D Minus

“Wash your hair there.”

Hajin didn’t expect great service in the countryside but he couldn’t figure out how to shampoo himself. He stared blankly at the rusty sink in front of him.

“I’m going to shave my hair. Do I have to wash it?”

“Who’s going to shave their hair?”

“That guy.”

“Why? Are you going to the army?”

“No, he’s sick.”

With his arms folded, Jonghwa spoke informally, brazenly and confidently. The hairdresser seemed to be sixty years old and immediately turned to Hajin as if he was not interested in the spoiled young man.

“Are you sick?”

“Oh…I’m just feeling a little sick. I need to shave my head. Should I still wash it?”

“No, that’s okay. Go sit over there.”

There was only one chair in the barbershop. Jonghwa complained about whether there was a waiting room but the hairdresser only mumbled under his breath that he was a spoiled young man. A white cloth was wrapped around Hajin’s neck. His face was reflected on the large mirror which was adorned with any light. He made eye contact with himself in the mirror with a complex expression.

No wonder he felt that his face was unfamiliar. He felt he was looking at someone completely different and felt like having a snowball fight with him. Hajin pulled out his hand through the cloth and rubbed his emaciated cheeks a couple of times. Emotions surged through the depth of his heart.

“Should I just shave it?”

“…Yes.”

The barber asked sourly and picked up the blade. Cold iron touched the back of his neck before he could prepare his mind. Hajin inhaled heavily and slowly pressed down on his eyelids. It was easier not to look.

Wring– the clipped hair brushed against his earlobes and fell with the sound of the blade spinning. What was important about his hair was that his eyes kept turning red? Hajin tried to think about other things. He closed his eyes tightly and recalled the fried rice he had just eaten, thought of the street cat snooping around his house and the rocking chair in the living room.

“Sigh…”

It was a complete failure. He could feel the back of his head quickly cooling down. He noticed he was almost done with his haircut but he was still not confident enough to open his eyes so he closed it. The machine was turning as if to eat me and stopped. That was how the haircut ended.

“Hey. Since you’ve got a tiny head, a shaved head looks good on you.”

Jonghwa’s voice could be heard close by when the water droplets started pouring from under Hajin’s tightly closed eyelids. Hajin gritted his teeth to hold back tears. The lips that were bitten by his sharp teeth, went pale.

“Open your eyes. You’re much prettier now rather than looking shaggy, hey.”

Jonghwa seldom gave Hajin time to grieve. Hajin lifted his trembling eyelids with difficulty. The head with a clear grey scalp was exceptionally round. As soon as he faced his tear-soaked self in the mirror, he buried his face in his palm and wailed. Many emotions that had been desperately endured were exploding one by one those days. Hajin was afraid, sad, pitiful and felt unjust.

“Mister, the bill please.”

“9000 won.”

“9000 won. Why is it so expensive to shave your head?”

“Everyone does it like that, you punk!”

“No, did I ask to draw something on the head or paint something? Why do you have to charge 10,000 won for barely doing something?”

“Look at him. Why didn’t you shave him yourself?”

Jonghwa argued over the price by spitting out informal language and closed his mouth only after Hajin grabbed his arm. The hairdresser fixed his eyes on the TV and clicked his tongue, and blamed the boy for not being able to grow properly.

“7000 won in cash then.”

Jonghwa’s eyes sparkled at the words that popped with kindness. Hajin, who didn’t wipe his tears yet, burst into laughter when he saw the wrinkled bill coming from his pocket. No wallet, no card, of course. Hajin already knew he used cash. He was not even registered so he couldn’t make a card under his name.

There was no suitable table so Jonghwa crouched down and lined up the bills. He grabbed one 5000 won bill with two 1000 won bills and stuffed the rest into his pocket. Hajin thought something, wearing the hat he had bought in advance. That he was going to buy him a nice wallet.

***

“Does it hurt?”

“Yet.”

Several needles were stuck in the back of Hajin’s hand. He said he could go home after receiving an injection for about two days. It was Hajin’s first anti-cancer treatment. He thought he would be hospitalized as soon as he started anticancer treatment but it was fortunate that wasn’t the result.

“You can go home. I’m supposed to be here for two days.”

“I can just be with you here I guess.”

“What are you going to do by staying here? There’s nothing to do, so just go home.”

“Stop nagging. My ears hurt.”

Hajin was thankful that he came all the way there but he detested that he would be staying there. Hajin was well aware of how he would look once he would start receiving the anti-cancer treatments. He didn’t want to show himself collapsing into others, so he gently shook his head at Jonghwa, who was sitting down without a chair.

“I want to be alone, so go home.”

“Then who will teach me this?”

Hajin’s eyes opened wide. He never saw a fairy tale book come out of his pocket before. He would rather carry a bag if that was the case. Jonghwa unrolled and unfolded the fairy tale book he had in his pocket, in the opposite direction and pressed it with force. The cover with the Little Mermaid was bent.

“I’m going to read a book so tell me if you’re hurting, okay?”

Jonghwa didn’t seem to know how hilarious he looked. A 190 cm tall man was sitting in a circle auxiliary chair, with his legs crossed and was reading a Little Mermaid book with a distorted expression. It could be seen from the nurse’s expression, how amazed and embarrassed they were, but he shamelessly held the book up to his eye level and read the words one by one.

Hajin failed to send Jonghwa home, so he laid down on the bed without trying harder. It was amazing how the water droplets dripping down the transparent wire were helping to kill the virus inside. He blinked slowly and looked at the drip that permeated each drop but flinched when he looked at his swollen hand before touching his shaved head. It was when Jonghwa reacted.

“Why does it hurt?”

“No, it’s awkward.”

“You look pretty. You look good shaved because you have a small head. If a guy like me does it, I’ll become a North Korean potato.”

“…What?”

Hajin thought there was nothing to laugh about anymore. Yet, seeing his ridiculous joke made him burst into laughter. He decided to take that opportunity to laugh as much as he could. He had to laugh not to cry.

“Not…Hey, why are you crying?”

“…”

“Only your lips are smiling. Why are you holding it in? Nobody is watching. Just cry. I’m going to read the book, okay?”

Jonghwa spoke sourly and turned the book. He didn’t look at Hajin on purpose. It was hard to change the posture because of the IV hanging down so Hajin looked at the ceiling and cried endlessly. Tears were salty and bitter and perhaps what he had endured changed the taste.

“Is there something you want to eat?

“No, I have no appetite.”

“But you have to eat.”

The anticancer treatment was different from what he thought. He expected to stop eating and drinking during it and suffer from the outcome however he was able to eat even while he was injected, and there were no side effects. It was still the beginning stages so he couldn’t say it yet for sure, but it was inevitable not to expect something.

Jonghwa who read enough of the book left the hospital to buy dinner and Hajin only blinked as he looked at the drug packet, which showed no signs of shrinking. People say if chemotherapy continued, he could feel like becoming an open-eyed corpse, and he could see what he meant.

“…Huh…?”

He had a stiff neck after being in the same position for hours. Hajin turned his head left and right and opened his eyes wide once he saw a paper stuck on the chair. It was the paper which had the author’s introduction and was torn off the book. Hajin reached out for it.

Cheer up. 

There were two words written crookedly. Hajin’s cheekbones raised. He had shed so many tears that his swollen eyes became warm. Hajin folded the torn paper in half and carefully stuffed it in his bag.

***

The swirling water disappeared under the toilet. Hajin sat with his back against the tile, rubbed his wet lips and exhaled. There was nothing else to come out yet he felt nauseous as if he had a bug inside him.

It had been a month since he had been receiving chemotherapy. At first, he had a false expectation that there would be no side effects but now he clearly realized that it was a huge lie.

“Ugh…”

It didn’t give him a chance to think. His chest rose and his innards poured out again. He threw his face into the toilet and vomited. Since Hajin vomited all day, there was only a scratching sound in his throat yet nothing came out.

“Ugh…”

Hajin managed to leave the bathroom and crawled towards his room. Hajin had no appetite at all and barely drank water. He climbed up to his bed with a groan and curled up like a shrimp. It wasn’t very cold but his whole body trembled due to constant chills. Even though nothing was touching him, it felt like his skin was on fire and as if something was cutting through him so he couldn’t even tuck himself under a blanket. He crouched and tried to sleep. As the doctor said, it might be painful because Hajin wasn’t hospitalized earlier and he regretted it.

“I’m still so young…”

Since Hajin’s body felt like that, he also had spontaneous mood swings… Hajin closed his eyes, pursed his parched lips and let out a sob. He had a stomachache once he stopped feeling nauseous. He didn’t know where it actually hurt but he was in tremendous pain as if he was being yanked somewhere between his chest and belly button.

Hajin’s parents died early and he thought he was happy because he was young. He couldn’t remember even one friend as he was close to dying but he thought he was satisfied in his school days. No student looked for him when he suddenly left yet he felt his teaching life was pleasant. There was no reason to want to live but….he still didn’t want to die.

“Please…”

Hajin didn’t know why he was so desperate. He was lying on his stomach and bit down on a pillowcase to endure his pain. He lost a noticeable weight in a month so that might be why his neck felt stiffer.

“Hu…”

It was an unbearable pain. When he reached the end of his spiral, he thought maybe he calculated D-day to be the maximum number of days he could live but not the minimum. Hajin was afraid.