If you can love like this

Chapter 14

But why, this woman I should have hated has created my love in my heart, even if this love is vague, contradictory, or even depraved, I am willing to let go of my pride and taste this sudden happiness and sadness.Yesha didn't make it, but she made it.This made me hesitate and feel guilty, why this woman?

It pains me, it tortures me, it makes me remember that I still have love (for a time I thought I would never have it in this life)!For many years, I have almost been in despair, but I am not reconciled, I think, even if God does not let me get love, at least let me see what my love is like, because the whole meaning of my life is to Waiting for a long-lasting love, my whole life and strength are for this love.Now, love is here, but it is brought by her...

I cried hoarsely before I finished reading it, put down the diary and ran out of the study as if fleeing.I ran back to my apartment, hid in the house and cried all day.In fact, it should have been thought of long ago, why did it take until now to face up to it?I didn't dare to tell anyone, not even Milan. I was silently enduring the blow and torment like a storm and tsunami, because only I knew that I was actually taking revenge on him, but this was just an initial thought, love I've given up on him.Unexpectedly, he never gave up. Although I doubted it, but seeing him being so emotional to me, I never thought that he was still trapped in the abyss of hatred and couldn't extricate himself.

When he came back at night, he didn't realize that I had read the diary, and he was still in love with me.I lay in his arms, looked at his tired face, and suddenly sympathized with this man more than I sympathized with myself.

But the next day, we had our first big quarrel since we met.

He originally had good intentions, drove to the radio station on time to pick me up from get off work, and asked me how my day was going.I said, how you live, how I live.He immediately felt that I was not in the right mood. He looked at me, his eyes flickered, and he didn't speak again.Back at the apartment, after dinner, we sat on the couch and watched TV.In fact, no one saw it, each of them was thinking about their own thoughts.

"Go to bed, it's late!" He turned off the TV, got up and went to the bathroom.

I still sat on the sofa without moving, unwilling to do anything, and in a very bad mood.After a while, his voice came from the bathroom: "Kao'er, I forgot to take my pajamas, help me."

"Where's your pajamas?"

"In the bottom drawer of my wardrobe."

"Okay, wait a minute."

As I said that, I entered the bedroom. The bedroom was very big, and there were two wardrobes, and his was inside.Usually, everyone's clothes are put away separately, and everyone forms a tacit understanding, and rarely touches each other's things.I knelt down and pulled open the drawer under the closet vigorously, looked through, found no pajamas, and opened another drawer, I was shocked when I opened it, it was full of women's clothes, mostly The bras and panties, both exquisite and luxurious, were neatly folded, and I knew right away who they belonged to.He still has Yesha's stuff!No wonder he refuses to let people touch his closet casually, I understand, I understand everything, not only has he not given up, he is still keeping it... I watched those underwear trembling all over, and tears welled up in my eyes.

"Who told you to touch my things?!" A roar suddenly came from behind.

I stood up instinctively, looking at the person who was angry at me with tears all over my face, at a loss.

"Who gave you the right to rummage through other people's things, have you been educated?" He stood in front of him wrapped in a bath towel, looking fierce as if I had done something outrageous.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to."

"It wasn't intentional? Was it? I'm afraid it wasn't it?" The man in front of him suddenly became very strange, with an angry expression on his face, and sneered, "Haven't you been exploring my affairs all the time? Why pretend in front of me!"

"Who pretended in front of you? If I really wanted to watch it, would I choose to watch it at this time? I had plenty of time to watch it during the half month you went to Shanghai! So what if I watched it, what's shameful, it's you If you have ghosts in your heart, you are afraid of being seen!" I also got angry and stared at him without showing any weakness.

"That's enough, you don't need to explain, I understand everything you want to know, don't think you are smart, I have already warned you, don't go to the bottom of things you shouldn't know! Why are you so ignorant?"

"I don't know what's interesting?" I cried, "Then tell me what I should know and what I shouldn't know, can you explain it to me?"

"I won't explain! Why should I explain to you!"

"That proves that you have a ghost in your heart!"

"I have ghosts in my heart, but don't you have ghosts in your heart?" He retorted.

"Okay, okay, I can't tell you, I was wrong, okay? Are you satisfied?"

I was so angry that I rushed out of the bedroom, grabbed a coat on the sofa, and ran out without even changing my shoes.I ran to Milan's apartment in tears, because my own house was lent to Aunt Qi Shujie's son as a wedding room, and I had nowhere to go but to find Milan.Milan hates iron but not steel, "I said earlier that Geng Mochi is not easy, so I told you not to get too deep, how about it, have you tasted the pain?"

"What's the use of talking about it now? Don't mention him!" I shouted with red eyes.

The process of getting the house was a lot of trouble. After the house was back, I immediately hired someone to redecorate it, and then took a spare time to go to his apartment. I wanted to get my things back.It has been more than a month since he rushed out of the house, and he didn't even make a phone call. I wonder why I didn't find him so cold before.I went there at night, opened the door by myself, and went straight into the bedroom to pack my things.He was in the study at the time, and when he saw someone coming in, he came out to check the situation. He should have thought it was me. Besides me, who would have the key to his apartment?

He was not surprised to see me at all, and said coldly: "You don't need to clean up, I will clean up for you, I know you will come to get it sooner or later."

My eyes were straightened, and his words strongly stimulated me, like a flash of lightning, making me suddenly see something terrible, and my eyes widened suddenly, "You... have already prepared for me to get out?"

Before the words were finished, unfulfilling tears rolled down again.

But he turned a blind eye, leaned against the bedroom door with a book and said arrogantly: "If you want to move out, no one will stop you, but you have to think about it, and don't come back after you go out."

"Come back?" I stared directly at this incredible monster, "I will come back? To hell with you, I will never come back even if I die! Inhuman things, I don't want to see you again in this life! "

I snarled, picked up the suitcase and pushed him away viciously, "Get out of the way! Let me out!" I walked across the living room and scrambled on my shoes.Before going out, the bastard said another sentence: "This is just a game, you are too serious." After a pause, he said, "Would you like me to see you off? It's very late."

"Send your soul away! Bastard!" I slammed the door heavily after cursing.Then I came to the apartment in Milan with my luggage. My house has not been renovated yet, so I can only live here in Milan temporarily.

Milan originally wanted to ask me what Geng Mochi said when I went to pick up my luggage, but seeing my expression, he didn't dare to speak.I didn't bother to explain, so I ran into the room and buried myself under the quilt without saying a word.

For many days after that, I didn't say anything, I had nothing to say, and I didn't go to work, so I was really not in the mood.Milan leaves early and returns late, and the two rarely meet each other.There is a big fish tank in the living room, in which there are many bulging-eyed goldfish. I stare at those goldfish all day in a daze. At night, when Milan falls asleep, I can’t sleep. Man, only those goldfish are alive in this house.

I found it interesting that those cute fish sleep with their eyes open, floating motionless on the surface of the water, as if they are always on guard for fear that someone will hurt them.I thought to myself, even the fish know how to be vigilant and protect themselves. As a human being, I am not as good as those fish!

I couldn't sleep all night and all night. I sat in the living room until dawn. The fish were still swimming happily. I found that I also became a fish sleeping with my eyes open. I didn't dare to close my eyes. I was afraid. Darkness, because I can't find myself at all in the dark.I was in a trance all day long, at a loss, paced up and down in the room all night, and bit my hands and hair with my teeth, even the pillow and quilt. It was my broken hair, and the pillow and quilt were also bitten out of small holes.

On those cold rainy nights, I often wandered alone in the garden downstairs, looking sadly at the endless dark night, even though the rain drenched my clothes, I didn't feel anything.Milan came back late that day and saw me sitting stupidly on the stone bench in the garden downstairs again, so he dragged me upstairs, and when I entered the room, I lay down on the window sill and stared at the dark night in a daze. Milan didn’t call me anything. reaction.

"Milan, come and see, he turned on the light!"

At this time, I was already delirious, and I suddenly had hallucinations in front of my eyes, and I waved excitedly at Milan.Milan looked out, the lights were dark, and the lights of Geng Mochi’s apartment couldn’t be seen here at all, but I insisted that I saw the lights over there, and I leaned out and muttered to myself: “Look! He’s playing the piano again Well, he's alone, which piece is he playing? Let me think about it, it's "Farewell", he often plays that piece for me...Look, he went downstairs again, he turned on Where is the car going, to the cemetery? What is he doing standing in front of the cemetery, talking to ghosts? He would rather talk to ghosts than to talk to me, Milan, why do you think this is? Why didn't he just bury me too Going into the deep underground, I am inside, he is outside, then will he be willing to tell me what is in his heart, just like he is standing in front of his wife's tomb and talking now... But I am afraid this is also a luxury. Looking at the tombstone, I still can’t see through his heart, I’m tossing and turning in the grave, I can’t rest in peace, because I can’t see through his heart, so I can’t rest in peace, even if I die a hundred times!”

"Kaoer, what's the matter with you? What's the matter with you!" Milan was terrified by my state, grabbed my shoulder and shook desperately.After being shaken by her a few times, my consciousness seemed to come back, and only then did I realize that I had a fever and my whole body was hot.

Knowing that the problem was serious, Milan dragged me to the hospital the next day.After the doctor asked about the situation, he prescribed some sedatives, saying that it was only a short-term mental disorder. After going home and resting for a few days, he will recover slowly, but he must not be stimulated again. Or long-term mental depression can cause the condition to change or even worsen.

Milan was terrified, so he had to go to Geng Mochi and show him the medical certificate issued by the doctor, hoping that he could save me.

According to Milan later, Geng Mochi's attitude was very indifferent, and he only said one sentence: "I will not see her, I have already let her go and gave her a way out, it is her own business that she can't escape, there is nothing I can do..."

In the days that followed, I didn't know whether it was the effect of the medicine or my subconscious desire to live, but I actually adjusted and gradually returned to normal.Although he still looks ugly and skinny, he is much more conscious and rarely speaks nonsense anymore.Only then did Milan breathe a sigh of relief, thinking that I cannot die, even though my appearance is not much different from that of a dead person.

It’s really like I’ve died once, I’m totally broken, I’m silent, I often don’t say a word for a few days, I seem to be deliberately ignoring my language function, and I haven’t returned to the radio station to go to work for several months.Thanks to Milan's care and comfort, I gradually recovered after recuperating for a few days, and the house was just renovated, so I moved out of Milan's apartment and returned to my own residence.

At this time, summer has come to an end, and the cold autumn wind blows all over the streets and alleys overnight, and the ground is full of withered and yellow sycamore leaves.

I haven't seen him for two years.

Although I occasionally see news about him in newspapers and TV, I know that man has nothing to do with me.In the past two years, his career has been flourishing, and the LOVE series has become popular both at home and abroad. His name has been widely heard in the music industry, and every time I hear or see his name, my heart will be stabbed severely. More blood flowed.So I can only pray silently, don't let me meet him in Shanghai, I don't want to see him again in this life, if God still wants me to live a good life!
The recording work in Shanghai is busy and orderly, and the recording conditions here are indeed much better than in Star City.With the help of Feng Ke's friends, one of the most famous recording studios in Shanghai agreed to rent the studio to us.This recording studio is currently one of the best in China. Not only is the equipment first-class, but the recording and post-production level is also top-notch. Many popular singers' albums are released from this recording studio, and even many foreign record companies come to schedule their schedules.If it weren't for Feng Ke's friends to come forward, I'm afraid it might not be our turn until the end of the year.Because the billing of the recording studio is calculated on a daily basis, in order to save costs and meet the schedule, we spend more than ten hours in the recording studio every day, and sometimes stay up all night.Every time I come out of the recording studio and look at the neon lights and car lights on the street, it feels like seeing the sun again.

When the recording was coming to an end, Feng Ke saw that everyone was really tired, so in order not to affect the quality of the recording, he gave us a half-day vacation and free activities.Ah Qing and several other female colleagues were very happy, and they insisted on dragging me to go shopping. In fact, I was very unwell in those few days. I had a severe cold and I was not acclimatized. It has always been strong.I wanted to rest in the hotel, but I couldn't resist Ah Qing and the others, so I had to go shopping with them, but I got separated from them when I was shopping in a department store on Nanjing Road.At first I was very anxious, and then I talked to Ah Qing on the phone, she said that if you get separated, you can go shopping by yourself, there are too many people, time is precious, don't look around.

So I wandered slowly on the bustling Nanjing Road alone, without a goal or direction, feeling the luxury and prosperity of old Shanghai alone.I don't like this kind of prosperity very much. The scene of the crowds and traffic in front of me is really far from the old Shanghai described by Eileen Chang. However, if you look carefully, you can still capture some remnants of old Shanghai in the winding alleys. Shadow aftertaste.I prefer the old workshop-style cheongsam shop. Every cheongsam is a beautiful work of art, reminiscent of Wong Kar-wai's movies, and the loneliness under Maggie Cheung's cheongsam is fascinating.I looked at each family, finally turned out of an unknown alley, and found that I was standing on a busy street again. Only then did I feel that my body was almost unable to support.

I saw a cafe across the road and decided to stop in.When I crossed the road and passed a well-decorated piano store, my heart felt as if I had been struck by something, and I stopped involuntarily...

The sound of the piano coming from the piano store is very familiar, I have heard it before.And I suddenly realized that the person playing this piece of music is in this city!
The most important thing is that this song does not belong to the LOVE series. I heard that person said that this is a private work that has never been published, so why do you hear it here?

The side of the store facing the street is a floor-to-ceiling window. Looking in through the glass, the girl playing the piano is a young girl with long hair. From the side, she should be about the same age as me. She is wearing a beige dress and an orange sweater. It feels like autumn.Because of the distance, I can't see her facial features clearly, but the quiet and feminine aura she exudes is very harmonious with the comfortable and luxurious decoration in the store. Besides her, there are two other girls who look like shop assistants in the store. Listen to her play the piano.I couldn't help but walked in.

For two years, I didn't expect to hear the long-lost piano sound in such a place.So much so that I stood at the door, unable to move for a long time, as if I was immersed in a long-awaited dream.

(End of this chapter)