I Refuse To Be A Flower

Chapter 2

She opened her eyes to the morning sun.

The haze covering her vision gradually cleared up, and a blurry pattern came into her sight.

It was the ceiling.

“Huh?”

Pamela, who was in a hurry, felt something different from her usual self. Frowning with a sense of alienation, she seized her mind, thinking that she should look at the situation now.

“Here is….”

Along with the familiar ceiling, the familiar interior of the room stood out. It made Pamela thought that she was still dreaming.

Because this was her old room.

The room was where the young Pamela had lived a long time ago.

“Why am I here? Is this a dream?”

Pamela rose from her bed.

She thought it was a dream, but the coldness of the floor touching the soles of her feet and the old bed’s creaks were all so realistic.

She looked back at the space that perfectly matched the old room in her memory.

The dolls she used to play with, and the furniture was all the same.

She roamed the room dazedly when her toes accidentally hit one of the chair’s legs placed in front of the dressing table.

“If this is a dream, why does it hurts?”

“I’m feeling a little weird… kyaa!”

She closed her mouth in astonishment, but the sound that had already burst out of her mouth was inevitable. In the mirror, she was looking at herself with a frightened expression.

Her long wisps of red that gleamed capturing the light at the right angle. The beautiful pair of purple eyes framed by long gorgeous lashes stared back at her.

On the contrary, her face was still full of vigour, and the look in her eyes that went austere overtime was still pure.

Also, her body, which had an hourglass curve, had dwarfed, she was now even shorter than average.

Something incredible just happened.

It was the very image of her when she was younger.

“What is happening…”

Her shaky eyes widened at the sound of incoming footsteps.

The creaks and steps’ had just confirmed her suspicion. There’s indeed a person climbing the stairs.

Her heart was beating louder and louder as the sound of the footsteps closed in. The tightly shut door slowly screeched open.

“Pamela! What are you waiting for? Don’t say you forget it.”

“Mo-mother?”

Her mother, who passed away a few years ago, stood in front of Pamela.

And she’s younger than the last time she saw her!

“Mother, how…are you alive?”

“What are you talking about?”

The woman, who yelled at Pamela’s words, grunted and approached her. Pamela, who stared at her, stiffened. The woman gripped her shoulder harshly as Pamela let out an involuntary wince.

“No, that’s not it. My mother is clearly…”

She passed away last year.

“You must be half asleep. Wake up and get ready!
The carriage will arrive soon!”

“Where am I going?”

“Where do you think you’re going? Of course, to the convent!”

…the convent, she had been there ten years ago.

Her mother pushed her face right next to her and whispered as if she were saying classified information.

“When you enter a convent, remember to behave yourself.”

Pamela nodded at her mother’s words.

She had already been to the convent ten years ago, though.

‘No way…’

Pamela was horrified at the thought that passed through her head.

She quickly prepared herself. Unfortunately, her quick-tempered mother didn’t give her enough time.

Her mother’s sharp fingernails crushed her tender skin.

The sudden pain made Pamela frown. At this rate, the nail would wound her skin. However, her mother ignored her pained expression and put both of her hands on her shoulders instead.

“You know what it means to be there, don’t you?”

“……”

These words… were clearly what her mother said to her ten years ago. It’s the exact same.

It was not the time to worry about the pain in her shoulder.

This room, her youthful figure in the mirror, her mother, was not a dream, but a reality.

Before returning to the past, this kind of old carriage was so uncomfortable because she always used those luxurious carriages.

I realised how luxurious my lifestyle had been.

Pamela was now on her godfather’s* carriage, Harman himself. As soon as her mother finished preparing, she climbed onto her godfather’s wagon, waiting outside.

TL Note: In both religious and civil views, a godparent/godfather tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child’s upbringing and personal development, to offer mentorship or claim legal guardianship of the child if anything should happen to the parents.

The godfather’s carriage was old, but the cushion was decent. She thought it’s too shabby since she used to ride the luxurious ones.

Anyway, it’s pretty good for a commoner.

“Why are you so quiet, Pamela?”

“Hohoho.”

With her mother’s words, the godfather, Harman, laughed.

He was donning a black suit. The small buttons holding the garment was about to pop off. Pamela couldn’t help but keep looking at his crooked hat, nearly falling from the carriage’s shaking.

Of course, she tried to look away because it was rude for Pamela, a young woman, to stared at an adult man like that.

She got more pressing matters to think about right now than the old man’s crooked hat.

Her mother’s words and her young self, as well as the things that happened on her way to the convent, were consistent with what had happened ten years ago.

She looked down to her forearms. They were swelling from her incessant pinching.

How did this happen? The reason was not apparent.

Come to think of it, when she was floating in a black space after she died, she heard a voice in the air.

Is this it? The moment you regretted most.

What was that voice?

God?

Do you mean God took pity on her and sent her back?

If God sent her back, why ten years ago?

“Pamela? What are you doing! Come on, say thank you!”

“Yes?”

Her mother, who was in conversation with the man, turned her eyes toward Pamela.

“Hurry, say thank you.”

“Oh, yes, thank you, sir.”

Pamela thanked the godfather with a smile around her mouth. Then with the rattling of the carriage, the man, who was sitting opposite her, was also smiling haughtily.

“Hoho, Viscount. Please forgive me, Pamela is a bit nervous.”

“It’s all right. It’s understandable. Isn’t it the first time Pamela lives on her own?”

Fortunately, it seemed that Harman had already fallen for her mother’s smile.

Unfortunately, Pamela had to go back to her horrible convent life.

Ten years ago, when she was seventeen, her mother pleaded the godfather to send her to a convent.

The convent was open to aristocrats and wealthy households, but ‘commoners” children could also go in.

“You should go and study hard right, Pamela?”

“Yes, godfather.”

Unlike academies, where many people could attend, there was only a limited space in the convent.

In the convent, we would learn skills that fit womanly virtues such as sewing and gardening[a].

Still, the situation is much better than others who can’t even learn how to read and write.

“When you leave the convent, you will be a great lady. There will be a lot of suitors asking for your hand in marriage.”

Every woman who left the convent was very decent and well-mannered, making them even more popular in the marriage trade.

Her mother wanted her to be a wealthy commoner’s wife, and if she’s lucky, she could also enter the aristocracy with titles.

Mother called on the godfather because of that.

To made Pamela into a better ‘product’ to sell.4

That’s the only way for a commoner mother and daughter to rise in status.

“It’s all thanks to you. You accepted this difficult favour. Thank you very much.”

The mother held the hand of the godfather with a gentle touch, bringing the godfather’s hand to her lips.

Mother’s behaviour was a reward to the godfather who succeeded in sending her daughter to the convent.

“Hoho, Rachel. How can I ignore your request?”

The godfather, who was touching his red ear, faced her mother, and like a snake, moved his palms slowly, feeling her mother’s back.

His smile lit up even further by her mother’s coquettish smile.

Others would have had goosebumps all over their body, but her skilled mother’s cheek blushed as if she was shy.

“It’s because of the favour, but I have high expectations for you too, Pamela.”

And as expected, the godfather’s gaze shifted rapidly from mother to Pamela.

He seized her up and down.

“You are already seventeen. You look more and more like Rachel.”

The hand of the godfather, who was holding his mother, moved to Pamela’s side. As the sweaty palms swept her back and her hand, Pamela tried to swallow her disgust.2

Slowly, the godfather’s hand climbed up her arm and soon wrapped her shoulders.

She preferred to be pierced by her mother’s fingernails than to watch their interactions.

“You’re so beautiful.”

He put his sticky hands and stroked Pamela’s face, soon he grazed at her neckline with his short, chubby fingers.4

Pamela looked sideways at her mother’s glance.

The unpleasant feeling that she had forgotten resurfaced.

“Godfather, would you please take your hands off me? It’s sweaty.”

“What?”

Pamela struck his hand.

The man’s face hardened at her sudden action. Her mother’s face darkened as well, seeing her ridiculous behaviour.

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“Thank you for sending me to the convent, but that doesn’t mean you can touch me without permission.”