the most beautiful time

Chapter 15 Beijing·Expression (2)

But I have also seen her warm and gentle moments.Once, after finishing her class, I forgot a book in a hurry, and when I went back to get it, I was hit by her singing at the door.I remember that she sang a Scottish folk song, that kind of melancholy and sadness, like the metasequoia forest washed by rain, clear and pure, and flowing all the way up, it is the light blue and lofty sky.She actually interpreted this song more beautifully than the original singer.That afternoon, I just stood sadly in the dim corridor, listening to her sing one by one.Those famous songs that sounded boring in the past, at that moment, all spread their branches and leaves as if they were infused with souls, with extraordinary charm.They infiltrated my young heart little by little until the bright colors reappeared.She sang for about an hour, and then stopped abruptly when I inadvertently coughed.The door opened quickly, and she glanced at me indifferently. The familiar arrogance and coldness immediately woke me up from the dream she created. I quickly went in, grabbed the book, and ran away.However, I will never forget the clear singing voice in that summer evening and the red and swollen eyes behind the lens.

Six months later, she divorced.This was extremely sensational in the conservative town at that time, and many rumors about her, like catkins in spring, flew all over the city for a while.Many things about her gradually became clear at that time, knowing that she had had simple happiness before, and if there were no accidents, she should be able to be with her lover forever.It's a pity that she loves singing too much. The first time she was pregnant, the baby was born prematurely because of singing too hard; the second time, because of this again, the baby died of suffocation because of the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck.She was finally unable to have children. Such a blow made her nervous and violent since then. Only when she sang to us in class, would she reappear the holiness and beauty of a girl; and only then , she is happy, a kind of happiness that no one can match, the happiness of the soul.

But more, it was rumored that she was going to Beijing, and that she might be employed as a teacher of the music school she graduated from.Sure enough, not long after, she proudly revealed to us that someone was helping her to apply for a household registration in Beijing. Maybe when we graduated, she would also leave the small town to pursue her long-awaited dream of music.At that time, she was full of energy and high spirits, like a child flying towards her ideal.We believed her words, and even started to envy her slightly.Some students who are going to apply for her alma mater humbly go to her frequently for counseling, and carefully test whether they can give some appropriate "help" during the college entrance examination.Amidst our compliments and admiration, she swept away the haze of the past, and her class was surprisingly impressive.

When we graduated from high school, she did go to Beijing.But none of the students missed her, especially those students who studied music that she tutored, and they didn't bother to mention her again.It was only later that I learned that all the "help" she had readily agreed to had turned out to be empty promises.At that time, we all thought that she was too selfish, just like she showed off, she could get things done with just a few words, but she was still stingy with her words and refused to help, so many students who were excellent in singing were in the re-examination. Sometimes, I miss my ideal.

At the class reunion a few years later, a boy she refused to help chatted with us happily about how he had frustrated her self-esteem and vanity in the audience because of his outstanding performance in the graduation concert. Lost, and burst into tears on the spot.A group of people laughed happily when they remembered all about her in the past.It was a girl who suddenly looked sad and said in a low voice: But, how much do we really know about her?Who would have thought that when she graduated from university, she was supposed to stay in school to teach because of her excellent grades, but she was eventually replaced by someone else.She used to love singing so much that she would throw away everything for it, but fate still didn't favor her.Later, she told us that someone was helping her to apply for a Beijing hukou, which was nothing but a lie, but she still resigned and came to Beijing for her dream.She thought that her former teacher, thinking of her past glory, would lend a helping hand, but no one thought of her anymore.She ran into walls everywhere in the capital, and finally had nowhere to go. Finally, she went to an elementary school and lived a life of playing the piano and singing nursery rhymes.She finally couldn't even sing her favorite bel canto.A woman who has fought for her ideals has finally lost to the ruthless reality. If you understand the pain of being rejected by ideals, you shouldn't do this again, and mock her to make matters worse.

It turns out that she is such a proud and admirable woman; it turns out that the struggle against ideals will be so difficult.Those gorgeous lies, beautiful singing voices, real tears, and all kinds of struggles and pains, who among us in the secular world will really understand?
I went to a friend's house with my boyfriend on the weekend, and the distance was a bit long, but we still rode on the second-hand car that cost 50 yuan from the flea market and hit the road.It is the cool autumn, and the distant mountains appear more and more clear in the clear weather. The maple leaves are as red as fire and penetrate half of the sky. Marshmallow.My boyfriend played a folk song, and I echoed it with the newly compiled lyrics. The two of us rode leisurely on the wide suburban road like an autumn outing. From time to time, someone would poke their head out of the speeding car. Take a look at the wicker full of chrysanthemums on my head, and whistle with a smile to show our leisurely hello.

In this way, it took more than an hour to get to my friend's house.When my friend saw our dilapidated bicycle covered in grass clippings, and two people whose hair was blown tousled by the wind, they exclaimed in surprise: Why are you so stupid? !You see, among the guests who came today, you are the only ones who are special, and none of the others came here by taxi.What I said made my boyfriend and I blush, and felt like a rural person entered a house with a clean floor in a provincial city. With those muddy feet, we didn't know whether to step in or stop.

Of course, the meal was not good, and a table of good dishes was in front of us, all of which lost their taste.My boyfriend felt that the men around him were laughing at him for not being able to earn money to live a comfortable life, and I felt ashamed in front of those gorgeously dressed women, as if everyone had seen the broken button on our bicycle bell.As a result, when we came back that day, the two of us took a taxi at the same time, and threw the car that brought us a lot of happiness when it came, into the trunk, like throwing away an ugly bug in a flower.

There is a new male colleague in the unit, and there is a woman who is good at gossip. I quickly inquired about this colleague's criminal record from other places, saying that he is good at borrowing money and has many schemes. If you get it right, you will be used without knowing it, so that you can help him get fame and thank him in turn.

At the beginning, I was also wary of him, always being careful, and basically never interacting with him.But later I discovered that this colleague did not seem to be as scheming as others said. On the contrary, he had tolerance and generosity that other male colleagues did not have. He never cared about women. Only my own name is signed on the manuscript.

So I began to abandon the initial grievances, opened my heart, and got along with him frankly.Sometimes at lunch, when we are tired of box lunches, we would go to the snack bar downstairs and order two appetizing cold dishes, a small plate of boiled edamame and peanuts, and watch the flowing scenery outside the window while eating, or talk about troubles of the past few years.This kind of time always feels short, like the little dish chewed in the mouth, the meaning is still unfinished.

Then one day, he said he was in a hurry and wanted to borrow 800 yuan from me. In fact, the money was in my drawer.But when I stretched out my hand to the drawer, I suddenly remembered the warning from the woman in the unit when he first came. I hesitated for a moment, finally coughed lightly, lowered my head and lied, and said that I was nervous and had just paid off this month’s mortgage. There is no excess.He didn't say anything, he just said that he would try borrowing someone else's again, but I could still see a bit of disappointment in his eyes.

The women in the unit took advantage of the fire and robbed him, saying that they knew that he was such a person, but I didn't listen to the persuasion, and insisted on being friends with him, why was he tricked me this time.My swaying heart, under the provocation of outsiders, finally stopped on the opposite side of a wide river from him, and refused to move forward.

He eventually borrowed money elsewhere, and the colleague who was willing to lend him the money took my place as a friend who sat by the window with him at lunch and chatted happily.As for me, because of a few rumors from outsiders, I can never return to the unimpeded time of working together with him.

Many times, we are influenced and controlled by the opinions of outsiders, like a layer of inferior glaze, painted on our original smooth and clean life, we know that they will fall off quickly in time, and be blown away by a gust of wind , but still anxious, lost, uneasy, self-blaming, and gloomy, and completely cover up the true background of life in such self-pity and self-pity.

(End of this chapter)