Human disqualification

Chapter 1 Disqualification in the Human World
introduction
I've seen three pictures of that man.

The first one should be a photo of him when he was about ten years old.He was wearing a coarse striped kimono, standing by the courtyard pool, surrounded by many women (should be his sisters or cousins).His head was tilted to the left, about thirty degrees, with an ugly smile on his face.It's not that cuteness can't be seen from this child's face.It wouldn't feel hypocritical for people who aren't sensitive to looks to say things like, "That's such a cute little boy."But people who care a little about their appearance, even if they only take a look at it, will say "this kid looks really unattractive" with an unhappy expression, and then throw the photo away like a caterpillar brushing off their body.

The child's smiling face became more and more creepy.Of course, that wasn't exactly a smiley face.The kid clenched his fists, the way no one clenched their fists when they smiled, so he didn't smile at all.His face was full of ugly wrinkles, which were clearly the smiling face of a monkey.This expression is very weird and ugly, which makes people feel very uncomfortable. I really want to say that he is a "wrinkled-faced kid".The child's expression is too weird, I have never seen other children have such a weird expression.

In the second photo, he is wearing a student uniform. Compared with the first photo, his appearance has changed drastically.Although there is no way to tell whether it is in high school or college, but he is indeed a handsome student.Surprisingly, there is no sense of popularity from him.He was wearing a school uniform, with a white handkerchief peeking out of the breast pocket, and was sitting on a wicker chair with his legs crossed, smiling.This time he smiled very skillfully. Although it was no longer a wrinkled monkey smile, it was still a little less lively compared to ordinary people's smiles, which looked unreal anyway.This smile is not as heavy as a bird's, but as light as a bird's feathers.And it feels contrived.It is not appropriate to describe him with unnatural, frivolous and other words. To say that he is handsome is still a long way off.If you take a closer look, you will feel that this handsome student has an eerie air about him.The expression of this handsome young man is too strange, I have never seen any young man with such a strange expression.

The weirdest thing is the third photo. Although his hair has turned gray, it is still impossible to judge his age.The room in the photo was dilapidated (the photo was clearly taken, and the walls in the room fell off in three places), and there was a small brazier in the room, and he put his hands on the brazier to warm the fire.The picture is dismayed and ominous because he has no expression on his face, as if he sat there and died naturally.I could see his face clearly, even the wrinkles on his forehead, because his face was enlarged.After careful observation, I found that whether it was his forehead, the wrinkles on his forehead, or his eyebrows, eyes, nose, mouth, and chin, they were all ordinary, without any characteristics, and did not leave any impression on people at all.For example, when I close my eyes after watching a photo, I can no longer remember that face.Although I can remember houses, walls, and small braziers, I can't remember the main character's face at all.If I were to draw it, it would be even more impossible, and there is no way to draw him into a caricature.When I opened my eyes and looked at this photo again, I didn't even feel the joy of "ah, I remembered, it looks like this".Seeing the photo again, not only will not arouse my memory, but it will make people feel anxious, and even want to move their eyes elsewhere.

Even the faces of dead people are richer and easier to remember than his expressions.Even putting a horse's head on a human would feel much better than this.In short, no matter who sees this photo, they will feel uncomfortable.This man's appearance is really too strange, I have never seen any man with such a strange appearance.

First letter
Looking back on the old days, I feel endless shame.

I have never been able to fathom human life.I was born in the countryside of Northeast China, and the first time I saw a train was when I was a little older.In order to make it easier for people to cross the railway tracks, the station has specially built an overpass.I climbed up and down the overpass, thinking that it was just to make the train station as interesting as a foreign playground, and this idea has been in my mind for a long time.I think flyovers are one of the nicest things a railroad company can offer.The game of climbing up and down the sky bridge is very special.But I was disappointed when I found out that it was just a ladder for the convenience of passengers.

When I was a child, I saw the subway in a picture book. I always thought that it was designed and built because the fun of riding a car underground is much higher than the ground. I never thought that it was a design that was conceived for actual needs.

I have been in poor health since I was a child, and I was always sick, so I spent most of my time in bed.When I lay in bed, I think the sheets, comforter, and pillowcases are the most uninteresting decorations.In my late twenties I learned that these were all practical objects, and I couldn't help feeling sad about human frugality.

I don't know what it means to be hungry. Of course, I'm not that stupid, deliberately showing off that I grew up in a family that didn't worry about food and clothing.I just simply don't know what it feels like to be hungry.This may sound awkward, but maybe it's easier to say this—even if I don't eat, I don't feel anything.When I was in elementary and middle school, every time I came home from school, people around me would say, "How about it, are you hungry?" "Do you want some sweet natto? Bread and cakes are also available." At this time, I He will show his natural pleasing spirit, saying "I'm so hungry" and stuffing ten nattos into his mouth.In fact, I don't even know what it's like to be hungry.

Although my appetite is not small, in my impression, I have never eaten because I was hungry.I love eating food that is considered precious and luxurious in people's eyes.When I go out to eat, I force myself to eat even if I don't feel like it.When I was a child, the time of eating at home was probably the most painful time for me.

When eating in my hometown in the country, all the family members must be present. The meals are arranged in two rows, and a dozen people are also arranged in two rows and sit face to face.I am the youngest in my family, so naturally I have to sit on the far side.The light in the restaurant is not good, and the lighting is very dim. The scene of a dozen or so people eating lunch without anyone talking makes me shudder.I sat at the end of the dining table, shivering with chills, and ate my meal in small bites.I thought, why do we have three meals a day?And when everyone was eating, the expressions on their faces were very serious, as if they were holding some kind of ceremony.Every day when it’s time to eat, the family gathers in a dark room, lays out the meals, and even if they don’t want to eat, they have to chew the rice with their heads down. Maybe this is praying to the dead souls hiding in the house.

I think "if you don't eat you'll starve to death" is a disgusting threat.But I was disturbed by this superstitious statement (even now, I still think it is a superstitious statement).The idea that people work and eat to keep themselves from starving to death feels incomprehensible and even more threatening.

Until now, I have not been able to understand human behavior.I have a completely different conception of happiness from the world, and it scares me so much that I toss and turn every night, unable to sleep, moaning in agony almost insane.When I was young, people said I was happy, but I often felt like I was in hell.On the contrary, I think those who say I am happy are living a happy life that I have never been able to touch.

I even feel that I bear ten disasters, any one of which falls on others can kill them.

I do not know the nature and extent of the suffering of others.Perhaps the most intense pain is the actual pain that can be solved by simply eating. This pain is the most miserable hell, enough to blow away the ten disasters I carry.I don't know what's really going on, but they didn't go crazy, kill themselves, don't despair when it comes to politics, keep fighting with life, show indomitable spirit.Don't they suffer?They take selfishness for granted.Have they never doubted themselves?Did they sleep soundly at night?Do you wake up feeling good in the morning?What did you dream about?Do you think about things while walking?Will you think about money?Shouldn't that be the case?I used to hear people say that "people live for food", but I have never heard the saying that people live for money. Of course, sometimes...the more I think about it, the more I can't understand it.I feel like I'm the only one in the world who thinks differently, so I feel more and more intimidated, and I can't talk to others.

So I came up with the method of "funny" to solve this problem.

Although I am extremely afraid of humans, I still can't completely give up on humans, so I came up with this last way to court humans: funny.Ultimately this line connects me to humanity.On the surface, I always show people with a smile, but in my heart, I try my best to provide thoughtful services to people, and strive to complete tasks with only a one-thousandth success rate.

Even my family members, I have no way of guessing their thoughts, let alone understand their pain.The awkward atmosphere at home terrified me, so I became a great comedian, which also made me unconsciously a kid who couldn't express what I really thought.

All the other people in the photo are serious, and I am the only one who tilts his head and makes a grimace.It's my way of being funny in a way that's both childish and sad.

I never talk back to my family, and even small criticisms from them feel like a storm, so I don't know how to talk back.I think their criticism must be the eternal truth, and I have no power to refute it, and I have no way to defend myself.I don't have the ability to practice the truth, so I can't live with human beings.When others criticize me, I will blame all the mistakes on myself, and silently endure the condemnation of others, feeling only deep fear in my heart at the moment.

No matter who is condemned and criticized by others, they will feel wronged.I see in people's angry faces a nature more terrifying than lions, crocodiles, and dragons.They usually hide this terrible nature, and once they are strongly stimulated, they will explode, just like a docile cow lying on the grass suddenly slaps a gadfly on its belly with its tail.I've always been deeply horrified by this scene.I also sometimes think that maybe this is just a means for human beings to survive, but I still feel hopeless because of it.

I have always been very afraid of human contact, and I am not even confident that I am human.I slowly turned myself into a funny weirdo, pretending to be happy and happy, and hiding all my troubles, sorrows, and sensitivities in my heart.

You can do anything as long as it makes people laugh.That way they don't pay too much attention to me, and I can put myself out of people's lives.I am "air", "wind", and "nothing"-I must not hinder their eyes.I find ways to amuse my family, and try to make them laugh even with servants who are more elusive than my family.

In the summer, I was wearing a red sweater and a bathrobe on the outside, walking in the corridors, and everyone laughed when they saw me.Even the usually serious elder brother laughed out loud.

He said lovingly, "Xiaoye, this way of dressing is really strange."

I know sweaters are not supposed to be worn in the summer, so to amuse everyone, I wrapped my sister's leggings around my arms to give the illusion of a sweater.

My father works in Tokyo and is usually very busy. He spends most of the month living in a villa in Sakuragicho, Ueno.My father has a habit of buying a lot of gifts for his family and relatives every time he goes back to his hometown.One time, before returning to Tokyo, the father asked the children to gather in the living room, and then smiled and asked the children what presents they wanted.He writes down the gifts the kids want on notepads.In fact, fathers are rarely this close to their children.

"Yazou (Yazou Oba), what do you want?"

I didn't know what to say for a while.

When he asked me, I suddenly didn't want anything.I guess there is nothing in the world that would make me happy, so whatever is fine.No matter what people give me, whether it pleases me or not, I will accept it.I dare not speak out my true thoughts, and I am cautious even when dealing with things I like. Under this painful taste and unspeakable fear, I feel more and more depressed.Also, I don't have the ability to choose.It is also this kind of character that makes me think that the life I used to be is shameful.

My father saw me shy and silent, and immediately changed his expression.

"Do you still want a book? Someone sold New Year's lion dance toys in the shopping street in Asakusa. They can be worn on the head, and the size is just right for children. Don't you want to play?"

When I encountered the sentence "Don't you want to play", I couldn't answer it in a funny way, so I could only compromise.From this point of view, I am not a qualified funny actor.

The eldest brother replied solemnly: "Let's buy him a book."

"really?"

Father's face became more gloomy, and he closed the notebook heavily, without even writing it down.

I've offended my father, and he's sure to take revenge on me, so I'm going to make amends now.I lay curled up in bed that night, thinking about it over and over again.Finally, I got up from the bed, quietly came to the living room, took out the notepad from the drawer where my father put the notepad, quickly flipped to the place where he copied the gift, picked up the pen, licked the nib of the pen, and added "lion dance" on the back , I went to bed when I was done.In fact, I would rather buy a book than a "lion dance", but I saw that my father wanted to buy me a "lion dance", and I didn't want to go against his wishes, so I ventured into the living room, just hoping that my father would be happy.

My trick really worked.Not long after, my father came back from Tokyo, and I heard the conversation between him and my mother in the room.He said: "I went to the toy store in the shopping street to buy toys. I opened the notepad and found that it said 'lion dance'. It was definitely not written by me. I thought it was Ye Zang's joke. I asked him if he wanted it. 'Lion dance', he didn't say anything, but he wanted it later. This kid is so strange. He wrote it so clearly on it, but pretended not to know it. If he wanted it, why didn't he say it earlier? When I saw it in the toy store, I laughed out loud. Hurry up and ask Ye Zang to come over."

I would call the servants into the room, let a manservant play the piano randomly (even in the country, the house is well equipped), and I danced Indian dances to his unstructured music, and everyone laughed.My second brother took a picture of me with a flashing spotlight next to me. After the photo was developed, I found that I hadn’t wrapped the loincloth (actually a floral cloth) properly, revealing my private parts. Everyone started laughing after seeing it.I had greater success because of this accident.

I buy more than a dozen new juvenile magazines every month, and I also order various books from Tokyo. After I buy them, I read them silently.So I know exactly what "Dr. Mess" and "Dr. Stuff" are.I also know Kagedan, Kodan, Rakugo, and Edo Hondan, so I can always say something witty with a serious face to make everyone happy.

Mentioning the school is even more emotional.

People at school respected me quite a bit, but of course I still dreaded the word "respect".My understanding of "respect" is that although the method of deception is almost perfect, it will still be exposed by a wise person.Making a fool of yourself in public and being humiliated is worse than dying.Just thinking about how horrible the anger and vindictive emotions that people feel when they know they have been cheated on them makes me break out in a cold sweat.

People in the school respect me because I am what everyone calls an "outstanding talent", not because of my wealthy family background.I am in poor health and often ask for leave due to illness. It is most common to ask for a month or two. I have even asked for a semester leave.But when I recovered from my illness, I went to school in a rickshaw to take the final exam, and my grades actually surpassed the rest of the class.I usually don't study hard in class, I basically read comic books.I will take advantage of the break time to tell you the content of the comics, and everyone is amused by me.My writing style is also comical. Although I received a warning from the teacher, I still insisted on it.Because I know that the teacher also appreciates my composition in private, and he will be amused when he sees my composition.One day I wrote about my mother taking me back to Tokyo by train in my usual way.I was peeing into a spittoon on the train tunnel (actually I knew it was a spittoon, I just did it to be childish).I handed the written composition to the teacher, and believed that the teacher would find it very funny, so I quietly hid behind and followed the teacher out of the classroom.Sure enough, the teacher immediately found my composition as soon as he walked out of the classroom, and looked at it with a smile while walking.Maybe he just finished reading it when he walked into the office, so he laughed with bright eyes as soon as he walked into the office, and showed my composition to other teachers.This makes me very proud.

I've managed to break free from being "respected" and come across as naughty.My contact book is full of perfect marks except conduct is [-] points, and occasionally [-] points.My family laughed at me for it.

But my nature is not like this, but it is in stark contrast to my mischievous personality.Boys and maids taught me a sad thing about feeling violated.Until now, I have considered doing this to a child the worst of all human crimes.But I didn't say anything, I endured it silently.I think I see another characteristic of human beings in it, so I can only smile helplessly.If I was used to expressing my thoughts, I would explain this to my parents, but I don't know them well, so I didn't complain to them.I don't expect anything from the "spitting on others" approach.If you complain to your parents, the police, or the government, you will only get those smooth people to talk non-stop, calling it reasoning and presenting the facts.

I know that such a conclusion may not be entirely correct, but I still feel that pouring bitterness on others will not solve the problem at all, so I can only swallow all the bitterness in my stomach and continue to be funny and amuse everyone.

Someone might say, "Don't you believe in humans? When did you become a Christian?" I don't believe in humans, but that doesn't mean I'm going down the religious path.In fact, even those who questioned me lived in suspicion and lived a seemingly peaceful life.Don’t such people take Jehovah in their hearts at all?When I was a kid, a famous man from the same political party as my father came to our town to give a speech.A domestic servant took me to watch the speech live.At that time, all the seats were full, and everyone who knew my father in the town also came to the scene.The crowd applauded very enthusiastically.It was snowing that night, and the audience, who were going home after the show, walked on the road to evaluate tonight's speech, but they criticized tonight's speech as useless.Among them, those who have a good relationship with his father severely criticized his father's poor speech, and said that the celebrity's speech was even more pointless.Then the group of people stopped by my house, walked into the living room and immediately put on happy expressions, saying that the speech tonight was a great success.Mother asked the male servant how the speech was tonight, and they all said "very interesting", and their faces didn't change at all when they said this.But they sighed to each other on the way home: "This is the most boring speech I have ever seen."

In fact, this is just a trivial matter that is not worth mentioning.They deceived each other and pretended not to know it. This kind of mutual distrust often happens in human life.I'm not interested in cheating because I'm all about being funny to deceive people.I don't care about justice and morality mentioned in textbooks.I just can't understand how people can lie to each other while living holy, happy, confident lives.I have never understood the mysteries of human life.In other words, if I could understand, I wouldn’t be afraid of humans, and I wouldn’t have to try my best to please them, let alone stand on the opposite side of human life, tossing and turning every night, tortured by hellish pain.And the reason why I don't expose the crimes of male and female servants to others is because people have closed the door of trust in Ye Zang, not because I don't trust human beings, and it's not because I believe in Christ.Even my parents behaved in ways I couldn't understand.

But many women can smell the loneliness in me that I can't tell others just by instinct, which is one of the reasons why I am often seduced by women in the future.

In other words, I don't go around telling people my relationship secrets.

Second letter
Near the shoreline, there are more than 20 black-bark mountain cherry trees growing side by side.Every time a new school year begins, the mountain cherry trees are full of flowers against the backdrop of brown, sticky young leaves, and behind the mountain cherry trees is a blue sea.It didn't take long to see the cherry blossoms falling, and the petals sprinkled to the sea, drifting with the waves to the coastline, dotted with the sea.A certain middle school in the northeast uses the beach covered with cherry blossoms as a playground.The badge on the school's cap and the buttons of its uniforms feature blooming cherry blossoms.Although I didn't prepare seriously before the exam, and I didn't take the exam seriously, I was admitted to this school smoothly.

The reason why my father chose this school for me was because there was a distant relative living near this middle school.During my school days, I temporarily stayed at a relative's house.My relative's home is very close to the school. Every time I heard the bell of the court assembly, I ran to the school, so I developed a lazy habit.It's worth mentioning that I was well-known in my class for my ability to be funny.

For me at the time, this was the first time I lived away from my hometown, but I felt that it was more comfortable than living in my hometown.My ability to deceive people has become more and more proficient, and now I can easily deceive people.Performing in front of acquaintances is not as difficult as it is in front of strangers, no matter how skilled the person may be.Even Jesus, the Son of God.It is the most difficult for actors to perform in their hometown theater, especially when all relatives and friends are sitting underneath, even the most powerful famous actors may find it difficult to perform.But I am different, I have always played this role, and very successful.So not to mention foreign shows.

My fear of human beings is getting deeper and deeper, but my acting skills are getting more and more proficient.I always tease my classmates and make them laugh out loud. The teacher said, "If this class doesn't have a large court, it should be a very good class." After speaking, I covered my mouth and laughed.Plus, I can make those loud instructors laugh.

Just when I thought my disguise was perfect, someone suddenly stabbed me in the back.This person is a man in the class, with an ordinary appearance, thin build, pale complexion, and swollen facial features. He is wearing an old jacket with long sleeves, which should belong to his father or brother.When I saw him like this, I thought of Prince Shotoku.His academic performance was terrible, and he stood by like an idiot to watch military training and gymnastics classes.Even I was deceived by his appearance, thinking that there was no need to guard against him.

His name is Zhuyi (I don't remember his surname, but I vaguely remember his name is Zhuyi).One day in gymnastics class, we did the horizontal bar training, and he stood by as usual and watched.I yelled and sprinted towards the bar, leaping forward only to end up sitting on the sand.This is what I planned in advance.When everyone saw me like this, they laughed up and down. I also smiled helplessly, stood up and brushed the sand off my trousers.I didn't notice when Zhuyi came to me, but he poked my back with his finger and whispered, "You pretended to fall."

Zhu Yi saw through the embarrassment I deliberately pretended to be, which shocked me greatly.In an instant, I felt like the whole world was engulfed in hellfire.My spiritual world was about to collapse, and I tried my best to suppress the urge to shout a few times.

I walked on eggshells for the next few days.

I still play a ridiculous role to make everyone laugh, but whenever I am alone, I can't help but sigh heavily.I have been seen through by Zhu, and he will definitely tell this secret to others.Every time I think of this, I look around like a madman, and beads of sweat start to appear on my forehead.I even thought that if I could monitor Takeichi 24 hours a day, he wouldn't reveal this secret to others.I wanted to show him as much as I could while I was watching him that I wasn't being funny, and I even wanted to be his close friend.If none of these methods work, we can only pray that his life will end soon.That doesn't mean I want to kill him.Although I always hoped that someone would kill me, I never thought of killing me.When I meet a terrible opponent, I only think about how to please him and make him happy.

In order to become his best friend, I gently put my arms around his shoulders, tilted my head about [-] degrees to the left, smiled like a fake Christian, and invited him to play at my boarding place with a sweet voice.But he always didn't speak, just looked at me blankly.I remember that once it seemed to be early summer, there was a heavy rainstorm after school, and the students were all worried, not knowing how to go home.I didn't take this heavy rain seriously at all. Anyway, the school is so close to our house, so we can just run back.Just as I was about to rush out, I caught a glimpse of Takeichi standing behind the shoe cabinet in a daze.I said to him: "Go to my house, I'll find you an umbrella." Then I ran into the heavy rain with Zhuyi, who was a little shy.When I got home, I asked my aunt to help dry our coats, and then I took Zhuyi to my room on the second floor.

My aunt who is over fifty lives in this room. My eldest sister, who is about 30 years old (she was once married, and later returned to live with her mother’s parents, I call her eldest sister with my family) also lives here.She was tall, wearing glasses, and seemed ill.There is also a young lady who has just graduated from a girls' school, named Xiao Jie, with a round face and a petite figure, not at all like the eldest sister.There were three of them in this room.Their main income comes from the rent of the five or six houses left by their late husband.In addition, there is a shop on the first floor, and they also sell stationery and sporting goods.

Zhu Yi stood up and said, "The ear hurts so much! As long as it is raining, the ear will start to hurt."

I took a closer look and found that he had serious ear leakage, and there was a lot of pus in his ears, and the pus was about to flow out.

I pretended to be surprised and said, "It hurts, right? It's all my fault. If I hadn't dragged you home in the rain, it wouldn't be like this. I'm sorry!"

I imitated a woman and spoke softly. After I finished speaking, I went downstairs to get cotton and alcohol. When I came back, I let Zhuyi lie down, put his head on my knee, and carefully treated his ears.Zhu Yi rested on my knee and said compliments, but he didn't seem to notice that I was pretending.

"There will definitely be women who will be fascinated by you in the future."

A sentence that Zhu Yi said unintentionally turned out to be true later.This sentence is like a terrible prophecy of the devil.

Obsessing over women and making women obsessed about you both have a vulgar vibe.No matter what serious occasion, as long as this joking, triumphant remark comes out, the melancholy Garan will be razed to the ground.Strange to say, the melancholy Galan would not have been destroyed if the literary expression "the fear of being loved" had been substituted for the colloquial expression "the agony of being infatuated."

I cleaned up the pus in Zhuyi's ear with alcohol and a cotton swab, and I smiled when I heard him say, "There will definitely be women who will be fascinated by you in the future".But the saying "fascinated by you" always gives people a sense of complacency. When I heard him say it, I thought it made sense.It would make me look like the silly young master in a play, so I certainly don't think it makes sense with such a smug feeling.

I think it is several times harder to understand women than to understand men.There are more women in my family than men, and there are more women in my relatives, and there are maids in my family. It can be said that I grew up with women.However, when I deal with these women, I always feel like I am in a cloud. Sometimes I accidentally provoke them, and I will definitely be "fixed".This kind of repair is not like a male whipping, but like an internal injury, which makes people feel very uncomfortable and difficult to heal.I have never been able to understand the thoughts of these women, so when dealing with them, I always hold a cautious attitude.

Sometimes women pull me closer and push me away.When women are asleep, they seem to be dead, and one can almost suspect that they are born for sleeping.I grew up observing all kinds of women who were completely different from men.Although they are also human beings, they are more mysterious.And I am often taken care of by them.I think "being taken care of by them" is a more appropriate expression, "being obsessed with me" or "being liked" is not for me at all.

Women are more receptive to being funny than men.Men don't laugh all the time when I'm funny, and I'm sure I'll get caught if I get carried away with being funny at a guy, so I know enough is enough.Women are different. In their eyes, there is no moderate term.Women would keep asking me to be funny, so I was always exhausted after the show.They laugh a lot, and it seems that women know how to have fun better than men.

The two older sisters of my host family when I was in middle school, came to my house whenever they had time, and they surprised me every time.

"How about reading?"

"I did not see."

I closed the book and smiled.

"There is a geography teacher in the school, named Stick, today..."

The funny stories I tell are not what I really want to tell.

"Xiaoye, put on your glasses."

One night, the eldest sister and Xiao Jie came to my room and forced me to make this request after doing a lot of funny performances.

"What?"

"Don't ask, just borrow my eldest sister's glasses and put them on."

The way they talk to me is always so rude.I obediently put on my eldest sister's glasses, and they laughed and lay on the ground.

"So much like Lloyd, exactly the same!"

Harold Lloyd was a foreign comedian, and his movies were very popular in Japan at that time.

I got up from my seat, held up a hand, and said, "Everyone, to my Japanese fans..."

It made them laugh even harder.Since then, I haven't missed any Lloyd movie shown in the theater in the town. I remember his expression while watching it, and secretly study it when I come back.

One autumn night, I was lying in bed reading a book, my eldest sister came to my room as quickly as a bird, suddenly fell on my quilt and started crying.

"Xiaoye, save me, are you willing to help me? Take me out of this house."

After saying these words, she continued to cry softly.Since I've seen women in this state before, I wasn't too shocked.I think such tricks are too old-fashioned and unattractive.I got out of bed, picked up a persimmon from the table, peeled it and cut a piece for my elder sister to eat.The eldest sister ate persimmons while crying, and said, "Lend me an interesting book."

I went to the bookshelf and carefully selected, and finally handed her a copy of "I am a cat" by Natsume Soseki.

"Thank you, and your persimmons."

The eldest sister felt a little embarrassed, and walked out of the room after speaking.What kind of mood do women in the world keep alive?I think this question is more difficult and scary than guessing the mind of an earthworm.From childhood experience, I knew that a woman in a meltdown would feel better when she ate sweets.

In addition, Miss Sister Jie will bring friends to my room, of course I will make everyone very happy.After her friend is gone, she will definitely speak ill of her friend to me.And it's the same every time: "You have to be careful, she's a little girl." Then why did you bring her here?Every time Xiao Jie brings women to my room, thanks to her, I can get in touch with so many women.

Don't think that Takeichi's prophecy of "women will be fascinated by you" has come true. This can only mean that I am the Harold Lloyd of the Northeast.It was not until many years later that Zhuyi's ominous words became reality and appeared in front of me.

One time, Takeichi came to my room with a precious gift.

"Here is a picture of a monster."

After speaking, he took out a primary color version of the front page illustration.

Um?I secretly wondered in my heart.My downfall seems to have started then, and I felt that way until many years later.I know it's just a self-portrait of Van Gogh.When I was young in Japan, the popular style of painting was French Impressionism, and people's appreciation of Western paintings mostly began at this time.Even the students in the country have seen the photo prints of Van Gogh, Gauguin, Cézanne, Renoir and others.I never imagined a Van Gogh painting as a monster.I have seen many primary color prints of Van Gogh before, and I was attracted by their bright colors and innovative brushwork.

"Then do you think this kind of painting is also a monster?"

I went to the bookshelf, took out Modigliani's painting collection, found a portrait of a nude woman with bronzed skin, and showed it to Zhu.

Zhu Yi opened his eyes wide and exclaimed: "It's really not simple, it's like a horse from hell."

"Sure enough, I still haven't got rid of the monster."

"I also want to draw a picture of this kind of monster."

People who are extremely afraid of humans will double their expectations to see scary monsters, and people who are more nervous and timid will hope for a violent storm.The group of human monsters hurt the painters badly, and finally led the painters to choose to believe in phantoms and witnessed monsters in nature.They tried their best to present what they saw with their own eyes, drawing what Takeichi called "a picture of a monster".I cried with excitement, my future partner is here.I whispered to Zhuyi: "I also want to draw pictures, draw portraits of monsters, and draw hell horses."

When I was in elementary school, I liked watching and drawing pictures.But my compositions are more praised than my paintings.Anyway, I don't believe what people say, I just take the composition as a funny speech.For my composition, the teachers from elementary school to junior high school have always been very happy, but I don't think it is interesting.Only painting (except comics) gave me a different feeling. Although I was groping for the painting by myself and immature in the expression of the object, I still put a lot of effort into it.There is an art class in the school, but the teacher's painting skills are poor, and the picture book is very boring, so I try to try my best to find out various ways of expression.My oil painting equipment was ready when I entered middle school.Although I paint in the style of Impressionism, my paintings are still not three-dimensional, just like flower paper crafts.After listening to Zhuyi's words, I realized that I was completely wrong in the mentality and direction of painting.This idea of ​​trying to present beautiful things as they are is silly.The masters use subjective ideas to show the ordinary things they see, including the disgusting things that make them sick, and they will also truly express their interests and fully immerse themselves in the performance.That is, they follow their hearts and never depend on what others think.Without telling the girls, I slowly made a self-portrait using the original painting method Zhuyi gave me.

When I was finally done, I was overwhelmed by a sombre self-portrait.This is my true face that has been hidden for a long time. Although I am the pistachio of everyone on the surface, I am actually so gloomy in my heart.I thought "this is impossible".I let Zhu see the painting, but I didn't show it to anyone else except him.I don't want others to see my true inner world, I don't want others to be wary of me, and I don't want people to think that this is my new way of making fun of me. Being the laughing stock of others is more sad than anything else, so I quickly put this painting Hidden in the deepest part of the drawer.

When I was in art class, I still used mediocre brushstrokes to paint beautiful things beautifully and hide this "monster painting method".

My fragile and sensitive nerves can only be shown in front of Takeichi, so I showed him my self-portrait with confidence.With his affirmation, I drew three more monster portraits in a row, and Zhuyi made another prophecy.

"You'll be a great painter later on."

The idiot Takeichi engraved the prophecies "Women will be fascinated by you" and "Become a great painter" on my forehead.It didn't take long for me to come to Tokyo.

I originally wanted to study in an art school, but my father said that he wanted me to go to high school very early and enter an official career.I dare not resist.When I was in the fourth grade, my father asked me to apply for high school, and I was tired of staying in the middle school with all the cherry blossoms and the sea, so I did not apply for the fifth grade, and directly applied for the high school in Tokyo after completing the four-year course.After passing the exam, I started my school boarding life.But I really hate this kind of dirty and rough life, so I don't have the extra energy to be funny.So I went to the doctor and asked him to write a medical certificate for lung infiltration, so I could move out of the dormitory.I moved to my father's villa in Sakuragicho, Ueno.I really can't bear the group life. I feel creepy when I hear words like youthful touch and youthful frivolity. I really can't agree with the term "high school student spirit".I felt like classrooms and dormitories were heavily twisted sexual camps, places where even my near-consummate sense of humor was rendered useless.

My father returns to the villa for a week or two when the parliament is in recess every month, so usually only me and the old housekeeper couple are in this villa.I often skipped classes and stayed at home reading books and painting, and never went out to visit Tokyo (as a result, I didn’t even see the Meiji Jingu Shrine, the bronze statue of Masanari Kusuki, and the tomb of the 47 martyrs in Sengakuji).In the morning when my father was at home, I hurried to school, and sometimes I would go to the art classroom of Western painter Shintaro Yasuda to learn sketching. The classroom is located in Sendagi Town, Hongo.I was there for three or four hours at a time.After moving out of my high school dorm, I felt like an auditor even when I went back to class.Of course, this could also be my own bias, but more and more I felt that school wasn't any fun at all.I went to elementary school, middle school, and high school, but I still couldn't understand what love for the school is, and I never thought about learning to sing the school song.

It didn't take me long to learn about this curious combination of cigarettes, booze, prostitutes, pawn shops, and left-wing thinking.This is what I learned from a drawing student in an art classroom.

This painting student is from Shitamachi, Tokyo. His name is Masao Horiki. He is six years older than me and graduated from a private art school.The reason why he studied Western painting in this art classroom was that there was no studio at home.

"Can you lend me five dollars?"

We only met a few times and never said a word. Hearing what he said, I quickly took out five yuan and handed it to him.

"Okay, shall I buy you a drink?"

I don't know how to refuse, he dragged me into a coffee bar near the classroom, the name of this bar is Horaicho.Our relationship starts here.

"Actually, I noticed you a long time ago. Seeing your shy smile now, you are like many talented artists. Come, let's have a drink and celebrate our acquaintance. Xiao Juan, this man is very handsome, right? It's because of him that I became the second most handsome person in the class, so don't be infatuated with him."

Horiki had good features, dark skin, oiled hair parted in the middle, and a well-made suit with a plain tie.This appearance is rare among painting students.

Because I was in an unfamiliar environment, I seemed flustered, with my arms on my chest for a while, and stretched out for a while, with a shy smile on my face all the time.After two or three glasses of beer, I felt a burst of relief, as if something that had restricted me for a long time was suddenly removed.

"Originally I planned to go to art school..."

"That place is so boring, school is the most boring place. Our teachers have a sense of nature, they exist in nature."

This argument does not make sense.This fool should only have third-rate painting skills, but it would be nice to be a wine and meat friend.This is the first time I've seen urban scoundrels.Our looks are very different, but he can't perceive his unconscious and funny sadness, which is the essential difference between us.

I kept reminding myself that it was a disgrace to be with him as a drunken friend, and I despised him from the bottom of my heart, but I was finally crushed by him.

At the beginning, I regarded him as a good person, and I didn't defend him even though I was afraid of contact with people. I was still grateful for meeting such a good Tokyo guide.When I ride the tram alone, I fear contact with the conductor.When I want to go to a cabaret show, I am afraid of the two rows of hostesses on both sides of the stairs.When I walk into a restaurant, I feel uncomfortable with the waiter standing quietly behind me, waiting to clear away the dishes.When it was time to check out, my limbs became stiff due to excessive tension, fear and anxiety, my brain went blank, my eyes went dark, and I immediately fell into a state of chaos, and I even forgot to take the change, let alone bargain.By the way, I often forget to take the things I bought.I dare not walk alone in the streets of Tokyo.That's why I don't leave the house all day.

Walking with Horiki, as long as you hand over your wallet, he will happily bargain.He is a very good spender, and can always get a lot of satisfaction for a small amount of money.Because he knows how to have fun, he does not take expensive taxis, but is good at using trams, buses, and steamboats to reach his destination quickly.In the morning, on his way back home from the brothel, he would go to a certain restaurant to take a hot bath, order tofu soup and a jug of wine, which gave the impression of luxury, but the price was actually very cheap.He kept taking me on field exercises and told me that the beef brisket rice and yakitori sold by the street vendors were nutritious and cheap.He assures me that electric brandy is the quickest way to get drunk.With Horiki footing the bill, I wouldn't panic.

Horiki doesn't care what the other person thinks at all, which is another plus for me.He talks 24 hours a day, letting his enthusiasm flow (maybe ignoring the other person's position is what is called enthusiasm), and there is never awkwardness or silence between us.When I get along with people before, I always try my best to be funny before the silence, but in the relationship with Horiki, he will take on this job unconsciously, and I just need to listen to him quietly, and occasionally reply with a smile, "Why? It will be like this."

I gradually understood that smoking, drinking, and prostitution could help me temporarily eliminate my fear of humans.I sometimes even think that I would rather break my fortune than find a way to remove my fear of humanity.

A prostitute is not a human being or a woman in my eyes, but a bit like a fool or a lunatic.I can sleep peacefully in their arms.They hardly have any desires.They may feel the same kind of breath from me, so when they face me, they always show kindness without any calculations and no coercion, and kindness to people who will not come to patronize again.Some nights I see the halo of the Virgin Mary on these whores.

In order to get rid of my fear of humans, and to get a good night's sleep, I went to the brothel to have fun with my "kind".But "Bonus Addenda" began to appear around me--a kind of disgust haunted me.When Horiki explained it to me, I was very surprised and repelled.To put it in layman's terms, after being tempered by prostitutes, my ability to hunt for sex has greatly increased. It is said that training the ability to hunt for sex through prostitutes is the most rigorous and effective.Now I exude an aura of a veteran in love. Women will instinctively smell this aura and come to me on their own initiative.This wretched and embarrassing "appendix" has far exceeded my original intention of wanting to rest.

Horiki may have said this with a compliment, but I feel that there is some truth to it, so my heart is a little heavy.A café lady once wrote me a love letter, which seemed to me childish.A neighbor in Sakuragi Town, a general’s daughter in her twenties, would come in and out of her house with light makeup on every morning when I was going to school.When I was eating beef noodles, the waitress... Late at night, I was sitting on the tram in the city, and fell asleep because of drunkenness. A relative's daughter in my hometown sent a love letter expressing her lovesickness. .While I was away, a strange girl put a handmade doll in my house... I'm a rather pessimistic person, so everything didn't go any further.It seems that there is something about me that makes women dreamy. This is neither showing off nor casual nonsense, but an iron-clad fact.I felt very humiliated by Horiki's blunt account of this incident, and at the same time lost interest in going to brothels for pleasure.

One day, Horiki took me to a secret research meeting, the name of this meeting was "Communist Reading Club" (I can't remember the specific name, it should be called RS).I have always thought that Horiki brought me to this meeting because of his interest in fame and fortune, but I can't find any suitable reason for it.For Horiki, attending a communist secret party was just one item of his touring Tokyo.There I was forced to meet a comrade and buy a pamphlet.Then I listened to an ugly young man sitting at the top explaining Marxist economics.For me, such content is very simple.What he said made sense, but he ignored the complexity of the human heart, neither desire nor vanity was appropriate enough to describe it, even sex and desire were indescribable.I don't even know how to describe it.I have always believed that human life is not only about economics, but also ghost stories and the like.I am full of fear of ghost stories, so it is easy to accept so-called materialism.But I am still afraid of human beings, and I can't open my eyes to look at the green leaves and feel the joy of seeing hope.But I didn't refuse to participate in the RS (should be called this) party, and I attended every party.I saw comrades getting involved in it with a serious look, talking about theories as simple as "one plus one equals two", and I felt very ridiculous.I used my funny skills in the research meeting to make the atmosphere of the party gradually relaxed, and I became the central figure in the party.Maybe these simple people think that I am as simple as they are, so they think that being good at being funny is my innate ability, thinking that I am a natural optimist.If they really think so, then I completely bluffed them.In fact, I am not their comrade.But I always arrive at the party on time, serve them hilariously, and keep them entertained.

I like this not because of Marx, but because I like them as a group.

I personally enjoy the word "illegal" very much, it makes me feel very happy.The things that legally exist are complex and not easy to understand, and to me that's the scariest thing about it.If I were to sit in that cold room with no windows, I would rather plunge into the illegal ocean outside, swim in it non-stop, and finally swim to exhaustion and die, so that it would be hearty enough.

Those tragic losers and morally corrupt people in the world are called "shady people", but I think I am such a person, so I will sympathize with those who are accused by the world and accept them with a warm heart.Whenever this time, I am intoxicated in my warm heart.

There is also a term called "criminal awareness".This consciousness has been tormenting me, but to me, it is like my bad wife, and maybe my life is like having fun with it.As the saying goes, "If you have a wound on your foot, you are afraid that people will know it." The wound on my calf not only did not heal with the growth of the body, but became deeper and deeper, directly reaching the muscles and bones, and I was tormented like hell every night .Gradually, this wound became a living emotion, even more intimate than my flesh and blood.When I attended a party held by an underground movement organization, I felt inexplicably at ease. I didn’t go for the original purpose of the underground movement organization, but because the pleasant atmosphere made me feel at ease.Horiki only came once, the first time he brought me here, and he never came again after he introduced me to everyone.He said, "Marxists study production during the day and consumption at night."Although he doesn't go to parties, he always wants to pull me to participate in the observation of consumption.Looking back now, I realize that there were all kinds of Marxists at that time.There are vain people like Horiki who label themselves as trendy, and there are participants like me who like illegal vibes.If a true Marxist saw Horiki and I for what we really were, they would have lashed out and cast us out as vile traitors.In fact, neither Horiki nor I were found out, so naturally we were not expelled.And I am in the illegal world, far more attractive than in the legal gentleman's world.Therefore, they regarded me as a comrade with great achievements, and entrusted me with a lot of confidential work.I never refuse, I always accept everything.I also did not attract dogs (what comrades call the police) to interrogate me because of my unnatural behavior.With a smile on my face all the time, I often make people happy, so I can complete the dangerous tasks they say every time.In fact, even if I was imprisoned because of my party status, I was not afraid.Even if I were to spend my whole life in prison, I would have no complaints.Life in prison may be much more comfortable than the fear of real human life and the pain of tossing and turning every night.

When my father lived at the villa in Sakuragicho, he often went out or received visitors, so we rarely saw each other.I thought my father was a difficult person to get close to, and because I was more afraid of him, I wanted to rent a house, but I still didn't say it.One day, I suddenly heard from the old housekeeper that my father wanted to sell the villa.

His father's tenure as a member of parliament is about to expire. He probably has no intention of continuing to run for election this time, so he built a house near his hometown for the elderly. It seems that he no longer has any nostalgia for Tokyo.Maybe he thinks I'm just a high school student, so there's no need to leave this mansion and servants for my use (I still can't understand my father's thoughts).Before long, the house was going to be sold to someone else, so I moved into an old rental apartment in Hongo Morikawa-cho called "Senyukan", and the rooms in it were very dark due to lack of light.Before long, I was in financial distress.

My father used to give me pocket money every month, and usually I would spend it in two or three days. I have cigarettes, wine, fruit, bread, etc. at home, and I can also buy stationery, clothes, etc. on credit from nearby stores at any time, and even You can go to the store that my father frequents and treat Horiki to eat soba noodles or fried shrimp rice bowl without paying at all.

But after I moved out, all expenses were settled by fixed monthly remittances, and the remitted money was used up in two or three days. I was very worried and took turns sending telegrams and writing long letters to my father, brother and sister It's all made-up jokes, and I think the best way to ask for help is to make it funny first) Ask for money.Under Horiki's guidance, I started frequenting the pawn shop, but the money was still not enough.

My heart grew more and more afraid of this lonely life. When I was alone in this apartment, I always felt that someone would attack me at any time, so I rushed to the street to help the former underground movement organization, or with Horiki looked for cheap drinks everywhere, completely ignoring schoolwork and painting.In November of my second year in high school, I made an appointment to die with a married woman a few years older than me, and my life has been messed up since then.

Although I often miss classes and don't pay attention in class, I know how to answer questions and can use them in every exam. Over time, my relatives at home have not doubted me.The school should have told my father about my serious absence from class in private, so my eldest brother wrote a letter on behalf of my father, with harsh words.However, the most painful thing for me was the financial constraints, and the more and more tasks entrusted to me by the underground movement organizations became more and more intense, so I had to devote myself to it.I chose to escape, but the feeling of escaping was very uncomfortable, and finally I decided to escape by dying.

At that time, there were three women who showed affection for me, and one of them was the daughter of the proprietress of Xianyou Pavilion.When I was busy with the tasks entrusted to me by the underground organization, I was completely exhausted. When I got home, I fell on the bed without even wanting to eat, but she always came to my room with a pen and letter paper and said to me: " I'm really sorry, but the brothers and sisters downstairs made me unable to write properly." Then I lay down on my desk and started writing, which lasted for an hour.

I should have fallen asleep and pretended I didn't know anything, but my instinct to please others drove me to her service.I managed to pull myself together, lay on the bed and smoked a cigarette, and opened my mouth that I didn't want to say anything: "A man once boiled water to take a bath with a love letter written by a woman."

"Oh, you're talking about yourself, right?"

"I've only ever warmed milk."

"It's an honor, then you can drink well."

Can't she go out earlier?I have long seen through her tricks, saying that writing letters is just scribbling on paper.

"Let me see."

Actually I don't want to watch it.But she said: "Oh, I won't show it to you." Her beaming appearance was really unbearable, and it made me lose my appetite.I sent her to do things for me.

"I'm really sorry, can you go to the pharmacy next to the tram road and buy me a pack of Karmochin. I'm so tired, my cheeks are so hot that I can't sleep. As for the money..."

"There is no need to give money."

She stood up and ran out happily.I know very well in my heart that women are very willing to help men with affairs, but they must not pour cold water on them.

The other is a liberal arts student at the Women's Higher Normal School, also a so-called comrade.Because of the underground movement, I had to see her every day.She always likes to buy things for me.

"You can think of me as your own sister."

Seeing her pretending to speak coyly, my stomach churns.I forced myself to put on a sad smile and said, "I think so too."

I'll have to do my best to get away with it, and if I annoy her, terrible things will happen.With this in mind, I did my best to serve this ugly woman.Whenever she gave me something (she bought something so tasteless that I basically passed it on to the yakitori boss), I made her happy with an excited face.

I couldn't avoid the landlady's daughter and this lesbian the way I avoided other women, because we had to see each other every day.Out of unease, I tried my best to make these two women happy by being funny, but I restrained myself and couldn't move.

Around the same time, I met a waitress at a large coffee bar in Ginza who offered me an unexpected favor, which I accepted.Although it was the first time we met, thinking of the favor she gave me, I was terrified and worried, and I sat there almost motionless.At that time, I was able to ride the tram alone, go to the Kabuki theater to watch a play, and walk into a cafe and bar in a floral kimono.At that time, he had developed a thick-skinned appearance more or less.Although he still fears the self-confidence and violence of human beings in his heart, he can still communicate with people simply on the surface.But in my nature, if I'm not playing the buffoon full of frustration, I can't communicate properly with people.I can always find greetings when I don't know what to say. Are these tricks practiced while serving underground organizations?Or is it because of women?Or wine?Perhaps the most important reason is financial constraints.I was terrified in any setting, but being in the midst of drunks, waitresses, and waiters in a large café calmed my chasing mind.I only have ten yuan on me. When I walked into the large cafe in Ginza, I smiled and asked the waitress: "I only have ten yuan. You can pay as much as you see."

"Okay, you don't have to worry."

After listening to her words in a Kansai accent, my flustered heart calmed down.It's not that I don't have to worry about money, it's that I feel that when I'm with her, I don't have to worry about anything.

Because being around her reassured me, I made no secret of my reticent nature and drank in silence.

"Do you like these dishes?"

She put all kinds of delicacies in front of me.

"Just want to drink? Then I'll drink with you."

In autumn, on a cold and windy night, Hengzi (I can’t remember her name clearly, but I vaguely remember it seems to be this. I don’t even remember the name of the woman I died in love with) asked me to go to a sushi stall in the alley of Ginza Waiting for her, I quietly ate the bland sushi. (Although I forgot her name, I still remember how terrible the sushi was that day. The shop owner’s hair fell out, and he pretended to be a superb crafter, shaking his head and kneading the sushi, like a golden snake. Later When I take the tram, I often see someone with a familiar face, as if I have seen it somewhere. Thinking about it carefully, it turns out to be very similar to the owner of the sushi stall. Until now, I have forgotten the face and name of the woman, but I can still clearly remember the owner of the shop, and I can even draw it on paper, which is enough to illustrate how bad the sushi was. Actually, I say this because I don't like sushi, I think the sushi is too big. I've often wondered, can't sushi be made the size of a thumb?)

She lives in this firm for rent, the room is on the second floor, and the landlord is a carpenter.I followed her to the apartment on the second floor, sat down and drank tea with my chin in my hand.At this time, I did not hide my gloomy heart at all.I made her very fond of me like this.She is a completely independent woman, giving people the feeling of falling leaves in the cold wind.

The two of us lay in bed, and she told me about her life.Her family is in Hiroshima, and she is two years older than me.Her husband opened a barber shop in Hiroshima before, and the two came to Tokyo together last spring, but her husband committed fraud and was arrested and imprisoned.She visits him in prison every day and brings him something.From tomorrow onwards, she will no longer go there.I don't have any interest in learning about the woman's life experience. I don't know if it's because she got the wrong point in her words, or there is something wrong with her speaking skills. I always get distracted.

Really lonely.

I would rather get resonance from this sentence than listen to her stinky and long life experience.It amazes me that I've never heard a woman say this.However, the lonely aura emanating from her body was like an inch-wide air current surrounding her.This current merged with my prickly shadow current, like "dead leaves on rocks at the bottom of the water", and I was able to withdraw from my panic and anxiety.

Not the same feeling as sleeping in the arms of whores (they are all lively characters), the con artist's wife let all my guard down, it was a night of liberation (in my notebook, using this It is extremely rare to give affirmation in such exaggerated terms).

But only for one night.I woke up in the morning and jumped out of bed to the floor.I put away my sullen face and reverted to a frivolous, funny character.Cowardly people are afraid of happiness, because sometimes they will be hurt by happiness, even if they touch cotton.I wanted to get out before I got hurt, so I reverted to being funny and making smoke bombs.

"There is a saying that 'the money at the head of the bed is exhausted, and the love is broken'. Many people interpret this sentence in reverse. This sentence does not mean that a man who has no money will be kicked away by a woman, but that a man who has no money You will become depressed, do not want to do anything, and then start playing petty temper, take the initiative to get rid of women, and finally get rid of each other. This explanation is in "Kanaze Dacilin", I can understand the sadness Mood."

After hearing my stupid words, Hengzi laughed with a "puchi".A trace of fear arose in my heart, and I left without washing my face.In the future, I had an unexpected connection with the phrase "The money at the head of the bed is exhausted, and the love is broken."

I haven't seen the benefactor of that night for a whole month.As time went by, the joy in my heart slowly dissipated.The favors she bestowed on me bound me and made me feel very uneasy.Hengzi borne all my expenses in the cafe and bar, I began to feel uneasy about such mundane things, I thought Hengzi was someone who would only persecute me, just like the landlady’s daughter and the lesbian, so I always afraid of her.I always felt that if I reunited with a woman I had slept with, I would be strongly condemned by them, so I avoided Ginza as much as possible.

At the end of November, Horiki and I drank cheap wine at the stall. When we left, we had no money in our pockets, but Horiki insisted on finding another stall to continue drinking.At that time, maybe Jiu Zhuang was cowardly, so I said to him: "In this case, I will take you to a dreamlike world, where there are wine pools and meat forests..."

"Is it a café?"

"Correct!"

"Then hurry up!"

The two of us got on the tram leading to the city, and Horiki became excited and shouted: "I really want to be with women tonight, can I kiss the waiter?"

"Can I play kiss? How about I let you watch me kiss the waiter sitting next to me?"

"casual."

"I really have a strong desire for women, thank you."

We sat on the fourth street of Ginza, walked into the so-called "wine pond meat forest", and regarded Heng Zi as our savior.Horiki and I sat in an empty box, Tsuneko and another waitress ran over, and Tsuneko sat next to Horiki.I was a little surprised that Horiki would kiss Tsuneko.

I don't feel sorry.I am not a very possessive person, let alone argue with others, or even declare my own ownership.And this also led to someone assaulting my wife in the future—my real and unnamed wife, and I just watched with cold eyes.

Getting involved in human strife is scary, so I try to avoid it as much as possible.Hengzi does not belong to me, we just had a one-night stand, although I should have no idea, I was still surprised.

Thinking that Horiki was about to kiss Tsuneko in front of me made me feel sad for Tsuneko.After Horiki defiled Hengzi, Hengzi had to break up with me, and I would not stay at all, and everything would be over by then.At that moment, I sympathized with Hengzi's misfortune, but I quickly saw through all this, and looked at the faces of Hengzi and Horiki with a sneer.

Suddenly, things went from bad to worse.

Horiki pouted and said, "I give up, even if I don't choose, I still can't speak to such a poor woman."

Horiki crossed his arms and looked at Tsuneko impatiently.

I whispered to Hengzi: "I have no money, please give me wine."

I would love to have a big drink.From a worldly point of view, Heng Zi was indeed ugly and poor, probably even a drunk would not bother to kiss her.As if struck by lightning, I drank cup after cup, and when I got dizzy, I smiled at Hengzi.After Horiki finished speaking, I realized that she was indeed a tired, ugly, and poor-looking woman, but I felt a sense of intimacy with the poor (although I still think that the gap between rich and poor has almost been eliminated. It sucks, but it's still the theme of the drama).This made me feel my heart beating for the first time. It turns out that Hengzi is such a lovely woman.I was so drunk that I couldn't tell the difference between south, east and north, and I vomited.At the time, this was the first time this happened to me.

After waking up, I saw Hengzi sitting next to me. It turned out that I was lying in the room on the second floor of the carpenter's house in my office.

"I thought you were joking with me when you said, 'The money at the head of the bed is exhausted, and the love is broken'. As a result, you never showed up, so I knew it was true. It's really a complicated way to judge. I don't care if I make money to support you Can't you?"

"No."

Then I lay in bed with her, and she seemed tired of human life, and she mentioned "death" for the first time after dawn.And when I thought about money, women, studies, troubles, underground movements, and fear of the world, I agreed to her request without hesitation.

But at that time, I treated this matter with a game attitude, and I was not mentally prepared to "die".

That morning I went to the sixth ward of Asakusa with her, and went into a coffee shop there to drink milk.

"You pay for the milk."

I stood up, looked at the three copper coins in my wallet, and felt miserable, a feeling stronger than shame.It suddenly occurred to me that there were only uniforms and quilts left in the room in Xianyukan, and there was nothing to pawn.I looked at the floral kimono and cloak on my body, and it became clear that I could not survive in this world.

Seeing me, she stood up and looked at my wallet.

"only these?"

This unintentional sentence hurt my heart deeply. It was the first time I felt this way because of a sentence from my lover.It has nothing to do with the amount of money, the great shame of three copper coins makes it impossible for me to continue to live.It seems that I was still immersed in the halo of the rich young master at that time, and I didn't completely escape.That's when I really made up my mind to die.

That night, we came to Kamakura, ready to commit suicide by jumping into the sea.She untied the belt, folded it, put it on the rock, and said, "It's just a belt I borrowed from a friend."I took off my windbreaker and put it in the same position.Then we both jumped into the sea together.

As a result, her life ended here, but I was rescued.

The newspaper reported this as an important case, because I was a high school student, and my father's identity, which can create more or less news value.

I was living in a hospital by the sea, and a relative from my hometown came to take care of various things for me.He told me that the family members were very angry, especially my father, and they were likely to disown me, and turned away after speaking.I don't care about these at all, I cry every day and miss Hengzi, because I really like the poor-looking Hengzi.

The landlady's daughter sent me a long letter consisting of fifty short songs, all of which began with "Live for me."The nurses came to my room with bright smiles, played with me, and some even shook my hand before leaving.

The hospital found out that there was a small problem with my left lung, which is good news for me.Not long after, the police took me away from the hospital on charges of "assisted suicide."They housed me in a special guard cell because I was a patient.

There is a duty room next to the special guard room. An old police officer on night shift quietly opened the door and greeted me: "Is it cold? Come here to warm up."

I walked into the duty room with an air of dejection, and sat in a chair near the brazier to keep warm.

"You should miss that dead woman very much, right?"

I replied like a mosquito: "Yeah."

He began to put on airs: "It's okay, it's normal. Where was the first time you had sex with that woman?"

He questioned me like a judge, and thought I was a child and looked down on me.He regarded himself as the master of the interrogation room, and guided me to tell my erotic love history to amuse my boring life.I have already seen through all this, and I couldn't help not laughing out loud.I could refuse to answer all informal police interrogations, but I still acted in all sincerity and pretended that he was the chief investigator, thinking that all sentences were to be determined by them.In order to spice up the boring autumn night, and to satisfy his erotic curiosity, I will tell a part of this incident "in moderation".

"I get it in general. If you're telling the truth, I'll try to grant you clemency."

"Thank you, please take care of me!"

I did my best in a show that was doing me no favors.

The real interrogation was about to begin after dawn, and the police chief called me to the chief's office.

I walked in and saw a dark-skinned young bureau chief who looked like he had just graduated from college.

"You look so handsome, it seems that if you want to blame, you can only blame your mother for making you too handsome."

My heart suddenly felt very sad, as if I was a disabled person with red spots on half of my face.

The director, who looks a lot like a judo or kendo player, has very straightforward interrogation methods, which are completely different from that of the lecherous old police officer who quietly "investigates" at night.After the interrogation, the director copied the documents to be submitted to the inspection bureau, and said to me while writing: "You seem to be vomiting blood, you must take care of yourself."

I coughed suddenly that morning, and every time I coughed, the handkerchief was stained with blood, which looked like red snow hail.The blood didn't come from my throat. Last night I picked the small pustules under the ears. It should have come from there. But I suddenly realized that I don't want to explain this, so I bowed my head and responded: " OK."

After finishing the document, the director said to me: "It is up to the prosecutor to decide whether to prosecute you. Do you have a guardian or a guarantor? It is best to call him and ask him to go to the Yokohama District Prosecutor's Office."

I suddenly thought of my fellow villager Shibuta, who is a calligraphy and painting antique dealer and the guarantor of my school.In the past, he often appeared in his father's villa in Tokyo, and he liked to flatter his father the most.Shibuta is nearly forty years old, short and fat, and has not yet married.He had eyes like a flounder, "flounder" as my father called him, and I called him that too.

I asked the police to lend me the phone book, found his home number in it and dialed it, and asked him to go to the Yokohama District Prosecutor's Office.Flounder's tone of voice was very arrogant, and he was a completely different person compared to before, but he still agreed to my request.

"Hey, better disinfect the phone, don't forget he's still coughing up blood."

I went back to the special guard room and sat down, and heard the sergeant ordering the police officers loudly.

After noon, I tied a hemp rope and put on a cape, and a young police officer took me to Yokohama by car.

I began to miss the old policeman in the special guard room of the police station. What is going on?Being tied up as a criminal, instead of feeling uneasy, I felt relieved.Even recalling it now, I feel comfortable at the time.

But there was one thing I did wrong at the time, and even thinking about it now gives me chills down my back.I was taken to the Prosecutor's Office, where they arranged for me to be interrogated in a darkened room.The prosecutor is nearly forty years old, with a calm personality (my appearance is handsome with that kind of obscenity, this prosecutor is the kind of handsome full of wisdom), and he does not seem to be a narrow-minded person.So I told the story unpreparedly. During the talk, I suddenly coughed. When I took out my handkerchief, I saw the blood stains on it. He coughed twice, and glanced at the prosecutor out of the corner of his eye.He asked me with a smile: "Is it really a cough?"

I was terrified, I started to break out in a cold sweat, and just thinking about it made me panic.Zhuyi once poked my back and said that I was faking it, and I felt like falling into an abyss.And this time, compared with the feeling in my heart at that moment, it can be said that it is even worse.These two incidents are the only two times in my life.Sometimes I think, I would rather he sentenced me to ten years in prison than insult me ​​so calmly.

The final trial result was that the prosecution was suspended.It was with a heavy heart that I sat on a bench in the District Attorney's break room, waiting for surety Flounder.

Behind me is the high window, the sky is hung with colorful sunset glow, and the seagulls fly into the sky in the shape of "female".

third letter ([-])

Zhuyi made a total of two prophecies. The prophecy that was said to be dishonorable came true, and the prophecy of becoming a great painter failed.

I became a cartoonist with little fame, and some third-rate magazines asked me to draw some vulgar cartoons.

The death incident in Kamakura caused a lot of trouble, and the school ordered me to drop out.I moved from the house I rented to "The Flounder".There is a room with three large tatami mats on the second floor of his house.Every month, my hometown will send a sum of living expenses, which is pitifully small.The money was not given to me directly, but was handed over to "Flounder" first (it should be the money from my brothers in my hometown without telling my father), and I had cut off contact with people in my hometown. When "Flounder" faced me, he always put on a bad face, and warned me repeatedly, "Don't go out, it's right if you don't go out."No matter how much I apologize for laughing, he never smiles. Compared with before, he is a completely different person.I was flabbergasted, or hilarious to use the word better.I really didn't expect that human face changing is as easy as flipping a book.

Flounder was terrified of me committing suicide, so it was spying on me.He was sure I would throw myself into the sea again, so he kept warning me not to go out.Now I live like an idiot. I can't smoke or drink, and I can only cat and read old magazines in the room on the second floor.To be honest, I didn't even have the strength to commit suicide.

The home of "Flounder" is near the Okubo Medical College. It is one of a two-family house. Although it has famous signs such as "calligraphy and antique dealer" and "Qinglongyuan", it is actually a small shop.The items in the store are disorganized ("Flounder" makes a living by reselling the treasures in the hands of the big boss), and the store is full of dust because no one has cleaned it for a long time. "Flounder" went out early in the morning, and a [-]-year-old boy was left at home to watch over me.He likes to play catch with the neighborhood kids.He likes to educate me by pretending to be an adult, and seems to regard me, a diner who lives on the second floor, as a fool or a lunatic.Because I'm submissive by nature, I pretend to be listening even when I'm tired.This young man is Shida's illegitimate son, but Shida and him are not considered father and son.Shida seems to be unmarried because of this.I once heard this incident mentioned by my family, but I have never been interested in other people's affairs, so I don't know the details, and I only vaguely remember it.The boy's eyes resembled fish's eyes, and from this, he might really be the illegitimate son of "Flounder".The life of this father and son is really lonely.They often eat delivery soba without telling me.

This young man is responsible for the three meals at home. He puts the meals eaten by the diners in trays and sends them to the second floor, and he is responsible for delivering each meal.Downstairs there was a large damp room with four and a half tatami mats. The two of them ate in this room. From time to time, the sound of plates colliding could be heard on the second floor.I don't know if "Flounder" thought of some way to make money, or he had another conspiracy. At dusk at the end of March, he set up delicious food on the rare table with a hip flask, and invited me down to eat with him.He eats sashimi (not flounder), praises its deliciousness, looks at me with a blank expression, and persuades me to drink.

"What are you going to do in the future?"

I didn't say a word, picked up the dried sardines on the plate, looked at the silver eyes of the little fish, remembered how I used to play around, and even began to miss Horiki.I was a little drunk and desperate to be free at the same time, I almost cried.

Ever since I moved here, I've been lying in bed all day under the disdainful eyes of "Flounder" and the lad, and I haven't even the strength to be funny. "Flounder" didn't want to talk to me, and I didn't want to complain to him.I'm becoming a piece of trash now.

"Deferred prosecution means that you will become a habitual offender with a previous conviction, but as long as you want to, you can cheer up. If you think about it, you will never commit another crime in the future, and then talk to me seriously, and I will help you."

When "Flounder" speaks, perhaps it should be said that everyone in the world speaks in a complicated and vague way, with an irresponsible complexity in their words. I don't know how to deal with their wariness and scruples.So I hide my uneasy heart with funny, or adopt the attitude of admitting failure and bowing my head to wait for the other party to deal with it.

If "Flounder" had told me the truth at the time, all problems could have been solved.But he insisted on being on guard against me. To be precise, it should be caused by vanity and the psychology of emphasizing face, which made me feel very heavy.

If "Flounder" could have said to me at the time: "From April, you can go to any school, whether it is public or private. As long as you go to school, your family will give you more living expenses."

In fact, this matter is so simple, if he had told me so directly at that time, I would have obeyed.But because "Flounder" was too defensive, I felt very awkward, and finally changed the direction of my life completely.

"If you don't want to discuss it with me, I can't help it."

I didn't have a clue, so I said, "What are you discussing?"

"What's on your mind."

"for example?"

"What are your plans for the future?"

"You mean you want me to go out to work?"

"No, I'm asking what's on your mind?"

"I want to go to school, but..."

"You need money to go to school, but that's not something you should consider. I want to know what you think?"

Why didn't he just tell me that my family would give me money?If he had said that, I would have made a decision immediately.But I still didn't understand it at the time, and the whole person seemed to be in a cloud.

"Do you still have hope for the future? The person being cared for cannot understand how difficult it is to take care of a person."

"sorry."

"I'm really worried about you. I hope you don't have such a casual attitude. You should still be full of hope for the future and choose to be a new person. If you take the initiative to ask me to discuss your plans for the future, I will help you find a way. I'm a poor man, so I can't give you a luxurious life, as long as you think about what you want to do in the future and realize it down-to-earth, I can help you. Do you understand my thoughts? What do you think?"

"If you want me to move out, I'll get a job."

"Really? Even if you are a student who graduated from Imperial University, it is not easy to find a job."

"I don't want to go to work and make money."

"That is?"

I said very firmly: "I want to be a painter."

"What did you say?"

"Flounder" curled his neck and laughed, I still remember his cunning look at that time.It seems contemptuous, but it doesn't look like it, like a strange figure hidden in the bottom of the sea.Through his smiling face, I can spy on the secrets hidden in the depths of life of middle-aged people.

"Then we have nothing to talk about. You are not at ease at all. You should think about it tonight." After finishing speaking, I was driven to the second floor by him.To be honest, my mind went blank while I was lying in bed.I ran away from Flounder's house at daybreak.

I am now going to my friends to discuss the future direction, don't worry about me.I assure you, I will be back in the evening.

I took a pencil and wrote these large characters on the letter paper, then wrote Masao Horiki's name and address in Asakusa, and sneaked out of "Flounder"'s house.

I fled from his house, not because I harbored a grudge against his preaching, but because I believed I was one of those shaky men that "Flounder" said.I don't know how to plan for the future, and I am embarrassed to continue to eat and drink for free at his house.If I decide on the future direction of development, "Flounder" still pays me money every month, then I will really feel very guilty.

I didn't escape from Horiki's house just to talk to Horiki about the "future direction".I said this just to comfort "Flounder", so I tried to recall the address of Horiki's house, and wrote his address and name next to the letter paper (although I somewhat wanted to delay time, like in a detective novel, but I'm actually afraid that "Flounder" will panic. I know he'll find out sooner or later, but I'm still afraid to tell the truth. It's a pathetic part of my character, and it's very similar to what the world says is a lie. But I'm so I don't do it for my own benefit, but I am afraid that what will happen in the future will be bad for me. But no matter how distorted the "spirit of providing service with all my strength", I will still use words to embellish it. However, the "honest man" in the world's population does not often do this ).

I walked from "Flounder"'s house to Shinjuku, sold all the books I carried with me, and finally fell into embarrassment.I treat everyone kindly, but I have never felt the true friendship of others.Of course, friends like Horiki need to say something else.I feel pain whenever I come into contact with other people, so I try to play the buffoon out of it, and it gets worse and worse.When I see acquaintances or people who look like acquaintances on the road, I feel terrified.Although others love me, I have never been able to love others (however, I doubt that the world is really capable of loving others).It is impossible for a person like me to have a so-called close friend, and I don't even have the ability to visit others.I feel that other people's houses are more terrifying than the gates of hell in "Divine Comedy". I can even feel the terrifying dragon-like monsters hidden inside the gates. These are all my true thoughts in my heart, without any exaggeration.

I don't know who to call on, and I'm not associating with anyone here.

Horiki.

Finally, I decided to visit Horiki in Asakusa as written in the letter.I have never been to his home in Asakusa, and I usually send a telegram to Horiki, and he comes to me when he receives the telegram.But now I have no money for telegrams.Looking at how poor I am now, Horiki will definitely not come to me because of a telegram.I sighed, got on the city tram, and was about to start my first visit in my life.When I realized that Horiki might be my only savior in this world, a cold sweat rolled down my back.

Horiki's house was a two-storey building in a dirty alley.He lived in a large room with six tatami mats on the second floor.Horiki's parents and a young craftsman make geta laces on the first floor.Horiki is at home.

That day I saw Horiki's cunning side as an urbanite, and his selfishness made me, a countryman, dumbfounded.I am a man without my own mind and he is different from me.

"How did you become like this? It really surprises me. Did your dad ever forgive you?"

I can't really tell what happened to my escape.

So I chose to keep it from him, although I knew he would find out.

"There will be a way."

"Remember my advice, this is not a joke, don't be too stupid. I have something to do today, and I have been busy recently."

"What are you busy with?"

"Hey, don't break the string on the cushion."

As I spoke, I played with the silk thread (whether it was a rope or a strap) on the cushion with my fingertips.Horiki seemed to cherish the belongings of the house, even a piece of silk thread, so he didn't hesitate to accuse me without embarrassment.It was only then that I discovered that Horiki hadn't paid anything when he was in a relationship with me.

Horiki's mother came to the room with two bowls of rice cake and red bean soup on a tray.

"oops!"

Horiki spoke to his mother respectfully, just like a dutiful son.

"Thanks for your hard work! Rice cake and red bean soup, right? I'm going out to do business soon, so you don't have to worry about it. But you cooked it specially, it's a pity not to eat it. My mother made it specially, and I'll bring you a bowl too .I'll enjoy it. Ah, it's really delicious."

He ate happily with absolutely no sign of acting.I took a sip and it smelled like bath water.Then I took a bite of the rice cake, and it felt weird, not like rice cake at all.I didn't look down on poor families (I didn't think the food was bad at the time, but I was very grateful for his mother's intentions. I was just afraid of poverty, but I didn't despise poverty at all).These two bowls of rice cake and red bean soup and the intoxicating Horiki let me see the simplicity of urban people, and at the same time let me see the real side of a Tokyo family with the distinction between inside and outside.I was the only one who didn't know the difference between the inside and the outside, and kept running away from human life, so that even Horiki didn't care about me.Holding the chopsticks with mottled paint, I just wanted to take out a pen to record this lonely and embarrassing mood.

Horiki put on his shirt, stood up and said to me, "I'm really sorry, I have something to do today, so I have to go out quickly."

At this time, a tall and tall female visitor came, and my fate changed.

When Horiki saw her, he immediately brightened up.

"I was just trying to find you. I'm really sorry, just ignore him, please come in quickly."

Horiki looked flustered, I took out the cushion I was sitting on, turned it over and handed it to him, he grabbed it and turned it over again, asking the woman to sit down.There were only two cushions in the room, one for Horiki and the other for the guest.

The woman put the cushions aside and chose to sit near the entrance.

I silently listened to the conversation of the two men.She seems to be working for a magazine, and she came here today to pick up the illustrations that Horiki was asked to draw.

"We're in a hurry."

"I've drawn it a long time ago. Here it is, please see."

Then a telegram came.Horiki looked at it, his face became ugly.

"Hey, what do you mean?!"

The telegram came from Flounder.

"Go back quickly. I should take you back, but I don't have time now. You obviously escaped from home, but you pretended nothing happened."

"Where do you live?"

"Okubo." I said without thinking.

"My company is near there."

She is 28 years old, from Koshu, lives in an apartment in Koenji, her husband has been dead for nearly three years, and she has a daughter.

"You seem to have suffered a lot, no wonder you have such a delicate mind. It's poor."

I started living like a gigolo.The magazine where Shizuko (the female reporter's name) works is located in Shinjuku.After she went to work, I took care of the house with her daughter.Her daughter is five years old, named Moko.When I wasn't here, Moko often played with the apartment manager.Since I came, Moko is very happy because she has a very careful uncle to play with her.

I was there for a week or so.A kite that was blown to pieces by the wind and sand was wrapped around the wires outside the apartment. No matter how the wind blew, the kite was always wrapped around the wires and would not let go.Every time I see it, I feel distressed and have nightmares at night.

"I need money."

"How many?"

"It's a lot. It seems that the saying 'The money at the head of the bed is gone, the love is broken' is true."

"Don't be silly, it's an old saying, and..."

"You don't understand at all, if you continue, I might run away."

"It's strange, who is poor and who wants to run away?"

"I hope I can make money to buy cigarettes and alcohol. It stands to reason that my paintings should be better than Horiki's."

I think of a few self-portraits I drew in middle school, which are the monsters in Takeichi's mouth.During my relocation, I lost them.But it confirmed to me that they are really good paintings.I tried a lot of painting methods later, but I still couldn't match the level in memory.My mind was haunted by a constant feeling of emptiness and loss.

A glass of leftover absinthe.I really want her to see a masterpiece like that so she can trust my drawing skills.My heart was tormented by this anxiety.

"How's your drawing going? You're really cute, joking around so seriously."

I mean it, I really want her to see that kind of painting.I was bored, but suddenly I thought about it and said to her: "I can draw manga, and the manga I draw must be better than Horiki's."

She actually believed my perfunctory joke.

"That's true. I read the cartoon you drew for Maozi. It's very funny. I can ask the editor-in-chief of the magazine for you."

Their magazine is a monthly magazine aimed at children, and they don't have much reputation.

"... Most women want to do something for you when they see you... You are a timid and funny person, especially when you are alone, you look depressed, which makes women more fascinated."

Jingzi also said a lot of similar words to compliment me, but I thought that these are the characteristics of a little boy, and he became more and more depressed, and he couldn't cheer up anything.I thought that money was more important than women, so I secretly planned to leave Jingzi, but I didn't expect that I would become more and more dependent on her.This capable Koshu woman helped me deal with the aftermath of escaping from home, and I became more and more trembling when facing her.

Shizuko found "Flounder" and Horiki and started negotiating with them. I also completely cut off contact with my hometown and started living with Shizuko.I didn't expect my manga to make money from Shizuko's running around. I used the money I earned to buy cigarettes and alcohol. At the same time, my inner anxiety gradually increased.I began to draw the serial manga "Kinta and Ohita's Adventure Life" for Shizuko's magazine.In the process of painting, I suddenly thought of my hometown and felt even more lonely. Sometimes I would cry with my head down, so I couldn't write at all.

Only Moko could comfort me a little. She always called me "Daddy".

"Father, I heard that as long as you pray to the gods, all your wishes can come true. Is this true?"

I should be the one who wants to pray.

God, please let me see through the essence of human beings. Isn’t it a sin for people to exclude each other like this?Give me a calm will and a mask of anger.

"If it's Moko, any wish will come true, but if it's Dad, it won't work."

I am afraid of the gods.I only believe in God's punishment, not God's love.I think faith is just to accept the punishment of the gods, so as to face the judgment seat.In other words, I believe in hell, but not in heaven.

"Why can't Dad?"

"Because I don't listen to my parents."

"But everybody says Papa is a good man."

Because I lied to everyone, the people in this apartment were nice to me.It frightened me, but they were kinder to me because of it, so I was more afraid of them, and finally had to stay away from them.It was really hard for me to explain my unfortunate ailment to Moko.

"What wish does Moko want to fulfill?" I pretended to be indifferent and diverted the topic elsewhere.

"I want a real dad."

My mind went blank for a moment.Am I Moko's enemy?Or is she my enemy?Moko's expression at that time was that there was an outsider full of secrets here, and a terrifying adult who threatened her.

I thought Moko was an exception, but I didn't expect that she also had a "suddenly swung up and slapped the gadfly's tail".From then on, when I faced Moko, I also behaved tremblingly.

"Sexy, are you home?"

Horiki started visiting me like before.He made me feel very lonely the day I escaped from Flounder's house, but instead of saying no to him, I greeted him with a smile on my face.

"It is said that the cartoons you draw are very popular. I really can't stand the amateur painter's ignorance. Your sketches are really bad. Don't be proud."

He acted like a master.What would he think if he saw the picture of the monster I drew?Every time I think about it, I feel very distressed.

I said to him, "Don't say that, I'm about to scream."

Horiki was even more proud, and said to me: "If you only have the ability to be tactful, your shortcomings will be exposed one day."

I can only smile wryly when I hear "the ability to deal with the world".I am so afraid of human beings, and I have no time to hide from people. How could someone say that I am the kind of tactful person?Human beings always like to think that they are each other's confidantes and friends. They always don't understand each other, and even when each other dies, they even come to condolences.

Horiki was also involved in the aftermath of my escape from Flounder's house (it must have been because of Shizuko's pressure that he agreed).He is now educating me with a lofty attitude of teaching me to be a man again and old age. Sometimes he gets drunk at night and comes here to spend the night, or borrows five yuan from me for petty expenses (five yuan each time) .

"You still have to change the problem of playing with women, otherwise the world will never forgive you."

What is the world?Is it the plural of human?Does the so-called human entity really exist?I used to regard it as outrageous, serious, and terrifying. Now that Horiki mentioned it, I almost asked him, "Aren't you the so-called worldly people?"

But I swallowed the words, because I didn't want to make him angry.

(The world will never forgive you.)
(I think you won't forgive me, will you?)

(The world will make you suffer for doing this.)
(Should it be you?)
(Someday, the world will bury you.)
(It was you who buried me, right.)
Be sober, first figure out how treacherous, cunning, sinister, vicious, and weird you are!There were many words in my heart, but while wiping the sweat off my face with a handkerchief, I said, "After hearing what you said, I'm breaking out in cold sweat."

From then on, I began to have the concept of "the so-called world is an individual". With this understanding, my life has become a little easier, and I can act according to my own ideas.Jingzi said that I have become a little willful, and I am no longer as cautious as before.Horiki said I became petty.Moko said that I no longer love her.

I became more silent, and while taking care of Moko, I was drawing manuscripts for various publishing houses (except for Shizuko's magazines, some third-rate magazines that were even more vulgar than Shizuko began to invite me to write). "The Adventures of Mrs. Jin and Tai Hida" obviously imitates "Youzai Monk" from "Youzai Papa", and the spoof theme "Jijingfeng Anping" that I feel confused.I draw these cartoons slowly (I'm really slow with my pen) in a very bored mood for some drink money.After Shizuko came back from the magazine, I went out to the stalls or taverns near Koenji train station, drank some cheap alcohol there, and didn't return to the apartment until I was in a better mood.

"Your face looks weirder and weirder. Monk Youzai's appearance should be inspired by your sleeping face."

"You too, look at your sleeping face, like a 40-year-old man."

"I'm almost being squeezed dry by you. Duckweed life is like water, so why bother to worry about Chuanbianliu?"

My daily life was humming a little song and waiting for Shizuko to help me undress, and then I fell asleep with my forehead on her chest.

Repeating the same thing every day,

Following the same routine as yesterday.

If violent ecstasy can be avoided,
Naturally, there will be no grief.

In the face of stumbling blocks that hinder the future,
Toad, will take a detour.

The poem was written by Charles Colow and translated by Toshi Ueda.When I read this poem, my face suddenly felt like it was on fire.

toad.

(Speaking of me. There is no question of whether the world will forgive or bury. I am a crawling toad, worse than cats and dogs.)
I became more and more addicted to drinking. In addition to Kouenji, I would go to Shinjuku and Ginza, and sometimes I would not go home all night.I don't want to live that well-behaved life anymore.I would drink in bars, kiss anyone I saw, and pretend I was a moron.I drank like before I died in love, even more indulgent than at that time, and when I had no money, I pawned Shizuko's clothes.

I've been here for over a year, and every time I look out the window, I see that broken kite.When the cherry blossom trees grew new leaves, I secretly pawned Shizuko's belt and tights, took the money and went to Ginza to drink, and didn't go home for two nights.I still felt a little sorry, so I sneaked back to Shizuko’s apartment on the third night and heard the conversation between Shizuko and Moko:

"Why drink?"

"Dad doesn't drink because he likes it, but because he is a good person..."

"Do all good people drink?"

"maybe……"

"It's sure to scare Dad."

"Maybe it'll be annoying. You see it jumps out again."

"It's the same as An Ping in "Frightful Wind"."

"correct."

I quietly opened the door, revealing a thin door crack, and saw a little white rabbit jumping around in the room, and the mother and daughter ran after it.

(They live happily and happily, I am a bastard. Being caught between them will definitely ruin the low-key happy life of their mother and daughter. If God is willing to listen to the prayers of people like me, please bless them, even if only once also good.)
I wanted to kneel down and pray right away, but I ended up closing the door and going back to Ginza again, and I haven't been back to the apartment since.

I went to the second floor of a tavern near Kyobashi and lived a life of being taken care of.

People of the world, I probably understand what people of the world are.It is an on-site battle between individuals, and the outcome must be determined on the spot.No one will obey anyone absolutely, even slaves will resist in their own way.Therefore, the only way for people to survive is to decide the outcome on the spot.No matter what definition people give, the goal of hard work must be the individual, and the problems of the world are still personal problems after all.The sea refers to individuals, not the world.After realizing this point, I was liberated from the phantom of the world, the sea, and I was no longer rigid in doing things.To put it simply, in order to meet the immediate needs, I will do my best.

I left Kouenji's apartment and only said "I'm leaving her" to the proprietress of the tavern.I decided the winner with just one blow, and moved to the proprietress' second-floor apartment.It is conceivable that the horrible people in the world did not harm me.Since the proprietress has agreed, I don't need to explain anything.

My identity is very special, both as a guest and as a boss, as an errand runner and as a relative.Outsiders should regard me as an uninvited guest, but they are very friendly to me. Regular customers in the store call me "Xiaoye" kindly, and sometimes buy me a drink.

Gradually, I feel that the world is no longer scary, so I will not be defensive against the world.My past fears were like fearing hundreds of thousands of whooping cough fungi in the spring breeze, or fearing blinding fungi in bathhouses, hundreds of thousands of fungi in barbershops that can make people bald, and hiding in the suspension rings of provincial and county trams There are countless scabies, sashimi or uncooked beef, sheep, pork eggs hidden in tapeworms or trematodes, just like the fear that the glass shards drilled in from the soles of the feet when walking barefoot will wander around in the body. It's the same as scientific superstitions such as broken eyes.Perhaps from a scientific point of view, there are indeed hundreds of thousands of fungi in the air, but I know that if their existence is completely ignored, they can become scientific ghosts that disappear in an instant.If the three grains of rice left in the bowls of tens of millions of people are added up, several bags of rice will be wasted.Or tens of millions of people can save a piece of paper for blowing their noses a day, which can save several bags of paper.Every time I leave a grain of rice in my bowl or blow my nose with paper, I picture bags of rice and piles of paper being wasted, and the scientific statistics terrify me.I became very distressed because of this, and always felt that I had committed some great sin.These are lies of science, statistics, and mathematics. No one will put three grains of rice together. Even as an application of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, this is a simple, low-energy problem.This is as ridiculous as calculating the probability of people falling into the toilet, or the probability of falling into the gap between the tram door and the platform when riding a provincial and county tram.Of course it can happen, but it's rare to fall into a cesspit because of not stepping properly.I can't help but feel a little ridiculous about my old self, and a little pity at the same time, because I take the assumptions that other people have fed me as facts, and I feel a great deal of fear about it.So I began to gradually lift the veil from the world.

This is easier said than done, but difficult to do.I needed a glass of wine to bolster my nerves before I met the customers in the store, after all what I saw was something horrific.Although I am afraid of humans, I still come to the store every night, just like a child who is afraid of animals will hold tightly instead, and I use the strength of alcohol to brag to the guests about my indecent art.

Cartoonist, it's a pity that this unknown cartoonist like me is too indifferent, neither sad nor happy when things happen.However, I only care about the indulgence and joy in front of me, as for whether I will encounter great sorrow in the future, I don't care at all.Just like now, even though I am very anxious, drinking the wine invited by the guests and talking nonsense with the guests is the happiest thing.

I lived this boring life in Kyobashi for almost a year.During this time, my cartoons appeared in some dirty magazines at the station.Under the pseudonym of "Boss Jitai", I drew some obscene nudes and inserted lines from the Rubaiyat.

No more useless prayers,

Throw away the things that make you cry.

Have a drink and imagine a bright future,

Leave all those tiring worries behind you.

threaten others with fear,
This kind of person will also be afraid of the wrong things he has done.

To avoid revenge by the dead,
What's going on in your head all the time.

Yesterday's wine put me in a good mood,
Woke up today, only desolate.

Strange, only one night,
The change of mood is so great!

Stop cursing,
Like the sound of drums from afar,
Makes people feel restless.

If you need to ask in detail about even small things, you can only die.

Can justice be the pointer of life?
On the bloody battlefield,
On the edge of the knife that secretly fights,

What kind of justice exists?

Where are the guiding principles?

What kind of light of wisdom?
In the floating world, beauty and fear coexist,

An incompetent burden falls on the weak.

Because we plant the seeds of lust,

Therefore cursed with all good and evil,

all the helplessness,

It is all because God has not given us the strength and will to restrain our desires.

Where are you hesitating?

What aspects should we start to review, criticize and understand again?

Hey, could it be unrealistic fantasy?
Forget drinking, all thoughts are empty.

Why not look up at the vast sky?
We are just a drop in the bucket.

Why does the earth rotate?
Regardless of its rotation, revolution, and reversal, just let it go.

No matter where you can feel the infinite power,
all nations and peoples,
We can find similarities in human nature.

Am I the only one who is different?

People misread the hadith,
Otherwise there is no common sense and wisdom.

Carnal pleasures are strictly prohibited, and fine wine is not allowed to enter the throat,

Mustafa, enough, I hate this most!

At that time a young girl advised me to quit drinking.

"You get drunk after noon every day, it's not okay to go on like this."

Her name is Haozi, she is seventeen or eighteen years old, her skin is as creamy as fat, and she has canine teeth.She is the daughter of the owner of the tobacco shop across from the tavern, and she laughs and says these words to me every time I go to buy cigarettes.

"Why not? You can drink as much wine as you want. Good boy, remove the hatred in your heart. Ancient Persia said that only a jade cup that brings a little drunk can bring hope to a sad and tired heart, do you understand?"

"not understand."

"Smelly girl, be careful when I kiss you."

"You dear."

She pursed her lower lip, not at all embarrassed.

"Silly girl, you have no sense of shame."

However, Yoshiko could smell a kind of untainted virginity.

On a cold night just after the first month of the lunar year, I was so drunk that when I went to buy cigarettes in a tobacco shop, I accidentally fell into the sewer hole in front of the shop, and I yelled "Good boy, help me".She ran over quickly, pulled me up, and helped me heal the wound on my right hand.She restrained her smile and said to me, "You drink too much."

I am not afraid of death, I am only afraid of being wounded, bleeding, and becoming disabled.I watched Haozi heal my wounds, and I thought it was time to quit drinking.

"Starting tomorrow, I will quit drinking."

"really?"

"Really, I will definitely quit drinking. Good boy, if I quit drinking, will you marry me?"

In fact, I was joking about marrying her.

"of course."

"Lagou, I will definitely quit."

After noon the next day, I started drinking again.

"It's disgusting for you to pretend to be drunk on purpose."

I was so surprised that my brain woke up instantly.

"I didn't mean to, I really drank."

"You're too bad, don't make fun of me."

She has no doubts about me.

"You can tell by looking at it. After noon, I'm going to drink. Please forgive me."

"You're really good at acting."

"Silly girl, I'm not acting, be careful when I kiss you."

"Come and kiss me."

"I'm not qualified to kiss you. I have to give up the idea of ​​marrying you. My face is really red because I've been drinking."

"The setting sun shines on your face, that's why your face is red. Don't try to lie to me. We made an agreement yesterday, you will definitely not drink. God will punish those who can't, so you can't drink. You lie people."

Yoshiko who was sitting in the store smiled beautifully.Her skin is smooth and supple, and she has that noble virginity.I have never slept with young virgins.Get married and get married, even if it will cause great sorrow in the future, it doesn't matter.There is always a bliss of indulgence in life.I originally thought that the beauty of a virgin was just a naive fantasy of the world, but I didn't expect that it really existed in this world.In the spring after we got married, we could ride bicycles together to see Aoba Falls.With the mentality of "a showdown", I decided to pick this flower on the spot.

It wasn't long before we got married.There is no such great joy as imagined, but there is pain beyond imagination. "The world" has always been elusive to me.It's not that simple, and "showdown" doesn't decide everything.

third letter ([-])

Horiki and me.

Mutual contempt and close contact, because both sides feel more and more boring.If this is what the world calls "making friends", then Horiki and I must be friends.

The proprietress of the Jingqiao Tavern is a warm-hearted person (it’s strange to use this word to describe a woman. But from my personal experience, women are more honest-hearted than men. Men are both face-saving and stingy, and they are timid when doing things). With the help, Haozi became my unnamed wife.We rented a house in an apartment near the Sumida River.This is a two-story wooden apartment, and we lived in a room on the first floor.I gave up drinking, and drawing manga gradually became my regular job, and I put all my energy into it.We would go out to watch a movie together after dinner, stop by the coffee shop, and sometimes buy potted flowers.It is the greatest joy to hear this bride who trusts in me from the bottom of her heart speak.I gradually felt a sweet warmth in my heart, and I felt more and more like a normal person, at least I would not die tragically.But at this moment, Horiki appeared in front of me again.

"Sexy! Huh? I feel like you are a little bit of a firework. Today I am passing a few words on behalf of the woman who lives in Kouenji."

His volume suddenly dropped, he looked at Yoshiko who was making tea in the kitchen, and asked me, "Do you mind?"

"It doesn't matter, just say what you have to say." I replied calmly.

Yoshiko is very talented in trust, let’s not talk about my relationship with the proprietress of the Kyobashi tavern, even if I tell her what happened in Kamakura, she will not suspect that there is something wrong with Koko, even if I put The matter was very clear, and Yoshiko also thought I was joking.

"You still look very proud. She asked me to tell you that you can go to her Kouenji Temple when you have time."

Just as I was about to forget the past, a strange bird flew over and smashed my memory, and the scene of shame and sin in the past immediately appeared in front of my eyes. I felt very terrified and even wanted to scream.

I said, "Do you want to go out for a drink?"

"Okay." Horiki replied.

I look a lot like Horiki.Of course, this only happens when we drink cheap wine together. As soon as we meet, we will turn into two dogs with very similar coat color and shape, running in the snowy alley.

Since that day, we have reconciled.We went to the tavern in Kyobashi together, got drunk, went to Shizuko's apartment in Koenji, and stayed there for the night.

On an unforgettable summer night, when the weather was very hot and the sun was about to set, Horiki came to my house in a loose yukata.He said that today he took the summer clothes to a pawn shop in a hurry to exchange money, but it would be bad if the old mother found out, so he wanted to borrow money from me to redeem the clothes.But I had no money at the time, so I asked Haozi to pawn her clothes.After lending money to Horiki, there was some money left, so I told Yoshiko to buy shochu.Horiki and I went to the top floor of the apartment to hold a cool-down dinner, and the wind on the top floor was mixed with the smell of the Sumida River's stinky sewer.

We played a game of guessing the nouns for comedy or tragedy.This game was invented by me. Nouns have already been guessed according to feminine, masculine, and neuter, so you can also guess according to comedy and tragedy.For example, tragic nouns include ship and train, and comic nouns include streetcar and bus.People who don't understand the reason are not worthy to talk about art, and a playwright who mixes a tragic term in comedy is not qualified to eat this bowl of rice.The same goes for tragedy.

I started asking: "Cigarettes?"

Horiki immediately replied: "Tragedy."

"drug?"

"Powder? Or pill?"

"injection."

"tragedy."

"Are you sure? Hormone shots, too."

"Okay, I lose. I told you that medicine and doctors are comedy, so what about death?"

"Comedy. Priests and monks are comedies too."

"Brilliant. Life is a tragedy, isn't it?"

"No, life is comedy."

"According to you, everything has become a comedy. Let me ask you another question, what is a cartoonist? It can't be a comedy, can it?"

"Tragedy, a capitalized tragic noun."

"Haha, so you are a great tragedy."

In the course of the game, once this low-level banter occurs, it will become very boring.But that doesn't take away from the pride that this game brings us, because we don't think anyone has played such a clever game in the upper class parties at the time.

I also invented a word guessing game of antonyms.For example, the antonym of black is white, but the antonym of white is red, and the antonym of red is black.

"What is the opposite of flower?"

Horiki tilted his mouth in thought when he heard this question.

"There is a restaurant whose name is Huayue, so the antonym of flower is month."

"It's not an antonym, but rather a synonym. According to you, star and violet are synonyms. So it's not an antonym."

"I see, it's a bee."

"bee?"

"Otherwise, is it an ant on a peony?"

"That's a painting problem, you don't want to get away with it."

"I see. Is there such a saying as 'Flowers meet Congyun'?"

"You mean 'the bright moon meets the clouds'?"

"By the way, flowers are against the wind, and the antonym of flowers is wind."

"It's too bad. You're talking about the lines in the wave tune. You've let out your bottom."

"It's a pipa."

"Still wrong. The opposite of flower should be...it should be the least flower-like thing in the world."

"What the hell are you doing, is it a woman?"

"What's the synonym for woman?"

"Guts."

"Your quality in poetry is really lacking. Let me ask you another question. What is the antonym of viscera?"

"milk."

"That's right, the answer was accurate this time, keep it up. What is the antonym of shame?"

"Shameless, that is, my boss Jitai, a popular cartoonist."

"What is Masao Horiki?"

From then on, the surrounding atmosphere became dull.The smiles on our faces faded away, and our heads seemed to be full of shards of glass, which is the feeling you get after drinking soju and getting drunk.

"Don't come here, I'm not the same as you. You have felt the shame of being tied up because of a crime, but I haven't."

I was very shocked. It turned out that in Horiki's heart, I was not a person who could sit on an equal footing with him.In his eyes, I'm just a fool living in the world.He approached me for his own pleasure and tried to use me in every possible way.I can't be happier to think that we're just friends to this extent.But it immediately occurred to me that I hadn't been treated as a human being since I was a child, so it was reasonable for Horiki to treat me like this.

I pretended nothing happened and asked him, "What's the opposite of sin? It's a bit difficult."

"law."

Horiki replied calmly.I looked at his face again, and the neon lights of the nearby buildings were shining red. Under the light, Horiki's face looked like a majestic devil detective, and I was stunned.

"The antonym of sin shouldn't be this?"

The antonym of sin is law, and there is such a saying.Maybe it's not the only one who has this kind of thinking, everyone wants to live a simple and peaceful life.The belief that crime happens where there are no police.

"Then what are you talking about? Is it God? I smell a Christian in you, which is disgusting."

"Don't jump to conclusions lightly. This question is worth pondering carefully. Let's think about it again. I feel that we can see clearly what kind of person he is through his answer to this question."

"How is this possible? The antonym of sin is goodness, that is, a good person like me."

"Cut it off. Good is the opposite of evil, not sin."

"Is there any difference between sin and evil?"

"I think there is a difference. Good and evil are moral terms that people have invented without authorization."

"It's so troublesome. That's God. When I don't know, I push everything to God. I'm hungry and want to eat."

"Haozi is cooking broad beans downstairs."

"It's great, I love broad beans the most."

He lay on the ground, crossing his hands under his head.

"You don't seem to be interested in sin at all."

"That's right. Because I'm not a sinner. I'm just addicted to drinking and sex, but I won't kill a woman, and I won't cheat a woman's money."

Although I said with a weak voice in my heart, I didn't kill the woman, and I didn't cheat the woman's money, but when I thought about what I had done, I felt that I was indeed wrong.It's really something I do on a regular basis.

I can't face other people's problems head-on, and I can't argue with others head-on.I was drunk, and my heart was getting more and more excited, but I still tried my best to suppress the emotions in my heart, and whispered: "Just being in prison is not a crime. I think that as long as you know what the antonym of crime is, you can grasp the reality of crime." .God, redemption, love, light, the opposite of god is satan, the opposite of redemption is distress, the opposite of love is hate, the opposite of light is darkness. Good and evil, sin and prayer, sin and repentance, sin and confession, sin And... these are synonyms. What exactly is the opposite of sin?"

"The opposite of sin is honey. I'm so hungry, go get something to eat."

"You can go down and get it."

For the first time in my life I spoke with anger.

"Okay, then I'll go downstairs and commit a crime with Haozi. Field investigation is more meaningful than sitting here arguing. Is the antonym of crime honey bean, or broad bean?"

He was also drunk and started talking out of tune.

"You hurry up and go."

"Sin and hunger, hunger and broad beans, should these be synonyms?"

He stood up as he spoke.

Crime and punishment.A thought popped into my head, Dostoevsky.He probably thought crime and punishment were opposites, so he put the two words together.Crime and punishment are incompatible words.Dostoevsky thought crime and punishment were opposites. He wrote about green algae, foul-smelling pools, and messy hearts. I kind of got it, but not enough.These thoughts raced through my mind, and at this moment——

"Hey, come and take a look, what a weird broad bean."

Horiki got up and went downstairs staggeringly just now, but soon turned back from downstairs, his tone of speech and the expression on his face changed.

"what happened?"

The two of us slowly came down from the top floor, feeling the strange atmosphere around us.When we came to the middle of the stairs between the second floor and the first floor, Horiki suddenly stopped, pointed to a place and whispered to me: "Look over there."

There is a small window above the room in my house, and now the small window is open. Standing on the stairs, you can see the scene in the room.There is a light in the room, and there are two "animals" under the light.

I felt dizzy and my breathing became short of breath. "This is the face of a man, this is the face of a man." I whispered in my heart, trying to calm myself down.I stood blankly on the steps, and even forgot to rush to rescue Yoshiko.

Horiki coughed loudly.I turned around and rushed to the roof, lying on the ground looking at the dull night sky.What that scene brought to me was neither sadness, anger, nor disgust, but deep fear.This kind of fear is not the fear of meeting ghosts in the cemetery, but the deep-rooted fear of encountering a white-clothed god in the forest of a shrine.Since that night, I have grown bald heads.It was also from then on that I became more suspicious of people and lost confidence in everything.I began to stop having any expectations of the world, and gradually lost the ability to work with people.This incident was a major turning point in my life.I was severely cut between the eyebrows, and every time I came into contact with people, I would touch that wound.

"I sympathize with you, but you should have a little bit of experience. You are hell, and I will not come to you again. You are not a decent person, so please forgive me. I will go first and leave."

Horiki would not stay in such an embarrassing place, he was a very smart person.

I stood up and drank soju and cried.

Haozi didn't know when she came up. She was standing behind me with a plate of broad beans in her hand, staring at me blankly.

"If I didn't do anything..."

"Don't say anything. You just trust others so much, you don't know how to doubt. Sit down and eat broad beans together."

We sat side by side on the ground and ate broad beans.Is it a sin to trust others?The man was an uneducated cartoonist in his thirties and of short stature.Every time he came to me to draw comics, he would take out some money and put it here.

The man never came again.In fact, I don't hate him very much, but when I thought that Horiki didn't yell to stop him when he first found out, and even ran back to inform me, I was filled with resentment.This resentment haunts me like a devil when I can't sleep at night.

It's not about forgiving and unforgiving, Yoshiko doesn't know how to doubt people, she's a genius at trusting.This is a good thing and a bad thing.

I asked God, is it a sin to believe in others?

The tarnishing of Haozi's trust hurts me more than the tarnishing of Haozi's trust.I am the kind of person who is timid in doing things, likes to act on the face of others, and can't trust others.For me, Yoshiko's heart that never doubts others is as refreshing as Aoba Waterfall.But now it turned into dirty water overnight.From that night on, Yoshiko began to observe my face, paying close attention to every expression of mine.

"Hey."

Every time I call her she freaks out.When you look at me, your eyes are evasive.No matter what jokes I tell, she doesn't laugh, always looks panicked, and uses honorifics indiscriminately when she talks to me.

Is pure trust the source of evil?

I privately searched for stories of married women being raped, but the violations suffered by these people were not good or miserable.What happened to Yoshiko doesn't make a story at all.There is no feeling at all between Haozi and that man. If there is, I will feel better.But the fact is that one night in summer, Yoshiko believed in that man.My eyebrows seemed to have been slashed head-on, my voice became vicissitudes, and white hair grew on my head.As for Haozi, she lived in fear for the rest of her life.Most of the stories I've read focus on whether the husband forgave his wife, but I don't think that's a problem.Husbands who really have the power to decide whether they can forgive are very lucky.If the wife is considered inexcusable, the divorce can be done peacefully.If you can't let go of this relationship, hold back and forgive your wife.I even thought that as long as the husband has the heart, any problem can be solved.That is to say, such a thing is indeed a heavy blow to the husband, but it is a blow, which is different from the endless waves.A husband who has the right to make a choice can solve this problem with anger.But as a husband, I have no rights. Every time I think about it, I feel that I am the one who is wrong. I dare not even complain, let alone get angry.The wife is violated because of her unique qualities.Her hallmark was a pure trust, something her husband had longed for.

Is it also a sin to have a pure trusting heart?

I have doubts about the only thing I can rely on, and the only thing that interests me now is wine.I was immersed in wine all day long, so that my teeth fell out, and the cartoons I drew were almost all erotic pictures.In fact, from then on, I began to copy erotic pictures and sell them secretly, and then used the money to drink.Yoshiko didn't dare to open her eyes to look at me. I thought maybe she was completely unsuspecting, so she had sex with that man more than once.What about Horiki?She probably had sex with everyone I knew.Although I began to doubt her, I still dare not question her face to face.I was tormented by fear and anxiety, and I only dared to ask her humbly after I was drunk.My emotions go up and down, but I cover it up with a joke.I felt like I was in a terrible hell, caressing Yoshiko and falling asleep.

At the end of that year, I went out to drink at night and got very drunk. When I got home, I wanted to drink a glass of sugar water. I looked at Yoshiko who was sleeping soundly, and I went to the kitchen to find a sugar bowl.I opened the jar to find only a slim black box inside.I took it out and looked at the label affixed to it, and was shocked.Most of the label had been scraped off with a fingernail, and the part that hadn't been scraped off had "DIAL" written in English.

Although I used soju to sleep at the time, I used to suffer from insomnia, so I knew most of the sleeping pills.Just a box of DIAL can put a person to death.I haven't taken sleeping pills for a long time, and Yoshiko must have bought them.Although the carton hadn't been opened yet, she should have made up her mind, so she scraped off the label and hid it here.Because she didn't know the words on it, she scraped off half of it with her nails to hide it (not your fault).

I poured a glass of water, slowly tore open the package, ate all the medicine inside, then turned off the light and went to sleep.

It is said that I slept for three full days and three nights.The doctor decided that I had taken an overdose by mistake, so I didn't call the police.The first thing I said when I woke up was "I'm going home".Even I myself don't know where "home" is, but when I heard that I said it, I burst into tears.

The scene in front of him gradually became clear, and "Flounder" sat on the edge of the bed and spoke with a stinking face.

"It was the end of the year last time, and it's the end of the year again this time. If I have to do something at this time, my old life will be paid to him sooner or later."

Listening to him was the proprietress of the tavern in Kyobashi.

"Ma'am." I called her.

"What's the matter, ah, you're awake." The proprietress said to me with a smile.

Looking at her smiling face, my tears flowed down.

I said something that surprised me: "Let me break up with Yoshiko."

The proprietress sighed and stood up.

Then I made another shocking statement, not sure if I was being funny or stupid.

"I'm going to a place where there are no women."

"Hahaha." "Flounder" laughed wantonly, the proprietress laughed softly, and even I smiled wryly while tears streaming down my face.

"That's a good idea," said Flounder jokingly. "You'd better go where there are no women. You can't do anything with women. You have a good idea."

In the future, this sentence really came true.

Yoshiko became even more timid in front of me. She seemed to think that I was taking poison to kill herself instead of her.She doesn't talk to me nicely, and she doesn't smile.She doesn't smile no matter what I say, and I find it too boring to be in the apartment, so I always go out for cheap drinks.After the sleeping pill incident, I lost weight quickly, and I was so tired that I couldn't even draw cartoons. When "Flounder" visited me, he left a sum of condolence money ("Flounder" said it was a little thought from him, but it should have been sent by my brother from my hometown. I can already see through "Flounder"'s acting skills, but I still pretend to be something I don’t even know, accept the money he handed me, and thank him. I don’t know why “Flounder” did this, I just vaguely feel that something is wrong).I took this money and went to the hot spring town of Southern Izu to play, but I really couldn't enjoy this leisurely trip.When I think of Yoshiko, I feel very lonely in my heart. I can't maintain a peaceful mind at all, and I don't have the heart to look at the distant mountains from the room.So instead of changing into a padded robe and soaking in hot water, I rushed out of the hotel, went into a dirty tea shop to drink soju, made my body worse and worse, and returned to Tokyo.

It was snowing heavily in Tokyo that night. I was walking in the alleys of Ginza, humming drunkenly, "It takes hundreds of miles from here to my hometown, and it takes hundreds of miles from here to my hometown." snow blocks.Suddenly I vomited all over the ground, and a big sun flag formed on the snow. That was the first time I vomited blood.I squatted on the ground for a long time, picked up Bai Xue, who was not stained with blood, and washed my face, and started crying after washing.

"Where is this?"

"Where is this?"

In the distance came the mournful singing of a girl.There are many unfortunate people in this world, or everyone in this world is unfortunate.They can speak out about their misfortune, and most people in the world can understand and sympathize with them.But my misfortune was caused by my own sins, and I couldn't tell others at all.If I utter a word of protest, all the people in the world will be shocked by it, just like "Flounder" said "How dare you say such a thing?" Am I selfish and willful or too cowardly?Anyway, I am a sinner, and I can only let myself continue to fall into misfortune.

I stood up, trying to find some place to take some medicine.There happened to be a pharmacy nearby, so I walked in and greeted the proprietress.The proprietress looked at me blankly with wide-eyed eyes, as if caught by a flashlight for an instant.What came out of her eyes was not shock and disgust, but pleading for help or yearning.I think she should also be an unfortunate person, so she can instantly perceive the misfortune of the other party.The proprietress stood there leaning on a cane, as if she was about to fall to the ground at any moment.I continued to look at her, suppressing the urge to move forward.While watching each other, the two shed tears.

I walked out of the pharmacy in silence, staggered back to the apartment, drank the salt water that Haozi made me, and went to sleep.The next day I said that I had a cold and lay in bed for a whole day.At night, I remembered that I was throwing up blood, and I was terrified, so I got out of bed and went to the pharmacy.This time I smiled at the proprietress and told her the truth.

"You can't drink anymore."

We talk like family.

"Probably alcoholism. I want to keep drinking."

"Don't do this. My husband has tuberculosis and is addicted to drinking. He said that alcohol can kill bacteria. He could have lived a few years longer, but..."

"I'm going crazy."

"I'll give you medicine, but you must stop drinking."

The proprietress’s crutch made a “dongdong” sound (she had polio when she was five years old, and it was difficult for her to walk on one foot. She had a son who was studying in Chiba or a medical university. During his studies, he got tuberculosis, and now he is out of school In the hospital. She also had a father-in-law who had a stroke), and she rummaged through the cabinets to find me medicine.

This is a hematopoietic agent.

This is vitamin injection, the syringe is here.

This is calcium tablets and amylase, which can regulate the stomach.

She put five or six medicines in front of me, and introduced their names and functions in detail.For me, the love of this proprietress is too heavy.She finally pulled out a small box wrapped in paper and told me "use this when you want to drink".

The little box she finally handed me contained morphine injections.

The proprietress said, "This thing is not as harmful as alcohol." At that time, I just felt that drinking alcohol was a shameful thing, and I always wanted to get rid of alcohol.I listened to what she said, and without any hesitation, I directly injected an injection into my arm.All fears, insecurities, and anxieties disappeared, and I became a lively and cheerful person again.This is really a good thing. Every time I get an injection, I can forget about the weakness of my body, devote myself to my work, and the ideas in my mind continue to emerge.

From the original one injection a day to two injections a day, and then to four injections a day, and then developed to the point where I couldn't work without injections.

"It can't be like this, it will be troublesome if you become addicted."

After the proprietress said this, I realized that I should have been addicted for a long time (I am easily influenced and suggested by others. For example, someone said to me, "I told you that the money can't be spent, what's the use of it, in the end I didn't want you Decide for yourself”, I will think that not spending money will let the other person down, so I will spend the money immediately).The fear and anxiety about addiction made me more and more dependent on drugs.

"Please give me another box, and I will definitely settle the money at the end of the month."

"There is no need to worry about the money, but the police are very strict now."

There is always something sinful about me.

"Miss Boss, please find a way to deal with them, just help me, please, please, let me kiss you."

The lady boss's face turned red instantly.

I cling to her weakness: "I can't work at all now, that medicine is like an aphrodisiac to me."

"Then you should get hormone injections."

"No kidding, either let me drink or give me medicine, or I can't work at all."

"Definitely not drinking."

"Am I right? I haven't touched alcohol since I took the pills. It keeps me in good shape. From now on I'm going to stop drinking and try to be a great painter. I don't want to Draw those third-rate cartoons. Now is the critical moment, please. Let me kiss you."

She walked to the medicine shelf, and the crutch made a "dongdong" sound.

"I can only give you half, lest you use up all at once."

"It's stingy."

When I got home, I immediately injected an injection into my arm.

Haozi asked worriedly, "Does it hurt?"

"It hurts. But in order to improve work efficiency, no matter how painful it is, I have to endure it. Look, have I been very energetic recently? It's time for me to work, work!" I shouted excitedly.

I once ran to the door of the pharmacy in the middle of the night and knocked hard on the door. The proprietress in pajamas came to open the door with a cane. I hugged her and kissed her, pretending to cry.

The proprietress silently handed me a box of medicine.

Medicine is the same as soju.No.I was addicted when I realized that medicine was worse than soju.It's really shameful.I started imitating erotic pictures, and I also had sex with the disabled lady boss.It's all because of that drug.

There is no room for redemption for everything, nothing can be done now, I want to die.I no longer expect to ride a bicycle to Aoba Falls.The filth and sins piled up in my heart continued to torment me.Death is my only way out, and life is the root of all evil.Although I already had such an idea, I still ran frantically between the apartment and the pharmacy.

My medications were on the rise, and no matter how much work I did, I couldn't pay off my drug bills.Every time they met the proprietress, both of them had tears in their eyes.

hell.

There is another way of escaping hell, and if that doesn't work, I'll hang myself.I made a bet on the existence of God, and wrote a letter to my father in my hometown, telling me all about my situation in detail (I have never been able to write about women).

It turned out to be worse.I was looking forward to it all day long, and the restlessness of waiting made me increase the dosage.I decided to give ten injections at once tonight, and then jump into Okawa to finish it off.But in the afternoon, "Flounder" appeared in front of me, and Horiki.

"I heard you vomited blood."

Horiki asked, sitting cross-legged in front of me, with a gentle smile on his face that I had never seen before.I looked at his face with such joy and gratitude in my heart that I turned my head to let the tears fall.I was completely shattered at his tender smile.

I got in the car. "You are hospitalized first, don't worry about the rest, we are here." When "Flounder" said this to me, he was very calm (this kind of calm can almost be described as compassion), I cried endlessly, like a Let them at their mercy like a puppet.Yoshiko also got into the car with us.The car bumped for a long time, and we finally arrived at the gate of a large hospital in the forest when it was dark.

I always thought they were going to send me to a nursing home.

A gentle doctor examined me.After a careful examination, the doctor said to me a little shyly, "You need to rest, so just stay here for a while."

Yoshiko gave me a bag containing a change of clothes, and then took out a syringe and my leftover medicine from her waist and stuffed them to me. She really thought it was aphrodisiac.Then Flounder, Horiki, and Yoshiko turned and left, leaving me here alone.

When Yoshiko gave me the medicine, I said, "I don't need it now."

This should be the first time I have rejected someone, which is very rare.The reason why I got to where I am today is because I don't know how to reject others.This has done myself and others a great disservice.But when I saw Haozi take out the morphine that drove me crazy, I refused, probably because I was moved by Haozi's "holy ignorance".Did I get off the drug in that instant?
I was immediately taken to the ward by the shy doctor, and with a "click", the door was locked tightly.In fact, this is a madhouse.

"I'm going to a place where there are no women." A nonsense uttered during the sleeping pill incident came true.The ward is full of male mental patients, even the nurses are men.

I turned out to be crazy.No, I'm not crazy.But I've heard most madmen say that about themselves.In other words, those who were locked up in this hospital were all lunatics, and those who were not locked up were normal people.

Is it a sin not to resist?

Under Horiki's gentle smile, I gave up thinking and resisting, so I was brought here to be a lunatic.Even if I leave here, I still bear the brand of "crazy" on my body, and it may be more appropriate to say "cripple".

Lost the qualifications to be a human being.

I am no longer human.

I came here in early summer, and the small pond outside the bars was covered with red water lilies.After three months, the cosmos in the yard bloomed.At this time, the eldest brother from my hometown came over with "Flounder" and wanted to pick me up.He said to me with some seriousness: "Father passed away due to a stomach ulcer at the end of last month. We will not pursue your past, and you can do nothing. There is only one request. You must leave Tokyo immediately and go to the countryside to recuperate. Mr. Shibuda Already helped you with Tokyo, you need to remember."

The mountains and rivers of my hometown seemed to appear in front of my eyes, and I nodded slightly.

Really became a waste person.

After knowing that my father was dead, I became more and more depressed.The distress in his heart was swept away with his father's departure.I wonder if it was because of my father that my previous distress was so heavy?Now that my father is gone, I am like a deflated balloon, without the ability to worry.

Big Brother fulfilled his promise to me.In the south of the town where I grew up, there is a very rare warm seaside hot spring town, which can be reached in four or five hours by car.The place where I live is five rooms in size, and it looks very old. There are moth-eaten marks on the wall studs, and the wall skin has peeled off. I don't know where to start the renovation.My eldest brother bought me such a hut and hired a maid to take care of my life.The maid is nearly 61 years old, has red hair and looks very ugly.

During the three years, this maid named Ah Tie raped me in weird ways many times.In the beginning, we would fight like husband and wife.My lung disease recurred, and sometimes I coughed up blood.Yesterday I asked Ah Tie to help me go to the pharmacy in the village to buy the sleeping pill Karmoqin.I didn't notice that the medicine she bought was different from before. I just found it strange that I still couldn't fall asleep after taking eleven pills.Suddenly I felt a cramping pain in my abdomen, so I ran to the bathroom immediately.Then ran three more times.I picked up the medicine box suspiciously, and found that it said "Hainomochin", which is a laxative.

I lay on the bed, put the hot water bottle on my stomach, originally wanted to complain about Ah Tie.

"Hey, this is Heinomochin, not Karmochin."

I just opened my mouth, and I laughed first.I took a laxative called Heinomochin because I thought I couldn't sleep.It seems that "waste" is a comic noun.

I am neither happy nor unhappy in my current state.

Everything will end.

I've lived a miserable life in the hellish human world, and that's probably the only truth I believe in.

Everything will pass in this way.

I'm going to be 27 soon, but everyone thinks I'm over forty because of my gray hair.

postscript
Although I don't know who wrote this letter, the proprietress of the Kyobashi tavern mentioned in it is somewhat similar to someone I know.She has a pair of slender red phoenix eyes, a high nose bridge, a poor complexion, and a petite figure, much like a handsome young man.She comes across as serious and decent.According to my guess, what is described in this manuscript is the events of Showa [-], [-], and [-].In the [-]th year of the Showa era, under the leadership of my friend, I went to the tavern in Kyobashi three times and drank Highball.At that time, the arrogance of the Japanese "Military Department" was high, so it was impossible to meet the owner of the letter.

In February of this year, I went to visit a friend who studied at the same university as me and is now a lecturer at a women's university.She was later evacuated to Funabashi City, Chiba Prefecture.I once asked her to match a relative in my family, and this time I came here for this purpose, and brought some fresh seafood to my family, so I set off for Funabashi City with my backpack on my back.

Facing the sea of ​​mud, Funabashi is a big city. My friend just moved here, so I won't be able to find it for a while.It was cold and I was tired from carrying my backpack, so I walked into a cafe with the sound of a violin playing.I looked at the proprietress in front of me, feeling very familiar. After careful inquiry, I found out that she was the proprietress of the Kyobashi Tavern.After my reminder, she seemed to remember it too.Usually at this time, everyone would ask each other about the air raid and greet each other, but we just chatted like boasting to each other: "You haven't changed at all, you are still the same."

"Now that you're an old woman, your bones are falling apart, so you really haven't changed at all."

"You are too kind, I have three children. I came here today to buy something for them."

We seem to be friends who haven't seen each other for a long time. We sit together and greet each other in a fixed mode, asking about the situation of friends we know each other.After a while, the proprietress asked suddenly: "Do you know Xiaoye?" I said no.The proprietress turned around and walked into the inner room, and took out three photos and three notebooks.

"This might be the subject of a novel."

I'm not used to using what other people force on me as the subject of a novel.I originally wanted to return it to her on the spot, but I was attracted by the photos, so I decided to return it to her when I went home.I asked the proprietress: "Do you know XX? She is a lecturer at a women's university and lives in a certain street." Because the proprietress is also a new resident, she knew my friend and said that my friend lived nearby. , I usually come to the store to sit and sit.

That night I found a friend, drank a little wine at her house, and slept in her house.Fascinated by the stories in three notebooks, I stayed up all night.The manuscript tells the story of the past, which may be of great interest to modern people.I think it's better to submit it directly to the magazine for publication without any modification.

As a result, I didn't buy fresh seafood, and all I brought back for the children were dry goods.With my backpack on, I said goodbye to my friends and walked around to the cafe.

"Thank you yesterday, can you lend me these notebooks for a while?"

"Of course you can."

"Is this person still alive?"

"I don't know. I got these things about ten years ago, and they were mailed to the Kyobashi Tavern. Although the name and address were not written on the package, I'm sure it was sent by Xiaoye. During the air raid, it Mixed with other stuff, it's really weird that it didn't break anything, I just finished watching it a while ago..."

"Did you cry?"

"No, it's just... people have become like that, and there must be no way to save them."

"Ten years have passed, and he may have passed away a long time ago. Maybe it was to repay you, so I sent you this thing. Although some of it is a bit exaggerated, you should also be deeply hurt. If the situation inside is true , I will also take him to a mental hospital."

"It's all his father's fault. The Xiaoye I know is a straightforward and quick-witted person, as long as he doesn't drink... Even if he drinks, he is still a good boy like a god."

Villon's wife, Villon, refers to Francois Villon.Francois Villon, the most outstanding lyric poet in the middle ages of France, spent his whole life debauched.Villon's wife is a metaphor for the wife of a dissolute man.Villon refers to Francois Villon.Francois Villon, the most outstanding lyric poet in the middle ages of France, spent his whole life debauched.Villon's wife is a metaphor for the wife of a dissolute man.

(End of this chapter)