Engraved crush time

Chapter 5 Will I die if I close my eyes?Will it?

Jiang Caiwen's house is very large, with a space of more than 150 square meters. I always feel that such a space is too spacious for a middle-aged woman.

The decor of the house is the same as it was before I went to college.The chandelier on the roof of the living room is still shining brightly. The glass tea table is matched with the gray and white sofa, which is quite modern. Even the pillows on the sofa are the same, lying lazily on the sofa, like a naughty child.The only change is that there are more pots of flowers and plants on the balcony, and the evening wind blows into the house, giving off a faint fragrance.

Jiang Caiwen is very beautiful, I admit it.Even if time has left subtle marks on her face, it cannot conceal the fact that she was once a beauty.I've always been curious, why is such a beautiful woman always single?I always want to throw this question out, like throwing a volleyball, a very casual question and answer.However, later I suddenly realized that I had never been casual in front of Jiang Caiwen, even if I ate an apple when I was a child, I would still be terrified.Because I don't know if she will suddenly stand in front of me in a rage and knock out my half-eaten apple.

Don't think that Jiang Caiwen won't do this.She is a capricious and neurotic woman. Even though I have lived with her for 19 years, I can't fathom what she will do in the next second.Therefore, when I was very young, I learned to observe words and emotions, and learned to be cautious.In fact, this state is very bad, because every day I have to live in fear.

I still remember that when I was very young, the aunts and uncles in the alleys were all trying to introduce Jiang Caiwen to someone.She always takes me with her every time she is stubborn but goes on a blind date with her neighbors.At that time, I was only six or seven years old, and I wore my pigtails all day long, hiding behind Jiang Caiwen without saying a word.I have witnessed batch after batch of men sitting across from us. At that time, I had no concept of handsome and ugly. I just thought that men with stubble were monsters that could eat people. That's how it was played.So every time I saw a man with long or short stubble, he would hide behind Jiang Caiwen's back, holding Jiang Caiwen's clothes tightly with his ten fingers.Many years later, I still remember it vividly, because at this moment, Jiang Caiwen never gave me any violence, she really embraced and protected me like a mother.I don't know what Jiang Caiwen is always talking about with the man opposite, I can't understand.I just feel that the eyes of those smiling men will always drift to me, defenseless, this feeling makes me panic.I dare not say it, and I know that it is of no use for me to say it.So I tried my best to hide behind Jiang Caiwen, so that no one could spy on me.Fortunately, the conversations between Jiang Caiwen and those men were not too long. Every time Jiang Caiwen took my hand and left, I could see the tea in the cup still steaming, curling up like thin smoke.

Jiang Caiwen also had a long conversation with a man, the only time.I still remember that it was a very clean man with no stubble, wearing the same white shirt as Xiao Jiayi's father, and wearing a red tie. I didn't know it was a tie at the time, but I always thought it was our red scarf.He always smiles when he talks, and smiles when his eyes fall on me.He asked me what my name was. This was the first time a man sitting across from Jiang Caiwen asked my name.I poked my head out from behind Jiang Caiwen, and replied softly, "Jiang Hui." He smiled at me and asked me to call him uncle.I looked at Jiang Caiwen tentatively. Jiang Caiwen was holding a cup of tea to her mouth. After she took a sip like drinking wine, she said to me: "Jiang Hui, quickly call Uncle!" So I called: Uncle.

I don't know how long Jiang Caiwen chatted with that man. As a young and ignorant person, I don't have much concept of time. I can't even tell which is long and which is short.I just feel that the light of the sun outside the window has gradually become a little weaker, dimming little by little like an old man in his twilight.Jiang Caiwen stood up at this time, she patted my head, rather than a pat, I felt flattered, she smiled at me and said: "Little Jiang Hui, you are here to play with uncle Will you be okay in a while, mom, go to the bathroom." Before I could react, she stood up from my side and walked towards the other end of the tea hall.

Before Jiang Caiwen left, the man sitting opposite me began to ask me various questions like a teacher, such as "Have you studied?" "Do you like summer or spring?" "Do you like food or not?" Candy?" I sat blankly without saying a word.Without knowing where he came from, he took out a lot of colorful candies, held them in his palm and said to me: "Call me dad, call me dad and I'll give you candies."

I don't have much concept of the word "father", I just know that "father" will let me sit on his shoulders to watch the wonderful temple fair, hold my hand and take me to the zoo, and give me Buying ice cream and cool shoes, this is how Xiao Jiayi's father treats him, I suddenly feel happy, blushing and drooling and shouted: "Dad..." He was very happy because I saw his smiling face When I was in kindergarten, the teachers used to describe a person's happiness by smiling and blooming.He handed me a candy and said with a smile: "Call again, I will give you another candy..." I held the candy tightly in my hand, thinking about calling me again There will be two candies, and I will be able to give Xiao Jiayi one.So, I shouted decisively: "Dad..."

But I didn't expect that what was waiting for me was a fiery slap.Before I could react, the painful "pop" sound spread across my face.To this day, I still remember what Jiang Caiwen said to me: "Don't think that the man who gave you candy is your father, Jiang Hui, you don't have a father, you are an orphan!"

The conversation between Jiang Caiwen and that man came to an end in my wolf howl.The man didn't smile when he left, his expression was very serious, as if he had been hit by some kind of blow, and he was defeated, just like the one on TV.He put all the candies in his hand on the table, but Jiang Caiwen threw them all out of the window, even the candy in my hand.

After that time, Jiang Caiwen never met and chatted with any man again.Many years later, I finally realized that the essence of their meeting and chatting was a blind date, a blind date between a woman and a child.

Far away.I should continue to tell you about the scene in front of me. Xiao Jiayi and Jiang Caiwen were busy talking and laughing in the kitchen. Obviously, they didn't realize that I broke into their respective worlds silently.Yes, you guessed it right, I opened the door lock myself, and I still have the key to Jiang Caiwen's house.

Standing in the middle of the living room, I regretted it, this is going to be a tormenting night, I said to myself.It’s scary, isn’t it, when you face the person you have a crush on, it becomes a kind of suffering, so what does life mean, I don’t know the answer, I just try my best to keep my inner peace, with my hands stuck in my jeans at a loss pocket, and let out a heavy sigh of relief.It was at this time that Xiao Jiayi turned around and saw me. He nodded and smiled at me, then naturally opened the glass door of the kitchen, poked his head out and said to me: "Go and wash your hands first, the food is delicious. It will be ready soon."

I said "Oh" and went to the bathroom in a daze. I turned on the faucet, and the cold water slowly passed over my fingers, like the coolness that had been lost over time.

Dinner was great.Naturally, such a sumptuous dinner was not prepared for me, I was just an accompanying guest, and the protagonist was Xiao Jiayi.In Jiang Caiwen's world, I have never been a protagonist, even if I got the first grade in the school, even if I cleaned a pile of clothes, she never praised me, so I got used to her Indifference, used to the feeling that she ignored me.

This feeling is very sour, just like you peel an onion, peeling off its flesh layer by layer, and when the heart appears in front of your eyes, tears will always blur your vision unsuspectingly.

Xiao Jiayi and Jiang Caiwen are quite close. From the moment they sat at the dining table, the two chattered endlessly, revealing the adult past of Xiao Jiayi's bed-wetting when he was a child. The whole is like a couple who have been apart for many years mother and son.This is very good, I can hide behind the light like a kitten and eat and drink at ease, no one can see my sorrows and sorrows, and no one needs to see my sorrows and sorrows.

In the middle of dinner, Xiao Jiayi cast her eyes on me, and I was lying on the table eating a piece of ribs.Jiang Caiwen's sweet and sour pork ribs are very authentic, fragrant and tender, with endless aftertaste.If it wasn't for Xiao Jiayi's honor tonight, I don't think I would have the good fortune to eat this dish in my life.You don't know how mean Jiang Caiwen is to me. If it weren't for the guests at home, she wouldn't cook it for me alone.What am I? I'm just an orphan she picked up at the gate of the orphanage. If it wasn't for me, she would have married a diamond queen when she was young and enjoyed a life of luxury.So, just when I made up my mind to gnaw back all the sweet and sour pork ribs in the future, Xiao Jiayi shattered my dream, and the small ribs that I gnawed halfway fell on the porcelain plate with a bang, and I didn't have time to wipe it off. The greasy corner of his mouth just met his eyes.

Xiao Jiayi's appearance is very clean, this kind of cleanliness is close to pure.

But at this moment, I am afraid to see him, afraid to see this boy who has been hidden in my heart for more than ten years.

"Eat slowly." He had a smile on his lips.

"Don't worry about her, she's just a piece of wood, it's the same without her. Oh, yes..." Jiang Caiwen seemed to have suddenly remembered something, and said with a serious expression: "Is your mother's rheumatism better?"

"It's much better. The climate in Guangzhou is mostly hot, and she seldom gets sick after we moved there."

"That's good, that's good. You don't know how much she suffered when she fell ill. Every time she moaned in pain, she complained to me: 'I'd rather die than live. Will be tortured like this again.' Tell me, they are all women, why do they suffer differently? Is it the mission of women to endure suffering?" Jiang Caiwen breathed a sigh of relief, and continued after a few seconds of pause. : "Fortunately, your father was motivated and was transferred to Guangzhou. Otherwise, your mother's suffering would be endless."

Xiao Jiayi echoed, "Yes, yes."

"Also, if you have time, let your mother come back to live for a while. I have been an old neighbor for many years. I haven't seen each other these years. I miss it."

"it is good."

The dialogue between Jiang Caiwen and Xiao Jiayi gradually became thinner, like the applause of a concert, the enthusiasm at the beginning slowly faded away, leaving only a dialogue without a sentence.The room was very quiet when they were not talking, and I could clearly hear the crunching sound of the chopsticks in Xiao Jiayi's hand touching the plate, as well as Jiang Caiwen's slight sigh.I dread the silence as much as I dread answering a question I won't do.So I kept my head down as much as possible, and tried my best to develop towards the "wooden stake" that Jiang Caiwen called, so that no one would ask me this "wooden stake".

I know Xiao Jiayi won't let me go so easily, since he used Jiang Caiwen's trump card, he will definitely ask me why I avoid him.Several times when Xiao Jiayi and I inadvertently looked at each other, I always felt a coolness sweeping through my heart, like a tornado, making me unable to open my eyes and find my way.So, after eating, I stood up from the chair in a hurry, and when I wanted to help Jiang Caiwen clean up the table like a well-behaved daughter, she said blankly: "I'll clean up, you and Xiao Jiayi go to the living room to chat .”

I froze in place, at a loss, Jiang Caiwen took the chopsticks from my hand, I raised my head and glanced at Xiao Jiayi, who nodded heavily at me.

The light in the living room is warm.I fumbled for the remote and absently changed channels.

Xiao Jiayi sat one meter away from me, "Why are you avoiding me?" He hesitated for a long time, but still threw this question to me.

"I didn't run away from you, it's just that I've been really busy recently." I didn't dare to look at Xiao Jiayi.I know I'm not very good at lying.I remember that when I was young, Xiao Jiayi would always tell me that children who lied to me would have long noses, so I would touch my nose repeatedly and ask Xiao Jiayi if my nose was long, and Xiao Jiayi would always point to my nose at this time Said: "Jiang Hui, your nose is long, tell me, are you lying?" I shook my head in panic, touching my nose over and over again, I always felt that it was really as long as Xiao Jiayi said When it grows, it will always be so frightened that the wolf howls and cries loudly. While crying, I asked Xiao Jiayi: "Why do children who don't lie grow long noses?"

Why do children who don't lie grow long noses?Why do we always have so much happiness stolen by time?Why does fate play jokes on us one after another?Why do you come back after you leave?Why does fate refuse to let me go, and refuses to let me live with my conscience?
"Jiang Hui, if you have anything, please tell me, just like when you were a child. I don't want to..." Xiao Jiayi paused for a few seconds, and then said the whole sentence in a low voice: "I don't want to lose you."

The remote fell out of my hand with a snap, and the batteries rolled on the board.

I bent down to pick up the battery, the corner where the light was blocked by the tempered glass table was very dark, not so much naked light, I really want to carry this space for the rest of my life, so that no one can see how pale I am .

Jiangsu Satellite TV's "If You Are the One" was playing on the TV, and a few stupid women asked the male guest if he had a house and how much his monthly income was. These questions were ironic, women are always so realistic.

I changed a channel, then curled up on the sofa, picked up a pillow and hugged it in my arms, Xiao Jiayi looked at me, he didn't speak, and I didn't speak, neither of us wanted to break the tranquility at this moment.

Jiang Caiwen came out of the kitchen, she was still holding a plate of fruit with drops of water in her hand, she put the fruit plate on the tea table, then sat next to Xiao Jiayi and asked me: "Let's stay at home tonight. "

"I can't. I have to go to the store to count the work later." Without looking up at her, I lazily stood up from the sofa, "I have to go."

"Don't you want some fruit?" Jiang Caiwen asked me, pointing at the red apple.

I shook my head, "I ate so much tonight that I can't even hold it in my stomach."

Xiao Jiayi also stood up, "I'll see you off."

I was thinking of refusing, but the second I looked into Xiao Jiayi's eyes, I swallowed the words that came to my lips.

"Jiayi, come to Auntie's for dinner tomorrow. You can eat with Auntie so that you can have someone to talk to." This was the last sentence Jiang Caiwen said before I left the room. I was stunned for three seconds, and then stepped out the door.

It's ridiculous that my adopted daughter who has been fed by her for 19 years is not as good as a neighbor's child.I really envy Xiao Jiayi, who has father, mother and Aunt Jiang, but as for me, I have nothing.

After all, life is like this, there is no so-called fairness, whether we are used to seeing it or not, we still continue to crawl slowly according to the inherent track, from the beginning to the end, we have gone around a long circle before we find out that we Back to the starting point, it is normal, because the earth is round.Therefore, those who have passed by us may meet one day on a crowded street, but at that time, he may no longer be that him, and you are no longer that you.

"Jiang Hui, do you still remember when I was in junior high school, I always lost my mind in class, and the teacher asked me to get up to answer questions when I was unprepared, so I stood up numbly, and quietly swiped my finger On your back, you will always take advantage of the teacher's inattention and give me the answer..."

Xiao Jiayi glanced at me, the warm yellow street lamps enveloped us, and I could see his clean skin.He went on to say: "I still remember that every spring, many students would go to the playground to fly kites, all kinds of things. Later, I also bought a butterfly-shaped kite, and I asked you to fly it when get out of class was over. We can always fly the kite so high that we don’t even have class, and when a teacher comes to ask us why we don’t have class, we lie and say: Report to the teacher, we are in physical education.”

My fingers suddenly trembled slightly, as if the thin string that bound the kite was slowly loosening in my hand. To be honest, I wanted to let go of the string in my hand several times when I was flying the kite Let it fly freely, but I dare not, I am afraid that after it is out of my hands, it will be exchanged for freedom at the price of smashing my body.This kind of price is too terrible, so I can only hold it in the palm of my hand, and fly as high and far as I command.

I still didn't say a word, and listened to Xiao Jiayi's memories silently like a mute, but my hurried pace gradually slowed down.

Xiao Jiayi went on to chatter: "I was depressed when I first moved to Guangzhou, because everything around me was strange to me, the strange living environment, strange teachers, strange classmates, at that time I would always think of you and think of us together. Those days when I was growing up. People are always like this. When I am alone, I always feel lost. This kind of loss is like a worm in my heart, which swallows up the whole person bit by bit. So, when I was most lost, I I just remembered to write you a letter."

"I wrote that letter for a long time. I wrote it during get out of class, I also wrote it after class, and I continued to write it after I got home. I have a lot of things I want to tell you, so I wrote these words word by word. On the letter paper with red lines, the tip of the pen rustled on the paper, and with my breathing, the whole world suddenly became silent. Later, I finished the letter with great difficulty, that is, at that time, I Find yourself writing ten pages."

"It's just that I didn't mail it to you later." He smiled dryly, with the corners of his mouth slightly raised.

"Why do you regret it again?"

"Because I have no courage. Yes, no courage."

"Does it take courage to mail a letter?"

He suddenly fell silent, lowered his head, and casually kicked away the gravel under his feet, which "run" forward for a long distance under his white and blue sneakers when he was a child, but finally stopped and walked together. Xiao Jiayi also stopped, "Maybe it's like this for me."

"Okay, Xiao Jiayi, let's go here." I stood in front of him and looked at him, his eyebrows raised slightly, and after a while, they slowly relaxed.He is very smart, and recognized the "pun intended" in my words, "I'll send you off again, I don't feel at ease when you're alone."

"There is a farewell to seeing you off! Besides, I can take the last bus back here in a while." I pointed to the bus stop sign beside me.

"Then I'll wait until you get in the car before going back."

I said "oh" and stood in front of the bus stop sign, my eyes were fixed on the direction of the bus.Xiao Jiayi stood beside me, his eyes followed the direction I was looking, "Jiang Hui, you have changed." His voice was cold, accompanied by the evening wind, blowing into my heart, it was chilly.

"Is there?" I smiled dryly.

He stopped talking, and his expression was unusually serious, as if he was thinking about a math problem, earnestly and repeatedly.

Seriously, I want him to talk, and I want him to stop there.When people face a dilemma, they always want others to know, but they are also afraid that others will steal their secrets.This kind of contradictory mentality is also the most tormenting process, because of the contradiction, we don't know how to face it.

I stroked my bangs that covered my eyes, changed the subject, and said, "Xiao Jiayi, I'm very sad about grandma's departure, but I don't know how to comfort you. However, I still hope you can hurry up Well, I don't think she would like to see you so sad, to be honest, sometimes death is a relief for us." Although I never met the old man who passed away, she has always lived in The countryside, but Xiao Jiayi kept describing to me when I was very young, describing the small vegetable garden in front of his grandma's door. In summer, you can always see all kinds of seasonal vegetables and fruits, cucumbers with small yellow flowers, emerald green There are orange-red immature tomatoes in the bushes, and there will always be a small piece of watermelon in the depression. The vines keep climbing towards the door and produce watermelons with emerald green lines.Every time Xiao Jiayi came back from the countryside and described it to me, I was always envious, envious of the vegetable garden in front of his grandma's door, envious of those happiness that I had never experienced before.

Xiao Jiayi listened quietly, and when my voice fell, he spoke.His voice was very soft, like the wind, and even with a touch of bitterness, he said: "I know. Actually, I know it all. I also know what it means to me to lose a loved one. Suffering and sadness are all It’s nothing, the most important thing is that from now on, there will be no light in your life, as if you are living in darkness. So, I can’t wait to go back to Zhengzhou, I can’t wait to catch you, I don’t want to lose You. I can't lie to myself, and I don't intend to continue to lie to myself. "

The bus came swaying, and the glare of the light made it hard to keep your eyes open, "Go back." I said.

"I'll watch you get in the car."

And just like that, I stepped onto the empty bus and looked out the window as he waved at me, his eyes sparkling.

The night was quiet, a little suffocating.

Will I die if I close my eyes?Will it?

(End of this chapter)