Tatami Time Machine Blues

Chapter 2 — August 11th (Part 1)
One night late last autumn, I had a strange dream. This was during the period when, deeply wounded by the infighting in the Keifuku Railroad Research Circle, I had withdrawn from the world and shut myself up inside my 4½ tatami room.

This is how the dream went.

Waking up from a long, lazy nap I sat up in my futon. Around me were the same old ceiling, same old room, same old silence. But I felt a strange perturbation in my chest. I opened the door to go to the bathroom, but rather than coming out into the hallway I was met with a mirror replica of my own room. Through the window of this room was yet another 4½ tatami room, and so on and so on. I was trapped in a bizarre universe of 4½ tatami rooms. It was such an absurd dream, and yet it felt strangely real.

Throughout this summer vacation I had often thought about that dream. That was because every single wasted day this summer had reminded me of those infinite 4½ tatami rooms. Yesterday bled into today bled into tomorrow, like an endless parade of indistinguishable tatami rooms marching on to the ends of the universe.

If yesterday was the same as today, and today was the same as tomorrow, how was this summer ever going to end?

I was wandering through an infinite summer.

◯

When Akashi and I arrived in yesterday, we couldn’t tell at a glance whether this was, in fact, yesterday. The broiling afternoon heat, the garbage piled up in the hallway, the soft tinkling of the wind chime swaying in the breeze: everything seemed so unchanged that it hardly felt as if we had traveled through time.

But on the door of Higuchi’s room 210 was stuck a piece of paper that said “Filming at landlady’s”. Higuchi didn’t possess a phone, so when he was out he would always post a note on his door for the convenience of disciples and friends who came to call. That meant that at this very moment, he was filming Slayers of the Bakumatsu at the landlady’s house.

“Akashi, I think this is really yesterday.”

Turning around I found Akashi crouched on the floor, hunched over in a frail little ball. “Sorry, I’m just feeling a bit sick…”

The ride in the time machine hadn’t exactly been what you would call smooth. The instant we had traveled through time had been accompanied with a strong sense of vertigo, as well as an unpleasant sensation like your insides were being scrambled. But I was perfectly fine, so it seemed that Akashi’s constitution was particularly ill-suited to time travel.

Taking my hand, she stood up just long enough to make it over and collapse on the sofa.

“Hurry…the remote control…”

Just a moment ago—by which I mean tomorrow—when the time machine arrived empty, faced with the imminent risk of the destruction of the entire universe, our course of action was clear. We would board the time machine and go back to yesterday, return the remote control so that it would get destroyed like it should, and take Ozu and the rest back to our time posthaste.

“Just fix it,” growled Jōgasaki, making no indication that he was going to get into the time machine, while Aijima merely sniffed and sneered.

“I’ll go too!” Tamura volunteered, but we politely turned his offer down. His presence would only make things even more complicated than they already were.

It was currently past 3, around the time when filming on Slayers of the Bakumatsu would be wrapping up. Before long the cast and crew would be returning to the apartment.

“Where is it where is it where is it?”

I searched the rooms and the corridor but the remote was nowhere to be seen. There was only one explanation I could think of: Ozu.

“We should go find it,” Akashi wheezed.

“No, you need to rest.”

“That won’t work. Everyone will be coming back…” As she tried to get up she retched again, and tears sprang to her eyes. I hauled the time machine over to the balcony, and covered it with a freshly dried futon. As I worked to camouflage it, I could hear the excited conversation of the students at the landlady’s house. The crew from the movie circle were striking the set.

When I came in from the balcony, I saw someone walking this way from the other end of the hall. He was dressed up as Saigo Takamori, and he was peering at me suspiciously.

“Huh. Didn’t know you dudes were already back here.”

It was past-Jōgasaki.

Knowing that a single movement, a single word could disrupt the timeline and plunge the universe into peril, I couldn’t afford to be careless with my response. Both Akashi and I froze and zipped our lips.

“You guys don’t look so good.”

“Everything’s under control,” I managed to reply. “Situation normal.”

“Whatever,” he muttered, shaking his head and heading towards room 209. He probably wanted to strip off that stifling costume as fast as possible. But no sooner had he set foot inside than the dripping Saigo Takamori impostor turned on his heel.

“The hell is this!” he thundered. “Gimme the remote!”

“Isn’t it in there?”

“Where? I don’t see it!”

“I don’t know what you mean…it must be there.”

“I’m not saying this just for the hell of it! You expecting me to change in a damn sauna?” Jōgasaki furiously reached inside his kimono and pulled out a towel. “Gimme the remote!” he demanded again. It was almost impressive how overbearing he could be. But the remote was nowhere to be found.

The more I dodged his questions, the more suspicious Jōgasaki became. “What are you doing here anyways?” he frowned. “Shouldn’t you still be breaking down the set?”

“We just had to take care of something here. We’ll be right back.”

“And when’d you have the time to change?”

“We didn’t change.”

“Yes you did!”

“You’re imagining it. You must be worn out after shooting all those scenes.”

“Nah, there’s nothing wrong with my eyes. You definitely changed!”

Suddenly Akashi stood up. “Don’t you think you’re being presumptive?” she asked angrily. The colour was back in her cheeks. “Whether I’m here or there, whether I’m changed or not changed, all of that is up to me. Why should I have to report every single thing I do to you? Just because you have seniority over me in the circle doesn’t give you the right to oversee every little thing I do on my own time. This is a clear invasion of my privacy, and I will not stand for it!”

“Th-th-that’s not what I meant,” stammered Jōgasaki, laying bare the cowardice that hid behind his macho facade. “I didn’t mean that, Akashi. Privacy’s all yours.”

“Then can you leave us alone?”

“I just want the AC remote, that’s all.”

“It’s right there. That’s what we’ve been telling you.”

“No, but…it’s…uh…” Jōgasaki shrank back and went quiet.

Past-Aijima came walking in. “Magnificent work today!” But once his eyes fell upon Akashi and me a look of great perplexity came to his face. “Hum? When did you two get here? Weren’t you still breaking down the set?”

If we kept dallying here, the us from the past would return. We needed to get out of here, even if it meant bulling our way through Jōgasaki and Aijima. Just as I was steeling myself for action, a deafening rock ‘n’ roll scream shook the hallway.

“Yeahhhhhhhh!!!”

Startled, we all turned around to see Hanuki standing fearlessly before us. Thrusting her fists into the sky she yelled, “Time machines rock!”

◯

Akashi and I went white, but Hanuki just shook and shimmied towards us. I could practically hear the spacetime continuum groaning underneath the strain.

“Y’all here? Gang’s all here?”

“What’s going on, Hanuki? You’re really feeling yourself today.”

“C’mon, Jōgasaki, how you gonna play it off so cool? You’re unbelievable. Can’t you taste it? Can’t you taste how mindblowing this experience is?”

“Taste what?”

“God, you’re such a stick in the mud. You gotta be more open with yourself!”

I realized that Hanuki was under a critical misapprehension. When she had boarded the time machine, she had left behind Jōgasaki, Aijima, Akashi, and me. Now she was surrounded by those same four faces. Hanuki thought that we had all come here from tomorrow in the time machine.

“You’re drunk, Hanuki,” I said.

“No way! Why would I be drunk?”

“That’s what a drunk would say.”

Akashi came over too and winked at Hanuki.

“Hanuki, why don’t we find somewhere for you to come down?”

“No, seriously, I’m not drunk…”

“Nope, you’re definitely wobbling. Come on.”

We frogmarched Hanuki away. Behind us I heard a bewildered Jōgasaki wonder out loud, “The hell was that about?”

In any case, it was fortunate that Hanuki’s feckless entrance had allowed us to escape a dangerous situation. When we reached the stairs, Hanuki shook us off. “What’s the big idea?”

“We could say the same to you,” I snapped. “The universe was almost destroyed back there.”

“What? What does that mean?”

Those were the Jōgasaki and Aijima from yesterday.”

“Really? They didn’t come in the time machine?”

“Akashi and I are the only ones who came after you. Couldn’t you tell anyways? Jōgasaki was still in his Saigo Takamori getup.”

“Oh, right. Hehe, my bad.”

“You’ve got to be more careful!”

“C’mon, it wasn’t that bad, was it?”

“The tiniest slip could end up destroying the universe!”

“There you go again. What does that even mean?”

We didn’t have time to sit down and explain everything. I asked her where Ozu was.

“He said he was going to stake out Oasis,” said Hanuki. “He’s trying to find the person who stole Higuchi’s shampoo yesterday. It’s so stupid, right?”

“Are they trying to destroy the universe?”

“Let’s go get them back,” Akashi said, standing up and leading the way down the staircase.

But at the landing she stopped. “Wait.”

The film crew had returned. We could hear chattering voices coming from the front door on the first floor. We turned and went back up the stairs, hiding in the bathroom by the stairs. We held our breaths next to the door, listening to the thumping footsteps of many people ascending the stairs.

I heard past-Akashi and me talking.

“You’re all going to Oasis?”

“That’s right. What about you?”

“After I’m done cleaning up I’m thinking of going to the used book fair.”

I did remember having this conversation after filming wrapped up. It was like having déjà vu, but it wasn’t. It was the real thing, again.

Putting her ear to the door, Akashi whispered, “Is that what I really sound like? My voice is so weird.”

“I don’t think it’s weird at all.”

“No, it’s definitely weird.” She seemed rather embarrassed.

Suddenly someone tried to enter the bathroom.

I immediately grabbed the doorknob and pushed myself up against the door.

On the other side of the door, I heard Ozu say, “I can’t get in the bathroom.”

Light footsteps approached. ”Have you broken the doorknob?”

“Of course not!” Ozu replied. Higuchi and Ozu both attempted to push the door open, so the three of us pushed back with all our might.

At last they gave up.

“Ah well, I guess I’ll just go at the bathhouse.”

“My good fellow, do you intend to go there in that white makeup?”

“Creepy, isn’t it? I think I’ve outdone myself this time. Imagine how creepy I’d look, twitching in Ol’ Sparky!”

“Indeed, none more creepy.”

“Let’s get going then, Master!”

“Hold, a moment. Fetch my Vidal Sassoon.”

Bringing an end to their astoundingly meaningless conversation, Higuchi and Ozu walked off.

I cracked the door open a sliver and made sure no one was nearby, before muttering, “Let’s go.”

Just before I descended the stairs, I glanced back down the hallway. The end of the hallway was as crowded as a subway platform. I glimpsed a figure leaning back against the wall. It was past-me, standing right before my very eyes. It was an unsettling yet novel experience. What would happen if I called out to my yesterday self? I kept staring, entranced, when suddenly past-me started to turn my way. I got out of sight just in the nick of time.

Down on the landing, Akashi turned and hissed, “Hurry up!”

I hastened down the stairs.

◯

It was just before four that we set out onto the sun-baked streets. The sinking sun cast out long, dark shadows from our feet, and cicadas trilled from the trees that lined the road.

It really was like déjà vu, I thought to myself. But without a doubt it was the real thing, again.

“So that was what happened,” Akashi said, nodding as she quickly strode along. “After I came back to the apartment after finishing cleanup, I thought something seemed strange about Jōgasaki. He was looking at me oddly, almost as if he was scared of me. But that mystery’s been solved. It was because he’d run into future-me.”

“So it all lines up?”

“I think so.”

But there was one other thing that baffled me, and that thing was Hanuki’s unprecedented adventure.

As we made our way to the bathhouse she regaled us with the details. After arriving here about an hour earlier in the time machine, she had split off from Higuchi and Ozu, and snuck onto the set of Slayers of the Bakumatsu.

“Time machines can be so useful, right?”

Scenes went through my head like a revolving paper lantern. I remembered how much fun Hanuki had had running around the set near the end of filming, giving Higuchi directions from behind the camera, helping fix Ozu’s white makeup, and handing out lukewarm Calpis to the worn-out crew. She’d even congratulated me for a job well done afterwards. Hanuki sounded so casual as she delivered this shocking revelation: the Hanuki at the set yesterday had been from the future!

“But it makes sense now, doesn’t it? Since I was at the set yesterday and all.”

She was right.

But did that make it right?

Oasis, the nearest bathhouse, was to the east of Shimogamo Izumigawa-chō, along Mikage Street in the residential neighborhood across the Takano River. It was the most stereotypical bathhouse you could imagine, from the shop curtains hanging at the entrance with the symbol for “bath”, to the front counter where the owner sat, to the large cubbies in the locker room. But just as I have repeated this sentence once again, our visit to this bathhouse was itself just another repetition. Soon Jōgasaki, Higuchi, Ozu, and myself would arrive here. We had to get future-Higuchi and future-Ozu out of here before they did.

But just as I was on the verge of pushing aside the curtain, I stopped. “Hanuki, you were here at Oasis yesterday, weren’t you?”

“You already asked me that. I told you, I never came here!” she answered, sounding fed up.

That was odd. I had definitely heard her voice coming from the women’s bath yesterday, calling out, “Higuchiii! Jogasakiii!”

Perhaps that had been future-Hanuki again?

If that was the case, things got a little trickier. We couldn’t just bring back Higuchi and Ozu. We needed Hanuki to go in and call out to our past-selves when they came in. Our only justification for that was, because that’s what happened yesterday.

Naturally, Hanuki made a face when I suggested this.

“Hell no! That just sounds like a pain!”

“But you were in there yesterday…”

“I wasn’t there! Jeez, how many times do I have to say it!”

It was precisely because she hadn’t gone in there yesterday that she had to go in today. Otherwise, things didn’t line up. I desperately tried to impress upon her the dangers of changing the past with a time machine. If things went south, both she and I, not to mention the entire universe, were at risk of vanishing completely. The fate of the universe rested on whether or not she decided to go into the bathhouse. With Akashi stepping in to help, a reluctant Hanuki finally nodded.

“Alright, alright!”

I explained to her how yesterday’s conversation in Oasis had gone, though I had my doubts whether she would say the lines exactly as they were.

“I memorized her lines,” said Akashi. “Don’t worry, I’ll go in with her.”

“I’m counting on you, Akashi.”

She nodded at me. “I’ll take care of it.”

We pushed aside the curtain and entered Oasis.

◯

The old man was dozing off at the counter as usual. He was almost always nodding off, so the bathhouse may as well have been unmanned.

I placed the entry fee on the counter and headed to the locker room. I’d seen everything in this room countless times since I moved into Shimogamo Yūsuisō: the wooden shelves of the ancient lockers; the fridge stocked with coffee milk and vegetable juice; the rattling electric fans; the dodgy, unreliable scale.

I called into the ominous darkness in the corner of the room. “Oi, Ozu! Whatcha doing here?”

The imp lounging in the massage chair let out a strange chattering shriek, opening its eyes wide. That massage chair had the strange effect of instantly making your body actually feel worse, and it along with Ol’ Sparky and Farmer Juice was known far and wide as one of the three interrogation devices here at Oasis. In all of Kyoto’s Sakyo Ward, Ozu, that ball of human misery, was probably the only person who would willingly inflict such masochistic pain upon himself.

“I see you’ve arrived,” he grinned, realizing who I was. “Welcome to yesterday! How was the ride?”

“Never mind that, where’s the remote?”

“Don’t you worry. I’ve got it right here, safe and sound.” He reached into his trouser pocket and pulled it out, reverently presenting it to me. The instant I took it from his hand relief washed over me, accompanied by a great wave of sorrow. This remote was supposed to be the magic wand that would open up a glorious future, and yet here I was, sending it off to its doom of my own accord. What else could you call this, if not a terrible tragedy?

“I’m going to put it back where it was.”

“Why!? We’ve just got it back!”

“Abusing the time machine risks destroying the entire universe. Don’t do anything else stupid and just come straight back to our own time. Where’s Higuchi?”

“He’s already on stakeout. In the bath.”

I crossed through the locker room and opened the glass door. Beneath the evening glow trailing through the skylights, Higuchi was sitting in a bath on the right side of the room. He flapped his hand at me lazily.

“Ah, my good fellow. You’ve joined as well.”

With that indefatigable air of unconcern, you’d never think that he was on stakeout. I pleaded with him to get out of the bath, but he only shook his head no.

“Then I’ll drag you out of there. Ozu, gimme a hand!” When I turned around, I had to stop myself from screaming. “What are you doing naked!?”

“So I can get in the bath, duh?”

“Did you not understand anything I just told you!?”

“We’re going to catch the scoundrel who stole the Master’s shampoo. Can’t let this time machine go to waste!”

Ozu elbowed me aside and got in the bath.

These two had to be plotting to destroy the universe. The clock on the wall of the locker room was pointing to 4:15. There were only five minutes remaining until our past-selves arrived at the bathhouse. Having no other option I deposited some coins at the front counter and grabbed a towel, then stripped off and got in the bath.

Looking around I didn’t see anyone else. That’s funny, I thought. Yesterday when we arrived at Oasis there had been three other customers. They’d all been facing away from the baths and had towels wrapped around their heads, taking their sweet time scrubbing themselves. I remembered them quite well because of how strange they had been. But here in the bathhouse there weren’t anyone else but us three.

I dragged Higuchi and Ozu out of the baths. “Wrap a towel around your head. Now!”

Sitting in a row under the showers along the wall, we fit those three men to a tee. That odd group I saw yesterday had been ourselves.

“Don’t let your past-selves notice you. The universe is at stake!”

“But we gotta catch the shampoo thief!”

“Quite so. The villain shall taste the hammer of wrath!”

“Look, Higuchi, I’ll just buy you a new one!”

“That is not the issue, my good fellow. This is a matter of justice!”

I heard voices on the other side of the glass door. Glancing over, I saw Jōgasaki depositing the entry fee on the counter. Behind him, our past-selves were entering the bathhouse.

“Here they come,” I said.

◯

Our past-selves eased themselves down into the spacious baths. Ozu started to hum “Where is Thumbkin”.

“Slayers of the Bakumatsu is shaping up pretty well, isn’t it?”

“Like hell it is,” Jōgasaki grunted.

You don’t like it, Jōgasaki?”

“No shit. You think I’d let a clunker like that one slide?”

“Akashi seemed pretty pleased with it.”

“Movies are fundamentally critiques of society, dude, you’ve gotta be serious about how you approach them. From the script I already knew it was gonna be all over the place. The second you think about adapting a script like that you’re already underestimating the Man. Far as I’m concerned, she’s just wasting her talent.”

“But it’s all just for fun anyways, isn’t it?”

“It’s people like you that are ruining art!”

“At any rate no one can fault my superb performance,” Higuchi interjected abruptly. “Dawn breaks over Japan!”

While this bathhouse conversation was repeating itself, the three of us listened in as we washed ourselves along the wall. What a load of crock, I thought, starting to get heated. Screw ruining art, screw dawn breaking over Japan. All of that was pointless if the universe was annihilated.

“My Vidal Sassoon still appears to be in the sink,” Higuchi said to my left, looking over his shoulder as he scrubbed away. The universe was in peril, and yet all he could think of was the shampoo thief.

“I’m begging you, Higuchi, don’t do anything unnecessary!”

“For what will it profit a man, if he gains a time machine, and loses his chance to use it?”

Here in the bathhouse, there were two copies each of Higuchi and Ozu and myself. Furthermore, they were all naked. If we couldn’t keep the existence of this pair of unholy trinities under wraps, our universe wouldn’t see another sunrise. In the adjoining women’s bath, Hanuki and Akashi were waiting to set things right. Surely the old man at the counter could never have dreamed that the fate of the universe would one day be hanging in the balance, right here in this bathhouse.

To my great horror, when past-Higuchi came out of the bath, he sat directly to future-Higuchi’s left and began to wash himself. And what was worse, the pair struck up an idle conversation.

“How excellent the bathhouse is in summer.”

“I most certainly agree.”

“And yet a visit in the winter is also excellent.”

“Another sentiment with which I must agree. How closely our minds align!”

I poked Higuchi in the side insistently, terrified at the prospect of the universe beginning to warp, but he didn’t react in the slightest. The two Higuchis were really hitting it off, even exchanging a handshake.

Past-Higuchi held out his Vidal Sassoon. “This is a most excellent shampoo. I recommend it with all my heart.”

“How very kind of you.”

Future-Higuchi took the shampoo and stared at it fondly. Past-Higuchi was leaning forward, patting his hairy legs. I almost felt my spirit leaving my body.

“Higuchiii! Jogasakiii!” crooned a sultry voice from over in the women’s bath.

Past-Higuchi looked up at the ceiling in surprise. “Hanuki? What a surprise.”

“I just thought I’d come here for a change of pace.” Hanuki’s carefree voice bounced around the room. “It’s so nice, isn’t it? Like, sophisticated.”

I only had a moment to appreciate Hanuki’s splendid acting. Seeing past-Higuchi begin to wash his hair, future-Higuchi also unwrapped the towel from his head and began to wash his hair as well. Once he washed off all the suds it would be plain as day that the two men were in fact the same person.

It was then that past-me stood up and began to make an exit.

“I’m going to head back. Got some things to take care of,” I heard him say.

“Leaving so soon?” Past-Ozu called. “You oughta take it a little easier, ya know?”

To my right, future-Ozu was listening in. “I thought it was kinda funny yesterday. Why’d you leave all of a sudden?”

“It was nothing. Just something I had to take care of.”

“Oh really?”

“I’ve been busy lately. Now stop asking!”

“A girl, eh?”

I jumped and turned towards him.

“X marks the spot!” he smirked, oozing out of the bath. “Now it makes sense. All I gotta do now is follow past-you.”

“Quit it!” I grabbed at him, but he slipped through my fingers and headed directly towards the locker room. Every instinct I had was screaming for me to follow him, but Higuchi was on the brink of being exposed. Not to mention, past-me was currently changing in the locker room.

As I pushed Higuchi’s head underneath the pounding shower and wrapped the towel around his head, I caught a glimpse of past-me hurrying out of the bathhouse. I grabbed Higuchi’s arm and crossed the room. But it was too late. Right as we reached the locker room Ozu leapt out towards the front entrance. Just before he pushed aside the curtain he turned around for the briefest of moments, grinning that unforgettable impish grin.

I stamped my foot in frustration.

“No need to be angry, my good fellow,” Higuchi addressed me.

“Whose fault do you think that is?”

“I say, no need to be angry. I shall come quietly.” He proudly showed me the bottle of Vidal Sassoon. “I decided to steal it before it was stolen. It lines up, does it not?”

He was right.

But did that make it right?

Higuchi’s shampoo had been stolen at the bathhouse. That was why he had come here in the time machine. But it turned out that the culprit had been none other than the Higuchi of the future. Higuchi stole Higuchi’s shampoo, so the affronted Higuchi had in turn stolen Higuchi’s shampoo. How exactly was I supposed to deal with this spacetime self-own?

Taking little heed of my bafflement, Higuchi calmly began to get dressed.

Confounded by the sheer dumbassery of it all, I stared up at the ceiling and took a deep breath.

“It’ll work out,” I muttered.

Higuchi was right: it all lined up. There was no point in fussing over it. I’d just try to never think of this matter ever again.

Hurriedly putting on my clothes, I approached the counter. The old man was sleeping as soundly as ever, a small mountain of coins piled in front of him.

“You there, Akashi?”

Akashi poked her head out from behind the partition. “Did everything work out?”

“Went off without a hitch.”

“Who was it that stole the shampoo?”

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“I’ll tell you later. More importantly—” I handed her the remote. “Turns out Ozu really did have it. Put it back where it originally was.”

“Aren’t you coming?”

“I’m going to catch Ozu. You head on back to the apartment and send Higuchi and Hanuki back to the future. Those two are too dangerous to leave alone.”

Akashi nodded, then frowned. “But what about Ozu?”

“Don’t worry: I know exactly where he’s going.”