Tales From the Terran Republic

Gavin Richardson looked out the window overlooking his crowded shop, shook his head, and smiled. He had thought that things would get tight with Janustec, his biggest customer, on the run, but he was the busiest he had ever been.

The lights flickered, and he winced.

It was almost too much of a good thing.

“Any word on a reactor?” he asked over his shoulder.

“You’re kidding, right?” a squat barrel of a woman smirked behind him. “Anything that can throw a spark is booked. I was able to find some portable buildings, though. We can get two dropped in tomorrow.”

“Grab them,” Gavin replied, “Though I don’t know how much good it will do without a bigger reactor. We can at least move the assembly workstations out there, give us some breathing room and storage space.”

A weathered old man poked his head into the office.

“Autofac is back up,” he said as he entered and poured himself a cup of coffee. “Just got back from Jasper’s. She was able to weld up the old shaft after all.”

“Thank God for that,” Gavin sighed in relief.

“She says that she’s slammed but that if you asked her nice, she would come by here this weekend and take a look at the old thing.”

“Exactly how nice are we talking?” Gavin asked dubiously.

“Very nice,” the old man chuckled and handed Gavin a tablet.

“Fuck,” Gavin grumbled as he looked at the number, “… fine, whatever… do it.”

“You know—“

“Drop it, Dad,” Gavin groaned.

“What?” the old man laughed, “She’s a beautiful woman… smart… and one of the best goddamn machinists in North America…”

“No.”

“And she likes you,” the woman said with a big smile. “She isn’t coming all the way down here on her day off for the money. She’s loaded. You’ve seen what she flies.”

“Not you too!” Gavin exclaimed. “Look, we’re just friends, ok?”

“Only because you can’t take a hint,” the woman laughed. “Oh, Gavin,” she said in a simpering voice. “Could you help me with this...” she crooned as she arched her back and bent over the table as Gavin’s father burst into laughter.

“Oh, Gavin,” the woman continued relentlessly. “This bolt-action is sooooo sexy...” she purred as she slid her hand back and forth suggestively.

“She didn’t say it like that!” Gavin bristled as his two tormentors laughed. “You have the wrong...”

He trailed off as he glared out of the window as a long bright green snake nervously slithered into the shop.

“What is he doing here?” Gavin growled and stomped out of the office.

***

“Stringbean!” the foreman exclaimed as he rushed up to Jeruzz, “You can’t be here!”

“Pleassseth!” Jeruzz lisped desperately, “I—“

“Goddammit, Jeruzz!” Gavin shouted as he jogged up to the terrified xeno. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I know I mesthed up,” Jeruzz said miserably as he looked at the ground. “I’m sthorry! I’m stho thorry!”

Jeruzz looked like he was about to cry.

Gavin sighed.

“It doesn’t matter how sorry you are. You are on disability,” Gavin said with no small amount of annoyance. “You can’t be coming over here! Their investigators will find out, and then where will you be? You need to go back home, right now, put your tail up, watch some Vidflix, and wait for your tongue to grow back.”

“It hasth!” Jeruzz exclaimed, “Thee?”

He opened his mouth and poked out a short ragged, raw “thing,” causing everyone to recoil in horror.

“Jesus, Stringbean!” the foreman winced.

“It even moveths!” Jeruzz said as he poked out the ragged stump and wiggled it back and forth.

“You don’t say,” Gavin smiled, “Let me see.”

Jeruzz eagerly scooched forward and extended what was left of his—

Pinch!

Jeruzz yelped as Gavin’s hand darted out and seized his “healed” tongue in his callused fingers.

Jeruzz’s eyes squeezed shut in pain.

“So, it’s fine?”

“Mmm hmm!” Jeruzz yelped.

“And this doesn’t hurt?”

“Nopeth!” Jeruzz exclaimed as moisture started to form at the edges of his eyelids.

“Go home,” Gavin said firmly as he released Jeruzz’s mangled tongue.

“Pleasth...” Jeruzz said quietly as drops of liquid streamed down his face and onto the concrete shop floor. “I’ll do anythingth! You don’th even haveth to pay meeeee.”

Gavin sighed heavily.

“Office. Now.”

“You’re firing meeeeeee?!?” Jeruzz bleated in a choked, terrified voice.

“Gah!” Gavin exclaimed. “How many times do I have to tell you… (sigh)…”

Gavin knelt down to look Jeruzz in the eyes.

“We were going to the office because I was going to be very ‘forthright’ in the discussion we were about to have, and I don’t like to yell at people in public… You’re really scared, aren’t you?”

Jeruzz nodded.

“Why?”

“It’sth becausthe I found outh thath people geth replathed when they are on disabilithy and—“

“And just where did you ‘learn’ that?” Gavin asked, raising his eyebrow.

“The interneth.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Gavin groaned. “Where did you go?”

“Stheenit. They sthaid—“

“Seenit?!?” Gavin exclaimed, “Wait... Did you post something?”

Jeruzz nodded.

“Where?”

“ThIFU…”

“Oh no,” Gavin groaned. “And what did they say?”

“They thaid that I wasss thupid and thath I sssshould be firedth… and thath I was untrainedth and unqualifiedth and thath you were going to ghosth me… and thath you didn’th have thoo hire me back because I didn’th have my certhificathe… and...”

“And you believed them?” Gavin asked angrily.

“I’m thorry!” Jeruzz winced.

“What have I told you about the internet?”

“Thath they are idiotsth.”

“So, who did you listen to?”

“Idiotsth?” Jeruzz asked hopefully.

“That’s right,” Gavin said as he patted Jeruzz’s head. “You listened to a bunch of fucking idiots on Seenit and then ran down here like a what?”

“An idioth?”

“Right again,” Gavin replied. “Yes, people can get fired because of workplace accidents, and contract workers, which you are not, sometimes get ghosted once they come off of disability, but there is usually a lot more to it than just one mistake… or it’s something simply unforgivable. You didn’t cut someone’s lock, show up wasted, steal from me, or anything like that. You just had a very unfortunate learning experience.”

Gavin narrowed his eyes at Jeruzz.

“Did you learn from it?”

Jeruzz nodded emphatically.

“What is the most important thing in this facility?” Gavin asked.

“Thafety...” Jeruzz lisped looking down.

“And what will a certain snake never touch again?”

“Lathesth...”

“And what else is not for snakes?”

“Drill pressesth...”

“And?”

“Angle grindersth...”

“How long until your tongue grows back?”

“A week!”

“Lying to me can get you fired, Jeruzz.”

Jeruzz dropped his head.

“A couple of monthsth...”

“You will be totally bugshit by then, won’t you?” Gavin sighed.

Jeruzz nodded miserably.

“And you said that you will do anything, right?”

“Yesth!” Jeruzz exclaimed.

Gavin recoiled, wiping the spittle from his face.

“...Thorry...” Jeruzz said sheepishly.

“Come with me,” Gavin said as a malevolent smile started to form.

***

“Linda,” Gavin said as he walked into the office, “I need you on the floor. Elan’s trying to make Dragunovs meet the Veetixian specs, and he’s stumped. Do your magic.”

“Love to,” Linda replied, not even looking up from a row of holo-screens, “but thanks to Danger Noodle, OSHA’s… Oh hey, Stringbean, didn’t see you there,” she added with a wince.

“And the danger noodle is here to clean up his mess, aren’t you, Jeruzz?” Gavin said as he laid his hand on Jeruzz’s head. “Linda, meet your replacement. The office bitch is dead. Long live the office bitch!”

“You can’t be serious,” Linda replied, “Gavin! It was an amputation! They are not happy.”

“Amputhathion?”

“The Republic doesn’t care if it will grow back,” Gavin said to Jeruzz. “You lost an ‘arm’ on my shop floor.”

He smiled at Linda.

“Jeruzz here won’t leave me alone and says he’ll do anything… Don’t worry, Linda, I’ll double-check his work.”

“But he doesn’t have a certificate,” Linda replied dubiously.

“Does that bullshit make sense even with one?”

“Good point,” Linda laughed as she hopped out of her chair. “Good luck… Danger Noodle.”

“Danger… Noodle?”

“You might have earned yourself a new nickname after the lathe incident,” Gavin laughed as Linda departed. “That is your desk, and this is the OSHA website. Get started.”

“Buth… I don’th know whath to do,” Jeruzz squeaked helplessly.

“Nobody does when they start,” Gavin chuckled. “See where it says ‘getting started’?”

“Yesth.”

“Well, click on that… and get started!” Gavin laughed.

“Buth… I canth… I donth have my certhificathe!”

“I don’t have one either, dude,” Gavin said as he settled into his chair. “Figure it out.”

“Buth...”

“Then go home and use this time to study like I told you to. Look, Jeruzz, I like you, and I think you have a lot of potential, but I am too busy to be able to babysit your ass right now. We are fucking slammed with orders, and I need everybody I can get. That includes you if you can handle it.”

Jeruzz gasped. Gavin needed him?

“Now, sit down and get to work.”

“Yesth, thir!!!”

Jeruzz moved the mouse with his tail and clicked on “getting started”.

Fear and anxiety were soon replaced with excitement. This was fun! The AI was so friendly and patient.

“Um, Gavin?” Jeruzz asked after awhile.

“Yeah?”

“Isth thish AI...”

“Alive?” Gavin asked.

Jeruzz nodded with big eyes.

“Nope,” Gavin replied. “They’ve checked. It’s just a really good AI. It’s hard to tell with that one sometimes.”

“Oh, ok.”

Gavin’s phone rang.

“What’s up?… Filling small-arms orders like everybody else…”

Gavin leaned back and put his feet on his desk.

“Nah, I’m already booked filling Black Dragon orders… Black Dragon? I like them. They are good to work with and have the inside line on the whole Fed market right now… Yeah, probably, but as long as it’s putting holes in Feds, I really don’t care who they are selling to, do you? Yeah, I can send them your info… Dude, the whole industry is crazy right now. If I knew anyone available, they would already be working for me… Later!”

“The whole industry is busthy?” Jeruzz asked.

“Even the war wasn’t like this, either of them.” Gavin responded, “We can sell every single piece we can make ten times over, and the markup is just plain stupid. Get that training module finished, and then give me a hand with these orders. We got guns to make!”

“Yes, Thir!” Jeruzz exclaimed happily.