Silent Confession – Ch.17 – What to do, heartbroken just like that?

12-16 minutes 26.07.2022

           Xin Yi finally understood, he knew that there were people who liked men, people who liked women, he just focused on the fact that he liked Zhou MuHui, and forgot to consider the fact that Zhou MuHui would like him or not.

           “But, but…”

           Xin Yi couldn’t speak anymore, he stuttered and then went silent, and only anxiously looked at him, Zhou MuHui’s face was very ugly, especially under the reflection of the neon lamp, even making Xin Yi a bit afraid.

           After a long moment, Zhou MuHui left, but Xin Yi didn’t move for a long time. He didn’t know how to respond to the question that Zhou MuHui left, Xin Yi did so many exercises, and only realized that this was the most difficult question so far.

           Xin Yi did not eat when he went back home, even the homework was written mechanically, and toward the end, he couldn’t help but shed some tears, big drops of tears falling one after another, and were quickly wiped off by him, when it was time to sleep, he lied under the blanket to cry. Young people getting heartbreak is more important than the sky collapsing, moreover when he felt attached for two months, and did not even get to hold hands.

           When Xin Shao came, Xin Yi didn’t hide his sobs in time, it was just like he was a kid and the blanket got lifted, his mom let out a sigh, patted his back, asking him what was wrong.

           Xin Yi wiped his tears in a hurry, he still couldn’t help in the end, and sprawled on Xin Shao’s shoulder and told him that he had a heartbreak.

           “He said he is very busy…and doesn’t have the time to play with me.”

           “But I’m not playing.”

           It’s been years since Xin Yi cried like this, Xin Shao was distressed, and a bit puzzled.

           “Is she older than you?”

           The hand Xin Yi used to wipe his tears paused, and only noticed then that he let it slip.

           “He, he is busy with his studies…”

           Xin Yi explained while stuttering, Xin Shao was stunned, then wiped off his tears, and carefully said, “Xiao Yi, mom is not trying to stop you from being in a relationship, but you’re a third-year in high school, studies are also equally important, do you get what mom means?”

           Xin Yi sniffed, choked and lowered his head, “I’m studying well, last time I was ranked tenth…”

           Xin Shao sighed, and caressed the overcast shadow under his eyes, asking him in a whisper, “Lately, what time do you go to sleep?” 

           Xin Yi sneakily looked at him, and after a while he said in a small voice, “… two o’clock.”

           Because he went to find Zhou MuHui, but he couldn’t leave his homework, and could only work harder, but he was really not clever, no matter how he studied he couldn’t be the best.

           Xin Shao didn’t say anything, only rubbed his head, Xin Yi looked at him anxiously, even forgetting to wipe his tears.

           “Then lately do you go to find her in the evenings?”

           Xin Yi didn’t dare to lie, and whispered, “En.”

           “Really like (them)?”

           Xin Yi was stunned, and nodded very hard, “Like!”

           “…Then try again.” Xin Shao said, “She said you were playing, then you have to be more sincere, and let her see that you are being serious.”

           “But if she doesn’t like it, you can’t go to find her every night.”

           Xin Yi nodded ignorantly, not understanding why.

           “You are going to scare her.” Xin Shao looked at him gently, sighed, “Xiao Yi, we cannot hurt others, because of our love, she can also be scared.”

           Xin Yi understood, and nodded seriously.

           “Ok.”

           “Then, what should I do if he doesn’t like me?”

           After all, Zhou MuHui said… he doesn’t like men, Xin Yi felt wronged to death, this wasn’t something he could control, there was nothing he could do.

           Xin Shao wiped his tears for him, coaxing him, “Then change for another one, we are not short of people to like.”

           Xin Yi went to find Zhou MuHui half a month later, he was very scared when he went over, scared that Zhou MuHui changed his job, and also scared that Zhou MuHui would ignore him, but when he really saw Zhou MuHui, he couldn’t even speak, as if his eyes grew roots, and only knew to stare at the other party.

           “…”

           Zhou MuHui also saw him, but just turned around to leave just like before, the hands behind Xin Yi’s back were twisted together, until he counted to a hundred in his heart, did he anxiously walk over, and whispered, “Zhou MuHui…”

           He was a bit anxious, because Zhou MuHui didn’t speak the whole time, Xin Yi pursed his lips, then remembered that Xin Shao also said that Zhou MuHui could also feel scared, and hurriedly took two steps back.

           “Can I speak…?”

           After a while, Xin Yi asked in a small voice.

“… En.”

           Zhou MuHui replied to him this time, Xin Yi’s eyes turned bright, looked up and smiled at him.

           He was a bit anxious, and also a bit afraid, but still mustered up the courage to continue speaking.

           “I’ve carefully thought about what you said last time, is it because I am too young, that you think that I am not being serious?”

           “But I really am not playing around.” Xin Yi said, “I seriously seriously like you.”

           “As for the gender…” Xin Yi pursed his lips at a loss, and asked in a small voice, “Zhou MuHui, do you feel repulsed while looking at me?”

           Zhou MuHui turned around to look at him, and suddenly asked, “Wasn’t it one week?”

           “… Ah?”

           Xin Yi raised his head in confusion, and reacted half a beat later again, and explained hurriedly, “I, I was afraid you would dislike it, you would be busy.”

           He looked at Zhou MuHui at a loss but Zhou MuHui only furrowed his brow, turning around to leave.

           “Zhou MuHui!”

           Xin Yi was barring in front of him.

           Xin Yi’s heart was racing nonstop, he couldn’t guess why Zhou MuHui would ask him, maybe because he was too stupid, but Xin Yi really wanted to know the answer.

           “What do you mean?”

           “… Nothing.”

           Zhou MuHui said, “Move away, I’m about to get busy.”

           Xin Yi did not, he was in such a hurry that his tears were about to come out, “You liar, you obviously already clocked out!”

           He especially picked the time he was coming, precisely because he was afraid to disturb Zhou MuHui.

           Zhou MuHui paused, and called him, “ Xin Yi.”

           That was the second time that Zhou MuHui seriously called him like this, Xin Yi echoed with his voice carrying a sob, but he still barred in front of him, and even stretched out a hand.

           “Zhou MuHui, am I disgusting?”

           Xin Yi grabbed Zhou MuHui’s hand, and looked at him tearfully, “Are you going to shake me off?” 

           “If you really hate… really hate me…” Xin Yi raised his head to look at him, choked, and said, “Then I won’t come to find you, I don’t want you to be unhappy…”

           Zhou MuHui’s wrist was wet, he thought that was probably the sweat from Xin Yi’s palm, he was strangely quiet at that moment, because he couldn’t bring himself to say that he hated Xin Yi.

           He found Xin Yi annoying, because he didn’t know how to cope with people like Xin Yi, being sarcastic and ignoring him wasn’t like him. A little kid like this, chattering all day and circling around people, silently waiting for him in a corner when he was working, finding himself a place to do homework, he was even happier than him when he got off work, cheering here and there, smiling at him.

           He didn’t care about Zhou MuHui’s past, and also wasn’t scared of the scar on Zhou MuHui’s face, when Zhou MuHui scared him for the third time, he shook his head with his trembling hands, and told him that he wasn’t afraid.

           A Xin Yi like this, Zhou MuHui couldn’t bring himself to say he hated him.

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           “If you don’t speak then it means no…”

           Xin Yi sneakily took a step closer, wiping off at the speed of the light the tear that was threatening to fall, and smiled at him, “I asked you, don’t regret it.”

           “……”

           Zhou MuHui simply remained quiet until the end, ignoring him.

           “The results from my exams came out, I did not fall behind, but did not progress.”

           Zhou MuHui had to hurry to his next job, he just carried his backpack on his back following behind Zhou MuHui, stepping on his shadow and talking, “We have final exams next month, I will be going back an hour earlier than usual, Zhou MuHui, do you that I’m going to progress this time?”

           They walked into the alley, the dim yellow street light printed their shadows on the wall, Zhou MuHui quietly took a look at him, and saw that he was bouncing here and there behind, but did not answer him. 

           He cannot indulge himself, just like a moment ago, he obviously should have pushed away Xin Yi’s hand.

           How could he have compromised like this, he doesn’t even like this little kid.

           “Are you still working at that bar? Later I will leave once I’ve seen you go inside, I’ve told my mom, tonight I still have a text to learn by heart.”

           Zhou MuHui looked down, and took off the mask on his face.

           “You, why are you not wearing your mask again?”

           Xin Yi seemed like he wasn’t afraid of him anymore, sneakily moving closer, asking him in wonder.

           “They need it.”

           Zhou MuHui said.

           Zhou MuHui opened his mouth, but Xin Yi stopped speaking, he seemed to realize the reason, and stiffly stopped the conversation.

           “Afraid?” 

           Zhou MuHui suddenly stopped, turning around to ask him.

           Xin Yi was stunned, and shook his head.

           “Not afraid.”

           “Why?” Zhou MuHui lowered his head looking at him seriously, he was half a head taller than Xin Yi, but maybe because the little kid hadn’t finished growing, he was too small, Zhou MuHui thought, maybe only six or seventeen years old.

           He knew what was like, what was love.1

           It’s just the whim of a little brat.

           Xin Yi blinked, and carefully held his hand.

           “Your eyes are really pretty…” Xin Yi softened his voice, as if he was afraid to startle him, “Zhou MuHui, if one day you tell me why, then I will also tell you why.” 

           It was a reason beyond like and love, Xin Yi wasn’t afraid of Zhou MuHui, won’t be afraid even if he was fiercer.

           Zhou MuHui did not ask anymore, only quietly looking at him, as if contemplating. 

           “Zhou MuHui, can I come to find you tomorrow?”

           They almost reached their destination, Xin Yi quietly let go of him, and hide the hand he used to grab Zhou MuHui behind his back, looking up and smiling at him.

           Xin Yi’s mom said, liking somebody should not put them in a difficult position, but if Xin Yi asked for the other party’s opinion first, then he probably can come to see Zhou MuHui.

           “… As you like.”

           Zhou MuHui with his back facing him and walked toward the bar not far away. 

           Xin Yi cheered, carrying his backpack, and jumped.

           “Then I’ll get going, we’ll see each other tomorrow!”

           Zhou MuHui’s footsteps did not stop, and did not even answer him, but Xin Yi seemed to be very happy, even from afar his excited shout could be heard, calling his name.

           “Zhou MuHui! I am very good!”

           He shouted.

           Zhou MuHui’s hand that was gripping the door handle trembled.

           “You are also very good!”

           The little kid behind him was still laughing, Zhou MuHui lowered his head and looked at his right hand, pushing open the door.

           Like could bewitch someone’s eyes, take wrong as right, take ugly as beautiful, Zhou MuHui’s good and bad, nobody was clearer than he is. 

Notes:

Rhetorical question.

I am swamped with work. I thought it would get better but I don’t see the end of it, we had +80 studies to do, and they keep increasing every single day! I have to admit I am kinda repulsed by the thought of sitting at a computer for hours once I get home so I can only slowly work on the projects…