Silent Confession

 Ch.5 – The first one to speak first loses

PUBLISHED ON 16 April 2022

         When Xin Yi went back he bumped into Zhou MuHui who had just come out, Zhou MuHui looked like he was in a hurry, and let out a sigh of relief after seeing him. 

         “I went to get water.”

         The water cup in Xin Yi’s hand was taken over, Zhou MuHui held the door to let him in, let out a hum.

         They were eating, Xin Yi and he sat facing each other, but he actually didn’t have an appetite, during this one meal he took many glances at Zhou MuHui, the meal was barely eaten. 

         “What’s wrong?”

         When Xin Yi took another glance at him, Zhou MuHui paused his chopsticks and caught him. Xin Yi’s hand was caught by him, yet couldn’t help but be distracted. 

         He was still thinking about what the girl told him back then, Xin Yi couldn’t really understand, the confusion swept over him like a roar of dust.

         He didn’t understand why Zhou MuHui wanted to divorce him.

         And also didn’t understand why Zhou MuHui wanted to leave.

         Furthermore, didn’t know…

         Why Zhou MuHui never told him anything, it was as if Xin Yi was an outsider, who only deserved to accept the outcome in the end without having any choice. 

         At this moment, the rain outside fell down with a loud bang, Xin Yi turned his head to look at it and was thinking, the weather forecast was right, it is really heavy rain. 

         The sky turned gray in an instant, he didn’t pay attention when the lightning struck down, the turbulent rain poured in the half-opened window, Xin Yi was dumbfounded, in the next second, someone walked toward him, then took him in an embrace. 

         Zhou MuHui hugged him and used his hand to cover his eyes, telling him, “Don’t be afraid.”

         Xin Yi wasn’t actually afraid, if they really wanted to talk about being afraid then it would be when he was a kid, because of his parents’ divorce, in S city, the most unendurable for Xin Yi was the rainy season, and for a very short time, he went through a period of a sad childhood. 

         But that period of time was very short, so short that it can be omitted, but Zhou MuHui seemed to take that to heart, and will always do his best to rush back home on rainy days. 

         Xin Yi could have explained it, but he had a feeling of dependence, so he said nothing on purpose, just like an ignorant kid, using a lie to get an adult’s love. 

         Maybe the rain was too heavy, maybe because he couldn’t see anything, so Xin Yi mustered his courage, under the man’s generous hand palm, called him.

         “Zhou MuHui…”

         The man let out a hum, and thought that he was still scared, outside, the rumbling sounds were not coming to a stop, the floor was wet with rainwater, Zhou MuHui carried him to the side of the window, made sure to block him well, and slowly closed the window.

         The sound was cut off a little bit, even the rumblings became dull, Xin Yi was leaning in Zhou MuHui’s embrace, pulled off his hand, and hugged his neck. 

         “I really love you.”

         He pressed close to Zhou MuHui’s ear and said in a small voice.

         “Zhou MuHui, do you love me?”

         If you love me, does that mean that everything I know is fake, then I can ask you one more time.

         Why do you want to divorce me. 

         The lightning was very aware and didn’t strike down, Xin Yi unscrupulously looked at him in the dark, looked at his calm face under the weak light, and his heart was more and more restless.

         Because until the end Zhou MuHui didn’t answer him, only carried him to the sofa, lowered his head, and kissed the middle of his forehead, Xin Yi’s eyes were a little red when the light got switched on, but he didn’t hide it, and just silently looked at Zhou MuHui.

         Xin Yi wasn’t a coward, he just lived in an ivory tower for too long, he was well-protected by his parents, so he was naive and warm just like a little kid. 

         All the bitterness and setback suffered were on Zhou MuHui’s, but Xin Yi still liked him, and was willing to take his own warm and bright love and offer it all to him without reservation. 

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         Xin Yi never doubted his love, because it wasn’t easy for them to get together, although his Zhou MuHui didn’t like to speak but was always very good to him. 

         But now, he is a little afraid.  

         Xin Yi didn’t know if his love was real, he believed that they didn’t have emotional issues, was that also real.

         “…”

         Xin Yi truly felt sad, this kind of feeling was slow, silent, a silent dull knife.

         Cutting him apart, making him so hurt that he almost couldn’t hold it. 

         “Don’t cry.”

         Zhou MuHui stiffened for a moment, crouched in front of him to catch his tears, his fingertips pressed to the corner of Xin Yi’s eyes, as if he could stop the other party’s tears just with his fingers, Zhou MuHui didn’t understand why he was suddenly so sad, was it because he didn’t reply him, but Zhou MuHui kissed him, if he didn’t like him why would he kiss him. 

         “…”

         “I am not crying.”

         Xin Yi sniffed, pushed him, and picked up the bowl in front of him. 

         “I am not a kid, I won’t easily cry.”

         But his tears still fell down, big drops and big drops of it fell into the rice,  Xin Yi stirred and stuffed the rice in his mouth, swallowing big mouthfuls of it, and leaned on one side to avoid Zhou MuHui. 

         “…”

         The lightning struck through the dark veil one after another, the dull sound of the rain hastily hitting the windows, made the light in the room, every now and then, look brighter in contrast, so Zhou MuHui could clearly see the glistening tears on Xin Yi’s face. 

         His body stiffened and moved after a long while. 

         The rice in his hand was taken by someone, Zhou MuHui held his breath and pressed his shoulder, Xin Yi had his head lowered and said nothing, and after a while, choked up and said, “Sorry…”

         He didn’t want to be useless like this, weeping endlessly like a kid, but he couldn’t hold it. 

         He liked Zhou MuHui very very much, liked him from when he was seventeen years old to twenty-two years old, Xin Yi only had him in his eyes over these five long years, Xin Yi couldn’t accept his departure and his unlove.

         His tears were like a plea, and Xin Yi suffered a crushing defeat. 

         “Why are you crying.”

         Zhou MuHui pressed him in his embrace, his voice was hoarse, “It’s raining, how come you’re also crying.” 

         The skin contact gave him some sense of comfort, Xin Yi grabbed his collar and let out a whimper, gritting his teeth, and said, “Because you, because you bullied me.”

         Zhou MuHui didn’t know what he was talking about, was it because he was not good at expressing himself, or was it because he wasn’t by the other party’s side for a long time, but Xin Yi didn’t continue to speak, Zhou MuHui was stiffly hugging him, he thought for a long time, and said, “love, alright?”

         The person in his embrace did not move, Zhou MuHui loosened one hand, and lowered his head to look at him. 

         His Xin Yi’s face was full of traces of tears and quietly fell asleep. 

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         It was probably the effects of the medicine granules, the kid was a bit drowsy since this morning, Zhou MuHui carefully looked at him, then washed a hand towel to wipe his tears, after that, Zhou MuHui crouched beside him and kissed his wrist, whispered, “(I) do love (you).” 

         Nobody accepted the repeating expression of love, the sound of Zhou MuHui’s voice died away, the scar on his cheek seemed to have lost its color, all alone across his face, after a long while, he gently lifted the kid’s hand, and just like Mao Mao at home, gently rubbing against him.

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        He was already at home when he woke up once again, on one side, Mao Mao was silently lying beside him, its belly slightly going up and down. Some light passed through the half-opened curtain, it was obviously already a second day, Xin Yi rubbed him, scuffed out in his slippers. 

        It was nine o’clock, but Xin Yi saw Zhou MuHui at home, he was dumbfounded, he stood at the entrance of the kitchen and didn’t make a move for half a day. 

        Zhou MuHui heard the sound of his footsteps, carrying out a bowl, and unnaturally explained, “I’ll send you later.” 

        His voice was a bit stiff, but Xin Yi hadn’t noticed it, he saw the man going to the living room, slowly following behind, and said, “I’ve gotten my handphone back.” 

        I can go by myself.

        Zhou MuHui let out a hum and didn’t say anything else, then after Xin Yi finished eating, he stood up as a matter of course and took his (XY) backpack in his hand, and waited for him at the door.

        Xin Yi pursed his lips and stretched his hand toward him.

        “Aren’t you busy, I’ll go by myself.”

        He pulled his backpack, but couldn’t make it budge, Zhou MuHui did not utter a word, and his hand hasn’t loosened any bit.

        As a result, Xin Yi was also stunned, he then opened his mouth in the next second, and repeated himself.

        “I’ll send you.”

        Xin Yi didn’t say anything else, his mind was still stuck on last night and the answer he hasn’t gotten after the rain, Xin Yi was a little sad, but he didn’t want to display it anymore. 

        The rain has stopped, and so has Xin Yi’s rain. 

        Zhou MuHui followed behind Xin Yi and left home, the smooth elevator door reflected the silhouettes of two people, obviously, one was before and the other behind, but the shadows were distorted and refracted the both of them pressed together.  

        Xin Yi looked at it for a while, then looked away.

        He used to think that he and Zhou MuHui were a match made in heaven, now that he paid attention to it, he noticed that it wasn’t necessarily the case. 

        Except for the outstanding family background, he was just an ordinary student, his grades were ordinary, his capabilities were also ordinary, all he was thinking about dating, he also loved to cry, both squeamish and crybaby, sometimes Zhou MuHui cannot even coax him happy.

        Who would like an idiot who was also childish, it’s not like Zhou MuHui was stupid. 

        “You are not going to work?”

        Xin Yi lowered his hand and asked in low spirits.

        Zhou MuHui had to go, had to deal with a lot of work, and had also to accompany Qi Fang who was getting popular, how could he also have the time to be around Xin Yi all day long. 

        It was obviously also like this before.

        Zhou MuHui shook his head negatively, “Not busy.”

        “…”

        Xin Yi let out a dull oh, and was hurt by his ‘not busy’.

        Zhou MuHui never stayed with him for two consecutive days, the man had an endless amount of work to do every day, Xin Yi didn’t want to take a wild guess, but the other party actually took the time to accompany him, was it because…he wanted to compensate a bit him before leaving. 

        It seemed like something had silently changed, the elevator’s door opened, Xin Yi walked in first, he became the one to look back at Zhou MuHui.

        He met Zhou MuHui when was seventeen, bystanders said that he was very fierce and did not dare to get close to him, the group of people was like shriveled up fake tigers, they were terrified like cats in front of the scarred man.

         Only Xin Yi was not afraid and went to find him again and again, rotating around him like a fartknocker, pestering him, sticking him, sneakily looking at him, and in the end, approached him while trembling, pulled the hem of his clothes, and said that he liked him. 

        He still remembers the other party’s expression, it showed some astonishment then his brows furrowed, and told him, “Don’t mess around.” 

        But Xin Yi still messed around for five years, asked for love, and confessed with difficulty, still throwing himself on after being rejected, like a fool who wouldn’t get hurt, offering his love again and again.