Always By Your Side

Chapter 12: His Secret

Coming out of Sheng Yu’s birthday party early, Fu Beichen did not go home, but to his apartment. His apartment wasn’t very big. The interior decorations were simple and unpretentious. Fu Beichen did not excessively pursue a materialistic lifestyle and always had just enough food and clothing. Most of the time, he lived in his father’s house that was submerged in books. The apartment here was taken care of by an auntie who cleaned up once every week. Therefore, when he occasionally came to stay, the apartment was completely clean.

Opening the door and entering inside, Fu Beichen did not turn on the lights. He walked all the way to the sofa and sat down. In the darkness, he sighed tiredly. Just now, either intentionally or unintentionally, Shen Yu’s question had stirred the place that had been sealed at the bottom of his heart for a long time. In that moment, a white dress kept flashing before his eyes, along with surging waves, a mountain piled with rocks, and the eyes and eyebrows that were decisive when plunging into the water.

Fu Beichen reached inside his bag and took out a small bottle of Diazepam.1 He skillfully poured two capsules out and swallowed them with water. He hadn’t lied about not getting enough sleep. In the past number of days, he was in an unceasing dreamland. This dream, he knew it very well. For twenty years and more, even if the dream was not completely identical each time. But he also understood that these plots added up to the same story. He had thought about looking for a psychiatrist, but when all was said and done, he felt that these matters were so beyond belief that he didn’t confide in anyone. Stability was his long-term practice to find a method to relax and fall asleep. Although his head was always a little murky after waking up, it was better than being entangled by scattered and smashed nightmares all night.

He once wondered, was Zhao Jue2 related to this dream? Because the final thing she had said to him on the seashore was the poem “Autumn Breeze”3 from the vase in his dreams: “Entering the gate of yearning, I came to know its bitterness. Yearning, if long, is a long memory—even when short, it’s still without end. This entanglement in the heart—if we’d known that beforehand, we might as well have never met.” She had then leapt into the sea, and his eyes were full of the frightful waves and raging flames that were so familiar and moving.

But now he was certain that the dream had nothing to do with Zhao Jue…Regarding Zhao Jue, he had always had the guilt of “I didn’t kill Boren, but Boren died because of me”.4 However, at the bottom of his heart there was another deep feeling, and he became more and more aware that it was not because of her. He was unable to tell what kind of emotion it was until that day when he returned home. From his father’s speaker came a section of “The Palace of Longevity · Crying Portrait”.5 Emperor Ming’s imperial consort, Yang Yuhuan, sang the lines: “If I was willing to resist back then, he might not necessarily have offended the prince. Even if he did offend, what was the harm? On the spring platform, I gained in pairs. Although I am in good health, I am alone now, and I ask: What is the scenery for the rest of my life? There are only tears and thousands of worries, in heaven and on earth, how can this hatred be paid…”

He had been standing in the living room at that moment. He couldn’t take a step at all. His five viscera and six hollow organs were all seemingly affected by this singing. It resonated and gave rise to his heart tightly twisting.

This feeling, how similar it was to the person in his dreams.

It was remorse, it was reluctance, it was longing…

He became more and more convinced that it was the memory of his previous life. He had to believe it. Fu Beichen pressed the incessant, swelling pain at his temples. He planned to wash up, then rely on the efficacy of the medicine to fall asleep. However, his phone rang. He picked up the phone that had been placed by the side of his bag. It was his father’s call.

“Dad?”

“En…didn’t you go to Shen Yu’s birthday party? Why are your surroundings so quiet?” Professor Fu’s voice was full of annoyance.

Fu Beichen made an effort to be more cheerful as he replied: “I was a little tired, so I left earlier than planned. Tonight I’m sleeping in my apartment. Is something the matter?”

Professor Fu said: “It’s not a big deal. Do you still remember Chuancheng’s young editor Cheng Yuanyuan from last time?”

Hearing “Cheng Yuanyuan”, Fu Beichen’s state of mind cleared up. “What happened to her?”

“What are you so nervous about?” Professor Fu chuckled and said, “Just now I gave her a call, but the little girl’s phone is off. I’ve finished the first issue of the manuscript that we discussed. Why don’t you help me send it to her tomorrow. You have a car, it’s easier for you to go.” Professor Fu’s manuscript was always written by hand.

Fu Beichen thought that it just so happened that he had something to do at her office, so he said: “Okay, tomorrow morning I’ll come and get it.”

Who knew that on this night, the Diazepam would only help him fall asleep quickly. It failed to prevent his dreams from disturbing him—he suddenly felt that he was bowing his head and kneeling in a big, dark, cold place. At the top of his head was a constant gaze.

He slowly raised his head, but couldn’t see that person’s face. He could only feel that they had been laughing. “This is His Majesty’s order, therefore the Hanlin scholar6 bearing the imperial decree, Fu Junyan’s first wife’s grandson Fu Yuanzheng, is loyal and filial and has both courtesy and righteousness. Three generations have been devoted to the country, these family customs have been handed down as a family heirloom by Fu Zeyin and his descendants. Therefore, this contending literary talent is extraordinary, his military strategy is outstanding, and he is the talent of Qifeng7…” These words were the most honourable marriage decree for any man under the Heavens, but he only noticed his ice-cold hands and feet.

In the garden, there were pines and cypresses, and among them were also the winter daphnes that were just beginning to open.

“Sixth Minister, have you been promoted?” asked a lovable and charming girl’s voice.

“En,” he replied tightly.

“How come you’re not happy at all?” The girl’s voice said in consolation, “I know you have always followed the example of your father, but when your father received the imperial decree as a Hanlin scholar, his year of destiny had passed. You, however, are still young.”

“En.” He turned his back away. He didn’t even have the courage to look at her.

“Daddy said that when we get married, I can personally fire several kilns of porcelain as a dowry. I’ve already thought about it well, I want to make a…” Hearing this, he was already shedding tears like rain.

Yuanyuan woke up early in the morning and discovered that her phone was out of power. When she went to the office to charge and turn on her phone, she found that there were two missed calls from Professor Fu the previous night. Yuanyuan let out a terrible cry. Just as she was about to call the professor back, Zhang Yueren came in. Today he still dressed in a short linen jacket and trousers. His decadent style had not changed, it was only the great difference in his countenance that seemed to have gotten worse.

Yuanyuan watched him. When he approached, she stood up and prepared to say hello. Zhang Yueren only nodded to her slightly, then walked directly to his office. 

Yuanyuan could not help but think to herself, Editor-in-chief, what is this, are you frustrated and depressed? 

The office phone at hand suddenly began to ring.

It was a call from the front desk saying that a gentleman surnamed Fu was looking for her.

Fu? Yuanyuan’s mind spun, Ah, yesterday night I didn’t answer Professor Fu’s phone call. Could it be that the old man had personally come to see her today?

“Please tell Mr. Fu that I’ll go down and receive him right away!” Yuanyuan hung up the phone and flew straight towards the elevator.

When she saw Fu Beichen, she opened her mouth in astonishment, “It’s you.”

“You seem very disappointed.” Fu Beichen gazed at her with a weak smile.

“I thought it was Professor Fu coming to send me the manuscript, so my sin was very big. But you came instead, and still my crimes are equally as serious.” Seeing his smile, Yuanyuan suddenly thought of last night’s text message. It had been a game, but it still made her heartbeat race.

“Then will you invite me to go up and have a cup of tea as atonement?”

Yuanyuan restrained her state of mind and replied: “Of course you can come up to drink tea. But I’m afraid that the editor-in-chief will see you, and then learn that you are here to send me the manuscript. Maybe in a fit of anger, he’ll split me in two.” He would think she was neglecting the professor but still collecting his family members. And this family member was a very important and well-known figure.

Fu Beichen said earnestly: “Rest assured, I won’t expose you. I have some matters with your editor-in-chief.”

“Really?” Yuanyuan naturally trusted him with her whole heart. But on the outside, she looked at him suspiciously. “Do you know our editor-in-chief Zhang Yueren?”

“I don’t.”

Yuanyuan remained silent for a while, then finally invited him very respectfully: “Let’s go, Expert Fu. But let me tell you in advance, I don’t have good tea here.”

Fu Beichen followed after her. He suddenly felt that the darkness pressing down on his heart these days seemed to have disappeared all at once. At her office desk, Yuanyuan put away the manuscript that was handed to her by Fu Beichen at top speed. Then she took out some tea leaves. She didn’t want to use the disposable cups to make tea for him, and it just so happened that she previously purchased a cup to give to someone. It hadn’t been used yet. Yuanyuan went to wash the cup and made tea for Fu Beichen. 

Fu Beichen picked up the teacup and looked inside. He found that the tea leaves really weren’t that great. There were big leaves and thick stems, and it was more like grabbing a handful from a haystack and using it. But he still gave her face and tried a sip.

Watching his eyebrows crease, Yuanyuan cheerfully laughed, “I told you, I don’t have good tea here. But don’t look down on this tea, Master Jingshan said that this is his homemade meditation tea.”

“Master Jingshan?” Fu Beichen asked, unconvinced. “Which temple’s master is this? I didn’t expect you to have an affinity for Buddha, I underestimated you before.”

Yuanyuan smiled mysteriously, “Master Jingshan is an eminent monk, so it’s not easy for people to see him. He said that his meditation tea is used by his most distinguished guests. I also received a small can. I heard Professor Fu say that you are good at tasting tea. That sip just now, how would you rate it?”

Fu Beichen was unexpectedly speechless. He looked at the girl in front of him with a smile and said warmly: “My skills are insufficient. I have no way of rating this tea for the time being. Oh right, is your cold better?”

“En, almost.”

Fu Beichen stood up while holding the teacup, “Then that’s good. Alright, I’m going to look for your editor-in-chief to talk about some things.” He subconsciously wanted to reach out and touch her head but immediately restrained himself. The outstretched hand dropped, and he gently patted her on the shoulder before turning to leave.

Yuanyuan asked: “Yi? Your tea…”

Fu Beichen said: “Such a good tea, let me try it for a while.”

Yuanyuan laughed. Alright then, take your time trying it. Fu Beichen arrived at Zhang Yueren’s office door and knocked courteously on the door three times.

“Mr. Fu and Cheng Yuanyuan are familiar with one another?” After introducing themselves to each other, Zhang Yueren asked this to Fu Beichen who was sitting opposite from him and holding the teacup.

“We’re…considered to be relatives,” Fu Beichen smiled politely. 

“Oh?”

“The relationship is very distant. It’s awkward to talk about, forgive me since I won’t explain it.” As Fu Beichen said so, he took out something wrapped in newspaper from his bag. After opening it, it was an intricate pair of porcelain mandarin ducks.8 The colour of the glaze changed in an irregular and strange manner. The ducks appeared to be vivid and realistic, true to life.

“It turns out that Gao Ling actually entrusted Mr. Fu to help me repair this porcelain.” Zhang Yueren took the mandarin ducks carefully. After examining them attentively again and again, he exclaimed in admiration that this kind of clever hand had such unique skills to repair porcelain. It was better to see it once than hear about it a hundred times.

“If it’s to your satisfaction, then that’s good.” Fu Beichen had gone to Jingdezhen two days ago. Boss Gao learned of his schedule out of nowhere and came to him again for a drink. But like before, it was one person tasting wine and one person tasting tea. Presently Fu Beichen took a sip from his teacup, his eyebrows unconsciously creasing; it was still full of rough stems. And yet from beginning to end he never once disdained the cup of tea in his hand.

“Gao Ling also entrusted me to tell you something.”

“Please say it.”

“He said it’s difficult for a broken mirror to become round again.9 Even if these mandarin ducks are repaired to be perfect once more, it’s merely deceiving others and yourself.”

Zhang Yueren was taciturn for a while, and Fu Beichen didn’t interrupt the silence.

“Gao Ling, did he tell you about my affairs?”

“Yes and no.” Fu Beichen considered it for a bit. “You two are old classmates, you should know he’s a bad drinker.”

When Zhang Yueren heard these words, he smiled and bitterly said, “I understand.” Then he sighed ruefully. “Sometimes I truly envy Gao Ling. No marriage, no worries, and there are not so many troublesome things. But sometimes I also feel that having no pain for a lifetime is quite regrettable.”

Towards this, Fu Beichen declined to express an opinion. He only said, “Every person is looking for something.”

“That’s also true.”

On Yuanyuan’s side, after Fu Beichen had entered Zhang Yueren’s office, many people gathered around her. One after another they sought to know who this divine person was. With a graceful and elegant bearing, at first glance, he was not a mortal.

Yuanyuan said, “Fu Beichen, ah.”

Everyone muttered amongst themselves for a moment before saying: “What a good name!”

To Yuanyuan, it seemed she was not ignorant and inexperienced—unless there was someone who really liked porcelain, people from other circles were still unfamiliar with Fu Beichen. Sure enough, a difference in profession made one feel worlds apart, and this would be true even if he wasn’t as picturesque as he was.

“What are you thinking about? Your smile is so evil!” a colleague asked Yuanyuan.

“Thinking of something amusing.” Yuanyuan laughed and then said, “Speaking of chivalrous heroes, what are you all surrounding me for? The leader is going to come over and see this and say that I’m disrupting public order.”

One colleague said with a smile: “The one disturbing public order is not you, it’s the handsome guy inside, okay.”

Another female colleague asked: “Yuanyuan, what’s your relationship with him?”

Yuanyuan allowed them to investigate in every possible way. She simply let out a gentle laughter and practiced Tai Chi. When she finally couldn’t hold back, Zhang Yueren’s office door opened.

Zhang Yueren wanted to send Fu Beichen downstairs. After exchanging their thanks for a while, Fu Beichen was unable to resist. He glanced at the many people surrounding Cheng Yuanyuan and said, “Editor-in-chief Zhang, you’re busy. If you really want to give me a send-off, let Cheng Yuanyuan do it.”

Zhang Yueren nodded and said: “That’ll also do.” Yuanyuan was instructed by the editor-in-chief to send Fu Beichen downstairs. Yuanyuan could sense the eyes of her colleagues watching them until they walked out of the office and disappeared around the corner. 

Yuanyuan was about to press the elevator button when Fu Beichen said: “Let’s take the stairs.”

She froze and said, “Oh.”

As the two walked side by side down the stairs, Yuanyuan said: “Fu Beichen, just now a lot of people told me that they’re very curious about you. Later when I go back up, they will absolutely interrogate me for information pertaining to you.”

“En, you won’t sell me out, will you?”

“If there are benefits, why not? Unless…”

Fu Beichen faced her. Yuanyuan stopped putting on an act and said loyally: “I will certainly be formidable and unbending, my will won’t be swayed by riches and status. However, I have already revealed your name. They said your name sounds very nice.”

Fu Beichen broke out into laughter. Watching her, he quietly said: “Thank you.”

He remained smiling and did not speak anymore.

When the two reached the gate, Fu Beichen stood still. He raised his hand and finally touched the hair on Yuanyuan’s cheek gently. Fu Beichen was natural and graceful, and the touch was also short-lived, so Yuanyuan didn’t feel it was abrupt. Then she heard Fu Beichen ask her, “I have an old friend who has been preparing an exhibition on porcelain and porcelain plate paintings for many years. Tonight is the opening, and I’ve been invited to take part. Yuanyuan, are you interested in seeing it together with me?”

“Porcelain plate painting? What is that?” Yuanyuan asked with wonder.

“It’s better to see it personally than hear about it from others, it’ll be more clear.” Fu Beichen paused, then added, “Generally at this kind of opening exhibition, there will be many delicious things to eat. Such as beautiful handmade desserts.”

Yuanyuan’s interest was immediately aroused.

Fu Beichen said softly: “Then when you get off work I’ll pick you up?”

“Okay!”

When he got off work, Wang Yang went to see Cheng Bai and said: “Doctor Cheng, my beloved bicycle has lost its chain. Today I will inconvenience you to give me and my bike a ride home.”

Cheng Bai gave an “en” to express that he got it. He took off his white lab coat and hung it up, then unbuttoned the cuffs of his white shirt. He rolled up his sleeves slightly, left to right, completely unhurried. Wang Yang inevitably shook his head. No wonder so many little doctors and little nurses took a liking to him.

Since he planned to send Doctor Wang home in his car, Cheng Bai took Zhongshan Road. He didn’t usually take this road because it was the main road of the city centre. The traffic jams after everyone got off work were severe. While passing a building, Cheng Bai saw her. To be more precise, them.

Looking through the glass of the car window, two people stood face to face while talking. Today she was wearing a deep blue dress, her hair draping over her shoulders loosely. The wind blew, and several strands of hair flew up gently, brushing against his arm. She tucked her hair behind her ears, tilted her head slightly, and said something. The man smiled and nodded. Soon after, the two got into his car.

Cheng Bai watched expressionlessly as the car started and drove into the traffic.

 

Sorry for all the footnotes, I feel like the book knew I was happy about no footnotes last chapter and gave me a million this time. But there are just so many references to explain…Seriously, I could NOT see the end of this chapter guys T^T It was by far the hardest chapter I’ve ever translated. The terms and references were so difficult and they took SUCH a long time to research despite only being a small portion of the chapter! I highly respect those who translate novels set in Ancient China…

Anyway, I feel like it was worth it. So much is revealed in this chapter. Hope you enjoyed it!

Diazepam is a medication used to treat anxiety and sleep problems. Zhao Jue was mentioned very briefly in chapter six, when Professor Fu recalls her as a female student that Fu Beichen was involved with. This is a poem called 秋风词 (Qiufeng Ci), or Autumn Wind by Li Bai, one of China’s greatest poets.  That being said, there are many English versions of Autumn Wind and it’s worthwhile to check them out. They all come together to illustrate how heart-wrenching the words are. One line of this poem was also briefly mentioned in chapter six. (For consistency, I went back and changed my translation of that line to be the same as this version.) This is a famous proverb from Wang Dao, who was a prime minister in the Eastern Jin Dynasty. Boren, also known as Zhou Wei, was a minister that Wang Dao resented. Fu Beichen relates to this line because of his guilt—although he didn’t personally do something, something happened and it was indirectly because of him. 长生殿·哭像 (The Palace of Longevity · Crying Portrait) is a script from the early Qing Dynasty. I’m guessing it’s meant for Chinese opera. It depicts the love story between Emperor Ming of the Tang Dynasty and his imperial consort Yang Yuhuan. He favoured Yang Yuhuan and ignored political affairs to spend time with her. Later there was a rebellion led by Prince Guo Ziyi, and the emperor and his officials fled. Those in charge of the rebellion ordered Yang Yuhuan to be executed (as she was the indirect cause of the rebellion), and the emperor had no choice but to let her hang herself. I’m not familiar enough with this play so my translation and understanding of the context may be rough, but I’m assuming Yang Yuhuan is addressing how the emperor offended the prince (Guo Ziyi) by constantly indulging her, and expressing her sorrows. The Hanlin Academy was a scholarly institution that held Imperial examinations for officials to obtain higher-level promotions. Being a member of the academy meant you were a top scholar. Li Bai, whose poem is used in this chapter, was a member of the Hanlin Academy. Qifeng, now known as Kaifeng, was one of the Eight Ancient Capitals of China. It was the capital of China in the Northern Song Dynasty.Mandarin ducks are a symbol of love and devotion in Chinese culture, because they are believed to be lifelong partners. 破镜 重圆 means a broken mirror becomes round again. In Chinese culture, the term “broken mirror” is used to refer to a couple who is separated physically or emotionally. When a broken mirror becomes round again, it means that the couple has had a reunion. It is revealed that Zhang Yueren is having difficulties in his relationship.