Mark of the Fool

“Well, Claygon, it seems like we’ll be here for the next twenty hours or so. And, ugh—if I could slap that Govert in his stupid, unsanitary face, I would.” Alex grimaced as he finished scrubbing years of grease, stains, and hardened batter from the kitchen’s central island and flung another dirty rag onto the growing pile. “I swear, that man never used a sliver of soap and water on this place. Not one sliver!”

‘We make…good progress.’ Claygon gently dipped his pair of mops—comically small in his enormous stone hands—into two buckets, continuing to mop the kitchen floor. ‘It is…too bad I can’t use fire. It would clean away all the old dirt quickly.’

“Yes, but with one big problem being that it’d also clean up everything else. Everything else meaning the floor, ceiling, walls…well, the whole bakery, really.” Alex shook his head at the basin of dirty water close by, then raised his hands, making a face at the dark gunk clinging to his gloves. ‘Ugh, I knew this should’ve been a Wizard’s Hands only job, but noooo Alex, you had to contribute so things would go faster.’

‘You…are making things go faster, father. It’s a good thing.’

“Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, buddy,” he said wryly, looking around at his army of Wizard’s Hands scrubbing away thick layers of grime that had built up on nearly every surface since Govert had inherited the bakery. “But if it’s all the same, in retrospect, I have a feeling that taking longer and keeping my hands—gloved or not—clean, would’ve been better.”

He ripped the gloves off, tossing them into a basin brimming with diluted sanitising cleanser: a formula usually used by alchemists for disinfecting equipment after working with particularly toxic substances.

His version contained double the usual concentration of alchemical cleaner.

In most cases, such a mixture was considered overzealous, even by Professor Jules’ standards. But, for this place? Alex was considering that maybe it wasn’t quite strong enough.

“Still, at least it finally looks like we’ve basically gotten the place sanitised!” He said, taking a deep breath of fresh air. “It does smell a lot better, that’s for sure.”

‘Father…you have Orb of Air over your head. I watched you cast it earlier.’

Alex froze. “Ah…yes, well that explains the pleasant scent. Forgot it then, and thanks buddy.”

‘You…are welcome.’

“Right, then.” Alex put his hands on his hips, his eyes going to a corner of the kitchen. “Looks like we’re about ready to begin setting up.”

There, in the corner, a pair of large boxes full of supplies—including his alchemy kit—and the precious aeld branch was leaning against the wall, waiting. It still glowed with a cheery, green-golden light, bubbling with excited curiosity at its new surroundings.

If it minded the occasional roach crawling through cracks in the floorboards, it showed no sign of it.

“I suppose the only bugs that’d put you off would be carpenter ants and the like,” Alex said thoughtfully. “Not much to fear from cockroaches when you’re a piece of magical wood. In any case, you just wait there for a moment, I’ll start working with you riiiiight after I eliminate the vermin.”

Alex cracked his knuckles, laughing evilly as bugs crawled along the ceiling, their wriggling antenna popping out of holes in the mortar.

‘May…this battle end in your quick victory, father,’ Claygon said.

“Oh, it will.” Alex spread his hands, joints popping ominously as his fingers flexed. “Oh, it will. Now, let the grand summoning begin!”

With those words echoing through the kitchen, Alex conjured an army just as he had when he was seeking the aeld tree with Gwyllain by his side. He cast spell after spell, quickly filling the kitchen with otherworldly summoned monsters, being very specific as to what kind of creatures he called to him. First, he brought Bubbles, and several other water elemental friends to the material world. In this case, ‘several’ meant a ‘good two dozen’. Next, he refreshed his mana with Hsieku’s technique, then cast Summon Elemental Beetle four times, calling a quartette of water elemental beetle swarms.

He cast Summon Viper-Devil repeatedly, conjuring a dozen of the hissing serpents from the hells. Lastly, he rounded out his summoned army by calling half a dozen air elementals to do his bidding.

“Phew, I love doing that,” he said, taking time for a stretch after his enthusiastic conjuring session. “It’s going to be loads better too when I build some of this magicinto the staff. No more bloody Mark shenanigans every time I want to cast a summoning spell. Anyway, time to get down to business!”

Clapping loudly, he drew the attention of his otherworldly horde.

“Might I have your attention, please!” He said in the common tongue, fully aware that few of his horde would understand it. Still, calling an army of summoned monsters to order did something for the ego.

‘Makes me feel a bit like a general, to be honest,’ he thought.

“Alright, friends, today we’re going to be going on a little vermin hunt. Well, less a hunt and more of a ‘vermin annihilation extravaganza’,” he said several times, switching through different otherworldly tongues. “This building is full, and I do mean full of creatures like that.”

He pointed to a cockroach running along the wall, drawing the attention of his magical minions to it. “As well as creatures like these.”

Alex went over to his satchel, retrieving and waving drawings at his summoned creatures: one was of a rat, and the other a bat. “And today, I want you to comb through every crack, gap, hole, and space, to get rid of every last one of these blighted bastards. I’ll give you the specifics of your missions now. Oh, by the Traveller, I love saying that.”

He clapped twice, turning to Bubbles and company. “My water elemental friends, you’re going to slip into holes and cracks in the walls, floors, and ceilings. I want you to find every rat and cockroach that you can—” He waved the drawings, pointing out bugs crawling on the bakery floor. “—gobble them up, suck every bit of water from them until they’re as dry as tinder, and then drop them in that bin over there.”

Alex pointed to a large, tin barrel by the door. “Sound good? I’ll give each of you lots of potions as a reward for helping. So, get ready to start when I say ‘go’.”

His water elementals bubbled with glee and he actually giggled, turning next to the Viper-devils.

“You, my friends,” he said, switching to a tongue of devils. “You’re going to be the seekers of our little operation. You’ve got senses and hunting instincts that make even demons and devils fear you. So, I want you to go and not only seek, but also have a feast. Find the little hideyholes that the water elementals miss and hunt for rats. Eat them, friends. Oh, and—”

He pointed to the floor.

“—you’ll find some really big rats down there. Give them a few bites, and a nice big dose of your venom and let them drop.”

The viper-devils looked at each other, then hissed in a way that reminded Alex of malicious laughter.

“Well that’s a sound that’ll live rent free in my nightmares.” He looked at the elemental beetles next. “You’re all on bug-duty too. Fly through every space you can fit in, hunt and kill every fly you see.” He pointed to flies already buzzing around his freshly cleaned kitchen. “Once they’re all cleared out, go up to the top of the building and drive out every bat there.” He waved the drawing of the bat for effect. “Alright? Alright.”

The beetles buzzed in affirmation, gathering together, ready to follow his command.

Lastly, he turned to his air elementals, speaking in one of their tongues. “You’re on bat duty too, my friends. I want you to go to the top of the building, find all of the leathery winged fellows roosting up there, and roust them. Suck them up, and throw them out of the windows. And don’t let them come back either.”

The air elementals made a whooshing sound, floating away like storm clouds racing through the sky.

“Right, you all have your orders, now.” He clapped his hands. “Go!”

With a cacophony of whooshing, bubbling, hissing and buzzing, his otherworldly army scattered throughout the bakery, hunting their prey with frightening zeal. He hadn’t blinked even once in the time it took his beetles to begin snapping flies from the air, turning them to paste with their grinding mandibles and swallowing them down. Some swooped at the walls, snatching roaches before they had a chance to skitter away.

Viper-devils shot along floorboards, diving between cracks, uncovering holes where rats hid in the darkness, or heading to the stairs, primed to set upon the larger prey below. Air elementals swarmed up the stairs in droves, seeking the colony of bats roosting there.

And Bubbles gathered his water elemental companions, leading them through gaps in the floorboards and walls. They flattened like disks, seeping into spaces and gaps like running water, disappearing beneath the floor and within the bakery’s walls.

Humming contentedly, Alex turned to his alchemy supplies as battle sounds not normally heard in a townhouse echoed through the building. Walls gurgled, mixed with frightened cries from cornered rats and their mouse cousins. Cockroaches skittered to and fro, desperately fleeing liquid death, and from thebasementpanicked dire rats shrieked as viper-devils fell on them.

“Must say it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than hiring labourers and rat-catchers,” he said cheerily, beginning to set up his workstation.

‘Father…I feel…left out.’ Claygon paused his mopping.

“Oh? What is it, buddy?” Alex asked. “You want to join in on the battle too, or something? I mean, I don’t think you’d fit in the walls.”

‘No…father…’ Claygon said, and Alex felt a shyness coming from his golem. ‘I mean…this building is being cleaned. But…well, me…’

Alex paused. “You want me to give you a polish, you mean?”

The golem shifted his weight back and forth shyly. “...yes.”

Alex chuckled. “Well, say no more, buddy. I’ll polish you right up! And after that, it’s time to get my staff-work started.”

‘...thank you, father.’ Claygon said, and Alex could feel a slight embarrassment coming from him.

‘Well, it’s official,’ Alex thought, fetching a soft, clean rag. ‘I have the most adorable golem in the whole city.’

“Alright, aeld tree branch? Check. Crafting tools? Check. Plant pot? Check. Crystallisation stabilising infusion? Check.” Alex looked at the kitchen island carefully as he strapped on his mask and adjusted his apron. “Alright, everything’s ready.”

He shuddered, recalling the monstrously large amounts of coin he’d spent on some of the ingredients laid out before him. Crafting a staff was no cheap task. Crafting a staff that could be activated through pure mana manipulation? Even more expensive. Crafting a staff that could be activated through pure mana manipulation, took advantage of aeld tree wood, and had a design that would let him add more magical abilities in the future?

Well, that had cost enough to buy a pair of small bakeries in this district.

“But it’ll be worth it,” he promised himself, flipping through his staff schematics. “It’ll definitely be worth it.”

He glanced at the aeld tree branch leaning against the island, bubbling with rising curiosity and wonder.

“Well, then, my friend.” Alex rubbed his gloved hands together. “We’re going to be making you into a magic staff today. But don’t worry, the process I’m going to use isn’t invasive. It’ll only work because—as far as I can tell—you’re made of living wood, so you’ll just need to use these…”

He picked up a set of ‘false roots’ that he’d bought at a magical plant store. “…to drink deeply of the liquid I’ll be brewing for you. That’s all there is to it. In return, you’re going to have a whole lot of magical power flowing through you. Sound fun?”

He felt a wave of warm curiosity drifting from the aeld tree branch.

“Brilliant. Then let’s get started, shall we?”