Meet you in the most beautiful years

Chapter 8 Beauty is always sad (2)
On the evening of July 7, Zhang Zhao and his best classmate Wang Hualian arrived at Shen Congwen's residence as scheduled.

At that time, the young writer, who was exhausted by Yixiao, wrote his painful love in a letter to Wang Hualian in order to express it in more detail:

Because of loving her, I ruined my life for the past six months, and I couldn't do a single thing.I just plan to go far away, so that she can study quietly and save me from distress.I also want to fight a serious battle to the death, lest the entanglement will never be clear.

... But if she has a chance to clarify her meaning a bit, if she doesn't want me to love her, tell me, if she wants me to love her, tell me too, so that I can decide "here" or "he goes".

After Wang Hualian finished reading the letter, Shen Congwen asked many details related to Zhang Zhaohe. Even the slightest touch could blow a hurricane in his heart.The tormented love made him give up his self-esteem in front of the students. He talked about all the entanglements caused by this hopeless love, and when it came to his sadness, this man who had followed the army to several provinces and was not afraid of death and slaughter, actually It was hard to hide his true feelings, and he lost his voice in grief several times.

——"Does she have love for me? Will she need my love in the future? If she doesn't need it now but needs it in the future, I can treat her for five years."

——"I don't know about this, but as far as I know, if you ask her seriously, she will answer you with a child's reason, 'I don't want', because the question is urgent, and she can't answer it for a while, so she will give you an answer." You can choose 'yes' or 'don't'. When it comes to the future, the future is always a bit uncertain, maybe it is hate now, but it will become love in the future, maybe it is love now, but it will become hate in the future, it is all unpredictable, how can it be What's the proof?"

——"She doesn't love me, so why didn't she return my letter to me? I have already explained that the best way to resolve this dispute is to return my letter to me..." ——Here Crying bitterly - "She is always silent. This keeps me entangled, and it is inconvenient for each other, maybe it is a bad thing."

—— "... But I want to ask, what Mr. Shen needs now is a word from her, or what?"

——"I also know that she doesn't feel the pain of life now, maybe she will want me in the future, and I am willing to wait for her, when she is old, until she is [-] years old." ("Cong Wen Jia Shu")
That night, Wang Hualian wrote to Zhang Zhaohe the contents of her conversation with Shen Congwen.Although it is a retelling, the pain and suffering can still be read.Deep in love, people are lonely.At that time, Shen Congwen was already in love with himself.Originally, he only wanted to get an answer of "do you want him to love you?", but he was afraid that she would say "no" flatly, so he would never have this poor opportunity to confide.He did not dare to imagine such an ending, nor could he bear such pain.

So he humbly compromised again, from initially determined to ask her for an answer, to as long as she acquiesced to let him wait, he would rather continue to torture her for ten years, until her youth was gone, until she was willing to want him.

It's really sad to think about it, this elegant and excellent young man is so humble because of love, how cruel that girl must be.For more than half a year, even a mound of ice should have been melted by this affection.But she didn't believe it anymore, and remained indifferent, watching him helplessly lose his soul for her.However, her heart is not in turmoil, she is hesitating, the existence of this love.

On July 7, after receiving Wang Hualian's letter, she wrote in her diary:
But I am a mediocre girl, I don't know what love is - the love that poets and novelists linger in the books and praise! ... I have always doubted the existence of this "love", but after their severe rebuttals (especially Yun), I became confused again, although the reason for the existence of love they saw was the same as mine, It's only one-sided.

She hesitated, but still followed Wang Hualian's suggestion. On July 7, Zhang Zhaohe took all the love letters written by Shen Congwen to Shanghai by car, and decided to ask Hu Shi to come forward and return the letters to Shen Congwen.

At six o'clock in the evening, Hu Shi received Zhang Zhaohe at his home in a secluded alley on Jisifeier Road.After Zhang Zhaohe explained the reason, whether on purpose or not, Hu Shi began to praise Shen Congwen, saying that he was the most promising genius among Chinese novelists.He also mentioned it repeatedly with deep feelings: "He worships Ms. Zhang really to the extreme."

However, the young woman who didn't know how to feel sad replied: "There are too many people like this. If I deal with them one by one, then there will be no chance to study."

Hu Shi pondered for a moment, then said, "Mr. Shen loves you very stubbornly."

She replied without thinking: "I am very stubborn not to love him."

Afterwards, Hu Shi wrote to inform Shen Congwen of this situation: "My observation is that this woman can't understand you, let alone your love. You have misused your affection." The woman boasted that she once broke Shen Congwen's heart."

Yes, you must struggle—at that time, Hu Shi's words were so considerate and warm.He understood the pain of Shen Congwen struggling in this hopeless love, and also knew that Shen Congwen's heart was about to be crushed by this woman.He understands the sanctity of this love and is moved by it, but he feels it is not worth it. A woman who does not understand or understand this sacred love is not worthy of Shen Congwen's tragic and deep affection for her.

Back home in Suzhou, Zhang Zhaohe is still the immature and ignorant Miss Zhang Jiasan.On a summer night, the bright moon was in the sky, and the cold moonlight filled her boudoir. She tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. Thinking of the person who was sad because of loving her, she had many complicated emotions entangled in her heart, so she had a long talk with her second sister Yunhe all night .Although these two famous ladies are elegant and graceful, their experience of worldly emotions is immature.Zhaohe stubbornly believes that the external emotions between people are nothing more than mutual use; Yunhe retorts: there must be a kind of emotion, which is pure love that is not stained with common sense.It doesn't matter whether she wins or loses the debate, what matters is that her heart gradually becomes soft and clear during the debate.

In Shanghai, Hu Shi once suggested to Zhang Zhaohe: "It is best to write a letter to him yourself, and then express your attitude." After returning from Shanghai, Zhang Zhaohe followed Hu Shi's suggestion and wrote the first reply letter to Shen Congwen, with a very clear attitude. , To end this emotional entanglement.In her opinion, the reason why this entanglement lasted so long may be, as Mr. Shen himself emphasized, because she has not replied to express her attitude.

No one knew how the tide would surge in Shen Congwen's heart when he received this reply.However, many years later, when the protagonist of the story is old, a memory of Yunhe reveals a trace of information, which is so desolate that people want to cry.

It was the early winter of 1969, and the 67-year-old Shen Congwen was about to be sent to the "May [-]th Cadre School" in Hubei. Before leaving, he was sorting out books and newspapers in a messy room. His second sister, Yunhe, went to see him.At that time, Zhang Zhaohe had been sent to the lower levels ahead of schedule, and he lived alone.

The house was in such a frightful mess that there was almost nowhere to go.Books and clothes are piled up on the table, on the chair, on the bed... everywhere is gray.I asked him, "Second Brother Shen, why is it so messy?" He said, "I'm about to be sent down! I'm taking care of things." But he put his hands in his pockets and didn't do anything.He was standing by the bed, and I couldn't find a chair to sit on, so I had to stand by the table.I said, "Decentralization?! Can I help?" Brother Shen shook his head.Since I couldn't help, I turned around and wanted to leave.Second Brother Shen said: "Don't go, Second Sister, look!" He took out a wrinkled letter from his bulging pocket, and said to me with tears and smiles: "This is Third Sister ( Refers to Zhang Zhaohe)'s first letter to me." He held up the letter with a shy and gentle expression on his face.

I said, "Can I have a look?" Second Brother Shen put down the letter, and seemed to give it to me but didn't want to give it to me. He put the letter on his chest to warm it, but he didn't give it to me.He stuffed the letter in his pocket again, and the hand grasped the letter tightly and never came out again.I thought, I'm so stupid, how can I read other people's love letters.I was looking at him amused, and suddenly Second Brother Shen said: "The first letter from the third sister——the first letter." Then he started to cry, and the nearly 70-year-old man was crying like a child. Happy again. (Zhang Yunhe "From the First Letter to the First Letter")
After many years, I came across her first reply letter by chance, and he was still like a first love lover, happy and sad, how tenacious and gentle this timeless emotion is.The past is in front of me one after another. The deep love back then, the unswerving steadfastness and hard waiting until death, is the most holy love flower, so beautiful that it breaks the heart.

According to Wang Hualian, Shen Congwen, who received Zhang Zhaohe's reply, cried sadly for a long time.He understood her rejection, but he also understood that compared to her silence for more than half a year, this was an ice-breaking move.He loves this little woman deeply, and he respects her stubbornness, but even if his heart is hurt more by her, he will never stop loving her.

When rejecting him, Ms. Zhaohe said in her letter: "A person with a great future is not worth sacrificing for an ignorant woman who doesn't understand love", but whether it was worth it or not, Shen Congwen's letter was still sent into her hands.There was a subtle change in his attitude, he loved her undiminished, but this love was more indescribable and firm. "If it is your misfortune that I love you, your misfortune will last as long as my life." He told her so clearly that as long as he was alive, no matter the ends of the world, his love for her would last until death.

As long as I love you, I will always sacrifice what should be sacrificed. If I find out that I also love you when I die, I don’t need to persuade you to die.Or you can only feel sorry for the stupidity of men at this point, but when you arrive at another time, when you love someone, you will understand that you also need the stupidity of men, and you will not be able to avoid making sacrifices that are "not worth the sacrifice" up.

Every time I see you, I feel a kind of sadness in my heart. I always feel that there is a slavish self-consciousness where I give my whole life and get nothing in return. I completely lose my personality and self-esteem.Obtaining it clearly is a kind of pain, but I also cherish the source of pain very much.What I call "stubbornness" is this inextricable fateful attachment. ("Cong Wen Jia Shu")
Although I waited for her reply, it was the most undesirable ending.At this time, the three insiders put forward different suggestions to Shen Congwen: Hu Shi told him to continue to wait, Wang Hualian told him to teach with peace of mind, but Xu Zhimo advised him, "When you can't stand the trouble, it's better to leave." He felt that he couldn't bear it, So he chose Xu Zhimo's suggestion.So he wrote a letter to his beloved little woman, guiding her upward plan in life, and at the same time prepared to leave with this love for a long time.

I stay here, in my eyes you are like the rainbow and the sun, so that I can't stop myself from falling in love is a matter of course.I am afraid that my uncontrollable nagging and other people's gossip will damage your peace of mind, so I still love you when I leave here, and I try my best to make this love a well-intentioned design. ("Cong Wen Jia Shu")
In September 1930, with the help of Hu Shi and Xu Zhimo, Shen Congwen left Shanghai China Public School with the melancholy of losing his love, and came to Wuhan University as a teaching assistant.

Frustration, sorrow, sorrow, and unrequited longing tormented Shen Congwen, who had just arrived in Wuhan.He was extremely uncomfortable, insisting on working while having a nosebleed, and his bad mood made it difficult for him to blend in with the strange environment.At the end of this year, he wrote to his friend Wang Jizhen in the United States:
Wherever I go, I always look like I am receiving favors, so I am easily angry and suspicious. When I see anyone, I want to scold him and bite him.I just want to beat myself up, beat myself up.

Because in Shanghai I fell in love with a woman, an ordinary woman in common clothes, with a black face, but I didn't manage well, and I felt that life was tasteless. ... This year, I also put down the article.It always seems inappropriate to go anywhere, and you can never squeeze into the ease of others, so every day only adds a kind of sorrow. (Letter to Wang Jizhen in 1931)
However, he didn't know it at this time, maybe it was God's mercy, this hopeless love had already begun to survive.

The new semester begins, and Shanghai China Public School is as usual.However, the person who loved her deeply was missing from sight, and the elegant young man who was obsessed with and sentimental for her was no longer seen on the podium, and the faint sense of loss was like the grass after harvesting in the wheat field, growing gracefully in the bottom of Zhang Zhaohe's heart.

When a woman's heart is surrounded by love, she doesn't think it is a precious possession. When all of this suddenly becomes blank one day, she will slowly mature and redefine what was lost.She began to sort out this relationship from the beginning, recalling it carefully, trying to understand his heart, and gradually regarded his encouragement and care as warmth.

This ignorant little girl, at this time, her first love is like a new willow in March, slowly waking up under the kiss of the spring breeze.

I have drank many kinds of wine, but only loved one who is at her best age.

I should be proud of myself...

(End of this chapter)