Episode 69 – What it takes to change

I said I would try to believe in senpai, but now I am no better than a baby bird abandoned by its parents.

I am now frightened by the stares that I did not feel when I was with senpai.
Everyone is looking at me.

I wish I could have stayed with Senpai for just a little while longer. ……

I sighed, knowing that I couldn’t do that with Senpai, who was in a different classroom and a different grade level.

But I made up my mind. I decided to live my life the way I wanted to, just like senpai told me to.
Senpai. Please lend me your strength.

I squeezed the key chain of a cat, different from the bear key chain on my bag.

Then I walked into the classroom and called out to the students who looked at me with surprise.

“Good morning.”
“E……?G-good morning.”

They looked at me as if to say, “Who is this person?”
That was interesting.

Then I reached my seat and took my seat as if nothing had happened.
I felt more stares and groans from the people around me.

Really, I wonder if it’s okay to be like this …….

Although I knew this, I felt uneasy when she reacted in this way.
I knew that even dressed like this, I would still be alone at school. It is also my fault for not having made friends since I entered the school.

Well, one of the reasons is that I was soon bullied by Miyano-san and the others.

senpai showed me the way when I didn’t know myself.
I don’t know how this will turn out, but I am sure that in Senpai’s opinion…

“Who are you?”
“It’s jimitani’s seat though…”
“Eh? A transfer student?”

The usual three students were sitting in my seat, looking at me with a dubious expression on their faces.
I laughed a little because it was kind of funny.

“Ha? What’s funny?”
“No, it’s nothing. It’s me, Miyano-san.”
“Haa? I don’t know what you mean. Who are you?”
“It’s me. I’m Mitani.”
“Mitani ……Haa?”
“Eh, Jimitani??”
“No way…….”

The three of them showed their surprise in a way that was easy to understand. The other students in the classroom seemed to be the same way, and there seemed to be no proof that the usually plainly dressed Yuyuko Mitani, here I am now, is the same person.

“The chime will be ringing soon, right?”
“…….Tch”

When I gave them a little advice, perhaps because they had lost their usual tone, they lightly clicked their tongues and Miyano-san and the others left.
　
…… feels good.
After all, if I do as I please, I will naturally feel more confident.
What senpai said was not wrong.

If it was so easy to turn them away, why didn’t I do it from the beginning?
Now, I sigh.

But if that would have solved everything, I wouldn’t have bothered from the beginning.

At recess, my classmates came to talk to me, confused by my change.
Most of them were boys, but I was happy to see that girls were also talking to me, albeit in a reserved way.
One girl in particular, sitting next to me, repeatedly said I was “cute” when she saw how different I was.

I was impressed by the way Miyano-san and the others looked at me somewhat uncomfortably.

Then it was lunchtime.

“Hey, you.”

They came.

It was as if I knew what they were going to say.

Miyano-san and the usual trio surrounded my desk as soon as lunch break began.
They didn’t speak to me until lunchtime, probably because the rest of my classmates were talking to me.

“Come here for a minute.”

They spoke to me in their usual high-handed manner, saying whether or not I wanted to talk to them.

The kids who had been talking to me until the previous recess suddenly fell silent.
Although I was able to talk to them a little more, I hadn’t yet established that deep of a relationship with them.
So, it was somewhat easier than when I was abandoned by the girls I used to be close with.

“Mitani san, ……!”
“……!”

But then, only the girl next to me called out to me in a concerned tone.
I was happy to hear that and smiled at her, telling her that I was fine.

Seeing this, the girls were in an even worse mood, and when I followed them, I found myself in the back of the gymnasium, where no one was around.

What a goofy turn of events. ……

“Tsk.”
“What are you laughing at?”

Unexpectedly, I giggled at the scene as if I had seen it in a comic book, and that irritated Miyano-san and the others again.

“I’m sorry. I have no other intention.”
“”……””

I was not sure if they also felt somewhat uncomfortable with the fact that I did not use honorifics, but they became silent.

“You, you’re really getting into it, aren’t you?”
“Don’t you think you should be …… more respectful of your status?”
“Aren’t you getting all worked up because people around you praise you so much?”

I’m afraid. What they said was right. I was bluffing. I was desperate to regain the confidence I had lost by changing my appearance.

But in reality, I believed the words of senpai, and although I had come this far, when the time came to face the girls alone, fear overcame me.

Still…

“So what? I’m just doing what I want to do. Leave me alone!”
“Haa?”

Still, if I don’t change here, nothing will change.

The girls’ eyes widen again at my rebuttal.
However,

“…… Kya!”

I was pushed by Miyano-san and slammed myself against the wall.

“Don’t get carried away! Jimitani!”
“…..!”

I was then reared up and got dirt on my uniform.
My feet are bleeding, as if I had chafed them at that time. It hurts.

“……What did I do?”

I hid it and stared at her with desperate resistance.
I wanted to at least ask her why.

“Nothing. Usually, a gloomy person like you reduces the tension, don’t you think? That’s all. This boring school life must be stressful for you.”

But what I got back were words I didn’t understand.
She just doesn’t like me, so she uses me as an outlet for her displeasure.

It’s the same with this person and those who slander me on the Internet.
I realized that it is useless to deal with them.

I am fed up.

“I’m sick of it!”
“So, Just–“
“Are you sure?”
“Ha?”

I make up my mind.
As I put my hands in my pockets, I remembered what I had said to Senpai that day at home.

◇

“‘I-is that …… what I should do?”
“Well, let’s see. Then…”

He thought for a moment and then opened his mouth.

“Mitani san, don’t bother to dress soberly, just be natural.”
“Eh?”
“I don’t mean to be blunt, but I think you look prettier now.”
“N-no, …..C-cute……”

I was embarrassed to be told such words in front of him.

“But what does that make me?”
“What you lack, Mitani-san, is self-confidence.”
“Confidence. ……”
“Yes, confidence. Now that you’ve made it as a Vtuber, your confidence has been shaken by the past and you’ve lost confidence.
“……”
“And what’s causing it is that I’m being bullied at school right now.”

Senpai is right.
What is making me unsure of myself now is the bullying I used to have. And it is the bullying now that is reminding me of that.
It has begun to interfere with my stream because I am so concerned about how I am being viewed.

I am disturbed by casual fan comments and by slanderous remarks that I never used to pay attention to.
Because of this, I am not sure if this is what I really want to do.

“But that doesn’t make the bullying go away. …… It just makes them think that I’m getting on …… too much.”
“I suppose.”
“….What do you mean? Are you teasing me?”

I felt as if senpai was being irresponsible, and I was a little miffed.

“If you’re going to be teased for dressing like you are now anyway, wouldn’t it be better to be natural?’
“That’s true, though……”

I still don’t understand what senpai is saying.

“But it is also certain that you can’t do anything about it if you don’t change your look. So, you can eliminate the bullying from those three who are the root cause of the problem.”
“That kind of thing ……”

I’m not sure what to do about it.
I was going to say that.

“But I’m not sure if that will really help me get back to my old self,…….”
“I can’t say anything irresponsible like it’s going to be okay. At least that’s one of the reasons, and sooner or later it’s going to be necessary. There are a lot of people who are looking for a new way of life. Once you have confidence, you will be able to stream again with a stable mind, won’t you? And that means you’ll have more time to be more natural than ever before.”
“Wouldn’t that be so? ……”
“Well, if it’s still difficult, we’ll think about the stream again.”
“Senpai ……, isn’t that a pretty irresponsible thing to say?”
“Ugh. ……”

I am sure he said that to encourage me. I knew that well enough.

“So, what exactly should I do ……?”
“Next time you get bullied, make sure you have proof.”
“Proof?”
“Yes, that’s…”

◇

I showed them what I had taken out of my pocket to Miyano-san and the others who were trying to push me.