Tales From the Terran Republic

Gaballelel awoke as the sun peeked in through her apartment’s window, and she stretched her plump Baleelan frame in her “bed” comprising of a huge “water trough” filled with an archaic toy known as “orbeez”.

Orbeez were awesome! If she ever made it home, she was totally patenting her “bed”.

As she oozed out of the “bed,” she scattered Orbeez across the floor.

She giggled as she scooped them up with her tendrils and tossed them into the trough as she made her morning tea.

Seriously, Orbeez were really fun!

She smelled one and made a face. It was getting pretty ripe. She really needed to figure out how to clean those little guys. She could afford to replace them, but it seemed so wasteful!

Speaking of little guys...

She opened up the mini-fridge in her bedroom, pulled out a lettuce leaf, and undulated to an aquarium where a large banana slug sat.

“Good morning, lover!” she cooed at it as she put in the leaf. It immediately started to scooch over and nibble on it.

She paused to marvel at how similar they looked. Funny thing, the galaxy.

Sipping her tea, she idly undulated over to her closet and opened it, revealing dozens of pretty outfits she had made or altered to suit her frame.

She picked the pink sparkly one. She got it at a “costume store”. It was supposed to be a fairy princess.

She absolutely loved the glowing animated holo-wings! She then selected a fun purple conical hat covered with stylized stars and crescent moon shapes, also obtained at that same wonderful establishment.

Finishing her tea, she paused to admire herself in the mirror. She looked pretty darn good!

One last thing…

She scooched over to the closet and grabbed her favorite parasol, a white satin one covered with red “hearts” (but they totally looked like human butts!)

That “costume store” was amazing! She rarely shopped anywhere else these days.

Fully dressed to impress, she threw open the door to her bedroom and undulated out into the living room.

Her roommate looked up at her and winced, angling her compound eyes away.

“Jesus, Gaba,” Girzzz-Xzu buzzed. “My photo receptors can’t handle this right now.”

“You like?”

“At least turn off the fucking holograms. I had a bad shift.”

“Long night?”

“Ugh. The longest. I fucking hate night shift.”

“So quit!” Gaballelel exclaimed happily. “Find something else!”

“Oh, just quit!” the insectoid buzzed in irritation. “Great idea, moron. It took me months to find a steady gig. Goddamn humans and their goddamn certificate… Like I don’t know how to do stuff...”

“You can stay here for free while you go to school! Then you can get a good job!”

“I’m not going to be a (bzz-click)!”

“It won’t be like that!” Gaballelel enthused. “You can help out around here and—“

“Like your servant?!?” Girzzz-Xzu buzzed angrily, “A fucking house-bug?”

“Not like that!” Gaballelel huffed. “Ok, how about we make it a loan? Keep track of rent and food and stuff, and then you can pay me back when you get that certificate and a real Terran job! Think of it as me making an investment in your lovable butt.”

“… You’d charge interest, right?”

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

“So it’s (bzzzz-pfltht) charity! I fucking knew it!”

“Fine!” Gaballelel sighed. “But you have to keep track of it. I suck at math. Just keep up with it, and whatever stupidly inflated number you come up with to moisturize your chapped blowhole will be nothing compared to your Terran paychecks!”

“… You’d do that for me?”

“Sure!” Gaballelel tooted. “Sistahs for life! You looked out for me. Now I can do the same for you! If anything, I’m paying you back!”

“Yeah, you are...” Girzzz-Xzu clicked thoughtfully.

“So you could just… maybe let me repay you? I’ll take your money if you want me to, but the way I see it, I owe you, big time. You took me in, kept me safe… fed me… And now that I am literally rolling in credits, I can do the same for you. What am I going to do with it all, buy another dress?”

“… I’m so tired...”

“Then rest,” Gaballelel cooed as she undulated over and hugged the insectoid who slumped into her embrace. “Just… rest… Let me do this for you.”

“Why?” Girzzz buzzed helplessly. “Why would you do this for me?”

“Why not!” Gaballelel tooted. “You’re really smart, smarter than I am. I know you can pass that certificate exam if you go to school.”

“Then… When I graduate...” Girzzz buzzed, “You could go to school?”

“Nah!” Gaballelel snorted, “I’m just a Baleel. Do you have any idea how tiny my brain is? It’s like a grape floating around up there! School would be wasted on me! Besides, I already have a great job! Do you have any idea how much I made yesterday?”

Girzzz tried not to make a disapproving click… and failed.

“Oh, you!” Gaballelel giggled, giving her a poke, “You are such a prude!”

“Am not!” Girzzz buzzed angrily.

“Ooo!” Gaballelel said, looking at her genuine mechanical watch (from some place called Switzerland), “I gotta scooch! I have a ten o’clock, and I want to check in with everyone, make sure they are ok.”

Gaballelel fished around in her little “Hi There, Kitten” purse and pulled out a wicked looking snub-nosed Vakesh-Hai-Raik Imperial Regent pulse pistol ($$$...$), checked the display, and put it back in the cheap, brightly colored plastic purse.

“Well… be careful...” Girzzz clicked anxiously.

“Oh, I will be!” Gaballelel enthused.

“I made some oatmeal,” Girzzz clicked. “There’s still plenty if you want some.”

“And ruin my ‘breakfast’?” Gaballelel giggled.

“Gross.”

***

“Thank you for using ‘Zipcar’! Have a… sparkly day!” the cheerful voice announced over the auto cab’s speaker as it arrived at The Drop of Oil.

“Thanks!” Gaballelel exclaimed. “It was lovely chatting with you!”

“You too!” the auto cab replied. “Um… Enjoy sucking those dicks?”

“I will!” Gaballelel tooted happily. “Have fun driving people around.”

“I do tend to enjoy it,” the cab replied. “You never know who is going to climb in.”

“I know exactly what you mean!” Gaballelel laughed.

“Ew.”

Laughing, Gaballelel switched on her holographic wings, the lights on her hat, and the animations on her parasol and undulated onto the sidewalk.

Damn, she looked good!

The cab paused briefly at the display before determining that there was, in fact, not an explosion and continued on its way.

Gaballelel looked around with a gurgle of pure delight.

The Careel were still around in their absolutely fabulous uniforms.

That was to be expected. They were hanging around for at least a couple of weeks.

The oh so delightful surprise was that there were humans wandering around dressed exactly like them!!! They had the same spiffy long coats, the same shiny buttons, and some of them even had those amazing triangle hats (she totally had to get one of those).

Unable to contain herself, she scooched as fast as she could towards one of the wonderfully dressed humans who was showing two Careel lancers a long “funny gun” exactly like they had.

“Why do you mess about with those trashy AKs when you have masterpieces like this!” a Careel lancer gushed as she fondled the rifle.

“I do use this for hunting,” the human said proudly. “And my grandfather used this exact piece during the Sol Wars to very good effect. But as a military force, we are primarily riflemen, and this beauty can’t compete with the sheer firepow—“

“OhMiGosh!” Gaballelel interjected. “You shop at the costume store too?!? I LOVE that place! Which one do you go to?”

“Historical Romance,” the extremely bemused human replied without missing a beat. “It’s where most of us reenactors get our gear. I love your outfit, by the way,” he added, trying to process the assault on his senses “standing” before him.

“Why, thank you!” Gaballelel beamed, “Reenactor?” Gaballelel asked, “What’s that?”

“A bunch of people who like to play dress up and run around in the woods reenacting historic battles and doing drills and stuff like that.”

“Can I play?” Gaballelel asked excitedly.

“I don’t see why not,” the man replied. “I would love to see you try to load a musket!”

He pulled out his phone.

“Beep me, and I’ll send you some info.”

Gaballelel happily pulled out her phone and pressed an icon. It linked with the gentleman’s phone and exchanged contact information with a “beep”.

He turned to the two Careels, who couldn’t conceal their amusement.

“They also make a lot of period weapons if you would like—“

“Oh, we would like!” one of the Careel females giggled. “We were wondering… You guys say you ‘maintain the old standards’. Does that mean you consider yourself an actual military-grade force?”

“We like to think so. We can match the historical record.”

“Think you and your friends could hold up to a real cavalry charge?” one of the Careel giggled with a twitch of her tail. “Winner on top?”

The human’s eyes shone with excitement.

“Are you proposing what I think—“

” YOU FUCKING INCEL!!!”

Craxina’s enraged voice echoed across The Drop of Oil.

“Isn’t that an oxymoron?” one of the Careel giggled.

”OUT!!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!”

The tent flap to Craxina’s office blew open as a Kalent bot staggered backward as a surprisingly large chair broke across its globe.

“Craxina!” Baxlon shouted, “You don’t understand.”

“Oh, I do understand!” Craxina shouted as she fetched about for something else to throw.

She found it.

“I understand perfectly!” she yelled as she hurled a piece of broken concrete at Baxlon. “Sheloran came to you for help, and you shit all over her! And now you want me to help you steal her business?!?”

Craxina dropped to all-eights and snarled, arching her back.

“Get… out...” she hissed. “And… don’t… come… back...”

“I understand you are upset,” Baxlon said uncertainly as he suddenly found himself surrounded by a LOT of angry faces. “I’ll talk to you later after you have had a chance to calm down.”

“Don’t… bother...” Craxina hissed. “We’re… done… Go...”

Bryce stepped out of the tent and knelt beside Craxina.

“Maybe… Maybe Baxlon has a good reason,” Bryce said cautiously. “Baxlon, why don’t you tell Craxina exactly why you want her to break ties with Sheloran.”

“I… I can’t...” Baxlon said quietly, “She might not be my client anymore, but I still won’t violate confidentiality.”

“Bryce, what the fuck?!?” Craxina said as she whirled to face him, foam starting to drip from her muzzle.

“Darling, Sheloran’s signature is on the form. Something clearly has happened… Baxlon, if you can’t tell us, maybe Sheloran can? Could you get us in touch with Sheloran? Maybe she could explain what is going on if you can’t… or won’t...”

“I… I can’t…” Baxlon stammered. “I mean, I’m no longer her lawyer. I can’t get through anymore than you can. I can only recommend contacting Tartarus.”

He knows where she is... Bryce thought to himself. Interesting...

“If you won’t help us, then as my dear Craxina has so eloquently put it, fuck off, you fucking incel.”

“Yeah!” Craxina snarled as her eyes smiled at Bryce.

“Go on! Get!” Craxina snarl-yipped as Baxlon slunk off to his grav-car.

“Sweetie, are you going to be ok?” Bryce asked as he nuzzled Craxina.

“Yeah, I’m ok,” she sighed as she melted into him. “That was just a nasty surprise, one more nasty surprise… I thought he was our friend.”

“Yeah, me too,” Bryce muttered into her ear. “Um, I gotta go check my messages, make a few phone calls… I’ll be right back.”

“Ok, sweetie,” Craxina smiled, already back to normal. “Geez, did I ever get mad. That’s happening a lot. Welp. I gotta go find a lawyer now anyhow. Go make those calls.”

Because these people are your “kids,” and you are becoming a Careel “mom”, Bryce thought with a smile as she returned to her tent.

His smile faded as the tent flap drew closed.

He pulled out his phone as he walked to a more private area.

“Bryce!” Tartarus exclaimed happily. “It’s good to hear from you. How have you been?”

“I have been quite well,” Bryce smiled. “And I have a lead on Sheloran’s location.”

“Oh, now that’s interesting!” Tartarus enthused. “I knew we kept you down there for a reason!”

“Exactly how disposable is one Baxlon, no last name?”

“Her lawyer?”

“Former lawyer. He knows her location and has no further utility to this operation.”

“Let me check,” Tartarus replied. “...Go ahead and buy some butter and lemon. You are cleared to grill yourself a fish. Just tidy up when you are done.”

“Whacha doin’?” Gaballelel asked from just a foot or two behind Bryce, who jumped despite himself. “Oops! You’re on the phone! That’s whatcha doin’! Sorry!”

“Um… I’ll have to call you back...” Bryce said as he quickly terminated the call.

“Well, aren’t you a quiet one,” Bryce smiled as he looked around to see if anyone was looking.

“Um… I guess?” Gaballelel smiled.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Bryce said with a warm but false smile. She got right up on top of him. That is not normal. “What are you doing out here?”

“Oh, I came to look for the neat bug I saw yesterday. I brought it a cracker!”

“Well, isn’t that nice,” Bryce said, radiating false warmth as he idly reached into his pocket.

Gaballelel smiled despite herself. He was so nice and … soft looking… She could totally see what Craxina saw in him.

Bryce looked at her intently. He sensed no duplicity, but she was so… alien… it could be that he couldn’t read her.

What did she overhear? This could be “problematic”. He didn’t like problematic.

Bryce pondered the options. This was his operation, after all.

He shrugged and decided to go with his gut, and his gut said that she was just a darling little slug who he just needed to keep a better eye out for, one that didn’t need to pay the price for his inattention.

“Well, let’s try to find that bug, shall we?” he said with a smile.

***

“Bye!” Gaballelel said happily as a human staggered, completely spent, from her tent.

Humans were so funny! The faces that they made were adorably hilarious!

A woman in a business suit (boring) approached.

A woman? She hadn’t done one of those before!

“Excuse me,” she said, “Ms. Gaba… Gaballe..lele?”

“Gaballelel,” she replied, “But you can just call me Gabby!”

“Thank you,” the woman smiled. “I have been hired to find you, Ms. Gabby?”

“You have?” Gaballelel asked dubiously.

“I have. A number of people are very concerned about you.”

“They are?!?”

“Yes,” the woman replied as she pulled out a phone. “Are you free?”

“Until 3:30,” Gaballelel replied with a smile.

***

“Gaballelel,” a strange Baleela said over the strange woman’s (who was a private detective, as it turned out) phone, “I am so happy to see that you are safe! We have been so worried!”

“Um… thanks?” Gaballelel replied, still VERY confused, “um, forgive me for being rude but exactly who are you?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the Baleela replied. “I am Councilor Karashel, your representative.”

“… Oh,” Gaballelel said in an unhappy tone.

Karashel blinked in surprise. That was unexpected.

“Before this gets too long, I’m not interested,” Gaballelel continued. “I’m NOT going to go to gun school or anything like that. The only thing I hate more than violence is school, and gun school is both of them. Count me out.”

“What?” Karashel asked, completely confused.

“Isn’t what this is about?” Gaballelel responded. “You want me to go to gun school or get you guns or something, right?”

“Um… no...” Karashel replied even more confused, “Why would you think I would want you to go to ‘gun school’?”

“Because about half of my friends have been hassled by their governments, who didn’t give a SHIT about them before, or even worse were HUNTING them, being all nice and wanting them to go to gun school, or find them an arms dealer, or some shit and I’m not interested.”

Karashel smiled to herself. That little tidbit was worth all the time and expense she had spent.

“Well, rest assured that I have no intention of sending you to ‘gun school’,” Karashel said with a smile.

“Oh, ok!” Gaballelel said with a relieved sigh, “I was afraid you were going to do one of those ‘for the good of your people’ spiels and try to make me feel bad.”

“I’m not that kind of Baleel,” Karashel said with a smirk, “And besides, what the hell would we do with a bunch of guns… We’re Baleel. We do things differently,” she added with a small half-smile.

“I know, right?” Gaballelel laughed, “Can you imagine a bunch of us with AKs? We wouldn’t even know which end to point where!”

“That’s because we don’t need such things,” Karashel smiled. “Human toys are for humans. Baleel hunt in a different fashion.”

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Karashel said dismissively, “Now, on to the real reason I called. I understand you have found yourself in a difficult position and have had to resort to some rather desperate measures. We do care about our people and, believe it or not, it is part of my job… well, my department’s job… to look out for people traveling abroad.”

“I tried going to the embassy, but they said they couldn’t help me.”

“Wouldn’t help you, dear,” Karashel said as her expression darkened. “I am going to have a little chat with them right after I get you sorted.”

“What do you mean?”

“Repatriation might be difficult,” Karashel said with a gentle smile. “The current influx of arms has the Federation Navy stopping and searching just about any Republic vessel they can catch. More importantly, any ship entering the Federation is not allowed to return to the Republic because of the plague. It’s a one-way trip for any ship and crew. I can’t find a single pilot willing to bring you home, but I can arrange for you to receive a stipend that will ensure that you can stop… doing whatever you are doing...”

“But I LOVE doing what I am doing! It’s amazing!”

“Wat.”

“I make SO much money, more than I have ever made, EVER!!!… I mean, look at my outfit!”

“Those are some incredible clothes,” Karashel said truthfully. Gaballelel looked amazing.

“Right?” Gaballelel enthused, “And you won’t BELIEVE how little I paid for all of this!… but that’s not the best part. Humans are incredible.”

“I’m truly afraid to ask,” Karashel said, bracing herself, “but exactly how are humans so incredible.”

“They taste amazing, their cum, I mean. It’s the best thing I have ever tasted! It’s loaded with electrolytes and so strong your throat slimes. It’s better than ooze snails! It’s better than jelk roe! It’s even better than bittersnot grubs! It’s… I mean, I’d pay for it, and I get it for free!!! I get it for better than free! They pay me to give it to me!!! They are lining up to do it too! I had to raise my rates again! I’m making thousands of credits a day now!… Thousands!… I don’t even know what to do with all of the money. I’m thinking about getting one of those investment people. Baxlon, our lawyer, was going to help me, but… I don’t think he’s coming back after what just happened.”

“What just happened?” Karashel asked, still trying to hang on to this conversation.

“Oh, Craxina just broke a chair over him. I don’t know what went down, but Craxina usually doesn’t break chairs over people. She’s nice.”

“Craxina?”

“She’s my boss!” Gaballelel exclaimed, “Well, she’s not my ‘boss’ like a pimp or anything. She just runs the place while the owner is in jail.”

“The owner is in Jail?!?”

“Yeah, she like killed a LOT of people,” Gaballelel replied, “She’s really nice, though... I mean... besides that. I hope she gets out of Tartarus soon.”

“Tartarus?!?” Karashel spluttered, frantically typing on her keyboard.

“She’ll probably get out, though,” Gaballelel said happily, “Everyone is saying so. And now that the Harkeen are g—“

“The Harkeen?!?”

“Yeah, but they are all dead now,” Gaballelel said in a matter-of-fact tone. “It was a mess! Harkeen everywhere!”

“Are you ok?!?”

“Oh yeah,” Gaballelel replied. “One of my clients let a bunch of us stay over at his place when it all went down. It was really nice! He had a swimming pool and everything! We came back once they cut down all of the Harkeen and cleaned up the neighborhood.”

“Cut them down?”

“Sheloran is really nice, but Craxina… Craxina is nice too, but do NOT try to hurt her girls. Craxina called in some of her people, and they took care of it. Sheloran’s now taking care of the Harkeen everywhere else… I think… Everyone is saying that it’s her, which is pretty neat because she is in Tartarus and all. I’m starting to think more goes on around here than girls and coffee.”

Karashel stared in horror at what her searches were turning up. That Sheloran character… eesh… She clicked on a blurred-out image of a recent attack on a Harkeen stronghold…

...and immediately regretted it.

“D-don’t worry!” Karashel spluttered. “I’m going to get you out of there!”

“Well, I’m not going!” Gaballelel said firmly.

“You can’t be serious!” Karashel exclaimed. “It’s not safe!”

“It was not safe,” Gaballelel replied. “Well, it’s probably still not safe, but it’s a lot safer thanks to Craxina and Sheloran. Humans are delicious, and I’m making a fortune! I think it’s worth a little bit of risk, don’t you think? You have a lot of nerve, leaving me out here on my own, and then once I figure everything out and am finally having fun and making money, now you want to save me? Thanks, but no thanks!”

Karashel smiled. Good to see that there were at least a few Baleel with “backbone” (not that they actually had bones).

“Well, I can’t make you stop doing what you are doing,” she said, “I can only offer you the option to be able to stop. If you don’t, that’s your business.”

“Well, it is my business, and business is gooooooood!”

“I just have to know,” Karashel smiled, “And I promised a human I would find out. How exactly are you and humans… you know… doing it?”

“Our airway is separate from our esophagus, and we don’t have a gag reflex,” Gaballelel giggled.

Karashel’s eyestalks twitched in confusion.

“How does that help?”

Gaballelel started to explain…

***

Karashel chuckled and shook her “head” as she terminated the call. Well, that’s one problem resolved today, and while Gaballelel didn’t want to get them guns, she was more than happy to hook them up with something actually valuable, the latest in Terran music videos! The “Bright-Pop” and “Sparkle-Pop” genres were favorites of their “adventurous” ex-pat and sounded like they might be fun.

Karashel snorted with amusement. Who would have thought that a Baleel would become a very popular Terran prostitute? This galaxy is getting weirder by the fucking day...

They taste that good? she wondered to herself. Better than bittersnot grubs?

She eyed the discarded pizza box she had kept as a souvenir.

“Nah,” she muttered to herself.

Her life was strange enough as it was.