Hunter and Hussar

Chapter 98 Dream

I never thought that this person could reappear in front of me so truly.His shoulders, his back, his hair, as well as the strange and familiar breath on his body, they are within reach, and I hold them tightly like I will never let go.Death is just a lie, and the departed will come back to us at some point, and I believe it, to the point where I want to take a bite on the shoulder.

"You are still so icy and cold, exactly the same as before." I muttered in convulsions.From the arms to the throat to the eyes, they were all out of control.I was so scared, afraid that if I let go, he would float away like sunshine or dust in front of me.

"You're still hot, too. Even though I know you're going to freeze." He didn't say anything, and there was no response from being hugged tightly. I seemed to hear the answer from my head instead of my ears.

"You're not leaving again, are you?"

"You are all back."

He still doesn't speak.I moved my head away from his shoulders and put it on his forehead, where there was no temperature, like a quilt or a desk in winter.

This is not him.I know.He won't ignore me.Even if you ignored me before, it was just pretending.If you put it on for 3 minutes, you can't hold it anymore, and you will turn your head immediately.

Maybe it wasn't him who came back, but myself, a shadow in my dream.

"You are so cruel. You don't even want to give me a dream." I was trembling, I don't know if it was anger or despair, or maybe both, and I couldn't help scratching the back of my hug.It hurts, I feel it, fingers digging deep through the clothes.

I know I'm always talking to myself.So, in my room, in my dream, I was still reminding myself not to deceive myself and others.

But I don't want to.I know I'm dreaming.I know that a dead person cannot be resurrected.I knew I would never see him again in my life.But I still want to see him.People can't always be that strong.For a vain dream, I need to accumulate a lot of courage for a long time.Even if it's a shadow, I can't watch him disappear again.

Maybe it was just what I was thinking, his head tilted slightly, and the warm smile finally appeared on his face.And his face is still cold, like the sun jumping on the frozen lake.Finally, he reached out and hugged me.I have thought countless times what I will say and do when I meet him again.Apologize, repent, don't talk nonsense, don't hesitate, and don't cry when you see it.There have been many things in these years, but compared to that cold and deep world, no matter how bad the place I stay is, it is warm.I should listen, listen to him, and keep my mouth shut.No matter what he said, I have to restrain and accept it.

But he didn't speak, and he refused to even say "brother".This boy was not him, or rather, not quite him.The dream gave him back to me, for a short time.He is not real, but the closest point between dreams and reality is that no one can fully control it, they can only go with the flow, coming from nowhere, going nowhere.It is full of possibilities, just like "now", there are things that have not happened but may happen.Based on this alone, I can temporarily believe that he is not just an illusion floating in my mind.

I know that my time is very short, and the time we will be separated after meeting this time will be very long.But at least for now, he will not disappear.Do something, do something.However, I was still sleepy and cold in my sleep.At the end of the year, in a room alone, even in my dreams, it is cold, so cold that I want to hug him.Maybe all I wanted was to hug him.Just like in the winter when I was a child, when he was close to me and coaxed me to get up, we were so close that I could hear his breathing, heartbeat, the slight movement of his ankles and arms under the quilt, and the gentle rubbing between his toes. Rusting softly, like a bird outside the window brushing the thick leaves in summer with its feathers, the light falls on any place it can shine, passing through the depression of the curtain, so that I can smell it on the floor , as if I smelled his scent, very close, making me believe that maybe this life and this life will not be separated, making me doubt whether growing up, aging, and death are inevitable journeys in life, and I can just stay here and spend them My whole life, coming and going as a child.

Is it a thing of the past?At least for now, the dusty walls of my hometown vibrate in the setting sun, twisting and twisting, and the world is like a spinning top, blurred and shaking.I didn't have fear or panic, and I couldn't arouse excitement and expectation. I just stayed by his side in the invisible reality and illusion, at a distance where I could hear and smell him.Time is not so important anymore, it is like the peanuts I peeled off on the glass table while sitting on the sofa in the past. I got close to the dark red layer of skin, the hemp house, the red curtain, and there lived a fat man in it. He would always read this riddle that was guessed at the beginning, which made me anxious and shy , I want to tear off the astringent red layer, I feel the bitterness in my mouth when I touch them, the hemp house, the red curtain, there is a white fat man living in it, he is still talking, I am still enduring, only When I completely uncovered and tore off that layer of red skin without leaving any traces, the not-so-white core of my fingertips turned smoothly in my hand, stared at, played with, and thrown on my head again. I catch it, but I no longer have the desire to eat it. I can no longer imagine that it will be swallowed in my stomach.So, like this, I played with it, he watched it, and sometimes I used it as a playmate, but more often it was a peanut used as a toy.This is time, I think, at an early age, when he was around me.Tired from playing, we leaned on the sofa and entered our respective dreams in various postures that we didn't need to think about, like shrinking into a hemp room without red curtains.The wind blew through the open windows, and the debris on the table was scattered, seemingly falling into many corners, never to be picked up again.It is not the eyes or ears that feel all this, but the toes that are motionless and huddled together when they are tired. The faint gap between them contains all the things that are happening that cannot be noticed, and they quietly pull up for us together with the wind. The dark green curtains also urged the whole body to move forward.

I know we're moving forward, even where it's just me and him.I heard it, the sound of the wind was replaced by the siren, and the steel axles were constantly turning around. A train spraying endless mist sometimes enveloped the whole body, and sometimes spread slowly, revealing the black silhouette of the train, so it was always firm Roll over the rails and drive forward without moving.We are in it, curled up in the narrow seat, covered with a light quilt, still tired, still cold, we can only get closer, closer.The blinds were pushed up and down by someone, so the sun and the gloom alternated over and over again, on our faces hiding in the quilt.I was thirsty from the long dryness and cold and exhaustion, but I didn't reach for a little water on the cluttered table.I don't need water right now, what I need is to put my face against his, to get a better feel for the light that hangs in when the blinds go up and down, and the sound of everything moving forward, and The breath that can remain in the breath only when we are asleep, we are being painted, smeared, chorused, solidified, carved, and blended into the smoke floating above the track and sleepers.

When I woke up again, I was curled up in the thin quilt, alone.I seem to be only wearing a tank top and shorts, so I'm even colder.With his back to me, he was wearing a long black coat with his hands in his pockets, like an adult.Wearing that orange hat, it looked extraordinarily abrupt and strange.

Are you going?

He was really walking around, leaving the carriage we were in, not in a hurry, as if he was going to an ordinary place that he would go to every day.I knew that one day it would be like this, so for a while I continued to huddle in the quilt and remained motionless, just as he was still going away, still not saying a word.But staying in the same place seemed to make me colder. It seemed that the cold urged me to go forward barefoot, wearing that layer of quilt, and chasing him.At this time, I knew that I was going to chase him.The old, dirty carpet was much stiffer than expected, but the dusty felt was so comfortable underfoot that I felt like I could catch him.The lingering light and shadows formed a mottled forest on the ground. I stepped across them without stepping on any sharp or small things, like stepping on clouds or in a dream.

Finally, I grabbed his shoulder as he stepped out of the car door, the glove, and the glove came back to my hand, giving me more confidence to catch him.But just for a moment, he immediately landed on the platform as if he had penetrated my palm.The white mist in the chimney of the locomotive is rolling and spreading, and most of the platform is buried in its solemnity, like a lingering chorus, and the repeated voice fills the space within sight.He didn't look back, didn't say goodbye, didn't leave any words, just walked into the depths of the mist.The end of the long coat was lifted by something, maybe the wind, more likely the sound of the railroad tracks or the smell of the sleepers.Maybe because I knew the car might start moving at any time, maybe because I was afraid that he would disappear in the next second where I could see him, so I closed my eyes and jumped out of the car door.

The moment I jumped out, I began to resent myself, resenting hesitation, resenting hesitation, resenting myself for only reaching out now, wearing the gloves he gave me but still not being able to catch him, or even myself.And the falling is too long a process, I even have a longer time to chew those resentments, swallow and digest, to enrich my blood and body and mind.But my body tells me that I am still in an unknown space-time tunnel, where there is only me, and always only me, a birth or death that seems to be endlessly stretched, and only I bear it.

Maybe it's been too long, in the air, I feel my arms are tired, and I want to move my legs.So, I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn't see anything except the empty whiteness.After my body acted instinctively, something knocked on my forehead, my brain dangled with the world that was gradually going up and down, and the slow fall still didn't stop, but I was not quite sure if I had stopped down.There was a voice behind me, not mine, much less his.

It belongs to that girl.

"Go back. People can't dream for too long, otherwise they will float to the ceiling."

go back?But what about going back?
"Wei Wei, what's wrong with you?"

Someone was wiping my face with paper.Yes, falling asleep, thinking, I cried again.Her movements were light and fast, while my body was very heavy, as if I was tightly pressed by something, and I couldn't breathe at all.It was like this a few times when I was sick and had a fever. The person became a piece of meat that could not move. He could perceive everything that was happening, but he couldn't even open his eyes.The whole world is still as silent as a piece of white at this moment, like the small room where I live alone, narrow and cramped, surrounded and squeezed by walls, and the cold spreads wantonly.Unless you deceive yourself, there is no chance of getting back anything lost here.Everything will come to naught, not even the cycle of pushing the stone up the hill, there is no such stability.Why do people live and why do they die?There is no hope in life, and there is still nothing in death. Where should people go?

"Wei Wei, don't be afraid, I'm here. Why don't you wake up?" She put her hand under the quilt and gently pinched my shoulder.A sudden sense of weightlessness, I seem to be a person suspended somewhere, with uneasy fear, gradually descending, falling back to a certain place.

When I sniffed and opened my eyes, my sister helped me up and put a hard pillow behind me so that I could lie down more comfortably.Why do you cry when you fall asleep?Have a nightmare?She pulled out another piece of paper and tried to hand it to me.I didn't answer, but subconsciously touched my legs and belly under the quilt.Only close-fitting autumn clothes and long johns are left.

"Rogue! Why are you taking off my clothes and pants!"

This was my first reaction after waking up, as if I brought back the hidden resentment and hostility towards myself in my sleep, accompanied by the shame of being discovered or peeped.I hate it when people watch me cry.Crying is the most embarrassing thing, and it is still in front of my sister.

"White-eyed wolf." She threw the paper she was going to hand me to my face, together with the whole pack of tissues in her other hand.After throwing it away, he turned his head and walked out angrily through the dark room.

What the hell am I doing?
There was no hesitation this time.After crying and rushing out of the quilt to catch up with her and hug her, I was even more disappointed in myself.Every time I know that she is doing it for my own good, but I still deliberately provoke her again and again, and even drip tears on her shoulders.

"Go back to your quilt." She sniffed, "How many times have I told you, don't run around without shoes, this is not your own home. You will never listen. If it weren't for Xian Xian I'm gone, I don't want to care about you at all."

She hasn't played the strings for a long time.I don't know what to do other than cry and apologize.It's been a long time since she was so angry that she shed tears. Today is the Chinese New Year, and what I just said is simply not human.I am the rascal, she is right, she is a white-eyed wolf, she should never have so many obligations to me.

Did she go back to the room with me, probably trying to send me back under the quilt.

"My brother took off your clothes and pants for you. I just made the bed and covered you with a quilt. If you don't believe me, just put on your clothes and go down to ask him. He is playing mahjong with grandpa." She pushed me back on the bed and helped me again. I wrapped myself in a quilt.It was extremely cold outside, and I shivered after only staying in this way for a while.

"No one will care about you next time. If they care about you, they will be scolded by you. Who will suffer this for nothing? Just watch you lie outside like this stupidly, and freeze to death."

I flinched, wiping my tears with my sleeve.Seeing my appearance, she frowned, knelt down to the edge of the bed, straightened her body, grabbed the paper towel that had fallen on the side of the bed, and pulled out another one for me.Take this and wipe it.she says.How old is he, and he is still the captain, that's all he can do.

After I wiped away my tears, she handed me the sweater for me.I put it on with a snap, and she sat quietly by the bed, listening to the sound of static electricity.The sun had completely sunk, leaving only a little surviving light in the room.She watched me in the dark.

"I was dreaming."

I admitted it, and told her the whole dream in detail.Without saying anything, she got up and came to the head of the bed, putting her arms around my neck.I thought she was going to pinch me, probably because I thought she had the qualifications to pinch me hard, and it wouldn't be over until half dead.But she didn't, she just rubbed my face with her furry sleeve.

"I'm being a bit mean. I didn't mean to be harsh. Wei Wei will always be my brother."

"Don't apologize. I'm not good at all, and I don't deserve to be your brother." I raised my hand above my head, and she held it tightly.It's a little cold, I feel so uncomfortable.

"sister."

"I'm here."

"You beat me up. I really deserve a spanking."

"It's good to know." She smiled, "Write it down, and we will settle accounts together when we have a chance."

"Then you must remember."

"Can't forget."

"but……"

"what happened?"

"It's so boring to live. But I'm so afraid of death."

"Oh."

"When I think of people dying, I don't want to move."

In fact, it is not appropriate to say such a thing, "It's a big Chinese New Year".If Dad heard it, he wouldn't whip me like he used to, but he would definitely tell me to shut up too.I used to say that it was fun to die, but now I am no longer that childish.

"Wei Wei will not die, we can live for a long time."

"How long does it matter if you live? You still have to die."

"Then, I will accompany you to the end. Wei Wei will go first, and my sister will come to you alone, is that okay?"

"No! Sister, you have your own life! Don't waste your time on me!" I yelled again, but it wasn't that violent, and I begged a little more, "Please, you don't have to Protect me again."

"My sister is very happy when you say that. After all, Wei Wei has grown up." She put her chin on my head, "Although it is still annoying sometimes."

"You must like Xianxian better."

"I like you both."

"So who do you like better?"

"Why do you have to ask this?"

"you answer me."

"I like you better."

"Liar."

"Do not lie to you."

"Then you must think that Xianxian is excellent and I'm useless at all, so you want to help me. It's like Tang Seng is always facing Zhu Bajie, a stupid apprentice."

"You said that yourself." She laughed, and stretched out her hands from behind her head to grab my face, "Come on, let me pinch your face a little bigger, so that you look like an old pig."

I snorted, not quite like a pig squawk.

"But I just like you more, especially when I was a child, but I never told you. You are always very quiet. You won't be like him. When you see me, you rush to hug me, and you don't let go no matter how much you shout. He is too active I like quiet boys.” As she spoke, she pulled a lock of my hair as if doing research, “Don’t feel that you are inferior to Xianxian, and don’t think that all the advantages belong to him. He is always He, you are always you, you have different personalities, there is nothing wrong with it. Adults do always praise him, but Wei Wei is very good, there are some things that only you can do, and Xianxian can't do it either."

"Yeah, such as making you angry, such as shrinking under the quilt and refusing to get up, such as crying when something happens, I have no idea at all."

"So what? People who don't even cherish their own lives will certainly not cherish the lives of others. You are much braver than yourself, and you have proved it to everyone time and time again. It is because you told me Your dream, after you said those words, I feel that Wei Wei has really grown up." She rubbed my hair like washing vegetables, but fortunately, I washed my hair seriously before I came back today, so it won't be too soon Greasy, maybe that's why she kneaded so happily, "Wei Wei, 'No matter how sad it is in this incomprehensible world, the world is still beautiful'. You told me a year ago that you were going to quit Literary club, go to the football club to join the school team, do you know what I think?"

"You are not happy, I not only ran away, but also troubled you to help me quit the club."

"That's not it! I pulled you to the literature club because I was afraid that you would not know what to do. But you made your own decision and chose to return to the court. Do you know how happy I am? On that day, I If you believe what you just said, this world is a beautiful place.”

She scratched my ear, like teasing a well-behaved Shiba Inu.

But I don't know why I want to get back on the court.It's not because of inheriting my younger brother's dream, nor because of Lao Ye's strong invitation, and it's even less likely because of Mi Le - he seems to play football for me.Is it me who like football?All I can say is "okay", not that much.Sometimes it is always difficult for people to explain their own behavior, but other people can give a lot of meaning to this kind of thing that they can't figure out.However, as long as I can make my sister happy, I am willing to continue playing.Even though it's the last half year.

I will definitely not tell her these thoughts now, but in the future, maybe I can talk to her again.

"By the way, today seems to be the first time my Wei Wei hugged me from behind. I was so angry that I was going to die, but it seems that when you hug me, I immediately calmed down. It's amazing..."

While she was talking, my cell phone rang. It was a video call from Mi Le.

"Sister, sister, help me pick it up! Me, I'm going to wash my face!"

I threw the phone to my sister and quickly lifted the quilt.Wear shoes!She didn't forget to tell me before hitting the connect button.Don't worry, I'm wearing it this time, although I'm also in a hurry.I can't let him on the other end of the phone see that I just woke up with red eyes.

So, after a long time, I didn't think much about life and death.

(End of this chapter)