If you are still together when you wake up

Chapter 15 Inferiority and Pride

The winter vacation is approaching, and most of the students are hiding in the library or classrooms for self-study, preparing for the final public class exam.The campus looked much deserted.Xia Huixi only participates in the meetings and discussions of academic forums every day because she has finished her professional course teaching tasks.When the end of the year is approaching, you can take a big breather.

But it's not all easy.By convention, a collection of papers will be published at the end of the conference.After Professor Peng assigned this task, she began to contact the editor of Nantah University Press to help provide information and materials.

Alone in the office, Xia Huixi was filing the students' grades and preparing to send them to the school's Academic Affairs Office.She picked up the phone and said "Hi".

"Dinner? Where are you going? Your house? Oh, okay." Xia Huixi clamped the phone between her shoulders and ears, and entered data on EXEL, "I'll come back later."

For some reason, Su Ruhao's voice sounded a bit serious: "I'll pick you up."

Just as she was about to say no, she had already hung up the phone.

Xia Huixi was a little stunned, hung up the phone, and then checked that the time was still early enough to register his grades, so he pushed his glasses and continued to work.

When the bell interrupted her again, she answered it helplessly, said "Hello", but was startled——she involuntarily looked away and looked out the window.

It was Pei Yueze who hadn't been in touch for a long time.

It was rare for him to call in person. Xia Huixi subconsciously checked his timetable. Before he could speak, he had already opened his mouth.

"Where have you been these days? Is school work over?"

She didn't know what he meant by asking this at the beginning, so she squeaked and didn't speak.

Maybe because he realized that he was a bit abrupt, Pei Yueze restrained his tone slightly, and asked again: "I'm going to Hainan for a few days. If you are free, I would like to invite you to go with me."

"Uh..." Xia Huixi was taken aback by this suggestion, and she had to carefully reject it, "Isn't that good? Mr. Pei, is there something wrong with you?"

He pondered for a while, and finally said: "Well, let's meet tonight."

Xia Huixi refused straight away: "I'm sorry, I have something to do tonight."

"A date with a boyfriend?" He paused, "Then tomorrow?"

The office door had already been pushed open, she saw Su Ruhao walking in, and said hastily: "I'll contact you tomorrow. Hang up first, goodbye."

It seemed that he rushed over immediately, only wearing a dark blue sweater, and didn't even hold a coat in his hand.Su Ruhao propped his hands on the table, pursed his lips, and looked at her without saying a word, with a strange expression on his face.

"Have you finished your work?" He asked her slowly, "Can I go?"

She kept her hands on her hands: "immediately, immediately. It will be fine in a while."

He didn't say anything else, took a chair and sat down without urging her, but his eyes lingered on her side again and again, and finally said: "When will the school work end? Let's go on vacation during the Spring Festival?"

Xia Huixi mistyped a line and started over.

"I'm talking to you... Did you hear me?" He still asked patiently, "Do you want to go somewhere for fun?"

Like an angry child, she still didn't speak, kept the file, and finally looked up at him slowly: "I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to celebrate the New Year at home."

The corners of Su Ruhao's lips twitched slightly, sighed softly, met her somewhat stubborn gaze, and finally compromised, with a gentle tone as if to comfort her: "Okay, I'm not going anywhere, I'll stay at home with you ,OK?"

She smiled brightly: "Okay, let's go. Do you want to go to the supermarket to buy something first?"

The car drove past the staff dormitory, and there were quite a lot of people gathered below. Su Ruhao glanced in the rearview mirror and said nothing.Xia Huixi looked back a few times, frowned and said, "What happened over there?"

If he didn't speak, no one would answer.The car passed by Wal-Mart and didn't intend to stop. Su Ruhao seemed to know what she was thinking: "I've bought everything."

She said "Oh", then looked at his face again: "You are acting weird today."

When he arrived at his house, Xia Huixi rolled up his sleeves and said enthusiastically, "Let me cook."

He hung her coat aside, took her hand and sat down on the sofa, and said, "Sit down and don't move."

The room was very warm, and Xia Huixi watched in confusion as he brought a cup of hot drink over, stuffed it in her hand, and then sat beside her: "Drink some drinks and calm down."

She held the mug and took a sip: "What are you doing?"

"Well, this is it."

Su Ruhao handed her a lot of magazines and newspapers.

She took it, flipped it casually, and the smile on the corner of her mouth grew stronger: "I can't tell, Su Ruhao, do you still like to read this kind of messy magazines and newspapers?"

"Yeah... I can't see it." His tone was a little solemn, "Look carefully."

He still remained silent, watching her hand back the cup in her hand to him, watching her slowly lower her head to read carefully, watching her frown deepen, and finally throw a stack of papers on the ground, with a voice A little angry: "What a mess!"

When public service advertisements are played all over the city, it is not that they have no impact on her life.She heard colleagues say that her exposure rate has increased greatly on local forums, and some people have been asking why the show suddenly changed guest hosts.She thought it was a little funny and didn't pay much attention.These fads and crazes always come one after another. After passing the cusp, when the next wave hits, she believes that everyone will forget about herself.

However, these small gossip magazines are obviously not positive reports.

The reason is that it is said that someone broke the news on the forum and republished the program that was previously suppressed by the TV station on the Internet.The bottom is still alarmist, and the characters written in Douba are all "psychologists forced the guests to death".

As if she was afraid that others would not know, she described her resume in detail again, and naturally she couldn't forget to stick the huge charity poster that can be seen all over the city today.

Xia Huixi picked out a picture from a stack of pictures, looked around, and said "Hey", "Isn't this the picture from the day of my thesis presentation?" She remembered something, and suddenly realized, "No wonder the security guard invited that person out."

"There are so many people around my dormitory downstairs today, shouldn't they all be looking for me?" She raised her eyebrows and looked at him, with a smile on her lips: "Don't look at me like that, I'm not that bad .Isn’t it just a mess of news, I just pretended I didn’t see it.”

She casually pointed to the title again: "What killed the guest? She just passed out on the show."

Su Ruhao pressed her hand, and slowly pulled back the newspaper. With a steady voice, he watched her every move closely: "Xiaoxi, you didn't read carefully. That woman is really dead." .”

With a bang, the young girl's smile froze on her lips.

The glass of drink was overturned in his hand, and there was a pool of stains on the dark gray sofa, which was hideous and terrifying.

"Dead?" Xia Huixi's eyes lost focus instantly, scattered like a ball of ice crystals, and murmured, "How come?"

The temperature of his palm was hot, and he forcefully turned her face to face him, word by word, as if he was instilling in her an undeniable truth: "This matter has nothing to do with you."

"Think about it, how many cases we have learned - how many people choose to commit suicide after recovering from neurological diseases? Besides, that woman did not commit suicide."

"It wasn't suicide?" Xia Huixi opened her mouth slightly, and looked at him in confusion, "Then what happened to her?"

"Did something happen in the hospital?" He didn't say much, "In short, it has nothing to do with you."

For a while, I thought of that woman who told her story in front of me alive... For a while, I thought of other things, all of which were real, but little by little, those things seemed like time that could not be grasped between fingers, all of them Gone.

She raised her eyes and met Su Ruhao's worried gaze, but she smiled quietly in her heart - did he think he was still in chaos?But in fact, regarding death, the most mysterious and dark field, perhaps my understanding and feelings are much deeper and calmer than ordinary people.

Feeling cold, she slowly leaned against his side, stretched out her arms to wrap around his arms, buried her face on the side of his neck, and said in a low voice: "I know this has nothing to do with me. But... Sue Ruhao, don't you feel scared? It seems that everyone cannot escape their fate. She is like this, and many people are like this."

He stretched out his arms to hug her, hugged her in front of him, kissed her hair lightly, and said slowly: "Don't think about it. I'll cook and watch TV."

She hugged him stubbornly, but her tone was soft: "Su Ruhao, don't go. Listen to me and tell me about the past, okay?"

He was taken aback for a moment, and the embrace became stronger, and he said "yes", "Okay, tell me."

Xu Shi was stimulated by this news, but she suddenly had the desire to tell about the past for so long.When she calmed down, she blinked her eyes and thought for a while: "Shall I tell you my dream?"

"I've been having the same dream ever since I left home to go to university. Right on the NTU playground, I kept running. The runway was straight. I thought I couldn't stop. In fact... I also stopped. I can't come down, because the running track is always endless. When I can't run anymore, I suddenly returned to my hometown, my parents are still there, my father just came back from the field, and my mother is cooking in front of the big stove..."

"I've been having this dream all the time. It's obviously not a nightmare, but it's scarier than a nightmare."

"Didn't you say that I care about Ke the most? I really care about her...she had the same dream as me, and when I saw her, it was like seeing my former self. But I hope she won't be like me, until now , only regret..."

Su Ruhao stretched out his hand, and clasped her fingers tightly, so that there was no gap between the fingertips of each other, and tightly clenched again: "Speak slowly, I'm listening."

"Hmm..." Xia Huixi nodded in his arms, "You know about dream analysis. This dream is not difficult to analyze at all."

"Simply put, I was indulged too ambitious in this big city. The subconscious mind always reminded me to slow down and look back, but I was too young and vigorous at those times... In terms of study, I have to do better than anyone else. Great people. I want to prove that being poor in the family doesn't mean anything. I'm running as hard as I can, so in my dreams I keep running, even if I'm exhausted. And I run, and I'm back In that room in my hometown, my subconscious mind is reminding me not to forget my parents who raised me up and provided me with education. You know..."

She smiled shyly, "I have always felt inferior. I dare not mention my parents to anyone, because they are farmers and they don't understand anything."

"At that time, I was too proud, and my self-esteem was stronger than anyone else. Although my family borrowed money from relatives to raise the tuition for the freshman year, my grades were good, and I could get various scholarships, especially in some colleges. The special scholarships for poor students are almost always given to me in the end. So since my sophomore year, I have never worried about tuition fees and living expenses, and I even occasionally give subsidies to my family."

CRIX set up a special scholarship in our school that year. The conditions are very good, but the standards to be obtained are also very high.I'm the only one in our academy who is eligible.That time, the awarding ceremony was very grand, and the school wanted me to accept the bonus as a representative and speak as a student representative.This was originally a very honorable thing, but after much deliberation, I kept worrying about how to refuse it.Because... that scholarship is marked as a poverty bursary.

I called my mother, and I said I didn't want to go. I felt ashamed that I didn't mention it. Although my mother is not well-educated, she guessed it... She finally said, Xiaoxi, don't do this.Since going to school till now, our family has received so much help from others, so you should go up and say a few words in return.

In fact, at that time, I thought over and over again, I would rather not have that money.I also really want to tell my teacher that I don't want to accept the scholarship on behalf of the public.But every time I see the teachers in the school, they are very kind to me, and they will give me any opportunity, I really can't say it.

2 yuan... so much money... If I get it, then I don't have to worry about tuition fees and living expenses after graduation.So procrastinating, I forced myself to figure it out, wrote a speech, and went to the venue. "

She was still lying in Su Ruhao's arms, her eyes were fixed on a certain place on his chest, and she suddenly changed the subject: "Su Ruhao, do you know the gap between the psychiatrist and the consultant? It can be filled with dreams That kind?"

He hummed: "Passionate fantasy?"

Xia Huixi bit her lips, her face was pale and a little blushing, and finally she bravely broke away from his arms and looked directly at him: "Yes, I used to have that kind of compensation for Pei Yueze."

He also stared at her intently, his pupils shrank slightly in an instant, took a deep breath as gently as possible, and asked her softly: "The compensation method? Is it... that kind of dream?"

His voice was unknowingly hoarse and sandy, which made Xia Huixi feel a little uneasy.

"You... don't mind." She suddenly regretted being so frank, looked at his expressionless side face anxiously, and explained in a panic, "I just suddenly understood where those cracks came from. .I think...it's because of that awards ceremony."

She turned around slowly, curled her legs on the sofa habitually, and hugged her knees.The shrunken body is a small ball, like a stray kitten, a little helpless.

"Su Ruhao, you won't mind, will you? We all know that these compensations will often appear... Besides, I didn't know you at that time..."

Xia Huixi gave an incoherent explanation, pursing her lips so pale that they looked abnormally thin and transparent.

In the end, she was still soft-hearted. Su Ruhao recalled those theoretical concepts over and over again, breathing like running water, trying to cleanse and soften the uneasiness in her heart, and finally hugged her calmly, and said softly: "I'm a little A little mind. Normal men will probably have this kind of mind, even if they study psychology. " He paused, seemingly unconsciously, his slender fingers nimbly and softly touching her ear Circling and rubbing, "But I'm very happy, you are willing to tell me these...you go on, I'm listening."

He slowly lowered his head, held her hand, and kissed her fingertips lightly, but his eyes never left her face, listening quietly.

There was a slight itching on the fingertips, but Xia Huixi didn't pull away his hand, and let him hold it, as if he could gain courage and support himself to continue talking.

"That was the time when I was the most inferior and the proudest. I sat in the first row of the audience, but I couldn't lift my head when I read the speech. I kept thinking, obviously my grades are the best, obviously An average score of 95 is required to get such a scholarship, but why does this scholarship seem like a humiliation to me?"

She noticed that Su Ruhao's lips moved slightly, as if she wanted to persuade her, but she waved her hand with a pale face, "You don't need to persuade me. Of course I don't think so now...but you know, at that time I'm young, I'm sensitive, I'm ridiculously proud, so my ideas can be extreme."

Her eyes turned out of the window unconsciously, remembering that her St. Petersburg had told Pei Yueze about their first meeting.But she wasn't telling the truth.

In fact, she saw him for the first time in the largest auditorium in Nantah University. He was dressed in noble clothes and his face was impeccably handsome.He handed her the certificate, leaned over and shook hands with her, polite, alienated, and indifferent: "Work hard."

She stared nervously at the corner of her clothes. The usual self-esteem and pride piled up by academic excellence were like dust, just blown gently, and landed in the farthest corner of the world.And she suddenly discovered that her world was small and unbearable.Such a gap is reality.

She didn't know how she finished the manuscript—thousands of words, which were revised again and again by the teacher of the Youth League Committee, saying that it was to highlight the theme of gratitude and warmth.After reading the whole article, I can only remember countless thanks in a daze.In the last photo taken by the school newspaper reporter, the corners of my eyes were shining, and it was naturally written that "the students who spoke on behalf of me were moved to tears several times".

No one knew that it was not because of being moved, but because of grievance, twisted and hypocritical humiliation.

"It was Pei Yueze who gave me the award. That was the first time I saw him. He is very young and good-looking. That kind of temperament may be born noble... As you can imagine, a girl with very low self-esteem, To receive such a reward from a very handsome and temperamental man with my own hands, and then thank him respectfully, it is really very uncomfortable for me."

Su Ruhao's eyes were soft all the time, he didn't interrupt, just let her speak according to his own thoughts.

She sighed slightly, and after a while, she said in a low voice: "Later I chatted with Pei Yueze and talked about the first time I met him. But I lied to him, saying that I was in the CRIX building with my tutor I met him together. It can be seen that until now, I am still avoiding that matter."

"After the award ceremony was over, the money was transferred into the account. At that time, my father's waist was bad, and sometimes it was difficult for him to get off the ground. After much deliberation, I decided to persuade him to come here for medical treatment."

They didn't want to come because it was too expensive to see a doctor.I just said that my scholarship is really enough to see ten or eight illnesses.They haven't come to this city for a while in their whole life, and they were still moved by me after all. "

Su Ruhao patted her on the shoulder and said softly, "You did the right thing, you are very filial."

Xia Huixi just smiled, but in that smile, there was still sadness and helplessness, and her eyes were full of tears.

"Actually, I am quite contradictory. I want to be filial to them, but I don't want my classmates to know that my parents are visiting me. They... never dress well like my roommate's parents. They invite our classmates in a dormitory to a restaurant Eat. So, I booked a room early in the hotel near the station, which is cheap and far from the school.”

Later, I picked them up at the station, and my mother brought me a whole basket of pecans, my favorite, and told me to bring them to my classmates.I later brought it back to my dormitory and said I bought it on the street.

In those few days, I left early and returned late, took my father to see a doctor, and took them around parks and shopping malls.On the third day, my mother said cautiously that she wanted to visit my school.

In fact, what I am most afraid of is my parents’ request. I don’t want to take them to Nantah for a transfer. I am afraid of meeting familiar classmates and teachers, so I said that there is an important meeting to be held in the afternoon, and I can’t spare it. The time has come.And the tickets are all bought and cannot be refunded.

My mother raised me, and I think she probably knew I was making excuses, but she didn't tell the truth, she just said forget it.

I found an excuse to buy some food for them on the way, so I went to a nearby station to buy tickets for the afternoon, and sent them on the train. "

When she said this, she couldn't control her emotions, tears rolled down slowly, and her little cheeks were instantly covered with moisture.Xia Huixi wiped it vigorously, turned away in embarrassment, and quickly said: "I'm sorry."

Su Ruhao stretched out his arms to embrace her, stroked her back over and over again, and comforted her softly: "It's okay, those things are over. Let's go to your hometown to celebrate the New Year during the Spring Festival, shall we?"

He couldn't see her expression, but her voice was sad and helpless: "That afternoon, that bus had an accident and turned off the highway. All the passengers on the bus died...they were also inside..."

His heart was suddenly caught, perhaps because of her trembling body at the moment, perhaps because of the past she told. He had seen Xia Huixi's files and the various awards she had won, so he naturally knew her Her background and family background may not be good... However, it is unexpected that such a smart and beautiful girl also hides such thoughts.

The bits and pieces of the past, like a jigsaw puzzle, suddenly formed a clear picture in my mind.

When she was in Cuixiang, she saw the impoverished peasants, and she couldn't restrain her excitement... Before she went to St. Petersburg, she told herself that the cost was too expensive... and just a few days ago, she saw a man named The little girl, perhaps glimpsed her past from there, and flicked the bag in her hand on the ground heavily, her fingers were cold...

He didn't know what else he could do to comfort her at this moment, he could only hug her tighter, put his chin on her shoulder, brushed her long hair with his hot breath, and told her over and over again: "it's already over."

Xia Huixi let him hold her, her body limp and motionless, and finally said softly: "No... I can't tell what I think... Sometimes when I think about it carefully, I'm really not a good person. I love vanity, I want to save face. When I first came to this city, I was very rustic. I was afraid that my classmates would laugh at me, so I went to the reading room of the library to read those fashion magazines and look up clothes on the Internet. I want to be like the girls in those cities Like that, with a slender figure and a good temperament... I am so greedy, I want everything... But now, I only feel regret. If those days come back again, I will calmly hold my parents' arms and go shopping with them Visit Nantah’s campus and introduce them to roommates…”

She wiped her tears, and her tone gradually calmed down, "I have roughly talked to Yu Ke about these things, and I don't want her to follow my old path. In fact, there is really nothing shameful about being poor. What is shameful is being alone. mentality. Just like me at that time."

The sound of breathing has changed from rapid to fine and soft. After such a recollection, her side face rubbed against his soft sweater, as if she had lost all her strength, she slowly wrapped her arms around his waist and said in a low voice: " Every year when the Spring Festival comes, it is also the saddest time for me. Although my family used to be poor, I could cook sunflower seeds with my mother and watch the New Year together during the Chinese New Year. Then something happened to them, and I lived in the school cafeteria, and I was alone in the dormitory. Later, Professor Peng always asked me to go to his house to celebrate the New Year, and my teacher's wife would cook a lot of dishes...but those didn't feel like home. Su Ruhao..."

She slowly raised herself up, wrapped her arms around his neck, and made a small plea: "Let's celebrate the New Year together this year, shall we?"

At that moment, his mood was extremely soft.Those limited words are combined in my mind and scattered again.There seemed to be a small vortex in my mind, and those emotions swirled in small waves, smashing all the language abilities, until they were defeated.

Xia Huixi's eyes dimmed little by little, and finally said slowly: "Are your parents still abroad? I'm sorry, I think you should too..."

She didn't let her finish these conjectures, Su Ruhao thought, what actions can express her thoughts at this moment?

Their lips touched each other lightly, but he didn't kiss deeply.But being so close, every time he opened his mouth to speak, he would inevitably brush past her warm and soft lips. The murmurs and whispers between lovers, word by word, fell to the bottom of her most disturbed heart.

He smiled softly, messed with her hair as usual, and pressed against her forehead again: "Fool... I'm with you, I'm not going anywhere."

Naturally, dinner was not finished, and Su Ruhao didn't prepare any ingredients, so he called and ordered a pizza.It was almost ten o'clock when it was delivered, Su Ruhao stood up and asked her, "Aren't you leaving tonight? I'll go and get out the clothes from last time. You change first before eating."

Xia Huixi flushed her face in the bathroom, and said "yes" through the door.

There was no light on in the bedroom, and it was dark.He opened the cabinet door, touched the dress with his fingers, and couldn't help but think of that sentence - "His face is faintly visible in the mist, and he is smiling at me."

Xia Huixi poked her head in from the door: "Can I eat first? I'm so hungry."

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by her, and he responded to her with a natural smile: "Eat first if you are hungry."

The living room was full of the strong smell of cheese and bacon. Because I was hungry, I ate very quickly at first, but then I felt a little bored.Xia Huixi pushed the plate away, and carefully looked at Su Ruhao's eating.Although he ate fast food, he took small bites, without rushing, and his posture was quite good.

He glanced at her and smiled apologetically: "Do you not like food?"

She held her chin and looked curious: "You used to eat this every day when you were abroad. Would you get tired of it?"

He didn't answer, just smiled: "Tomorrow we will cook by ourselves."

This reminded Xia Huixi, she looked at the stack of newspapers on the coffee table, frowned and said: "I want to watch that program, I have to contact CRIX, at least the advertisements all over the city are withdrawn, or It’s okay to put another photo. At this time, it’s not good for everyone’s image to combine charity activities with me.”

Su Ruhao obviously didn't expect her to be so calm, so after a pause, he nodded and said, "Okay."

I searched for that video on the computer again, and clicked to watch it.The picture is not clear and the sound is noisy. It is not a professional shooting, it should be recorded by the audience.Xia Huixi turned off the video after seeing half of it, and lost interest: "Don't watch it."

I originally thought that the part that was cut off by the TV station was released on the Internet, but it seems that it was really just a coincidence, and it happened that when my photos were flying around the world, I couldn't hide it even if I wanted to.

After staring blankly at the blank screen for a while, Su Ruhao pushed her: "Call."

Xia Huixi looked at the number, Professor Peng called, she had a slight headache, presumably he knew about it, otherwise the old man would have had a rest so late.

When he picked up the phone, he couldn't help feeling a little panicked, and his tone was apprehensive.

As expected, Professor Peng immediately asked, "I watched that video, what's going on?"

She really didn't dare to be negligent, so she hurriedly explained the cause and effect, and finally said in a low voice: "I really don't know why she died suddenly when something like this happened. When I went to see her in the hospital, she seemed to be in good spirits." not bad."

Professor Peng didn't speak for a while, and finally said: "I see. Your school work is finished, right? I'll go to the courtyard to explain, and you will be responsible for the selection and proofreading of the collection of essays. There is nothing else, you can do it at home." Row."

It's really reasonable, Xia Huixi was very grateful, and said in a low voice: "Thank you, Mr. Peng."

On the other side, he let out a long sigh and put the phone on hold.

(End of this chapter)