Astraea

Images of her memories continued flashing in his eyes. That's when he found out that she had been sick several times with the same symptoms.

One time, he saw her just fall on her desk making him jump and accidentally remove his hand on her desk acting to catch her. But the second that he realizes that it was just a memory of her, he felt his chest tightened because he was not there to catch her.

When Lorcan put back his hand on the desk, Lydia's memory continued. He didn't indulge in her memories of them in her pad because he also has those memories clearly etched in his heart.

The memories of her sickness, vomiting, and collapsing in her bed made him feel guilty and irritated at the same time because she didn't even bother to call him. She could've called him so that he could be there and take care of her.

What was she thinking?

And why the hell she didn't go to the hospital?

Lorcan felt angry at no one in particular.

Then finally, after getting sick about 6 to 7 times, she saw a memory of her entering a hospital. She doesn't seem ill that day but he immediately noticed her pale skin. He watched as Lydia continued walking until she stopped in front of a clinic.

Gynecologist.

Lorcan read the signage.

Lydia hesitantly raises her trembling hand and knocks on the door. The next thing he saw she talked to a female doctor. She seemed scared while stating all the symptoms that she has been experiencing.

"Uhm...I've had fever and pain."

"Where do you feel the pain?" The doctor asked.

"Sometimes in the lower abdomen then in my pelvic area," Lydia replied timidly.

"Do you have nausea and vomiting?" The doctor asked then she nodded her head.

"Are you sure you are not pregnant?" The doctor asked her with suspicion, making Lorcan want to strangle her even if she is a woman. He cannot stomach anyone talking to Lydia that way.

Lydia shook her head violently. "No, I am sure I am not?"

And Lorcan could testify to that. Because she was a virgin when he had her. And he was sure that this memory happened before their argument in his pad because he hadn't seen that memory yet.

The doctor sighed. "Okay, we will do some tests."

Lydia underwent a series of laboratory and diagnostic tests before she left the hospital.

Lorcan searched for her memory of the day she returned to the doctor to find out the result of the tests.

He saw her sitting nervously in the same chair that she sat in during her first check-up. Again, he hoped that he was there to comfort her.

The next thing he knows, the doctor is telling her of her diagnosis and Lydia is already crying silently.

"Miss Hale, the tumors in your uterus were noncancerous, but at some point, they could be cancerous." The doctor said emphatically while she reaches for Lydia's shoulder to try and comfort her.

"W-what...should...I...do?" Lydia asked between sobbing.

The doctor sighed. "Based on your tests and the numbers of tumors, I suggest that we remove your uterus."

Lorcan was startled. He knows that once they remove her uterus, she'll never get pregnant.

Lydia had ceased crying when the doctor asked her, "Miss Hale, base on the information you gave us. You are not married yet, therefore, no children. Do you wish to have one?"

For some reason, Lorcan anticipated her response.

After a minute of silence, Lydia nodded her head.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" The doctor asked again and Lorcan already knew the answer.

Lydia turned red and shook her head.

The doctor sighed heavily and leaned back to her chair.

"There were other women diagnosed with the same condition as yours. Some of them were married, some were not. But most of them requested to get pregnant for the first or for the last time before we get to remove their uterus. Which is very much possible as surgery is not that emergent. We just have to manage the symptoms and wait for more or less 9 months for the surgery to be done." The doctor paused and examined Lydia's expression.

"Are you getting what I am implying, Miss Hale?"

Lydia just nodded her head.

"Okay, I'll give you some time to decide but in the meantime, I'll give you prescriptions to manage your symptoms. Come back to me if you have decided to do the surgery or you will wait for nine months."

Lorcan can't seem to be able to stop and found himself watching as Lydia is sitting on her bed hugging her knees on her chest. She is crying and saying almost inaudible words. But Lorcan could still clearly hear her say, 'Please, just this once. I want this baby.'

It was the day that they had an argument. When he pushed her away.

The day that he compared her to a whore for just casually giving herself to him without a second thought.

The day he cursed her.

The day that he told her to stay away from him.

It should be the most beautiful day to him because he woke up cuddling her on his bed but it turns out to be the day that he regretted and despised the most. The day that he pushed her away and he lost her.

Lorcan pulled his hand away from the desk and slumped in Lydia's chair. He was just standing there but he felt like he had been running, chasing for something throughout his life. He feels exhausted, in fact, exhausted is an understatement of what he felt right now.

He felt like his soul had been drained out of him.

He felt like he died yet still breathing.

Lydia wanted to have children and was given one chance to have it. And because she loves Lorcan, she chose to have it with him even though she knows that he will be mad at her.

And she was right, Lorcan hated her for that only because he didn't know why she did it.

Now that Lorcan knows why she did it, he realized that he doesn't have the right to hate her even though she hides the truth from him. He cannot hate her. He should be happy and proud that she chose him to carry her child.

But now it is too late. He already lost her.

He decided to see her memory in the hope to see her smile again but the image of her cuddling herself on her bed praying for her to conceive is plastered in her head. It is a punishment for what he did to her. For the words, he said to her.

Then there is a sudden urge to know more. He wanted to know if she did conceive. He wanted to know if that is the reason why she left.

He wanted to know where she left.

Again, he raised his hand and put it on her desk. He searched for her memories after that day.

He saw her work herself up during the day and cry at night. He saw the day that she met Brylee and Briony. She saw her take her medications but missed her meals most of the days.

Then he saw her enter her doctor's clinic.

The doctor smiled at her. "Miss Hale, have you made a decision?"

Lydia bit her lower lip and nodded herself.

"Okay, so?"

"I...I...want to know...if...I'm pregnant," Lydia said in a low voice, her head is lowered indicating that she is embarrassed.

The doctor sighed, "Miss Hale, I hope you didn't-"

"He is a friend." Lydia cut off her doctor. This doctor is really pissing Lorcan off. Did she think that Lydia had sex with a random guy out of desperation to have a child? Lorcan's jaw clenched and unclenched. He decided that once he found Lydia, he'd take her to another doctor.

"Okay, let's check out if you are pregnant." The doctor leads Lydia to a separate room.

Lorcan watches while the doctor is performing an ultrasound on Lydia.

"Congratulations, Miss Hale. You are three weeks pregnant."

When he heard that, he felt like crying. He felt like he was there seeing his child with Lydia for the first time except that he is not. Yet it felt so real. His eyes lingered for a moment at the screen where his tiny baby that is just the size of a pea is moving. Then he looked at Lydia. That's when it struck him that this was just her memory.

In reality, she was alone there hearing what was supposed to be a piece of wonderful news but she looked happy and sad at the same time. Is it possible to feel that way? Lorcan thought.

"Okay, I'll give you prenatal supplements then schedule you for a couple of check-ups. We should perform your check-ups more frequently than normal because of your condition."

Lorcan looked back up again when he heard the doctor speak.

"Uhm...can I request a referral letter?" Then he heard Lydia say, making him stare at her intently.

"Excuse me?"

"I planned on leaving the country in a couple of weeks and continued my pregnancy there. Then probably I'll have the surgery there as well." Lydia said timidly.

Lydia nodded her head.

"Okay, it looks like you had a plan on your mind."

Lorcan searched for any memory of Lydia that could tell him where she went but it seems like she just left without a concrete plan of where to go. Though it seems that she had really planned on leaving.

When Lorcan pulled his hand from the desk. He already had a decision in mind.