Meet you in the most beautiful years

Chapter 39 This arrogant world confused me (3)
"You know what? I'm a woman. Women's sky is low, their wings are thin, and their burdens are heavy! And what a nuisance, too much self-sacrifice in women. It's not bravery, it's cowardice It is the inertia of self-sacrifice developed in a long-term state of helpless sacrifice." The moonlight covered Zhengbei Road Street in Xi'an.Xiao Hong was wearing an old caramel-colored padded jacket and a small black coat, and the night wind blew her long hair outside of her felt hat.As she walked, she said to Nie Gannu who was about to go to Yan'an with Ding Ling: "I love Xiao Jun, and I still love him today. He is an excellent novelist, he is a comrade in thought, and he has struggled together through adversity! But being his wife is too painful! I don't know why you men have such a big temper, why you use your own wife as a bag, why you want to be unfaithful to your wife! It has been too long to endure humiliation... "

She talked about Duanmu Hongliang again, and about Duanmu's pursuit of her.To Nie Gannu, this was just a confession, and he thought that Xiao Hong would never choose Duanmu no matter what.

I know she hates DMs, she used to say he's a coward, a snob, a sycophant, putting on airs all day.But I immediately thought, these few days, DM didn't seem to let go of every opportunity to get close to her. Could it be that he is attacking her?I remembered Xiao Jun's entrustment.I said:
"Fly, Xiao Hong! Do you remember a few words from the fairy tale of Ailuo Xianhe: 'Don't look down, the place where the slaves die is below!'..."

——(Nie Gannu's "In Xi'an")
However, she finally came together with Duanmu.At the beginning of April, Xiao Jun, who had already transferred to Yan'an, suddenly came to Xi'an together with Nie Gannu and Ding Ling.As soon as they arrived at the residence, they saw Xiao Hong and Duanmu walking out of Ding Ling's room together. The moment they saw Xiao Jun, they froze for a moment. Then Duanmu, who was pretending to be calm, came over and hugged Xiao Jun.

After Xiao Jun entered the door, he fetched a basin of water and was washing the dust off his face. Xiao Hong walked in and said to him with a smile: "Sanlang, let's part forever!" Answer: "Okay!" Hearing this word, Xiao Hong walked out quickly.

If he was not so calm, if he begged, Xiao Hong might have forgiven him, and reconciled with him as before.She is looking forward to it.However, Xiao Jun will always be the man who would rather bend than bend. After this calm answer, he has nothing to do with her.

In April 1938, despite heavy artillery fire and frustrated emotions, it was still a colorful spring.How untimely this spring!A couple who were once in distress have now become strangers this spring.Is it the curse of time?Or a ghost of life?This spring, Xiao Jun and Sai Ke left Xi'an and went to Lanzhou.After that, he never saw Xiao Hong again, and after saying "good", he walked out of her world gently.This woman he had fought with his life to rescue, this woman who had been with him for six years, all the legends and myths were over at this moment.

In Lanzhou, Xiao Jun and a group of friends from the literature and art front were engaged in anti-Japanese and national salvation propaganda work. There, he met Wang Defen, the second sister of Lanzhou's "Wang Brothers and Sisters Little Theater Troupe". The two fell in love at first sight and fell in love at first sight. They got engaged, and published an engagement notice in the "Republic of China Daily" on June 5.

After Xiao Jun left, Xiao Hong returned to Wuhan with Duanmu, and held a wedding with Duanmu Hongliang at the Datong Hotel in Hankou in late May.That day, Xiao Hong wore a purple-red velvet dress that she made herself, and a pair of yellow half-heeled leather shoes. The color matching was obviously extremely inconsistent. If Lu Xun was still alive, he would definitely not agree to her dressing up like this.However, despite the incongruity, despite the fact that she is pregnant with Xiao Jun's flesh and blood, and even though the groom is not her favorite, this wedding is the only wedding in her several emotional journeys!
Hu Feng was the host of the wedding. When he asked the couple to fall in love, Xiao Hong said something like this: "I have to say that I have no romantic love history with Duanmu Hongliang. It was I who decided to separate from Saburo forever." At that time, I discovered Duanmu Hongliang. I don’t have any high requirements for Duanmu Hongliang, I just want to live a normal married life like ordinary people. No quarrels, no fights, no infidelity, no ridicule, some It’s just mutual understanding, love, and consideration. I deeply feel that people in the situation like me need more status. But Duanmu has made sacrifices, and I am very satisfied with this.”

She spoke plainly, but she never forgot Xiao Jun.Later in Chongqing, when she went to Hu Feng's home, she happened to see a photo of Xiao Jun and his new wife.

Once she came to visit me alone at my house, and my wife showed her the wedding photos sent by Xiao Jun recently.She didn't make a sound for a long time after watching it, seeing that this was a big blow to her feelings.She left in a hurry without waiting for me.

——(Hu Feng's "Mourning Xiao Hong·Preface")
After losing the man who hurt her but loved her deeply, her emotional life is only left with the simplest wishes, understanding and consideration.However, in the eyes of her friends, her choice this time was wrong again and again.

Duanmu was born in a landlord family, the youngest son of his mother, with a weak personality and lack of responsibility.After marriage, Xiao Hong not only took care of his daily life, copied manuscripts for him, but also had to come forward to apologize and resolve the troubles he caused.What is even more intolerable is that once he changed his praise of Xiao Hong's works before marriage, he replaced them with contempt and interference.

Jin Yi went to see Xiao Hong once, and Xiao Hong, who was writing at her desk, whispered to Jin Yi that she was writing an article in memory of Lu Xun.Unexpectedly, Duanmu, who was sleeping next to him, was awakened.

This slight sound aroused the curiosity of the sleeping man, rubbed his eyes and got up, and said in a slightly contemptuous tone:
"You write such an article again, let me read it, let me read it..."

He really looked at it, then laughed contemptuously again: "This is also worth writing, what else is there to write..."

Regardless of other people's embarrassment, he let out such a sly smile, Xiao Hong's face turned redder, and said with a little anger: "You don't care what I do, you write well, if you write yours, I won't hurt you." Why laugh about your business!"

——(Jin Yi "Mourning Xiao Hong and Man Hong")
A friend asked her: "My friends don't object to you leaving Xiao Jun. But can't you live alone?"

She said: "Why should I live alone? Because I am a woman?" She regretted being a woman.Later, when her life was nearing the end, when she summed up her life, she said bitterly that she lost because of being a woman.In that era, women were subordinate to men, no matter how strong she was, she could not be stronger than fate.

In August, the war in Wuhan was tense, Japanese planes bombed indiscriminately, and people from the cultural circles gathered in Wuhan were evacuated one after another.Xiao Hong and Duanmu were about to retreat to Chongqing, but only got a ticket.Xiao Hong suggested that Duanmu go first, and leave with acquaintances if he stays by himself.Duanmu did not insist on resigning, leaving Xiao Hong with a big belly behind, and went to Chongqing alone with the only ticket.

It was not until mid-September that Xiao Hong left the war-torn Wuhan with her friends.

When the ship arrived in Yichang, her friend suddenly fell ill. When she and Duan Gongshuang, editor of "Wuhan Daily", sent her friend to the hospital and returned to the pier, it was already dark.Carrying heavy luggage and being nine months pregnant, she staggered along the cold and dark pier. Under her feet were criss-crossed cables and iron chains.Suddenly she tripped over the rope and fell on the empty pier.

After many years, Xiao Hong told Luo Binji about this sad past with moist eyes. Luo Binji later recorded her feelings at that time in "Xiao Hong's Biography".

She lay there, it was a kind of peace she had never felt before, there was no one around, she looked at the sparse stars in the sky calmly.She thought: "It's going to be dawn! A policeman will come over! The policeman must be surrounded by many people. What does it look like? Let's struggle!" But she had no strength, and she didn't bother to move her hands. ,forget it!What's the point of dying?What is life!

——(Luo Binji's "Little Biography of Xiao Hong")
She later lamented that she was always walking alone.In the past, she traveled from Northeast to Harbin, from Shanghai to Japan to Beiping. Now that she has Duanmu, she still has to go alone.Her wandering life has no end, no harbor is reserved for her, and no one's embrace is her permanent reliance.

In November of this year, she gave birth to a baby boy in Jiangjin, Chongqing, who died a few days later.It was that fall on the pier that ruined the only blood connection between her and Xiao Jun.

In May 1939, the Japanese army began a large-scale bombing of Chongqing. Alarms and gunpowder came one after another, and Chongqing instantly became a city of fire.Fortunately, on the recommendation of Sun Hanbing, the provost of Fudan University, Duanmu found a job as the editor-in-chief of a series of books in Hong Kong Great Times Bookstore.So in January 5, Xiao Hong and Duanmu flew from Chongqing to Hong Kong.

I thought that if I left Chongqing, I would be out of the sea of ​​suffering filled with gunpowder. Unexpectedly, Hong Kong during the Anti-Japanese War was an isolated island full of suffering.

She went there with the hope of living, but in this desolate world, where there are places of death everywhere, where is there a way for her to live?

Due to the chaos of war, childbirth, and running around, her physique is deteriorating.After arriving in Hong Kong, she and Duanmu founded "Time Literature" with Zhou Jingwen, a well-known Hong Kong celebrity, and devoted herself to writing when she had a little spare time.In just two years in Hong Kong, Xiao Hong successively completed two novels "The Legend of Hulan River" and "Mabele", as well as short stories "Back Garden" and "March in a Small Town".In Duanmu's words, creation is Xiao Hong's "religion".

In July 1941, when her body was at the limit of support, she had a medical examination at the Queen Mary Hospital, which Smedley had contacted for her, and the result was tuberculosis.With the support of Zhou Jingwen, she was admitted to Mary Hospital for treatment.The ward is especially stuffy in summer, so she was moved from the third-class ward to the balcony, where she could breathe fresh air.

"Eat a slice of apple with me!" she said to her fellow patient, a female worker in Hong Kong.

The female worker could speak Peking dialect and had a second-stage lung disease, so she resigned.

"You want to eat a piece of apple." Xiao Hong said, "Because both of us have no relatives or friends to care about in this world, if you don't eat this piece of apple with me, you will regret it; One year, a man named Xiao Hong and I recuperated in Mary Hospital, we ate apples together..."

——(Luo Binji's "Little Biography of Xiao Hong")
In early November, she was discharged from the hospital and returned to her home in Tsim Sha Tsui, Kowloon. In mid-November, Duanmu sent her to Queen Mary Hospital again because her condition worsened.However, in late November, she couldn't bear the harsh attitude and environment of the hospital, and after a difficult four-party declaration, Yu Yifu, who was visiting her, took her back to her apartment again.

During this period of time, it was Luo Binji, a fellow from the Northeast, who often stood by her hospital bed. In the autumn of 1941, Luo Binji came to Hong Kong from the occupied Shanghai and joined Duanmu and Xiao Hong who had settled down.When Xiao Hong was seriously ill and hospitalized, he became her last relative.

When she wanted to leave the hospital, but Duanmu was nowhere to be seen in the hospital, and no relatives signed for her, she lay on the hospital bed, helplessly and longingly, and said to Luo Binji: "If Xiao Jun is in Sichuan, I will send him a telegram. Ask him to pick me up, and he will definitely come to pick me up."

At that moment, needless to say, scenes from many years ago appeared in front of my eyes.She must have thought that when she was in the First Municipal Hospital of Harbin, when the hospital refused to treat her because she could not afford the medical expenses, Xiao Jun rushed to the doctor in a hurry and said, "If you can't cure my person today, if she can't treat me from now on Die, I will kill you and your whole family!" What a domineering denunciation, what a deep love!But when he opened his eyes and heard her say: "Honey, you won." This domineering man burst into tears instantly.Now, why is everything turned upside down? Why is the person who cared for her and loved her so much back then no longer by her side? Why was she lost?She missed him so much that her heart ached.

On December 1941, 12, the Pacific War broke out. The Japanese army bombed Kowloon in the early morning and blocked the ferry from Kowloon to Hong Kong.In the early morning of the next day, under the arrangement of Yu Yifu, the vice president of the Northeast Anti-Japanese National Salvation Association, Luo Binji smuggled the seriously ill Xiao Hong to Hong Kong and temporarily stayed at the Sihao Hotel on Xuechang Street.But only a few days later, the hotel was destroyed by artillery fire, and Luo Binji took Xiao Hong to many places, and finally took refuge in the dormitory of Times Bookstore.

Duanmu was ready to break through at this time, and he finally appeared in front of Xiao Hong, but he came to say goodbye to her.Although the order to evacuate has not come for a long time, he has no intention of staying with Xiao Hong who is ill.

Luo Binji asked Xiao Hong in puzzlement, how could he live with Duanmu for three or four years?She said: "If the muscles and bones are in severe pain, the skin will be numb if it bleeds." After experiencing the pain of grievances and grievances, it is so sad to say these words.

"I should have separated from T (referring to Duanmu) a long time ago, but I didn't want to go back home at that time, and now I'm going to surrender in front of my father. Come down, I never thought I would have today!"

——(Luo Binji's "Little Biography of Xiao Hong")
As she said, Duanmu is not someone who can share troubles with her.The person who can share troubles with her only wants to be the hero of her previous life.

On Christmas Day, December 12, the Japanese army marched straight in, the governor of Hong Kong surrendered, and Hong Kong fell.

Hong Kong has become a city of allure.All residents are fleeing, progressives are arranged to leave Hong Kong secretly, friends from cultural circles are evacuated in batches under cover... only Xiao Hong, lying on a stretcher silently, enduring the pain and the sound of gunfire, how much she wants to stand up. Get up and leave with your friends, leave this island of gunfire and smoke.However, she can no longer.

On January 1942, 1, when her condition was endangered again, she was sent to Hong Kong Sanatorium and Hospital, a private hospital.The hospital diagnosed it as a tumor in the larynx, and immediately cut her larynx for surgery.However!When the throat is cut, there is nothing but inflammation in the throat!The so-called tumor was actually a misdiagnosis by a quack doctor!Absurd and desolate world!What is killing her again and again?
In wartime Hong Kong, there was a shortage of medicines and medicines, especially aspirin and other medicines.Hearing the turmoil outside the house, Xiao Hong was lying helplessly on the hospital bed. Her cut throat could not heal for a long time. She wanted to speak, but she couldn't make a sound.At this moment, what she misses the most is Heilongjiang in the northeast, the house by the Hulan River with her grandfather buried in the back garden, and the father she has always hated. Now all these are calling her thousands of miles away.How much she wanted to go back to her hometown, surrender to her father, and tell him that she was wrong!
On January 1, she was transferred to Queen Mary Hospital for the third time.At the window on the right side of the courtyard gate, she saw the Hong Kong female worker who had talked with her on the balcony. She greeted the female worker with a slight smile on her lips. "If you don't eat this piece of apple with me, you will regret it; I want to keep a memory, saying that that year, a man named Xiao Hong and I recuperated in Mary's Hospital, and we ate apples together..." This In a word, it looks like a prophecy.

Her life is coming to an end.Besides Luo Binji and Duanmu, she has no relatives by her side.She lay peacefully in the ward on the sixth floor, like floating on a boundless island.She is at peace now, waiting for the moment when her soul returns home.

At twelve o'clock on the night of the [-]th, Xiao Hong saw Mr. C (Luo Binji referring to himself) wake up, with a concerned look in his eyes: "Did you sleep well?", smiled slightly, and gestured for a pen.

Xiao Hong wrote on the pad: "I will stay with the blue sky and clear water forever, so I will save the half of 'Red Mansion' for others to write."

When writing the first nine characters, Mr. C once said: "Don't think like this, why..." Xiao Hong waved her hand not to hinder her thinking.

He also wrote: "I have been treated coldly with cold eyes for half my life,... I am unwilling to die first, unwilling, unwilling." He threw a pen and smiled.At three o'clock, signal to take medicine; and eat half an apple.At this time, she was breathing through the copper tube at the throat, and her vocal cords were unable to pronounce, but her expression was very peaceful.And ask for a piece of paper to write: "This is the last apple you and I ate!"

——(Luo Binji's "Little Biography of Xiao Hong")
On the 21st, Luo Binji returned to Kowloon. Since the fall of Hong Kong, he has been thinking about the novel manuscripts that were left in his residence in Kowloon. When he returned to Mary Hospital in the early morning of the 22nd, he found that the hospital had been taken over by the Japanese army, and the door plate of "Great Japanese Army Field Hospital" was hung up.Xiao Hong and Duanmu were no longer in the ward on the sixth floor.

At around 9 a.m., he saw Xiao Hong, who had passed out, at the St. Tisfan Temporary Hospital temporarily set up by the Red Cross.

She was lying on the hospital bed with her face up, her face was pale, her long hair was in a mess, and foam gushed out from the incision in her throat.But her lips are still rosy, as if she met a shy and ignorant youth in a dream, and the corners of her mouth have a charming luster like red cherries.

At around 10:1942 in the morning, it was cold and desolate in the occupied Hong Kong.The female writer Xiao Hong passed away with endless regrets.That day was January 1, 22; the end of her life will always be fixed in the year of 31-year-old Fang Xin.

"If Xiao Jun is in Sichuan, I will send him a telegram and ask him to pick me up, and he will definitely come to pick me up."——Many years later, when I learned that Xiao Hong missed him so much when she was ill, it was already two Xiao Jun, the father of a child, has thousands of troops galloping in his heart, but he can only murmur that he has no more hands to help him.

However, I can't bear to forget each other. In order to save her, he went through fire and water and fought with his life.When the suffering and affection are gone, there is only a desolate big tomb in the heart, where love and youth are buried.

Xiao Hong once said: "My life is a life of taking poison. I am poisonous, and the animals that have been harmed are even more poisonous." A short life of suffering. "From now on, I will no longer cry. It's not that I don't have sorrow in my heart, but that this arrogant world has confused me."

In this arrogant world, there is no lover and hometown.She wandered all her life and was finally tired.How much she imagined what Xiao Jun described to her in "Insomnia Night", being his new wife, following him to the Shenjiatai market, and then happily returning home:

"I want to buy two donkeys when I go home in the future, one for you to ride on, and one for me to ride... first to my aunt's house, then to my sister's house..."

"Buy a black donkey, hang a bell, and walk... jingle lang lang lang lang lang lang lang lang..." When he described the sound of the bell, it sounded as if he had a bell in his mouth.

(End of this chapter)