has been illegal since five years ago after Mister Von got cranky,” Deo admitted before turning and smiling at Alpha.

“And you can’t eat him; we only just became friends. I haven’t had time to invite him to dinner or play ‘heroes and more heroes’,” he explained.

Wait... did Deo mean Alpha was his friend? He checked his mental notifications.

He hadn’t gotten a party invite or a quest...

“You two are like cream and strawberries, just the perfect match. A little bite of each is all I need and you can go home,” the large knight said and took Deo’s arm.

Alpha didn’t know exactly what happened next, but his sensory skills went insane.

The world went so quiet that his own heartbeat hurt to hear. It thumped louder and louder, the sound overpowering. He breathed and the sensation of his lungs inflating was torturous. There was a new sound, someone stepping on the cobbles and the sound was like crashing waves or cannon fire, but however bad it was for Alpha, Parhal was on the ground, skin tearing, ears leaking fluids and eyes expanding.

Deo winced, but didn’t look to be harmed.

A beautiful woman who bore a striking resemblance to Deo appeared and looked down at the Royal Knight with disdain.

If it was too quiet before? It was like the world completely stilled around the woman and she seemed to eye Alpha before the effect she had over him faded to a bearable level.

She bent down, looking the snarling Perhal in the face.

When she spoke, it was like a primordial bang in the darkest of space, bringing light.

“Don’t.”

A single word and the street shattered, Parhal’s royal knight armour cracking as the woman was pushed back hard enough that her bones began to fracture.

Then sound returned to the world with an almost simple ‘pop’.

Perhal was still, unmoving as her hair was splayed out and away from her, her slowly healing skin raw.

“Deo... do you want sweet potatoes or carrots?” the woman asked, voice sweet. Deo eyed the fallen knight with a frown but looked like he was thinking hard then eyed Alpha.

“Do you like carrots?” he asked. The woman eyed Alpha with a wary look, but offered him a small smile after a moment.

Alpha liked carrots.

“Whatever you like,” he said, in shock.

“Let’s get both,” Deo suggested, and his mother nodded with a smile, looking tearful at her son and his ability to hear her.

Then Alpha was dragged away by the two for an unexpected dinner. His ‘resignation’ from the Royal Knights didn’t go out with a whimper, but that was definitely not a bang.

‘Delta... what did you get me involved with?’ he mentally asked.

---

‘This isn’t my fault,’ Delta mentally grimaced, trying not to let it show.

At the bottom of the lake, Mharia and Delta sat in very strained silence as they avoided each other’s gaze.

‘I didn’t start this war or this conversation,’ she added and Mharia sighed.

“What’s that?” she asked, pointing to something, but sounding like she wasn’t bothered if she was answered. The air bubble around her head that Delta made let her speak clearly. Delta followed her gaze to see the bouncing googly eyes of a very obvious sunken treasure chest.

“It’s a trick mimic, people think it's a trap mimic but inside is a rare key to all the doors in the dungeon,” she said and Mharia floated over and kicked it with interest. A second later and there were nothing but bubbles in the lake as Clamamity swallowed Mharia, its large tongue sticking out at the side of its body.

“I hate you,” came Mharia’s muffled voice. Delta gestured for the clam to release Mharia, and it spat her out with a grin.

“Let’s talk, ‘cause you’re bumming me out,” Delta said and Mharia looked pissed.

“I’m bumming you out? You enslaved me!” she reminded Delta, as if the core could forget.

“You tried to kill me, eat my friends, then turn me insane. I win,” Delta said flatly.

“Just tell me what you want so we can end this charade. Clearly, neither of us is happy about it,” Mharia said, smoothing down her small dress and folding her wings behind her to let her float in the water.

“You agreed to this; and I’ve got so much going on that yes, I’m sorry you feel ‘enslaved’ and forgotten about, but I really do not stop working,” Delta sighed as she eyed the fake moon.

It was funny how she always ended up back here.

Mharia went on about how she felt like a joke or like she was just around as a punching bag, but Delta wasn’t listening for the moment.

She had just had an idea!

Usually, this only worked with Nu, but Mharia could also fill the same role!

“Ria, I have a plan,” Delta said. Mharia stopped abruptly, mouth open.

“I beg your pardon, I will not have my-” she began; but Delta grabbed her and shot into the air, taking the fairy with her.

Delta zoomed to the very first room beyond her entrance.

“Oh, spiderwebs, that didn’t get old after the first ten years down here,” Mharia said sarcastically as she tried to fix her hair.

“Shh... etiquette time. You were a princess, right?” Delta asked, and Mharia paused before nodding slowly.

“The middle-child of three, but yes,” she muttered and after a second, the Spider Court emerged, reformed from their time as the Symphony of Nightmares.

They all perched on webs, beginning the three-hour-long dance of greeting.

Behind them, two more shapes lowered themselves into the room from above. The ghostly form of Muffet moved with an elegant and ethereal grace. Quee was less elegant, more an awkward teen trying to dance down a web.

Delta responded with an ‘I’d love to talk, but must cut the greeting short’ counter-dance so as not to simply be rude. It involved a lot of squatting and flailing.

“Oh mighty spiders, I bring you a noble annoyance from a fallen kingdom. Her attitude makes her molting awkward and her manners make poor webs,” she said, and Mharia turned slowly to glare at Delta.

Muffet twisted, making elegant gestures of such lyrical poetry that it would bring tears to the eight eyes of any spider that saw it.

Quee crossed his human arms and glared at Mharia, who was staring at his very pretty features with shyness before she looked away, angry at herself.

Delta translated the beauty of spider-word into less pretty English.

‘What do you wish for us to do with the rude boney one?’

“She needs a place to be a catty little rude thing but in a way she can pass it off as charming. She needs politics.” Delta said easily.

“I’m not sure spiders can provide such... means,” Mharia scoffed and one of the spiders touched her wings before shaking its head.

Two more shared whispers behind their legs.

Quee puffed his chest up.

“Your cheekbones are quite high,” he said smugly. Mharia stared at him before she clung to Delta.

“You can’t leave me here,” she commanded a little desperately.

Delta calmly took her and placed her on a nearby web, sticking her in place.

“I’ll swing by later. The spiders are the most unbiased of my monsters if you observe their rules. Just work your way in and keep a cool head. You’ll be popular in no time,” she promised, fudging the truth just a tad.

‘Popular’ was overselling it.

“How many rules?” Mharia asked, her cherubic face pinched as she waved her hands.

“Well... you just broke four there and insulted someone’s third leg in the same motions, so watch that,” Delta replied brightly.

Muffet placed an elegant web hat on Mharia’s head.

“Look. you’ve been given the ‘Forgive this one for her actions in future tidings as her knowledge is that of the unborn’ hat!” Delta exclaimed excitedly as the floppy hat settled on the lich-fairy’s head.

Mharia eyed the hat.

“It’s a nice hat,” she had to admit after being stuck with the same clothes for the last hundred years.

“I shall instruct you as we have mostly similar arms and hands,” Quee said briskly, walking forward, long hair flowing. Mharia went quiet.

“...kay,” she finally said, shrinking into her hat to avoid being seen.

Delta eyed this with amusement.

Ah, undeveloped mental personalities that got stuck at the mental age of early teens for a century. So easily flustered...

Delta should have sent a dozen handsome spider-boys at Mharia, not hulking monstrosities.

Hindsight was funny like that.