D Minus

Jonghwa showed an evasive attitude. Hajin pulled the chair closer to him as if he had no intention of giving up. The watermelon he was holding had been put down. As soon as Hajin sighed, while looking at the red water under the watermelon, Jonghwa opened his mouth. His playful eyes didn’t suit the situation.

“Is it about the knife?”

“…What?”

“What, fuck. Why am I even telling you this?”

“No, wait a minute. What kind of work? Knife? What knife?”

“There was something like that. Stop nagging.”

“No…!”

“Anyway, I am not a thug.”

“But what is this about a knife, just tell me!”

Jonghwa stretched his eyes and burst into laughter after hearing Hajin shout. As the sharp eyes folded gently, his pale eyes were clearly seen. The simple smile strangely suited him.

“I betrayed my big brother.”

“…What?”

“Maybe, I have fewer days left than you do.”

Hajin’s breath, which he had been holding, slowly exhaled.

“If you’re not tired, can we go and see the ocean?”

Even though Hajin wasn’t in a good condition, he was so frustrated that he couldn’t stand it anymore. Hajin came out of his room wearing a thin coat and blamed Jonghwa indirectly. It was six in the morning. The dawn broke, but the shadow that fell thickly under their eyes was the same. Hajin had the urge to collapse to sleep, but Jonghwa who couldn’t even catch a blink of sleep, stood up at the sudden request.

“Why did you come here?”

“Here?”

“I was going to die anyway, so I was looking for a quiet and peaceful place to spend my last days so I found this place after looking for a lot. Look, it’s perfect. It’s so nice.”

The sand on the beach there was darker than in other places. Hajin held the seemingly dark sand and gently shook his palm. Glittering powders were scattered here and there in the wind. Jonghwa leaned on his elbow over his knees, and as if he was thinking something he set his eyes far into the distance as the wind brushed against his face.

“Have you ever been there?”

“Where?”

“There. If you walk a few steps in, there is a port. They have a lot of fishing boats parked there.”

Where did Hajin’s heart go, even though he insisted on dying among the stillness and peace? Hajin chatted as if he needed someone to talk to. Jonghwa also answered on time without interrupting him.

“It’s very peaceful when the fishes are dried like that.”

“That’s right.”

“I bet that grandmother doesn’t even sleep. It’s dawn, but she is already out.”

I could see an older woman bending on a cane and walking slowly. Hajin looked at her until her back completely disappeared before taking a deep breath and burning his palm deep into the sand.

“Seoul is very chaotic, you know? There are so many cars and people. It’s loud and the air there is not very good. Plus, there’s no sea.”

“…”

“I was born there so I couldn’t help it. But I came here because I wanted to at least die in a quiet place.”

“It might be better to stay in the noise.”

“It’s not very quiet either. Because of you.”

Perhaps, it was because Hajin was inebriated, the words came out easily. When he poked Jonghwa’s arm, he burst out laughing. Every time the wind blew, the smell of the sea was strong.

“Do you know what I thought when I first saw you?”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“What kind of person is that? Maybe he chose the wrong house…”

Hajin who honestly babbled Jonghwa’s first impression, chuckled. Come to think of it, he rarely laughed. Hajin belatedly felt awkward after laughing like that so he closed his mouth and looked at Jonghwa.

“But now that I see it, he is not that bad of a person.”

“…”

“Why did you come here? I’m going to die anyway, so tell me honestly because I’ll really take it to the grave.”

It was a bit of a heavy joke. Jonghwa who was staring at the sea wearing an inexplicable emotion, opened his mouth which seemed unlikely to open until the end.

“I ran away.”

“…”

Hajin expected it to some extent, so he didn’t bother asking again. Hajin turned to the sea so he could speak comfortably.

“Actually, I am not even included in a family register.”

“…What?”

The consideration didn’t last long. Hajin looked sideways at Jonghwa with widened eyes and as if Jonghwa was awkward he smoothed his eyebrows. Hajin asked again, shaking his hand which was buried in the sand.

“Then you don’t have a family register?”

“Yeah.”

“You can do that?”

“I am not sure. But I lived like that until now.”

“No, but….school. Ah, never mind about school…what about hospitals? How did you get to the hospital?”

“I didn’t. If I was hurt, my big brother would come and treat me.”

“Ha…”

“Look at this.”

Jonghwa smiled innocently as he thought it was funny, how Hajin’s face changed every moment. Jonghwa had a large frame and an intimidating impression, but innocence somewhat suited him. Jonghwa lifted his top and showed off his abdomen to Hajin, whose face had hardened with a blank impression.

“…”

Hajin was speechless. He covered his mouth with a palm full of sand as his eyes trembled. There were countless wounds on the firm muscular abdomen. He could figure without asking. It was all stab wounds. The reddest of them was the recent scar. At that time, he was too busy to notice the other scars.

“My oldest brother told me that I was a shadow. The world doesn’t know me. Since I don’t have a family register, he said I might die any day now.”

Jonghwa hid his terrible abdomen again and reached back to touch the sand. Hajin felt a sense of homogeneity from Jonghwa smiling with his upper hand tilted back, however, Hajin struggled to hold back his tears.

A shadow. A dark shadow whose essence hung long when there was light so it could have nothing but a shape. Even that would disappear without light.

“So I lived as my big brother’s shadow. If I did what he told me to do, he would give me food and money. But all he asked me to do was these.”

Jonghwa pointed at those scars covered by his tee. Hain’s face was already full of tears, as he exhaled slowly. It was funny to sympathize so deeply with the pain of a stranger but he decided to be sad to his heart’s content with alcohol. As if he expected, Jonghwa smiled and poked Hajin’s eyelids with his own hands.

“Are you crazy? Why are you crying?”

“…”

“…”

“So try to live. Get the treatment. You’re better than me. There’s no place for a guy like me but it’s a waste for you to die.”

“….”

“They must have got the wrong person to be diagnosed with cancer. It should have been me but it must have gone to you by mistake.”

“….”

“Give it to me. It’s mine.”

Jonghwa smiled innocently, with his eyes as big as saucers as he made a lame joke no one would laugh at. Hajin, who was struggling to quiet his sobs, wailed helplessly as he looked at the latter’s smile. As if the dam had broken down, tears burst out. With the loudening cry, Jonghwa looked around and awkwardly patted him on the back. Hajin couldn’t understand why but his hands made him cry even more.

“Just because other people’s misfortunes are greater than mine doesn’t mean I am less unfortunate.”

Hajin’s voice sounded funny as his throat was clogged but Hajin spoke clearly stressing every letter. Jonghwa gently nodded.

“You shouldn’t be relieved just because others’ misfortune is greater than mine.”

“What do you mean? Make it easy for me to understand.”

“Just because you lived unhappily doesn’t mean you deserve to die.”

“…”

“Your life is important, too.”

“…”

“You were born so you should live.”

Hajin couldn’t even say everything he wanted to say as he was in tears at the end of his voice. Hajin buried his face in his knees and cried for a long time, heaving his shoulders up and down. He didn’t know what Jonghwa was up to since his body was lowered. The increasingly bright beach was mixed with suppressed sobbing and the sound of refreshing waves.

“You’re talking like a shadow. You are living so openly, so what do you mean you’re a  shadow? Your big brother, he is not a good person.”

“He is a good person.”

“A good person doesn’t hit you. You wouldn’t have gotten stabbed dozens of times if he was a good person.”

“You’re talking about average people. But people like me…”

“What do you mean people like you? All people are the same.”

“…”

Hajin lifted his head was buried in his knees and looked next to him. Jonghwa’s eyes sparkled as if they contained the universe. With his swollen lips and eyes, Hajin covered the back of Jonghwa’s hand with his palm. He could feel Jonghwa flinching at the sudden warmth.

“You can’t die.”

“…What?”

“Because all I had was an average life.”

“…”

“But you didn’t have the chance to try it before. Even if you die, try it and die. Because then it wouldn’t be such a waste.”

Hajin put his strength on his palm as it covered the back of Jonghwa’s hand. The light brown eyes looking at him trembled him violently, like the waves.

“I’ll help you sign up for a family register.”

“…Huh?”

“It can be for a year or six months, so try to live an average life.”

“…”

“Rather, I think that it’s unfortunate to come here only with an expiry date.”

D-135 coming to death. Hajin made the most chaotic decision in his life. Drunk, weeping, bewitched by the sea and Jongwa’s eyes.

It was the last goal and an error of a person who lost his reason and had little time to live.

“Then you receive the treatment.”

“…What?”

“Rather, I think it’s unfortunate that you came here and had to meet a person like me.”

But Hajin’s opponent was one step ahead. Before Hajin knew it, the sound of the winds and waves disappeared and only his pounding heart could be heard. Every time he blinked slowly, Jonghwa’s face appeared and disappeared.

“Ha…”

“…”

“What can we do?”

The voice came out as a dejected laugh which was steady. He didn’t mean to blame Jonghwa but he was amazed by the situation where they were on such noisy terms even if they only lived together a little over a month. Jonghwa was fiddling with the sand as he also smiled and shrugged.

“I know right.”

“Gosh…”

That time they both burst into laughter at the same time. It was the first time in a long while, that Hajin laughed like that. Jonghwa tilted his head and laughed enough to reveal his Adam’s apple and Hajin covered his eyes with his palm and laughed aloud.

The beach, which seemed to have stopped in time, regained the sound of waves and the sound of wind rang in Hajin’s ears.