Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell

To the readers. This story can be crude, intense, and quite offensive to the deeply religious.

The wet-behind-the-ears kids that quit schools and the members of society that quit companies have something in common, they feel a great catharsis for a short period of time.

I did my best to enjoy that brief freedom, knowing it was a happiness that wouldn’t last long.

I went to the Han River and carelessly enjoyed the subtle sunlight of early autumn with some street food.

Even when the sky that was originally supposed to be blue, which was characteristic of autumn, turned yellow due to the excess of fine dust in the air, I moved without rest. I directed my body with a singular determination to enjoy everything I had never enjoyed before.

Next there, then somewhere else; I was already in my 30s, yet I wandered around as if I had returned to being a college freshman in my early 20s.

It’s basic to go to a coin-operated karaoke room and sing passionate songs that don’t work with one person, and then to a manga cafe that was already halfway unfashionable, to read old manga while inhaling some pork noodles.

Even after all that, there was still time left, so before the time came for office workers to leave work, I was moving to a pub.

It was a little early, but I was thinking of getting a cold draft beer plus some crispy and soft fried chicken. And I planned to wash away the hardships of the day by watching sports broadcasts on the TV hanging on the pub’s wall.

For those who are a bit addicted to alcohol, often the last stop would be a pub or a food stall after their second and third rounds.

My taste is always to drink in moderation, but when I entertained myself, I matched the drunkenness of drunkards with professionalism, tenacity, and a little craft.

Thanks to this, the owner of the pub, whom I’d gotten acquainted with, did not give me much of a glance even though I entered rather early in the evening.

Rather, he asked me a question as if it was strange seeing me not wearing a suit as usual, nor coming in with someone shoulder to shoulder.

“Representative Han, why are you all alone today? Judging by your outfit, it looks like you’ve been on vacation?”

“I quit my job. It’ll be difficult for me to raise your sales from now on.”

“Hey man, when did I discriminate against customers who didn’t raise my sales? It’s not a big deal, this is just a small local business anyway. But why did you suddenly quit your job?”

“There were people trying to save the company and there were people trying to destroy it, the second ones got me.”

“Ttttttt, that’s why you shouldn’t work under idiot superiors. I don’t know how great it would be to have someone like Representative Han working under me…”

“Even if you flatter me like that, I won’t work here.”

“You got me!”

At my joking reply, the pub owner grinned and patted his forehead.

On the outside, he looked like a sleazy neighbourhood guy, but he was actually a great master, a former hotel chef.

It was said that he got blacklisted in the industry after hitting a sous chef because he could not stand the culture and all the absurdities happening in the kitchen. So, instead of becoming a famous artisan chef, he used his know-how to open a pub.

Thanks to this, there were quite a few customers who came to enjoy the fantastic chicken and various side dishes made by a veritable master along with alcohol.

I was also familiar with the rumours about this place, so I used to use it as a place for entertainment and the last stop for my bar-hopping.

“This isn’t the same as usual?”

“You came alone this time, so I’ll just give you half. This beer is straight from the keg, pressed tight.”

“Who cares how tight it is? I’m going to make do with this until I’m ready for more.”

The boss indifferently placed the plate of snacks he’d brought with him in front of me.

It was not wrong to say that he had devoted himself to developing more and more appetizing snacks, so that customers would have no choice but to order more alcohol.

The surface of the small peanuts coated with sweet caramel was lightly sprinkled with a mildly salty secret recipe. Koreans who are obsessed with the balance of sweet and salt go crazy once they taste it.

Next to the peanuts, there was a biscuit that had little taste or smell but had a good crunchy texture, and small pieces of jerky were scattered around as if to decorate it.

This jerky was also made by the boss himself, so it was well-received among customers. After all, someone who has learned something professionally has the ability to make even the smallest things great.

If my life had indeed been sculpted by someone’s hand, that person must not have had a professional education in how to create a life.

“Here it is, your salt and savour with chicken, and draft beer.”

“I’ve always wondered, don’t you plan on changing the name of the menu?”

What is salt and savour with chicken, anyhow?

“It’s salty fried chicken with special mayo sauce, so it’s salt and savour with chicken!”

“At least call it salty mayo chicken!”

He’s an uncle with no naming sense, I guess.

Even though the name of the dish was a confused mess, I quickly poked the steaming chicken with a fork. Freshly fried boneless chicken invaded the mouth first, followed by the crunchy taste of radish.

I thought that pouring cool draft beer into my oily mouth would make my mind go numb, so without realizing it, I tightened my lower body.

Whenever I felt a touch of monotony, I just put the tender lean chicken meat along with the mayo sauce on top of a biscuit and gulped it down like a canape.

“Why do you look like you’ve been starving for three days? As if you’re lucky to have finally gotten something to eat.”

“Because I’m the type to relieve stress by eating and sleeping.”

On the other hand, there were no twists and turns in my life other than eating and sleeping.

Let’s get through the day well, let’s get through tomorrow the same way too. For now, let’s just eat, drink and sleep!

After attending a mental hospital for 3 years, I was already stuck into this bad lifestyle that couldn’t be fixed anymore, so I just got used to it.

“Those fucking bastards. It’s like they were excited to lose. The whole team struck out.”

“Hanwha[1] fans are already used to it, it’s not like this has been going on for just a day or two.”

“I wish they could win once or twice for the fans, even if it’s only for a day or two.”

As the boss said that, he was busy preparing for the rush of dinner time guests.

There are a lot of loyal customers in the neighbourhood who frequent here for their pub hops, so when this time comes, the seats start to fill up in earnest. I planned to eat and drink in moderation and then leave the seat free for the next guest.

At that time, a few men shoved through the door to come in. Because of that, the bell hanging on the door rang loudly, making the guests frown.

However, the men gave an impression as if they were the ones being bothered, and sat themselves around the widest six-seater table. There were only four people in the group.

“Hey, bossman. Two of your best dishes and four 500 draft beers.”

“… What do you think you’re doing in someone else’s shop?”

The boss rushed out, leaving the still frying chicken behind. He did look the part of the rumoured man who had beaten up a sous chef in that bloody hotel kitchen.

The newcomers all looked thick and wide like rice sticks, as if they’d lived all their lives eating rice balls. To say it in a good way, they looked like blue collar workers, and if you say it in a bad way, they looked like gangsters.

Unsurprisingly, as soon as the boss got bothered by their behaviour as they had wanted, the men started to clamour and make a fuss.

“Isn’t this a fucking business place? How could a boss treat his customers like this? When a customer comes in, you have to run to them, take their order, and bring them food!”

“Damn, you think it’s so easy to take other people’s money? You should have a conscience!”

“No, but is this gentleman deaf? Two of your best dishes and four 500 draft beers!!”

“Ttttttt, it’s not just that the boss doesn’t have a good personality, even the food here doesn’t look any good. What are you still standing around for? If you want to earn a penny, you have to treat your guests quickly!”

It was a very blatant, boring, and banal obstruction of business.

It’s a wonder that there were still bastards like these who openly obstructed businesses this way, because usually you could only see this kind of thing in out-of-date movies or dramas.

In the past, these rice stick types did take over stores and obstruct businesses like this, harming the owners. But now the laws have changed, and as long as you actively report them, the police take care of these cases.

However, the boss didn’t look like he was about to report the situation to the police. Instead, he was clenching his fists and shaking. Like I always did.

That’s not a situation when you’re just a moment away from erupting in anger, it’s when you’re forcing yourself to hold it back.

“No, fuck, did we ever smash this place or something? Or aren’t you taking any more customers? Just get us some draft beer with that fresh-looking chicken!”

“If it’s a crime to make some noise in a place of business, you’ll have to arrest all the people here for talking. So, you going to report us? Haha!”

“No, if you want to take it outside like a man and have a more direct conversation, we won’t stop you, but that’s not what we came here for.”

“That’s right. We’re just customers! Wouldn’t the boss have some bad odds if he did try it, though?”

The prologue wasn’t interesting, so I thought this business disruption episode was going to be a chaotic mess[2], but they were pretty good.

From their provocative behaviour, to the speech and tone that subtly offended people, yet never actually crossed the line of the law. Even if you call the police, things will only end with a simple warning.

‘Even if the law changes, these assholes will never change.’

I was almost done with the chicken, so I got up from my seat. I wanted to go home enjoying this restful feeling. A problem this small wouldn’t make the boss go on a killing spree.

I picked up an empty, very thick, very hard beer mug on my way towards the entrance.

Then, as I was passing by, I slugged one of the four on the back of his head, knocking him down, and then followed that up with a kick to the chest to another one sitting on the other side who was about to get up.

Then I rushed out of the pub and ran like crazy.

At least I’ve tied their feet up, so it’ll probably only be two out of the four chasing after me.

“Hey, you bastard!”

“Stay right there, you fucker!”

“If I catch you, you’re dead!”

“Catch that bastard! Catch him and kill him!!”

Apparently, the world doesn’t turn as easily as I thought it does.

I thought that the surprise attack went well, but surprisingly, all four of them ran out of the store and started chasing me.

I couldn’t go home like this, so I circled around the way. Crawling into narrow alleys, jumping over a wall high above my head, I desperately escaped their pursuit.

However, due to the difference in basic physical strength compared to those rice sticks, I got caught eventually.

“You bastard piece of shit! Didn’t I tell you that if you get caught, you’re done?!”

Taking a deep breath, the rice stick that had grabbed me suddenly threw a fist towards me.

Thanks to what little fighting experience I had from my school days, I somehow avoided it, but I still got hit and flew away by the subsequent kick from another of the rice sticks.

And what followed was an indiscriminate beating by all four of the rice sticks. It was one-sided violence, perpetrated without any possibility of avoidance or cessation.

“Die, you bastard!”

“Why is the hell did you hit somebody’s head without any reason?!”

“Turn him into porridge! It’s all self-defence anyway!”

“Who the fuck did this bastard think he was?!”

A dickless shit.

A parentless wretch.

A bastard who suffered from impulsion disorder since childhood and always got into trouble.

A good-for-nothing who became a pushover as a member of society because of his status as an orphan and a member of the lower classes.

Even when that fucking dead-end manager[3] insulted his family to his face, he couldn’t make a fist and came out after some tasteless words.

A high-end piece of shit who, for no good reason, butted heads with other customers at someone else’s business place, and then got chased out and beaten like a dog.

… Hahup.

The bizarre laughter that I heard amidst all the swearing and the beatings was definitely a chortle aimed at me.

How long are you going to live like that?

When you were a kid, did you fight believing that being a minor will shield you, and now that you’ve become an adult, did you suddenly turn into a coward?

There are people who curse your parents, who may have disappeared up to the sky or under the ground, but will you still just clench your fists every time?

Are you going to live out your whole life miserably, knowing what you are, believing that they are watching you still?

Wouldn’t it be better for the world if an asshole like you simply committed suicide? Lol![4]

Yes, assholes like me should commit suicide sooner rather than later. But before committing suicide, wouldn’t it be alright to make sure these shits accompany me?

“Iiiiiiii!”

I voiced a wordless scream and ran at them, clenching my fists, heedless of the sound of snapping bones.

Blood seeped into my eye, and yet I rushed at them half-blind without regard. When a fist flew at me, I blocked it with my face, and I returned it with a fist of my own in the same way.

Then, when I was kicked again and fell down on the roadside, the stones rolling all around were strangely striking.

They were out of reach, but I still reached out my hand desperately.

Then, a distant stone rolled over on its own and caught itself in my hand.

Gripping the stone, I once again swung at the rushing bastards. For the first time, I heard the sound of something breaking from somebody other than myself.

What fun!

I am so happy that this misfortune, this pain, and this desperation are not solely mine, but apply to others as well!

Yes, you should know this too. You need to get an idea of how I feel about living this fucking life.

There is some idiom, that says to put yourself in someone else’s shoes[5], right? Let’s switch positions and try it once!

Puk! Puk! Puk! Puk!

“Uhhh… someone… get this bastard…”

Smash, crush, slap, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush.

Even when there was nothing left to break, I just kept swinging the stone frantically. Finally, when the stone couldn’t stand it and broke, I swung my fist with its broken finger bones.

How much time did pass?

I, who had imparted the same fate of becoming porridge to the four rice sticks which they had wanted to do to me, stood firm.

I, who had never been the ultimate victor in anything, trembled at the overflowing exaltation and pleasure.

I’ve never done drugs before, but maybe this is how that feels?

The blood and flesh scattered on the street smells even fresher than the bathroom air freshener.

I am grateful to be alive right now, for the first time in my life!

… Hahup.

Editor’s Notes:

[1] Hanwha Eagles are a professional baseball club in South Korea, part of the KBO League.

[2] 중구난방 meaning you cannot block the mouths of a crowd, everybody have their own opinion, they do not cohere, etc. See Namu Wiki.

[3] 만년과장 (lit. thousand-year manager) meaning he hasn’t been promoted in forever.

[4] 깔깔깔 has this kind of meaning, basically laughing out loud.

[5] 역지사지 is the Korean saying.