Hunter and Hussar

Chapter 86 Wishes
12:30.I sat in the diner eating duck blood vermicelli soup.The off-white duck liver is wrapped with a faint bitter taste. I didn't like this part the least when I was a child, and I always eat it first, so that the rest of the soup is full of things I like.But today, this kind of rich bitterness brings me a different taste. Maybe the sun is too cold, and the duck liver that I don’t like makes me feel satisfied.

The phone rang.Huang Minxue called, but it was Mr. Huang on the other end of the phone.He asked me where I was and if I had lunch.I said I was eating outside the hospital.He told me that everyone is fine, go back with peace of mind, and if you have anything to do, you can directly contact him or learn from him.I said no problem, thank you teacher.Teacher Huang didn't say anything more, only one sentence left, thank you for your hard work.

"Is that you?" A girl's voice sounded from across from me, followed by the sound of the bottom of the bowl falling firmly to the table.I looked up and saw it was Meimei.

"It's me. What a coincidence." I put down my chopsticks.

"What happened to your hand? Did you get injured in the game yesterday?"

"I was pulled and dislocated. I guess I won't be able to play again this semester."

She turned and went to the front desk.After a while, I came back with a small dish of duck liver and duck intestines, and a small rice crust, which I poured into my soup.

"Thank you. What would you like to drink? I invite you," I said.

"No need." She waved her hand.So, we started to eat hot vermicelli soup again.

"What's written on your hat? It doesn't seem to be English." She lowered her head and asked.

"It's...well, Viva la vida, which means 'Long Live Life', is the name of a work by a Mexican painter, and it's Spanish." I thought I pronounced it right, and learned what I had been taught.

"It matches you very well. Whether it's this hat or this sentence." She said, taking a bite of the dark red duck blood.

After eating for a while, she asked me if I was used to eating with one hand.I said it was fine.When we had finished eating, we went out into the street.I think it's time to say goodbye.Before she had time to talk, she asked me where I was going, and I said I would take the bus back to school.She said, let me take you to the station.

The sycamore leaves are falling one after another.Some have been dry and withered, and some are still half green and half yellow.It fell into the street and we accidentally stepped on it, making a crunching sound.This is the last bit of movement they left in this world.I heard it, and walked over, thinking about my dangling left hand.It didn't make any sound at all, as if it was in deep sleep.When she arrived at the station, she still had no intention of leaving.So sitting on the bench waiting for the bus, we watched a car gallop away with dead leaves.

"What are you thinking?" Meme asked me.

"I'm wondering if I'm running away again." As I said, I saw the sycamore leaves being carried up by the vehicle slowly drifting into the muddy water on the side of the road.

"why?"

"Someone apologized to me today, in a...very special way. I could see her effort, it was sincere. But the person who really needed to apologize is no longer there. I can't accept the apology for him, nor I couldn't forgive him. So, I left in a hurry. I seemed to run away again." I looked at her on the other side of the chair.She let out a sigh of relief when she heard it. It's not winter yet, and there is no white mist.

"So, does this matter to you?"

"Related. It can be said that I should apologize with that person instead of accepting her apology. My sin is no less than hers."

"Huh? How should I put it? Be specific."

"It's like, I'm the one who piles up the firewood, and she's the one who kindles the fire."

"Where did the fire burn?"

"My house, her house, they all burned down."

"But no one wants to burn their house down." She moved closer to me, looking into my eyes.I turned my gaze to the ground, looking at the trampled leaves.It was torn apart, and the body that was finally preserved was covered with dirty mud.

"You don't need to comfort me. Isn't manslaughter murder? Legally, the sentence may be mild or severe, but what about conscience? Oh, 'I didn't mean it', but the person is gone. So what if it wasn't intentional." What? No difference."

"You mean about your brother?"

nod.It was no surprise to be seen through.I made my words very clear.

"Did you find the person who lost the bottle?"

"No. I bumped into it. It's a coincidence. I met it suddenly yesterday."

"I knew you didn't look for it." She shook her index finger near her mouth at me.

"why?"

"You are not a person who can act vigorously and do what you say. You don't have that kind of action. Even if you find it, you will be at a loss. Am I right?"

"You're right." I had to admit.She didn't speak anymore, I rested my chin on my hand, and continued to look at the vehicles that stopped for a while and then hurried past.The car I was waiting for was still delayed, and no one knew which intersection it had reached.

"Unhappy?" Seeing me staring blankly at Malu, she poked my right shoulder with her finger.I shook my head, there are too many unhappy things to say, and if you tell the truth, it won't make me sad.

"After knowing that Xianxian was hit by a falling object, I really wanted to find the murderer. But I have been delaying... I think it's not just that I'm not capable enough, I don't know how to do it. If I want to do it, I will always There is a way. I just want to procrastinate, there is no other reason. Maybe I know very well in my subconscious mind, what can I do if I find that person? Kill him? Impossible. I have no courage, and... ...I don't want to be a bad person. I have done many wrong things, and I can't go on wrong. What else can I do? Let him go to jail, repent, and pay compensation? Others have done these things, and me? Maybe I am afraid, afraid of me If you find this person, you will have the opportunity to put all the responsibility on him, and let yourself be debt-free. But I also have Xianxian's blood on my hands, and I can't forget it. I met that person in the past two days, and I have a clearer awareness I realized that there is no difference between me and her. We are all guilty, sins that cannot be redeemed. Xianxian can't come back, there is no forgiveness in any case, and there is no remedy."

"I interrupted. Has the murderer been sentenced? Has he been punished?"

"She was sentenced to three years, although there was a probation. Things in her family were a mess. Her husband and daughter died early, and the conditions were not very good. She drank and played cards every day, and this incident ended. After she came out, her hair was all over. To put it bluntly, there is only one son left, who is as old as us."

"So, let me ask you, do you think you need to be punished? Even if it's an unintentional mistake."

He nodded without hesitation.

"At first, I thought about asking my parents to beat me up. But after Xianxian left, they never beat me again. Everyone around me was very kind to me, even taking care of me a little too much. The better I am, the more I feel that I don't deserve this kind of preferential treatment. I feel that I will also be sentenced. I don't know how long the sentence will be. Even if the heaviest punishment is awarded to me, I have nothing to say. But there is nothing, Not a word of scolding. In fact, she is also like this. We have not received the punishment we deserve. Now that I think about it, maybe no punishment is the punishment we will receive. We are destined to bear our own sins to the end of our lives. Actually... I used to Many times imagining, imagining myself talking to Xian Xian, hoping that he can answer me. But you also know, this is impossible. I can't hear anything. I also think that one day I will die and see him, Kneel before him and ask him to forgive me, just like that aunt kneeled before me today."

"So, besides accepting punishment, have you ever thought about what else you can do?"

"I don't know, and I don't know."

"I guess, you don't know what your brother really wants. Therefore, you lack goals and don't know how to live without your brother. Or, before losing your brother, you didn't think about how people should live, and you didn't think about life. What is the meaning of it. Is that so? It’s normal, we were all children at the time, even now. However, you go to play football, go to the literature club, is it because you feel that your younger brother likes football and literature more? Do you want to try Be like him?"

"I don't know. To be honest, I don't understand why I came back to play football, so I went there in a daze. Before entering junior high school, I didn't touch the ball for two years. I didn't watch the game."

"Then do you like football yourself? Do you like literature?"

I bit my lip and thought about it, and told her I didn't hate it.

Not bad.I don't like playing football.I played it, you wouldn't guess it.When I was very young, I had the same hair as a boy, and I wore short-sleeved shorts. In December, the cold wind blew through.Dad wanted to raise me as a boy.Barely propped up in the wind, I followed him, practicing passing and catching.Don't use your toes, use the inner instep.He taught me so.Sorry for not talking about myself.You have to know that whether it is playing football or studying, it is your own choice, not imposed on you by anyone.Even if you don't like it very much, at least you don't hate it.And your choice happens to be similar to that of your younger brother, which is a very happy thing.she says.

However, I can't be sure if my brother wants me to choose this way.The living cannot really imagine the world of the dead.I can't take my own wishes as my brother's wishes.Moreover, if I have achieved self-realization in football and literature, it is only self-realization.If I regard this as redemption, "fulfilling my brother's wish", then I am a selfish and disgusting person, blindly moving myself.Nobody has the right to "inherit" his dreams, I've said that to my bunch of friends.Now that Xianxian is gone, there is no way for anyone to fulfill his wish (not to mention that this wish is just our self-righteous imagination), because no one can replace him.He is human, uniquely human.There is no other string in the world.I said.All his wishes belong to him alone.

What is your wish?What is the meaning of your life?How should you live?She said, and handed me a piece of chewing gum.Don't worry, you can think about it and relax.But to be clear, I'm asking about the meaning of your life, the meaning that belongs to you alone, not anyone else's.

Chew repeatedly.Sugar juice and saliva splashed in the mouth.It occurred to me that by the time I'd chewed out its sweetness, let it fill my saliva, rub it into a candy wrapper, or spit it casually on the street, it would germinate where it fell, sticking Sticking to everything that comes close to it, merging itself with them.Maybe life is a piece of chewed, sticky chewing gum that is spit out in any corner. It can't control everything around it and sticks to itself, whether it's dust or impurities.

"In the past two days, I have talked with many people about life. First, I discussed with a seriously ill friend whether people have the right to end their own lives. Then I talked with another person. He is willing to use his whole life to make up for the loss of his relatives. I don’t hesitate to make mistakes and destroy myself. My point of view is very consistent. People can’t give up their lives, no matter what the purpose is, selfish or selfless. But I can’t come up with many convincing reasons. I can only find ways to impress others. Maybe you hear my thoughts and think they are too childish to be worth mentioning."

"No. But I want to ask you a question. I remember you memorized a poem, Wen Tianxiang's "Song of Righteousness". 'Heaven and earth have righteousness, mixed with manifolds.' Do you think Wen Tianxiang gave up his life? ?”

"I... I didn't mean that. I, I mean, man, he can't..." I stuttered suddenly, jaw banging against the roof of my mouth when I got agitated or tense, and I heard the teeth chattering. Trembling.

She told me not to worry, speak slowly, she will listen carefully.I stabilized my chin with my hand.

"Wen Tianxiang did not throw away life in vain, but brought it to the extreme. There is only one life, and it is limited, but some great deeds can change it from limited to infinite. A hero's death is decisive and rational, and he clearly Clearly and clearly know where you are going, and you will never stop or look back. One must realize that life is precious—not just one's own life, but also the lives of others, and only after that can one be qualified to make sacrifices It is also true that sacrifice is tragic. I heard from my friends that the Communist Party also encourages young people to sacrifice for the country and honor, but that is false. Many are a little bit older than us, or even as old as us Children, they are deluded by this kind of fanaticism and ignorance, throwing their lives into the fire casually, and finally nothing is left. This kind of death is not tragic, it is worthless, it can only be said to be sad. This is not the age of war , but there are still people who die tragically, and people who die sadly. But what about my brother? What about his death? Life slips away before we can find meaning in it. This kind of death is only sad. Myself What? It's sad, and it can only be sad."

"So, you haven't found the meaning of your life yet?"

"Not gonna lie, there really isn't. But I feel like it has meaning. I was talking to another friend about it this morning. He also couldn't tell what it meant to be alive, but he could play guitar and sing, and he It can release a kind of life energy. Just when he played, he and I could feel that life is not empty and empty at the same time, it is not just the dry and boring that I found in the darkness and absurdity, it also has the kind of vitality Full and expansive, it’s wonderful. However, my friend is a man of his word. Even if he shrinks and hesitates sometimes, he can always force himself to face the difficulties. There is a difference between me and him. Just as there is always a difference between the sick and the healthy, the dead and the living. He is clean and has done nothing wrong, so there is that certain emotion and power that death cannot block What do I have? The blood on my hands, it can't be washed away. How dare I talk about the meaning of life? Life has meaning, and I destroyed Xianxian's life and meaning, and I also destroyed my own."

"I just want to ask you a word." She moved her hand away and looked at me coldly, colder than today's sunshine.I subconsciously nodded.

"Are you alive, or are you dead?"

I dare not look her in the eyes, something stabs me in the calmness and peace.

"I...I am definitely alive. But my life may have no hope for a long time, it is no different from death."

She stood up abruptly and walked in front of me, a shadow that was not too tall suddenly enveloped me.

Snapped.

A slap hit my cheek.The strength was not small, and my face was turned away.Instinctively, I lowered my head and covered my hot face with my right hand.Instead of being outraged by the attack, I just lowered my head next to the dangling arm.I don't remember how many times, but my sister warned me that if she said anything else, she would slap me.She hasn't slapped it once, and it more or less made me look forward to it.Today this wish came true, although it was another girl who slapped me.

"I did it for your brother."

"Should."

"You still have the nerve to say it? It seems that you know exactly what you are talking about?"

Another slap came, on the other side, left and right.Now both sides are hot and symmetrical.

"This time I want to beat you myself."

I dare not answer.She sat down beside me.

The first time I saw her cry, her body was shaking slightly.

"I'm very angry. I can't bear this kind of self-righteousness. To be honest, you are a good person, educated, very peaceful, trustworthy, and have your own ideas. More importantly, you know how to understand others and care for others." Others. Otherwise, I don’t want to talk to you at all, let alone beat you up. I am so disappointed by your words. I believe that every friend of yours will want to beat you up when they hear you say this. You are wasting and Waste your most precious time, people can't treat their own life like this. Your experience makes me sympathize, and my reflection on myself is also very valuable, but that's not the reason you said that, it's not..."

"But, I, I didn't want your sympathy." I covered my eyes with my remaining right hand, not wanting to cry in front of others, "I don't need anyone's sympathy. I have received too much love Who do you think I am? Complaining every day, like a beggar, begging for a little love from others, begging for "it's not your fault"? I don't think so. I don't want to talk about myself at all, and I don't Don't want to bother anyone. It's just that sometimes, I really can't help it... But it's usually talking about other things. I have never taken the initiative to tell anyone about my experience except you. I don't want comfort. Everything is self-inflicted, I'll be fine with it."

"It's kind of like that. Now that you put it that way, I think we're kind of alike. I never tell anyone about my experience, though I mentioned a little bit. Yes, sometimes I can't help myself. Maybe you are too. Would you like to hear my story?"

Wiping his eyes, he nodded.

　The word that may be omitted here is still fascism
　　
　
(End of this chapter)