Small Times 3.0 Golden Age
Chapter 13 CHAPTER 12
Chapter 13 CHAPTER 12
In fact, that was not the last day we spent in that old house on Nanjing West Road, oh, I mean, after the quarrel that completely changed the trajectory of our lives, I actually continued to live in that I lived in the villa for a while before I moved out from there.
I'm not the last one to leave that villa.Just thinking about it, I knew that the last person to leave was, of course, Gu Li.But I was the one who stuck by her side until the last moment.Every time I think of this, the guilt that is surging in my heart and is about to overwhelm me can be more or less calmed down a little bit, just like when an asthmatic patient has an attack, someone quietly handed him a stretcher paper bag.
Every time I think back to those days—to be honest, I suspect this hopelessly morbid nostalgic obsessive-compulsive disorder may haunt me for the rest of my life, hearing familiar songs, seeing old copper street lamps on a certain road, Smell a certain smell... There are too many trigger points, which can make me immediately sink into the quagmire of memories-the scene I recall the most is our quarrel that day, the end of the picture will always be Freezing on Tang Wanru's bewildered and frightened face, the blood gurgling from the corners of her mouth dripped and fell on Gu Li's expensive FENDI carpet, solidifying into black stains one by one, which looked like blood in the forest. After the animal was shot by the hunter's arrow feathers, the hot blood fell into the hole made in the snow.
And then, it's gone.
It was as if God had gently pressed the pause button on the remote control in his hand.Maybe he was as deeply moved by this scene as I was. He stared at the paused picture on the sofa, squinted his eyes and thought about it for two or three seconds, and then let our life continue-continue Rush towards the beautiful ending with the sky full of sunset.
But the short pause of two or three seconds became a never-ending dream in my life that I kept repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating again and again.
Just like what was said in Tang Wanru's favorite Japanese picture book, which is childish, pretentious, and cries every page: "God just blinked, and our story began and ended again. He put We all stole."
She cried for 10 minutes after reading this page. After she wiped the snot and tears off her face with a Nanxiang quilt, she immediately went downstairs and took the page to the school's printing room to scan and copy it. It was enlarged into a painting, mounted in a white plastic frame bought from the school supermarket for 12 yuan, and hung on the living room wall of our former university dormitory.Later, the painting was ruthlessly replaced by Gu Li with an abstract modern painting bought from a gallery.The level of abstraction in that painting, how should I put it, is like a simple peasant uncle in northern Shaanxi being fed two catties of red sorghum, someone forced a stick of charcoal into his hand, and then kept turning him to the side Evidence of a crime left behind after being pushed and impacted on the canvas.
At that time, Tang Wanru was filled with righteous indignation, and almost wanted to turn Gu Li to the police station, but she was cut off by Nan Xiang's words: "Ruru, forget it, just treat her as hanging ninety pieces of 100 yuan RMB and displaying them in the living room." .”
Tang Wanru was shocked by the 9000 yuan worth of that painting.In the next few weeks, we could see relevant records searched in "Baidu Zhizhi" on the common computer in the living room, all of which were similar to "Where is the second-hand art trading market in Shanghai?" Higher prices for works of art" and other entries.
But now, 9000 yuan can no longer shock me.I mean, me, and us.
Needless to say, Gu Li, it is estimated that adding a "ten thousand" after nine thousand will make her look up at you from a pile of financial statements. To be honest, she has never been afraid to mess up the company's financial documents. I threw it on the coffee table in the living room, because she knew that with our IQs, it was impossible to understand. I tried to scan a few lines, and then I felt the gears stuck in my head. Those financial statements actually looked like It's like an alien novel sent from the R-2418 galaxy in Andromeda.
As for me, I buy all kinds of strange things from the Internet for Gong Ming every month. The bills add up to at least 10,000+, and I soon became a shopping VIP of major websites. I clicked on a bill of 9000 yuan without hesitation for even a second, even if the product I bought was just a paper clip that looked "a bit design sense".
Even Nan Xiang, recently often wears the high-end dresses provided by the company, together with Kitty and me, and accompany Gong Ming to various occasions.Those cloudy and foggy skirts we wore, just tore off a piece of the skirt, laid it flat, put it in a picture frame and hung it up, it can exceed the price of the original painting.
Later, after another year or two, when I was looking through materials in the library, I saw a description of the evolution of species on Earth. At that time, I vaguely felt that most of my memories were from that day. The reason why the picture is stagnant may be as written in the book, every creature, whether it is the spirit of all things, or the humble mayfly, has an instinctive self-protection function, which is the innate and unshakable protection of all life. The nature engraved in the DNA sequence.I think my brain also activated such a bioelectrical response, which tried to protect my senses and emotions, so that I would not repeatedly face those scarlet images that exploded and raged in the years after that day. ——As if there was a red light shade in front of him, the world was covered in a rough halo of blood.
Just like people who suffer more than seven degrees are prone to coma.
Just like when a wrist is broken, the sudden massive blood loss from the artery will cause the blood vessel to spasm and shrink the blood coagulation.
Just like when encountering a strong light or a high-speed object close to the line of sight, people will subconsciously close their eyes.
My instincts, I suppose, were stubborn and paranoid, and it kept me from everything that happened in those final days at the end of our story.That way, I don't fall into post-crash madness.
I stared at the glaring white ceiling in a daze, the sunlight outside the window was not very hot, and the mottled shadows of the trees shattered the beam of light, like a handful of broken silver scattered on the wall.There is a whole row of ancient French sycamores on Huashan Road, each of which is priceless. They have survived the baptism of time, and finally put the powder precipitated by the golden years into gold leaf on the body.Countless dilapidated houses along the road, these old houses left over from the concession period, were either bought by capitalists and renovated into elegant official residences, or they still maintained their dilapidated appearance, as if a late noblewoman was waiting for a price And sell.
The city is full of golden armour.
For 200 years, Shanghai has been like this. Under the shell of boundless prosperity and luxury, there is a forever hungry soul, which chews everything elegantly and greedily, like a starving ghost wearing gold and silver all the time.
The sound of the doctor opening the door brought me back from my endless thoughts to the present reality.
I raised my head, and the row of black stitches around Tang Wanru's mouth was shocking, as if half of a dead centipede was in her mouth.Her eyes were calm, without the expected anger.The sunlight outside the window did not shine into her dark pupils, her eyes were like fires that had been extinguished by the heavy rain, without any residual light of sparks, only a pool of wet ashes, exuding a desolate aftertone like the ash of plants and trees.
The doctor put a white surgical tray on the cabinet. Inside the tray were a pair of scissors, a pair of tweezers, a few sheets of gauze, and a box of alcohol swabs. It looked very simple. "Come over here, just sit under the spotlight." The doctor pulled out a stool from under the table and put it on the side of a soft white bench. "Turn your head back and rest your head on it. Yes, that's it."
"Don't you need to go to the operating room to remove the stitches?" I stood on the side and asked carefully.
"No need. The wound has completely healed, so there is no need to worry about bacterial infection. And this is an external thread, and the internal thread has been absorbed by the wound. Don't worry." The doctor held an alcohol cotton ball with tweezers and disinfected Tang Wanru's mouth.
There was silence in the doctor's office, and I didn't dare to speak.
The sound of scissors cutting the black surgical thread is like the feeling of a rubber band bouncing to the temple.
There was silence outside the window, not even the sound of the wind, and every leaf was still.But I seem to hear a huge and anxious cicada singing in my mind, as if all the cicadas in the world are lying in front of the window at this moment, roaring at me with all their strength.
In the past week, Tang Wanru didn't open her mouth to speak. She almost didn't move her mouth in order to heal the wound better. When she encountered any need, she would write in a small notebook with a pen. Come down and tell us.For a week, she only drank porridge and used a straw.However, the four-centimeter-long wound still exuded a stubborn blood red, and the newly grown tender flesh was pulled by more than a dozen stitches of black surgical thread, making her look like "Batman?"The neurotic clown with the corner of his mouth cut open in The Dark Knight.
After we sent Tang Wanru to the hospital that day, the doctor pushed her into the operating room without saying a word.
Half an hour later, we heard Tang Wanru crying loudly from the operating room.Gu Li and I rushed in and saw her trembling shoulders holding the mirror. She kept crying, but her mouth could not be opened because of the surgical stitches, so she could only let out a series of unpleasant whimpers in her throat.The voice sounded like a hostage in a movie who was tied up and taped to his mouth, crying for help in fear.
She threw down the mirror, grabbed the paper and pen next to it, and wrote "Will there be a scar?" Then she handed it to the doctor, who comforted her and said, "There will be a faint pink scar."
Tang Wanru breathed a sigh of relief, and I could feel a relieved smile on her face, even though the long stitched wound at the corner of her mouth made her smile look very strange and terrifying.
"But that will take three to five years." The doctor sighed, and added a little unbearably, "And you need to have no scars at all."
Tang Wanru was stunned for a while, and then slammed the mirror in his hand to the feet of Gu Li and me. In the broken pieces of the mirror, there were countless faces of Tang Wanru in despair.
I know that besides that mirror, there are actually many things that were smashed that day at the same time.
During Tang Wanru's recovery week, Gu Li, Neil and I took turns to take care of her.
Nan Xiang moved away from home the day after the quarrel.She didn't say goodbye to us, but she and Gu Zhun calmly packed things in her room. Gu Zhun bought three huge and expensive RIMOWA suitcases. I looked at the three huge suitcases. On the ground, like three monsters with huge mouths, they are bit by bit chewing up the years that once belonged to us and swallowing them into their stomachs.
Gu Zhun took two packed suitcases and went downstairs first.Only Nan Xiang was left alone in the room, tidying up and checking for the last omission.
I stood at the door and watched her calmly and leisurely fold the clothes one by one and put them into the box. Her face without makeup looked crystal clear, faintly glowing, and her whole body was filled with a kind of Looking forward to the future, it seems that she is about to set off on a beautiful journey-I am not surprised that she is so cold-blooded about the upcoming parting.A person's heart can be as soft as it wants; as hard as it wants to be.
I asked her, "Where are you going to move? No one lives in your previous home."
She didn't answer me, and continued to put away the colorful bottles and jars, large and small box lids on her dressing table, and put them into the box.
I was not reconciled, and I pinched the wood of the door frame with my hands to make myself look calm: "Are you going to move to Gu Zhun's house?" I could feel a heat wave from my knees all the way up Welling, welling up to my eye sockets to block the swelling.
Her back looked stiff for a few seconds, and then she turned her head, her smile was so beautiful, her dark eyes were surrounded by thick eyelashes, her face was small and delicate, her skin was blown by the light, like a Like fresh snow piled up on the tops of trees.She smiled and said, "Why, can't you?"
I raised the back of my hand to wipe the tears off my face, I gave in, I sniffed and said, "I hate you so much."
Nan Xiang slammed the suitcase shut, she raised her head, her eyes scanned my face back and forth earnestly, I knew that at this moment, she was very embarrassed with snot and tears, she dragged the suitcase and walked in front of me, her eyes did not flinch And give in, she stared at the tip of my nose word by word, and said to me: "Lin Xiao, do you think I don't hate you?"
That was the last word she left in this house.
This sentence is like a Taoist charm drawn with black and red chicken blood, and it is permanently pasted on the lintel of her room door.
Later, during those days when only Gu Li and I lived in this huge villa, every time I passed by the door of Nanxiang's empty room, I could hear this sentence: "Do you think I don't hate you?"
Not only is it stuck on the door lintel forever, it is also stuck on my heart forever.
On the third day after Nan Xiang moved out, Gu Yuan also moved out.
But he went far more gracefully than Nanxiang.
He didn't live here every day like the few of us, he only came over occasionally for the night, so all his possessions were nothing more than a few sets of clothes, a few bottles of toiletries, a few pieces of underwear, a few pairs of socks, a few A tie, and some biographical books he likes to read.He only needs a small cardboard box to take these away.
However, he didn't even use a cardboard box.
He just said indifferently to Gu Li, "I don't want those things anymore", then he took the key of the door off his key ring, and threw it at the door. Shaped key tray.
With a bang, the story of him and the house is over.
To be precise, the story between him and Gu Li ended.
On the night when Gu Yuan left, Gu Li put all of Gu Yuan's clothes and belongings into cardboard boxes, and she asked me to help her to move the cardboard boxes to the lawn in the yard.Gu Yuan's things are all priceless high-end goods. I think that they will definitely be taken away by the property management staff without waiting until the next morning.
Looking at the box in front of me, I suddenly remembered the quarrel between Gu Yuan and Gu Li when we were still in college a few years ago. Gu Yuan also put all the gifts that Gu Li gave him in a cardboard box. and quietly threw it at the door of our bedroom.When I was still stuck in the memories of the past, Gu Li turned around decisively and went back to the house.I looked at her back, the wind blew away her smooth and thick hair, and the street lamps shone on her wine-red hair, giving off a hazel-like redness, her thin figure was wrapped more tightly by the night, She looks like an ancient ghost who walks in the night and no longer feels sad or happy about love and hate in the world.
But a minute later, she came out of the house with a bottle of hard liquor in her hand, and she walked back to the cardboard box, unscrewed the lid and poured the wine into the box.After she calmly emptied a 1ml bottle of spirits, she took out a lighter with a silver shell from her pocket, which was a global limited edition of STDupont in Gu Yuan's collection.
Gu Li stared at the dancing flames in her hands, the flames flickered in her pupils. After watching for a few seconds, she calmly threw the whole lighter into the cardboard box full of spirits.Tongues of flame jumped out of the cardboard box in an instant, like a faint blue snake, and the whole grass suddenly lit up.
Tang Wanru walked out of the room at some point, and she stood quietly with us, saying goodbye to everything in front of her.She held me and Gu Li in two hands, and the three of us stood hand in hand on the grass, the firelight cast our shadows on the grass, we looked thin and long, and our figure was as good as a supermodel, The way we hold hands with each other looks like little sisters who love each other in cartoons.The light of the fire reflected the long and red wound at the corner of Tang Wanru's mouth. She looked like she was crying or laughing.
Later, this silent fire always appeared repeatedly in my dreams.On the empty black-green grass, a small flame was catalyzed by strong wine, emitting a faint blue light.It was supposed to be burning hot and red, but now because of this faint blue light, it seems to have no temperature.At night in late summer and early autumn, countless moths and insects floated from the dark tree shadows, and flew towards the blue flame calmly and calmly.They seem to have existed in this world for a long time. Countless memory fragments and old dust, at this moment, they are called by the silent and intense sorrow in front of them, and they are approaching this long farewell.Gu Li's face looked weak and pale in the beating firelight, and her eyes were dotted with stars, like a spinning galaxy.The three of us stood quietly in the darkness, retreating and admiring the seemingly endless burning in front of us.We all understand that the light in each other's eyes will eventually go out, just like in "Microcosm", countless galaxies, countless planets, countless civilizations, and countless lives have quietly disappeared with the passage of time.
— Nothing lasts longer.Not even light.Not even the soul.Only it is the final victor.When the universe was empty, only time remained, expanding to fill everything.
—that box eventually burned to a heap of ashes, washed away by several heavy rains, and there was no trace of it anymore.It's just that small piece of lawn, but it has left a piece of scorched black soil for a long time, and there seems to be an ugly scar on the green grass.Until all of us moved out of the villa, the scorched lawn was still bare.
——I often think that I should have known at the time that this is a hint from God to us, but we all ignore it.We've actually seen the trailer a long time ago.
After Tang Wanru had the stitches removed, she was taken home by her parents.
When something like this happened, her parents didn't bother us, which is already very reasonable.Therefore, it is difficult for us to expect them to entrust their daughter to our care.During the whole moving process, her parents were ashen-faced.Her father, in particular, kept slamming boxes on the floor and making angry noises as he was packing up.
I can actually understand them quite well.They just showed us face, but didn't rush up and beat us to the point of disheveled hair.If my daughter's face is pulled out like this, I will definitely call the police and go to court anyway. If I don't pay seven to eight million yuan, I will never end.Although in this accident, no one knew exactly who pushed Tang Wanru onto the broken glass on the coffee table, but since no one is a sinner, then everyone is a sinner.
Who can say that their hands are clean?
Gu Li and I kept smiling faces and followed them back and forth, pouring water for a while, and helping to carry the boxes for a while, although most of the time we were ignored indifferently.I saw Gu Li's face froze with laughter.Her pitiful and embarrassing and flattering appearance made me feel uncomfortable.Several times, she passed her hand holding the water glass, and then stopped awkwardly in the air.I had to reach out to take the cup and put it on the windowsill helplessly.
When leaving, Tang Wanru's father didn't say anything, he didn't even say hello to Gu Li and me, he carried the boxes one by one into the trunk of the car, and then slammed the door hard.He can only use this way to express his inner anger towards me and Gu Li.A few pigeons who were pacing leisurely on the grass in the community were startled by the noise and flew up in mid-air, flapping their wings in a panic.The sound of their wings beating sounds particularly bleak in the quiet morning.
It was Tang Wanru's mother who sighed helplessly at Gu Li and me when she left. She wiped the wet corners of her eyes and said, "You guys have always made troubles since you were young, big and small. , causing troubles. But you said this time... how do you say this... She is a big girl. , Which young man can feel at ease after seeing it..." She couldn't continue talking, her lips trembled, and her chest heaved violently.
"What's the use of you talking nonsense! Hurry up!" Tang Wanru's father got out of the car and yelled at us with a livid face.His pale beard was shaking violently, and the skin around his eyes was as red as rust.
The dilapidated Passat of their family finally drove away in a chug, and disappeared at the gate of the community in a blink of an eye.That car looks too ordinary, too ordinary, even too poor, too embarrassing, it is too incompatible with the various Mercedes-Benz BMWs, Ferraris and Porsches that often appear in this villa area.Just like when Tang Wanru's parents were cleaning the room just now, Tang Wanru's parents whispered to each other from time to time. Although the lunch box is cracked, it can still be used as a soap box at home. Don't throw away the comb with the broken teeth, and keep it at home A pet can be used.Like all the ordinary people of the older generation in Shanghai, they plan their lives carefully. They are the generation that came out of the Shikumen alleys, and they are the real life in Shanghai.On the contrary, it is us, wearing Christian Louboutin red-soled shoes to participate in a cosmetics conference today, lying on the golden sands of Haitang Bay in Sanya tomorrow and applying sunscreen on our arms and thighs like paint. This kind of life seems, on the contrary It's so unreal.
I suddenly remembered a sentence Tang Wanru once said to me. It was said a few years ago when she and us went to Chongguang’s birthday party in Sheshan Villa. At that time, she was pressing the dress on her chest. The skirt prevented it from falling off, and while looking around at the magnificent buildings and the people in splendid clothes, he said excitedly: "This is really a fairytale world, I really don't seem to belong here!"
Today, several years later, she really left the world she didn't belong to.
Actually, who of us ever really belonged there?
Borrowed clothes must be returned after all.Borrowed life, too.
In the days that followed, whenever I was free, I would go to Tang Wanru's house to look for her.I went shopping with her, watched TV on the sofa, went to the gym to exercise, and went to the cinema to watch some popular popcorn movies.I even went to IKEA with her and started hanging out.You know, I haven't been to IKEA in a long time.Back then, we, including Gu Li, would be dazzled by the dazzling array of Scandinavian minimalist designs, wishing we could put eight different beds in the bedroom.And since I started working, I watched Gu Li carry the FENDI sofa home, watched her start to buy 10,000+ crystal lamps, watched her imitate everything of Gong Ming, and tried to make myself move towards that The dummy who lives forever between the pages of magazines marches.But to be honest, when I was lying on that sofa whose price per square meter was about the same as real estate, I didn't feel very happy.I didn't dare to hold a big bottle of Coke like I did in the dormitory, and Nan Xiang and I flipped through magazines on it head-to-head, and I wasn't afraid of dropping the popcorn and biscuit crumbs all over the sofa.I carefully lay down on the luxurious fabric, motionless, and I felt that lying on the stainless steel plate of the mortuary should be about the same.
IKEA is still crowded with a lot of people.Whether it is a white-collar worker who is on a budget, or a college student who is looking forward to a better life in the future.Those who are rich, direct the porters to deliver the sofa and bed to their home address; those who have no money, in the accessory area on the first floor, carefully select green potted plants and cheap glasses that cost more than ten yuan a pot, They want to decorate their lives, they want to live as they do on the pages of magazines.
——Our lives are brainwashed by countless fashion magazines in this way.Dress like the magazines, eat like the magazines, live like the magazines.And I, standing closest to those colorful copperplate pages.I smell like ink all over me.
In these days when Tang Wan and Tang Wan lived together day and night, I even had a faint illusion of going back in time, as if I was still 22 years old, and we were still young students chasing pigeons on the university campus on bicycles.She and I were still holding ice cream cones in our hands, shopping happily, laughing at the expensive fur coats in the window, and said "Only menopausal women who have been abandoned by their husbands will dress themselves up like beasts" It is a kind of rhetoric of being young and frivolous and defying the powerful.We were still woken up every morning by the school bell ringing, struggling, and with a heart that wanted to die, we set off for a morning run around the green area by the lake.It seems that everything is just a bizarre dream. After waking up from the dream, we are still lying in the dormitory of the school with walls painted with white plaster. Outside the window is the sound of radio gymnastics from the stadium. Nan Xiang who was still sleeping beside him said, "Hey, I just had a long dream..."
But every time, as long as I turn my head, I can see the shocking scar on Tang Wanru's face.It is laughing at me, it is reminding me, it tortures me in the footsteps of time.
That scar was like a monster hiding in people's hearts, it changed Tang Wanru's personality a lot.She was no longer the same as before, a nutria with a string of firecrackers tied to its tail. Now she had become a penguin standing alone on the snowy field, looking at something.There are many things in her eyes that she didn't have before, maybe hatred, maybe grief, maybe loss, maybe bewilderment, maybe confusion, all kinds of emotions melted in her small eyes.
Sometimes I feel that those are not her eyes, but those of Nan Xiang.
One day, when she and I were shopping casually, we went to the atrium on the first floor of Westgate, and happened to meet an exhibition of ancient Chinese landscape paintings.In fact, I don't really understand Chinese classical art. If it is Nanxiang, she will definitely be able to know it all.From Yan Liben of Gu Kaizhi in Jin, Sui and Tang to Zhang Zeduan and Ma Lin in Song Dynasty, from court portraits to splash-ink landscapes, from freehand still life to fine brushwork flowers and birds, she can tell you like a lady who has traveled through time.
I'm not her, I lost interest after a few glances, I just wanted to tell Tang Wanru to go, but I found that she had been standing in front of a picture and staring at it for a long time.I walked over, and when I was about to speak, I found her eyes were red and bloodshot, and tears accumulated on her lower eyelids, almost bursting out of her eyes.Her shoulders trembled violently, and she breathed heavily from time to time. She stared fixedly at the scroll in front of her, and tightly clenched the corners of her clothes with both hands.
I followed her gaze, and in the painting in front of me, an ancient woman with a fan stood alone under the fallen leaves. In the painting, she covered the lower half of her face with the fan.
In the blank space in the upper right corner of the painting, there is a line of beautiful fine calligraphy:
All people are fascinated by the fairy in the painting, and no one loves the world leader.
After some time, news came that Wei Hai had left Shanghai for Beijing.When Tang Wanru received the letter from Wei Hai, he was already in Beijing.Except for Tang Wanru, he didn't tell any of us in this group about his departure.
He had no face to tell Gu Yuan.
He didn't want to tell Nan Xiang.
He didn't need to tell me and Gu Li.
He was originally just a scrap of our life circle. Regarding this, I think not only we think so shamelessly, but maybe even he himself agrees so humbly.
However, at this moment, even his departure has become extremely heavy for Gu Li and me.In this doomsday-like atmosphere, the departure of anyone is enough to become the straw that breaks the camel's back.
As hello, I'm so sorry for leaving without saying goodbye.But I don't know how to continue my life in Shanghai.It felt like the end of the world, friends, lovers, all left me.In the days after the incident, I couldn't sleep every day, and felt that there was a big stone on my chest.But I know, I'm not qualified to say this, because you should be the saddest person.You have 1 reasons to hate me, because if it weren't for me, there would be no misfortune that happened to you.I'm not good at writing and don't know how to express my guilt.Sincerely hope for your forgiveness.
……
In fact, I have always envied the life of your group of people. It is vigorous and exciting, and it feels like a story in a movie. But when Nan Xiang led me into your world, I realized that you are not Take a dip in a beautiful garden, but are all in a giant whirlpool.This feeling is getting stronger and stronger. In fact, I have lived a very depressed life for more than a year.I feel that Nanxiang does not belong to me, nor do I belong to your world.
……
Beijing has entered autumn very early, and the weather is very cold.I just came here, only in unlined clothing.Got a cold.But don't worry, the family has already asked the family to send thick clothes.Life here has also settled down.I got a job teaching amateurs in a badminton club.Life is almost the same as when I was in college, and my income is not bad.It's just that sometimes when I'm alone, I can't find anyone to talk to.Beijing is so big, I feel very small.
……
Finally, I sincerely hope that you are safe and happy.Say hello to the family.I leave my phone number here. If you come to Beijing, be sure to call me. I will take you around and have a look.good luck.
Tang Wanru gently stuffed the few pieces of letter paper into my hand.
I looked at her, and there was a not so strong sadness on her face.That scar at the corner of her mouth made it look like she was smiling.She wears this weird smile all the time, making her always seem to be full of light sarcasm towards the world, and also seems to be helpless tolerance.
I think I will never dare to look her face in the face, face her sarcasm and tolerance.
This parting from Nanxiang seems to be a series of dominoes. From the moment the first domino is pushed down, our story starts the final ending that no one can reverse.The sound of the collapsing dominoes was like applause and cheers from countless spectators.
In fact, Nanxiang is not the first domino, the first domino should be Jianxi.How lucky he is to be the first to leave our vortex.Sometimes when I recall the past, I can't help being full of envy and jealousy in my memory of him.
And then the second domino is Xicheng.
The third piece is Nanxiang.
The fourth piece is Gu Yuan.
The fifth piece is Tang Wanru.
Snapped.
Snapped.
Snapped.
Snapped.
Snapped.
Like a dancing boy, God has accelerated the pace of the game. He may have been tired of watching this protracted drama, and at the moment he is removing the names from the cast list one by one.He wants to quickly pull up the huge curtain at the curtain call, he wants to light up the lights at the end of the show, he wants to quickly see the scene of clouds and clouds in the sky, colorful flowers and salutes flying together.
I just didn't expect that the next domino would fall so quickly.
It never occurred to him that the next domino would be Neil.
On the day when Gu Li and I sent Neil to the airport, the sky was covered with thick and sticky dark clouds.It looked as if a large lump of cement had been glued to the sky, and the wind felt a little cool in early autumn, and when it brushed against his forehead, his brows felt a little heavy.
The international terminal is still deserted as usual.
On the contrary, the domestic terminal is a bit too lively. Judging from the density of people, I really wonder if all the airlines in China are about to close down, so they have launched a discounted ticket to let the general public be fine. Just play on a plane.Really, that person's posture of squeezing people's chests to their chests almost caught up with the City God's Temple. I think as long as you put a pot of charcoal fire on the side of the road, you can guarantee that you can start a kebab business in no time.
The three of us walked through the empty terminal.
Neil was pulling two huge suitcases, and Gu Li and I were helping him carry an LV travel bag. I couldn’t understand why he had so many things to bring back to the United States—the United States has everything, and he has everything. I can buy it.
I was walking on his left. I tilted my head and looked at him from time to time. He was wearing a huge black sunglasses, which looked exactly the same as when he returned to China. As he walked, he lowered his head to check the information on his boarding pass and The number of the distant gate.
I became extremely sad in an instant, and countless pictures flooded into my mind one after another.Like someone suddenly stuffed a small DV player into my head.A lot of pictures with noise jumped on my retina.
I can still clearly remember the excitement Nan Xiang and I felt when we heard Gu Li say "Neil is back", we wished we could jump off the bus and lift the wheels of the car to help it run faster—— And now how long has it been since I took the bus?In the past, there were countless small bus tickets in the outermost zipper of my handbag, but now when I open my bag, those little blue stamps have turned into red taxis The invoice is up.
I can still recall the oily vanity on my face when he drove me and Nan Xiang on the main road of the school in a Mercedes-Benz with an open top.Nan Xiang and I were intoxicated by the envious eyes of those hungry and thirsty girls in the school, like two carp jumping out of the water non-stop.It was the first time in my life that I sat in a convertible sports car. The wind blew all my bangs up, revealing my huge forehead. I screamed in fright.
I can still recall when Nan Xiang and I watched "The Lord of the Rings" in the cinema, as soon as the elf prince appeared, the two of us excitedly clasped our chests and yelled "Neil, Neil". The "Lord of the Rings" series that swept the box office has long been a yellowing picture in memory, and now the "post-90s" and "post-00s" all over the world are shouting the vampires in "Twilight" name, and we, as adults, are used to the dazzling stunt bombing in "Avatar" and "Inception". "The Lord of the Rings" has become a precious nostalgic fragment in our memory, just like "Legend of the New White Lady" and "Journey to the West" in our childhood.No matter how fresh something is, it will become obsolete, and no matter how awesome something is, it will be left far behind by even more awesome things, thrown into the footsteps of the years, and thrown into the blind spot of people's memory.
You see, so many years have passed like this.He is no longer the charming school girl who was sweating profusely on the school court in a white vest with a tennis bag on his back. He is already an elite white-collar worker in the legal department of a large company.The TAG Heuer sports chronograph he once wore has also been replaced by the low-key and charming Vacheron Constantin Patrimony heritage series.The time he wears suits is far longer than the time he wears sportswear, and the time he wears black, white and gray is far longer than the time he wears colored clothes.He wears leather shoes more than sneakers, and he speaks Chinese more than English.
He is no longer the charming boy who took me and Nan Xiang over the school wall and skipped class to play.
On the huge electronic screen, there are densely packed terminal and airport information flashing, and flight symbols composed of countless English letters and numbers represent the silver-white flight routes that will cross the sky at this moment and in the future.People are taken away by these icy numbers and symbols. They cross the ocean and the sky, stretching each other's thoughts thinner and thinner, and finally become metal tightly stretched on the sky and screamed by the wind. steel string.
I suddenly remembered what Ryan said in "In the Cloud". At that time, he was just like me, standing under the huge blue electronic screen and said to himself:
"People who come home from a busy day are greeted with joyful children and pets, spouses asking each other how they've been and drifting off to sleep. Starry night comes, the sky is full of lights, and one shines brighter, that will be me The traces of the wings of the plane."
I thought Ryan was really, really lonely, and I looked at Ryan's tired face on the computer screen and wanted to hug him.
Neil gave Gu Li and me a deep hug at the end.
He opened his arms and wrapped them in a huge embrace, pulling the two of us into his arms.He is tall and burly, with long hands and long feet, and he does this movement with ease, with a kind of chic vigor.He used this kind of chic action to make the sadness of parting less sensational.I think he is right.
Gu Li also finally put down the shell of her computer. At that moment, she was like a PC with all anti-virus software and firewalls turned off, connecting to various websites willfully.She's back again to the heartbroken look she had when she sent Neil off to America at the end of her freshman year.Her face, which was as immortal as a goblin, was full of expressions of being a mother.She kept repeating some meaningless instructions, and Neil waved his hands, his voice was hoarse and a little flustered: "Gu Li, don't talk about it, it's a public place, you're going to make me, a six-foot man, cry I'll beat you up."
Gu Li and I were leaning against his thick chest. At that moment, I felt so close to him. I heard his heartbeat, and there was a huge deep valley next to my ears. The sadness in my body gradually followed. His heartbeat began to vibrate.
After walking out from the airport, Gu Li and I stood by the side of the road.We didn't rush down to the garage to get the car. She and I seemed to have a tacit understanding with each other, standing in a daze under the departure stop sign at the airport.In front of us are countless cars coming and going, people coming and going, groups of people seeing off one after another, one after another farewells are staged in front of us in turn, as if a giant TVB series with hundreds of episodes is broadcast every day, as if After watching too much, our parting became less traumatic, and the sky fell apart.We are just tens of thousands of farewells, a small short play.
We stood for a while, then turned and walked towards the underground parking lot.Gu Li took a scarf from his bag and wrapped it around his neck. The autumn wind started to blow, and the coolness became stronger and stronger. The wind blew the dark clouds into ashes, and they fell to the ground profusely. The whole world became black and gray. Misty.
So is my heart.
"Why does Neil want to go back to the United States?" I finally couldn't help asking Gu Li.This question has been around me for a long time. When she helped Neil deliver the resignation letter back to the company, when she helped Neil pack his luggage, and when we went to the most expensive steak restaurant for his farewell dinner, I couldn't bear it several times. I still want to ask her.
Instead of answering me, she lowered her head and began to rummage through her bag for her sunglasses. After searching for a long time, she finally found it.The moment she put on the sunglasses again, she became invincible and blind again.The firewall and anti-virus software in the lower right corner of her computer were turned on again.But I knew that she didn't want me to see her red eyes.
Later, on the way back, when the car was driving on the elevated road, she suddenly looked at the gray sky ahead and said without thinking: "I am not happy anymore."
"What?" I didn't respond.
"This is the answer Neil gave me when I asked him why he wanted to go back to the United States." Gu Li held the steering wheel tightly with his hands and trembled, crying, "I am not happy anymore."
She repeated the sentence word by word.
I remember the first time I watched "Dream of Red Mansions", I was still in elementary school, and I couldn't fully understand it at that time.Later, when I got to know Nanxiang, a literary girl, I re-read it under her almost fanatical recommendation. Of course, when I read the descriptions that made our young girls who had just started their sinuses and menstruation blushed. Suddenly, the panicked faces of my parents at that time flashed across my mind, and I also understood why they locked the "Dream of Red Mansions" that I had opened and read dozens of pages overnight into the wooden box on the top of the wardrobe At that time, I even suspected that it was something like "Nine Yin Scriptures" or "Sunflower Treasure". After reading it, I would become a white-haired Mei Chaofeng, sticking out five black nails in the Five holes were scratched out of the human head.
This time, after I finished reading the whole "Dream of Red Mansions", I felt as if I had emerged from a deep, deep dream. Those people were in so much pain, their lives were so wonderful, yet so desolate.I always linger in my mind with the phrase "It's so clean to leave a piece of white land".
At this moment, I am looking at the seemingly endless elevated road in front of me. Its end is engulfed by the dust and smoke rising from the distance at the edge of my field of vision, and the city under the elevated road seems to be covered by gray cotton wool.
The sky is like an unclean mirror, reflecting this dilapidated world.
I suddenly remembered this sentence again, "It's so clean to leave a piece of white land."
It's all gone, so clean.
Walked really clean.
After returning to the villa, Gu Li and I were in no mood to talk.After taking off her coat, she went into the bathroom to take a shower.I lay on the sofa, catching all kinds of subtle sounds in the huge villa.But nothing, only the sound of rushing water coming from the bathroom.
Afterwards, in the empty room, on the upper and lower floors, there were only Gu Li and me.
Actions that have never been noticed before, such as opening the cabinet, such as changing high-heeled shoes, such as taking a water glass, such as putting down the keys, when we used to do these trivial things indifferently, we certainly never thought that one day, We'll hear the great echoes of doing these things.
Sometimes when I lie on the sofa, I feel as if I can hear the echo of my own breathing. It feels like someone is lying next to your ear and sighing for a long time.The sigh sounded very sad, very lost, very lonely.
One day when I walked through Nan Xiang's room, I felt the charm stuck on the door lintel again.
I suddenly remembered something, pushed open the door and walked into her room.I found the hardcover version of "A Dream of Red Mansions" from her bookcase, but she did not take it away.Because I gave this book to her, she didn't take it away because she didn't think it belonged to her.Or rather, something she didn't want anymore.I turned over the title page hastily, because I was afraid to see the words praising our friendship written in my dense handwriting, and I couldn't face them.I flicked through the pages of the book, and searched according to my memory. I wanted to find the source of the phrase "the land is so clean after falling into a vast expanse of whiteness".
Just when I was about to give up, I saw that complete paragraph.
Those who are officials will lose their fortunes; those who are rich and honored will lose all their gold and silver; those who are kind will escape death;Those who owe their life have their life repaid; those who owe their tears have exhausted their tears.It is not light to repay grievances, separation and reunion are predetermined.If you want to know your fate and ask about your previous life, you will be lucky if you grow old and rich.Those who see through will flee into Buddhism; those who are obsessed will lose their lives in vain.It's like throwing all the devoured birds into the forest, leaving a piece of white land, it's so clean!
I buried my face in the pages, and the strong smell of paper came to my nostrils.
My tears seeped into the yellowed paper, they were as hot as my blood, but I knew that they could not warm this sad story, this barren "Dream of Red Mansions".
In this huge and delicate world, people shed hot tears and boiling blood every day, but the blood and tears of thousands of mortals can't change its eternal coldness, can they?
A week later, it rained heavily for two days and one night.
After that heavy rain, late autumn in Shanghai came.
The courtyard of the villa was covered with thick yellow leaves.The dense tree shade in the community has been thinned by half in two days.Lots of light and cool sunlight shone on the still wet ground, and the thick, spicy aroma of plants became stronger as the fallen leaves rotted. The entire Nanjing West Road seemed to be turned into a huge traditional Chinese medicine shop.
Gu Li and I borrowed two huge bamboo brooms from the community property and started to clean up the fallen leaves in the courtyard.
The temperature in the morning was very low, and there was still frost on the leaves near the ground.The whole neighborhood was very quiet, there were no people there, and the two of us didn't chat. The rustling sound of us sweeping fallen leaves with a broom continued to echo in the air.
We swept the thick leaves toward that corner to the southwest, and the pile grew higher and higher.Now the fallen leaves are still very wet from the rain, but after a while, they will be dried by the wind and become brittle. At that time, only a fire is needed to burn them clean.At that time, sprinkle the plant ash in the soil of the garden, and it can be used as fertilizer.These leaves come from the soil and go back to the soil.I remembered what the ancients often said, the vegetation is withered and flourishing, neither sad nor happy.
It's just that Jian Xi, Gu Yuan, Wei Hai, Nan Xiang, Tang Wanru, and Neil are missing in the courtyard. The housecleaning that should have been extremely lively, full of absurdities, and full of jokes has become deserted now. .Last Christmas, we also got together to hang ceramic Christmas balls and glass bells on the cedar tree at the door, and we also set up a barbecue grill in the yard, although in the end we only roasted a pile of black "carcinogens" , but our good mood is not affected at all, because as long as there is alcohol, it is enough to reduce the laughter of all of us to the level of mental retardation, "Xiao Ming walked one day and stepped on dog shit!" "... … Hahahahahaha is funny !! "As long as there are laughter, people are happy.
I stopped suddenly.I turned my head to look at Gu Li's back, the empty lawn and the outline of the old villa in the mist in the distance, making her even more lonely.I even remembered that when we went to Mount Emei, we saw those monks cleaning the long stone steps in front of the monastery alone in the early morning.In such an atmosphere, the whole courtyard exudes a kind of cool sadness.
In the distance, I heard the postman ringing the bicycle bell.
I wiped my hands on the overalls, took off my mask, and opened the small gate to the courtyard.The postman handed me a thin envelope.
I opened it up and found two postcards sent by Neil from New York, one for me and Gu Li, with the same writing on the back, only one line of beautiful short English sentences, which we are all familiar with, and Neil’s fluent English handwriting.
I smoothed my hair and sat down on the stone steps in the courtyard, Neil's hormonal British face floating in front of me.His deep eyes, straight nose, broad chest and shoulders with strong muscles.It had only been a few days since we saw him off at the airport, but for some reason it felt like years.
I turned around and found that Gu Li had disappeared.
I stood up and walked into the house. I turned up and down in a circle, but I didn't see Gu Li. When I returned to the living room on the first floor, I found that Gu Li had locked himself in the bathroom.
I lay on the door, knocked on the door lightly, and didn't speak.Because I heard Gu Li crying inside.
I pressed my forehead against the wooden door, and the coldness from the wooden boards made me inexplicably sad.My right hand kept patting the door panel, as if in harmony with some inaudible melodious rhythm in the air. If anyone saw my appearance at this moment, they would definitely think that I was a mad female patient.
But I knew in my heart that I was actually fantasizing that what I patted was not the wooden door, but Gu Li's back, just like every time we vomited in the toilet after we were drunk, she stood behind us , while brushing our hair and patting us on the back.
How could I not know that the saddest person is Gu Li.
This huge villa, which has been used by us in countless places like "I have to work overtime again today, I can't go home on time", "When you go home, help me bring this information back", "Pure water at home" In the sentence "Don't eat at home at night, go out to eat", the place called "home" was built by Gu Li.
I slowly squatted down and leaned against the door, calling her in a low voice from time to time: "Gu Li?"
Once again my eyes fell on Neil's handwriting to us:
I will always miss you like a darling.
(End of this chapter)
In fact, that was not the last day we spent in that old house on Nanjing West Road, oh, I mean, after the quarrel that completely changed the trajectory of our lives, I actually continued to live in that I lived in the villa for a while before I moved out from there.
I'm not the last one to leave that villa.Just thinking about it, I knew that the last person to leave was, of course, Gu Li.But I was the one who stuck by her side until the last moment.Every time I think of this, the guilt that is surging in my heart and is about to overwhelm me can be more or less calmed down a little bit, just like when an asthmatic patient has an attack, someone quietly handed him a stretcher paper bag.
Every time I think back to those days—to be honest, I suspect this hopelessly morbid nostalgic obsessive-compulsive disorder may haunt me for the rest of my life, hearing familiar songs, seeing old copper street lamps on a certain road, Smell a certain smell... There are too many trigger points, which can make me immediately sink into the quagmire of memories-the scene I recall the most is our quarrel that day, the end of the picture will always be Freezing on Tang Wanru's bewildered and frightened face, the blood gurgling from the corners of her mouth dripped and fell on Gu Li's expensive FENDI carpet, solidifying into black stains one by one, which looked like blood in the forest. After the animal was shot by the hunter's arrow feathers, the hot blood fell into the hole made in the snow.
And then, it's gone.
It was as if God had gently pressed the pause button on the remote control in his hand.Maybe he was as deeply moved by this scene as I was. He stared at the paused picture on the sofa, squinted his eyes and thought about it for two or three seconds, and then let our life continue-continue Rush towards the beautiful ending with the sky full of sunset.
But the short pause of two or three seconds became a never-ending dream in my life that I kept repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating again and again.
Just like what was said in Tang Wanru's favorite Japanese picture book, which is childish, pretentious, and cries every page: "God just blinked, and our story began and ended again. He put We all stole."
She cried for 10 minutes after reading this page. After she wiped the snot and tears off her face with a Nanxiang quilt, she immediately went downstairs and took the page to the school's printing room to scan and copy it. It was enlarged into a painting, mounted in a white plastic frame bought from the school supermarket for 12 yuan, and hung on the living room wall of our former university dormitory.Later, the painting was ruthlessly replaced by Gu Li with an abstract modern painting bought from a gallery.The level of abstraction in that painting, how should I put it, is like a simple peasant uncle in northern Shaanxi being fed two catties of red sorghum, someone forced a stick of charcoal into his hand, and then kept turning him to the side Evidence of a crime left behind after being pushed and impacted on the canvas.
At that time, Tang Wanru was filled with righteous indignation, and almost wanted to turn Gu Li to the police station, but she was cut off by Nan Xiang's words: "Ruru, forget it, just treat her as hanging ninety pieces of 100 yuan RMB and displaying them in the living room." .”
Tang Wanru was shocked by the 9000 yuan worth of that painting.In the next few weeks, we could see relevant records searched in "Baidu Zhizhi" on the common computer in the living room, all of which were similar to "Where is the second-hand art trading market in Shanghai?" Higher prices for works of art" and other entries.
But now, 9000 yuan can no longer shock me.I mean, me, and us.
Needless to say, Gu Li, it is estimated that adding a "ten thousand" after nine thousand will make her look up at you from a pile of financial statements. To be honest, she has never been afraid to mess up the company's financial documents. I threw it on the coffee table in the living room, because she knew that with our IQs, it was impossible to understand. I tried to scan a few lines, and then I felt the gears stuck in my head. Those financial statements actually looked like It's like an alien novel sent from the R-2418 galaxy in Andromeda.
As for me, I buy all kinds of strange things from the Internet for Gong Ming every month. The bills add up to at least 10,000+, and I soon became a shopping VIP of major websites. I clicked on a bill of 9000 yuan without hesitation for even a second, even if the product I bought was just a paper clip that looked "a bit design sense".
Even Nan Xiang, recently often wears the high-end dresses provided by the company, together with Kitty and me, and accompany Gong Ming to various occasions.Those cloudy and foggy skirts we wore, just tore off a piece of the skirt, laid it flat, put it in a picture frame and hung it up, it can exceed the price of the original painting.
Later, after another year or two, when I was looking through materials in the library, I saw a description of the evolution of species on Earth. At that time, I vaguely felt that most of my memories were from that day. The reason why the picture is stagnant may be as written in the book, every creature, whether it is the spirit of all things, or the humble mayfly, has an instinctive self-protection function, which is the innate and unshakable protection of all life. The nature engraved in the DNA sequence.I think my brain also activated such a bioelectrical response, which tried to protect my senses and emotions, so that I would not repeatedly face those scarlet images that exploded and raged in the years after that day. ——As if there was a red light shade in front of him, the world was covered in a rough halo of blood.
Just like people who suffer more than seven degrees are prone to coma.
Just like when a wrist is broken, the sudden massive blood loss from the artery will cause the blood vessel to spasm and shrink the blood coagulation.
Just like when encountering a strong light or a high-speed object close to the line of sight, people will subconsciously close their eyes.
My instincts, I suppose, were stubborn and paranoid, and it kept me from everything that happened in those final days at the end of our story.That way, I don't fall into post-crash madness.
I stared at the glaring white ceiling in a daze, the sunlight outside the window was not very hot, and the mottled shadows of the trees shattered the beam of light, like a handful of broken silver scattered on the wall.There is a whole row of ancient French sycamores on Huashan Road, each of which is priceless. They have survived the baptism of time, and finally put the powder precipitated by the golden years into gold leaf on the body.Countless dilapidated houses along the road, these old houses left over from the concession period, were either bought by capitalists and renovated into elegant official residences, or they still maintained their dilapidated appearance, as if a late noblewoman was waiting for a price And sell.
The city is full of golden armour.
For 200 years, Shanghai has been like this. Under the shell of boundless prosperity and luxury, there is a forever hungry soul, which chews everything elegantly and greedily, like a starving ghost wearing gold and silver all the time.
The sound of the doctor opening the door brought me back from my endless thoughts to the present reality.
I raised my head, and the row of black stitches around Tang Wanru's mouth was shocking, as if half of a dead centipede was in her mouth.Her eyes were calm, without the expected anger.The sunlight outside the window did not shine into her dark pupils, her eyes were like fires that had been extinguished by the heavy rain, without any residual light of sparks, only a pool of wet ashes, exuding a desolate aftertone like the ash of plants and trees.
The doctor put a white surgical tray on the cabinet. Inside the tray were a pair of scissors, a pair of tweezers, a few sheets of gauze, and a box of alcohol swabs. It looked very simple. "Come over here, just sit under the spotlight." The doctor pulled out a stool from under the table and put it on the side of a soft white bench. "Turn your head back and rest your head on it. Yes, that's it."
"Don't you need to go to the operating room to remove the stitches?" I stood on the side and asked carefully.
"No need. The wound has completely healed, so there is no need to worry about bacterial infection. And this is an external thread, and the internal thread has been absorbed by the wound. Don't worry." The doctor held an alcohol cotton ball with tweezers and disinfected Tang Wanru's mouth.
There was silence in the doctor's office, and I didn't dare to speak.
The sound of scissors cutting the black surgical thread is like the feeling of a rubber band bouncing to the temple.
There was silence outside the window, not even the sound of the wind, and every leaf was still.But I seem to hear a huge and anxious cicada singing in my mind, as if all the cicadas in the world are lying in front of the window at this moment, roaring at me with all their strength.
In the past week, Tang Wanru didn't open her mouth to speak. She almost didn't move her mouth in order to heal the wound better. When she encountered any need, she would write in a small notebook with a pen. Come down and tell us.For a week, she only drank porridge and used a straw.However, the four-centimeter-long wound still exuded a stubborn blood red, and the newly grown tender flesh was pulled by more than a dozen stitches of black surgical thread, making her look like "Batman?"The neurotic clown with the corner of his mouth cut open in The Dark Knight.
After we sent Tang Wanru to the hospital that day, the doctor pushed her into the operating room without saying a word.
Half an hour later, we heard Tang Wanru crying loudly from the operating room.Gu Li and I rushed in and saw her trembling shoulders holding the mirror. She kept crying, but her mouth could not be opened because of the surgical stitches, so she could only let out a series of unpleasant whimpers in her throat.The voice sounded like a hostage in a movie who was tied up and taped to his mouth, crying for help in fear.
She threw down the mirror, grabbed the paper and pen next to it, and wrote "Will there be a scar?" Then she handed it to the doctor, who comforted her and said, "There will be a faint pink scar."
Tang Wanru breathed a sigh of relief, and I could feel a relieved smile on her face, even though the long stitched wound at the corner of her mouth made her smile look very strange and terrifying.
"But that will take three to five years." The doctor sighed, and added a little unbearably, "And you need to have no scars at all."
Tang Wanru was stunned for a while, and then slammed the mirror in his hand to the feet of Gu Li and me. In the broken pieces of the mirror, there were countless faces of Tang Wanru in despair.
I know that besides that mirror, there are actually many things that were smashed that day at the same time.
During Tang Wanru's recovery week, Gu Li, Neil and I took turns to take care of her.
Nan Xiang moved away from home the day after the quarrel.She didn't say goodbye to us, but she and Gu Zhun calmly packed things in her room. Gu Zhun bought three huge and expensive RIMOWA suitcases. I looked at the three huge suitcases. On the ground, like three monsters with huge mouths, they are bit by bit chewing up the years that once belonged to us and swallowing them into their stomachs.
Gu Zhun took two packed suitcases and went downstairs first.Only Nan Xiang was left alone in the room, tidying up and checking for the last omission.
I stood at the door and watched her calmly and leisurely fold the clothes one by one and put them into the box. Her face without makeup looked crystal clear, faintly glowing, and her whole body was filled with a kind of Looking forward to the future, it seems that she is about to set off on a beautiful journey-I am not surprised that she is so cold-blooded about the upcoming parting.A person's heart can be as soft as it wants; as hard as it wants to be.
I asked her, "Where are you going to move? No one lives in your previous home."
She didn't answer me, and continued to put away the colorful bottles and jars, large and small box lids on her dressing table, and put them into the box.
I was not reconciled, and I pinched the wood of the door frame with my hands to make myself look calm: "Are you going to move to Gu Zhun's house?" I could feel a heat wave from my knees all the way up Welling, welling up to my eye sockets to block the swelling.
Her back looked stiff for a few seconds, and then she turned her head, her smile was so beautiful, her dark eyes were surrounded by thick eyelashes, her face was small and delicate, her skin was blown by the light, like a Like fresh snow piled up on the tops of trees.She smiled and said, "Why, can't you?"
I raised the back of my hand to wipe the tears off my face, I gave in, I sniffed and said, "I hate you so much."
Nan Xiang slammed the suitcase shut, she raised her head, her eyes scanned my face back and forth earnestly, I knew that at this moment, she was very embarrassed with snot and tears, she dragged the suitcase and walked in front of me, her eyes did not flinch And give in, she stared at the tip of my nose word by word, and said to me: "Lin Xiao, do you think I don't hate you?"
That was the last word she left in this house.
This sentence is like a Taoist charm drawn with black and red chicken blood, and it is permanently pasted on the lintel of her room door.
Later, during those days when only Gu Li and I lived in this huge villa, every time I passed by the door of Nanxiang's empty room, I could hear this sentence: "Do you think I don't hate you?"
Not only is it stuck on the door lintel forever, it is also stuck on my heart forever.
On the third day after Nan Xiang moved out, Gu Yuan also moved out.
But he went far more gracefully than Nanxiang.
He didn't live here every day like the few of us, he only came over occasionally for the night, so all his possessions were nothing more than a few sets of clothes, a few bottles of toiletries, a few pieces of underwear, a few pairs of socks, a few A tie, and some biographical books he likes to read.He only needs a small cardboard box to take these away.
However, he didn't even use a cardboard box.
He just said indifferently to Gu Li, "I don't want those things anymore", then he took the key of the door off his key ring, and threw it at the door. Shaped key tray.
With a bang, the story of him and the house is over.
To be precise, the story between him and Gu Li ended.
On the night when Gu Yuan left, Gu Li put all of Gu Yuan's clothes and belongings into cardboard boxes, and she asked me to help her to move the cardboard boxes to the lawn in the yard.Gu Yuan's things are all priceless high-end goods. I think that they will definitely be taken away by the property management staff without waiting until the next morning.
Looking at the box in front of me, I suddenly remembered the quarrel between Gu Yuan and Gu Li when we were still in college a few years ago. Gu Yuan also put all the gifts that Gu Li gave him in a cardboard box. and quietly threw it at the door of our bedroom.When I was still stuck in the memories of the past, Gu Li turned around decisively and went back to the house.I looked at her back, the wind blew away her smooth and thick hair, and the street lamps shone on her wine-red hair, giving off a hazel-like redness, her thin figure was wrapped more tightly by the night, She looks like an ancient ghost who walks in the night and no longer feels sad or happy about love and hate in the world.
But a minute later, she came out of the house with a bottle of hard liquor in her hand, and she walked back to the cardboard box, unscrewed the lid and poured the wine into the box.After she calmly emptied a 1ml bottle of spirits, she took out a lighter with a silver shell from her pocket, which was a global limited edition of STDupont in Gu Yuan's collection.
Gu Li stared at the dancing flames in her hands, the flames flickered in her pupils. After watching for a few seconds, she calmly threw the whole lighter into the cardboard box full of spirits.Tongues of flame jumped out of the cardboard box in an instant, like a faint blue snake, and the whole grass suddenly lit up.
Tang Wanru walked out of the room at some point, and she stood quietly with us, saying goodbye to everything in front of her.She held me and Gu Li in two hands, and the three of us stood hand in hand on the grass, the firelight cast our shadows on the grass, we looked thin and long, and our figure was as good as a supermodel, The way we hold hands with each other looks like little sisters who love each other in cartoons.The light of the fire reflected the long and red wound at the corner of Tang Wanru's mouth. She looked like she was crying or laughing.
Later, this silent fire always appeared repeatedly in my dreams.On the empty black-green grass, a small flame was catalyzed by strong wine, emitting a faint blue light.It was supposed to be burning hot and red, but now because of this faint blue light, it seems to have no temperature.At night in late summer and early autumn, countless moths and insects floated from the dark tree shadows, and flew towards the blue flame calmly and calmly.They seem to have existed in this world for a long time. Countless memory fragments and old dust, at this moment, they are called by the silent and intense sorrow in front of them, and they are approaching this long farewell.Gu Li's face looked weak and pale in the beating firelight, and her eyes were dotted with stars, like a spinning galaxy.The three of us stood quietly in the darkness, retreating and admiring the seemingly endless burning in front of us.We all understand that the light in each other's eyes will eventually go out, just like in "Microcosm", countless galaxies, countless planets, countless civilizations, and countless lives have quietly disappeared with the passage of time.
— Nothing lasts longer.Not even light.Not even the soul.Only it is the final victor.When the universe was empty, only time remained, expanding to fill everything.
—that box eventually burned to a heap of ashes, washed away by several heavy rains, and there was no trace of it anymore.It's just that small piece of lawn, but it has left a piece of scorched black soil for a long time, and there seems to be an ugly scar on the green grass.Until all of us moved out of the villa, the scorched lawn was still bare.
——I often think that I should have known at the time that this is a hint from God to us, but we all ignore it.We've actually seen the trailer a long time ago.
After Tang Wanru had the stitches removed, she was taken home by her parents.
When something like this happened, her parents didn't bother us, which is already very reasonable.Therefore, it is difficult for us to expect them to entrust their daughter to our care.During the whole moving process, her parents were ashen-faced.Her father, in particular, kept slamming boxes on the floor and making angry noises as he was packing up.
I can actually understand them quite well.They just showed us face, but didn't rush up and beat us to the point of disheveled hair.If my daughter's face is pulled out like this, I will definitely call the police and go to court anyway. If I don't pay seven to eight million yuan, I will never end.Although in this accident, no one knew exactly who pushed Tang Wanru onto the broken glass on the coffee table, but since no one is a sinner, then everyone is a sinner.
Who can say that their hands are clean?
Gu Li and I kept smiling faces and followed them back and forth, pouring water for a while, and helping to carry the boxes for a while, although most of the time we were ignored indifferently.I saw Gu Li's face froze with laughter.Her pitiful and embarrassing and flattering appearance made me feel uncomfortable.Several times, she passed her hand holding the water glass, and then stopped awkwardly in the air.I had to reach out to take the cup and put it on the windowsill helplessly.
When leaving, Tang Wanru's father didn't say anything, he didn't even say hello to Gu Li and me, he carried the boxes one by one into the trunk of the car, and then slammed the door hard.He can only use this way to express his inner anger towards me and Gu Li.A few pigeons who were pacing leisurely on the grass in the community were startled by the noise and flew up in mid-air, flapping their wings in a panic.The sound of their wings beating sounds particularly bleak in the quiet morning.
It was Tang Wanru's mother who sighed helplessly at Gu Li and me when she left. She wiped the wet corners of her eyes and said, "You guys have always made troubles since you were young, big and small. , causing troubles. But you said this time... how do you say this... She is a big girl. , Which young man can feel at ease after seeing it..." She couldn't continue talking, her lips trembled, and her chest heaved violently.
"What's the use of you talking nonsense! Hurry up!" Tang Wanru's father got out of the car and yelled at us with a livid face.His pale beard was shaking violently, and the skin around his eyes was as red as rust.
The dilapidated Passat of their family finally drove away in a chug, and disappeared at the gate of the community in a blink of an eye.That car looks too ordinary, too ordinary, even too poor, too embarrassing, it is too incompatible with the various Mercedes-Benz BMWs, Ferraris and Porsches that often appear in this villa area.Just like when Tang Wanru's parents were cleaning the room just now, Tang Wanru's parents whispered to each other from time to time. Although the lunch box is cracked, it can still be used as a soap box at home. Don't throw away the comb with the broken teeth, and keep it at home A pet can be used.Like all the ordinary people of the older generation in Shanghai, they plan their lives carefully. They are the generation that came out of the Shikumen alleys, and they are the real life in Shanghai.On the contrary, it is us, wearing Christian Louboutin red-soled shoes to participate in a cosmetics conference today, lying on the golden sands of Haitang Bay in Sanya tomorrow and applying sunscreen on our arms and thighs like paint. This kind of life seems, on the contrary It's so unreal.
I suddenly remembered a sentence Tang Wanru once said to me. It was said a few years ago when she and us went to Chongguang’s birthday party in Sheshan Villa. At that time, she was pressing the dress on her chest. The skirt prevented it from falling off, and while looking around at the magnificent buildings and the people in splendid clothes, he said excitedly: "This is really a fairytale world, I really don't seem to belong here!"
Today, several years later, she really left the world she didn't belong to.
Actually, who of us ever really belonged there?
Borrowed clothes must be returned after all.Borrowed life, too.
In the days that followed, whenever I was free, I would go to Tang Wanru's house to look for her.I went shopping with her, watched TV on the sofa, went to the gym to exercise, and went to the cinema to watch some popular popcorn movies.I even went to IKEA with her and started hanging out.You know, I haven't been to IKEA in a long time.Back then, we, including Gu Li, would be dazzled by the dazzling array of Scandinavian minimalist designs, wishing we could put eight different beds in the bedroom.And since I started working, I watched Gu Li carry the FENDI sofa home, watched her start to buy 10,000+ crystal lamps, watched her imitate everything of Gong Ming, and tried to make myself move towards that The dummy who lives forever between the pages of magazines marches.But to be honest, when I was lying on that sofa whose price per square meter was about the same as real estate, I didn't feel very happy.I didn't dare to hold a big bottle of Coke like I did in the dormitory, and Nan Xiang and I flipped through magazines on it head-to-head, and I wasn't afraid of dropping the popcorn and biscuit crumbs all over the sofa.I carefully lay down on the luxurious fabric, motionless, and I felt that lying on the stainless steel plate of the mortuary should be about the same.
IKEA is still crowded with a lot of people.Whether it is a white-collar worker who is on a budget, or a college student who is looking forward to a better life in the future.Those who are rich, direct the porters to deliver the sofa and bed to their home address; those who have no money, in the accessory area on the first floor, carefully select green potted plants and cheap glasses that cost more than ten yuan a pot, They want to decorate their lives, they want to live as they do on the pages of magazines.
——Our lives are brainwashed by countless fashion magazines in this way.Dress like the magazines, eat like the magazines, live like the magazines.And I, standing closest to those colorful copperplate pages.I smell like ink all over me.
In these days when Tang Wan and Tang Wan lived together day and night, I even had a faint illusion of going back in time, as if I was still 22 years old, and we were still young students chasing pigeons on the university campus on bicycles.She and I were still holding ice cream cones in our hands, shopping happily, laughing at the expensive fur coats in the window, and said "Only menopausal women who have been abandoned by their husbands will dress themselves up like beasts" It is a kind of rhetoric of being young and frivolous and defying the powerful.We were still woken up every morning by the school bell ringing, struggling, and with a heart that wanted to die, we set off for a morning run around the green area by the lake.It seems that everything is just a bizarre dream. After waking up from the dream, we are still lying in the dormitory of the school with walls painted with white plaster. Outside the window is the sound of radio gymnastics from the stadium. Nan Xiang who was still sleeping beside him said, "Hey, I just had a long dream..."
But every time, as long as I turn my head, I can see the shocking scar on Tang Wanru's face.It is laughing at me, it is reminding me, it tortures me in the footsteps of time.
That scar was like a monster hiding in people's hearts, it changed Tang Wanru's personality a lot.She was no longer the same as before, a nutria with a string of firecrackers tied to its tail. Now she had become a penguin standing alone on the snowy field, looking at something.There are many things in her eyes that she didn't have before, maybe hatred, maybe grief, maybe loss, maybe bewilderment, maybe confusion, all kinds of emotions melted in her small eyes.
Sometimes I feel that those are not her eyes, but those of Nan Xiang.
One day, when she and I were shopping casually, we went to the atrium on the first floor of Westgate, and happened to meet an exhibition of ancient Chinese landscape paintings.In fact, I don't really understand Chinese classical art. If it is Nanxiang, she will definitely be able to know it all.From Yan Liben of Gu Kaizhi in Jin, Sui and Tang to Zhang Zeduan and Ma Lin in Song Dynasty, from court portraits to splash-ink landscapes, from freehand still life to fine brushwork flowers and birds, she can tell you like a lady who has traveled through time.
I'm not her, I lost interest after a few glances, I just wanted to tell Tang Wanru to go, but I found that she had been standing in front of a picture and staring at it for a long time.I walked over, and when I was about to speak, I found her eyes were red and bloodshot, and tears accumulated on her lower eyelids, almost bursting out of her eyes.Her shoulders trembled violently, and she breathed heavily from time to time. She stared fixedly at the scroll in front of her, and tightly clenched the corners of her clothes with both hands.
I followed her gaze, and in the painting in front of me, an ancient woman with a fan stood alone under the fallen leaves. In the painting, she covered the lower half of her face with the fan.
In the blank space in the upper right corner of the painting, there is a line of beautiful fine calligraphy:
All people are fascinated by the fairy in the painting, and no one loves the world leader.
After some time, news came that Wei Hai had left Shanghai for Beijing.When Tang Wanru received the letter from Wei Hai, he was already in Beijing.Except for Tang Wanru, he didn't tell any of us in this group about his departure.
He had no face to tell Gu Yuan.
He didn't want to tell Nan Xiang.
He didn't need to tell me and Gu Li.
He was originally just a scrap of our life circle. Regarding this, I think not only we think so shamelessly, but maybe even he himself agrees so humbly.
However, at this moment, even his departure has become extremely heavy for Gu Li and me.In this doomsday-like atmosphere, the departure of anyone is enough to become the straw that breaks the camel's back.
As hello, I'm so sorry for leaving without saying goodbye.But I don't know how to continue my life in Shanghai.It felt like the end of the world, friends, lovers, all left me.In the days after the incident, I couldn't sleep every day, and felt that there was a big stone on my chest.But I know, I'm not qualified to say this, because you should be the saddest person.You have 1 reasons to hate me, because if it weren't for me, there would be no misfortune that happened to you.I'm not good at writing and don't know how to express my guilt.Sincerely hope for your forgiveness.
……
In fact, I have always envied the life of your group of people. It is vigorous and exciting, and it feels like a story in a movie. But when Nan Xiang led me into your world, I realized that you are not Take a dip in a beautiful garden, but are all in a giant whirlpool.This feeling is getting stronger and stronger. In fact, I have lived a very depressed life for more than a year.I feel that Nanxiang does not belong to me, nor do I belong to your world.
……
Beijing has entered autumn very early, and the weather is very cold.I just came here, only in unlined clothing.Got a cold.But don't worry, the family has already asked the family to send thick clothes.Life here has also settled down.I got a job teaching amateurs in a badminton club.Life is almost the same as when I was in college, and my income is not bad.It's just that sometimes when I'm alone, I can't find anyone to talk to.Beijing is so big, I feel very small.
……
Finally, I sincerely hope that you are safe and happy.Say hello to the family.I leave my phone number here. If you come to Beijing, be sure to call me. I will take you around and have a look.good luck.
Tang Wanru gently stuffed the few pieces of letter paper into my hand.
I looked at her, and there was a not so strong sadness on her face.That scar at the corner of her mouth made it look like she was smiling.She wears this weird smile all the time, making her always seem to be full of light sarcasm towards the world, and also seems to be helpless tolerance.
I think I will never dare to look her face in the face, face her sarcasm and tolerance.
This parting from Nanxiang seems to be a series of dominoes. From the moment the first domino is pushed down, our story starts the final ending that no one can reverse.The sound of the collapsing dominoes was like applause and cheers from countless spectators.
In fact, Nanxiang is not the first domino, the first domino should be Jianxi.How lucky he is to be the first to leave our vortex.Sometimes when I recall the past, I can't help being full of envy and jealousy in my memory of him.
And then the second domino is Xicheng.
The third piece is Nanxiang.
The fourth piece is Gu Yuan.
The fifth piece is Tang Wanru.
Snapped.
Snapped.
Snapped.
Snapped.
Snapped.
Like a dancing boy, God has accelerated the pace of the game. He may have been tired of watching this protracted drama, and at the moment he is removing the names from the cast list one by one.He wants to quickly pull up the huge curtain at the curtain call, he wants to light up the lights at the end of the show, he wants to quickly see the scene of clouds and clouds in the sky, colorful flowers and salutes flying together.
I just didn't expect that the next domino would fall so quickly.
It never occurred to him that the next domino would be Neil.
On the day when Gu Li and I sent Neil to the airport, the sky was covered with thick and sticky dark clouds.It looked as if a large lump of cement had been glued to the sky, and the wind felt a little cool in early autumn, and when it brushed against his forehead, his brows felt a little heavy.
The international terminal is still deserted as usual.
On the contrary, the domestic terminal is a bit too lively. Judging from the density of people, I really wonder if all the airlines in China are about to close down, so they have launched a discounted ticket to let the general public be fine. Just play on a plane.Really, that person's posture of squeezing people's chests to their chests almost caught up with the City God's Temple. I think as long as you put a pot of charcoal fire on the side of the road, you can guarantee that you can start a kebab business in no time.
The three of us walked through the empty terminal.
Neil was pulling two huge suitcases, and Gu Li and I were helping him carry an LV travel bag. I couldn’t understand why he had so many things to bring back to the United States—the United States has everything, and he has everything. I can buy it.
I was walking on his left. I tilted my head and looked at him from time to time. He was wearing a huge black sunglasses, which looked exactly the same as when he returned to China. As he walked, he lowered his head to check the information on his boarding pass and The number of the distant gate.
I became extremely sad in an instant, and countless pictures flooded into my mind one after another.Like someone suddenly stuffed a small DV player into my head.A lot of pictures with noise jumped on my retina.
I can still clearly remember the excitement Nan Xiang and I felt when we heard Gu Li say "Neil is back", we wished we could jump off the bus and lift the wheels of the car to help it run faster—— And now how long has it been since I took the bus?In the past, there were countless small bus tickets in the outermost zipper of my handbag, but now when I open my bag, those little blue stamps have turned into red taxis The invoice is up.
I can still recall the oily vanity on my face when he drove me and Nan Xiang on the main road of the school in a Mercedes-Benz with an open top.Nan Xiang and I were intoxicated by the envious eyes of those hungry and thirsty girls in the school, like two carp jumping out of the water non-stop.It was the first time in my life that I sat in a convertible sports car. The wind blew all my bangs up, revealing my huge forehead. I screamed in fright.
I can still recall when Nan Xiang and I watched "The Lord of the Rings" in the cinema, as soon as the elf prince appeared, the two of us excitedly clasped our chests and yelled "Neil, Neil". The "Lord of the Rings" series that swept the box office has long been a yellowing picture in memory, and now the "post-90s" and "post-00s" all over the world are shouting the vampires in "Twilight" name, and we, as adults, are used to the dazzling stunt bombing in "Avatar" and "Inception". "The Lord of the Rings" has become a precious nostalgic fragment in our memory, just like "Legend of the New White Lady" and "Journey to the West" in our childhood.No matter how fresh something is, it will become obsolete, and no matter how awesome something is, it will be left far behind by even more awesome things, thrown into the footsteps of the years, and thrown into the blind spot of people's memory.
You see, so many years have passed like this.He is no longer the charming school girl who was sweating profusely on the school court in a white vest with a tennis bag on his back. He is already an elite white-collar worker in the legal department of a large company.The TAG Heuer sports chronograph he once wore has also been replaced by the low-key and charming Vacheron Constantin Patrimony heritage series.The time he wears suits is far longer than the time he wears sportswear, and the time he wears black, white and gray is far longer than the time he wears colored clothes.He wears leather shoes more than sneakers, and he speaks Chinese more than English.
He is no longer the charming boy who took me and Nan Xiang over the school wall and skipped class to play.
On the huge electronic screen, there are densely packed terminal and airport information flashing, and flight symbols composed of countless English letters and numbers represent the silver-white flight routes that will cross the sky at this moment and in the future.People are taken away by these icy numbers and symbols. They cross the ocean and the sky, stretching each other's thoughts thinner and thinner, and finally become metal tightly stretched on the sky and screamed by the wind. steel string.
I suddenly remembered what Ryan said in "In the Cloud". At that time, he was just like me, standing under the huge blue electronic screen and said to himself:
"People who come home from a busy day are greeted with joyful children and pets, spouses asking each other how they've been and drifting off to sleep. Starry night comes, the sky is full of lights, and one shines brighter, that will be me The traces of the wings of the plane."
I thought Ryan was really, really lonely, and I looked at Ryan's tired face on the computer screen and wanted to hug him.
Neil gave Gu Li and me a deep hug at the end.
He opened his arms and wrapped them in a huge embrace, pulling the two of us into his arms.He is tall and burly, with long hands and long feet, and he does this movement with ease, with a kind of chic vigor.He used this kind of chic action to make the sadness of parting less sensational.I think he is right.
Gu Li also finally put down the shell of her computer. At that moment, she was like a PC with all anti-virus software and firewalls turned off, connecting to various websites willfully.She's back again to the heartbroken look she had when she sent Neil off to America at the end of her freshman year.Her face, which was as immortal as a goblin, was full of expressions of being a mother.She kept repeating some meaningless instructions, and Neil waved his hands, his voice was hoarse and a little flustered: "Gu Li, don't talk about it, it's a public place, you're going to make me, a six-foot man, cry I'll beat you up."
Gu Li and I were leaning against his thick chest. At that moment, I felt so close to him. I heard his heartbeat, and there was a huge deep valley next to my ears. The sadness in my body gradually followed. His heartbeat began to vibrate.
After walking out from the airport, Gu Li and I stood by the side of the road.We didn't rush down to the garage to get the car. She and I seemed to have a tacit understanding with each other, standing in a daze under the departure stop sign at the airport.In front of us are countless cars coming and going, people coming and going, groups of people seeing off one after another, one after another farewells are staged in front of us in turn, as if a giant TVB series with hundreds of episodes is broadcast every day, as if After watching too much, our parting became less traumatic, and the sky fell apart.We are just tens of thousands of farewells, a small short play.
We stood for a while, then turned and walked towards the underground parking lot.Gu Li took a scarf from his bag and wrapped it around his neck. The autumn wind started to blow, and the coolness became stronger and stronger. The wind blew the dark clouds into ashes, and they fell to the ground profusely. The whole world became black and gray. Misty.
So is my heart.
"Why does Neil want to go back to the United States?" I finally couldn't help asking Gu Li.This question has been around me for a long time. When she helped Neil deliver the resignation letter back to the company, when she helped Neil pack his luggage, and when we went to the most expensive steak restaurant for his farewell dinner, I couldn't bear it several times. I still want to ask her.
Instead of answering me, she lowered her head and began to rummage through her bag for her sunglasses. After searching for a long time, she finally found it.The moment she put on the sunglasses again, she became invincible and blind again.The firewall and anti-virus software in the lower right corner of her computer were turned on again.But I knew that she didn't want me to see her red eyes.
Later, on the way back, when the car was driving on the elevated road, she suddenly looked at the gray sky ahead and said without thinking: "I am not happy anymore."
"What?" I didn't respond.
"This is the answer Neil gave me when I asked him why he wanted to go back to the United States." Gu Li held the steering wheel tightly with his hands and trembled, crying, "I am not happy anymore."
She repeated the sentence word by word.
I remember the first time I watched "Dream of Red Mansions", I was still in elementary school, and I couldn't fully understand it at that time.Later, when I got to know Nanxiang, a literary girl, I re-read it under her almost fanatical recommendation. Of course, when I read the descriptions that made our young girls who had just started their sinuses and menstruation blushed. Suddenly, the panicked faces of my parents at that time flashed across my mind, and I also understood why they locked the "Dream of Red Mansions" that I had opened and read dozens of pages overnight into the wooden box on the top of the wardrobe At that time, I even suspected that it was something like "Nine Yin Scriptures" or "Sunflower Treasure". After reading it, I would become a white-haired Mei Chaofeng, sticking out five black nails in the Five holes were scratched out of the human head.
This time, after I finished reading the whole "Dream of Red Mansions", I felt as if I had emerged from a deep, deep dream. Those people were in so much pain, their lives were so wonderful, yet so desolate.I always linger in my mind with the phrase "It's so clean to leave a piece of white land".
At this moment, I am looking at the seemingly endless elevated road in front of me. Its end is engulfed by the dust and smoke rising from the distance at the edge of my field of vision, and the city under the elevated road seems to be covered by gray cotton wool.
The sky is like an unclean mirror, reflecting this dilapidated world.
I suddenly remembered this sentence again, "It's so clean to leave a piece of white land."
It's all gone, so clean.
Walked really clean.
After returning to the villa, Gu Li and I were in no mood to talk.After taking off her coat, she went into the bathroom to take a shower.I lay on the sofa, catching all kinds of subtle sounds in the huge villa.But nothing, only the sound of rushing water coming from the bathroom.
Afterwards, in the empty room, on the upper and lower floors, there were only Gu Li and me.
Actions that have never been noticed before, such as opening the cabinet, such as changing high-heeled shoes, such as taking a water glass, such as putting down the keys, when we used to do these trivial things indifferently, we certainly never thought that one day, We'll hear the great echoes of doing these things.
Sometimes when I lie on the sofa, I feel as if I can hear the echo of my own breathing. It feels like someone is lying next to your ear and sighing for a long time.The sigh sounded very sad, very lost, very lonely.
One day when I walked through Nan Xiang's room, I felt the charm stuck on the door lintel again.
I suddenly remembered something, pushed open the door and walked into her room.I found the hardcover version of "A Dream of Red Mansions" from her bookcase, but she did not take it away.Because I gave this book to her, she didn't take it away because she didn't think it belonged to her.Or rather, something she didn't want anymore.I turned over the title page hastily, because I was afraid to see the words praising our friendship written in my dense handwriting, and I couldn't face them.I flicked through the pages of the book, and searched according to my memory. I wanted to find the source of the phrase "the land is so clean after falling into a vast expanse of whiteness".
Just when I was about to give up, I saw that complete paragraph.
Those who are officials will lose their fortunes; those who are rich and honored will lose all their gold and silver; those who are kind will escape death;Those who owe their life have their life repaid; those who owe their tears have exhausted their tears.It is not light to repay grievances, separation and reunion are predetermined.If you want to know your fate and ask about your previous life, you will be lucky if you grow old and rich.Those who see through will flee into Buddhism; those who are obsessed will lose their lives in vain.It's like throwing all the devoured birds into the forest, leaving a piece of white land, it's so clean!
I buried my face in the pages, and the strong smell of paper came to my nostrils.
My tears seeped into the yellowed paper, they were as hot as my blood, but I knew that they could not warm this sad story, this barren "Dream of Red Mansions".
In this huge and delicate world, people shed hot tears and boiling blood every day, but the blood and tears of thousands of mortals can't change its eternal coldness, can they?
A week later, it rained heavily for two days and one night.
After that heavy rain, late autumn in Shanghai came.
The courtyard of the villa was covered with thick yellow leaves.The dense tree shade in the community has been thinned by half in two days.Lots of light and cool sunlight shone on the still wet ground, and the thick, spicy aroma of plants became stronger as the fallen leaves rotted. The entire Nanjing West Road seemed to be turned into a huge traditional Chinese medicine shop.
Gu Li and I borrowed two huge bamboo brooms from the community property and started to clean up the fallen leaves in the courtyard.
The temperature in the morning was very low, and there was still frost on the leaves near the ground.The whole neighborhood was very quiet, there were no people there, and the two of us didn't chat. The rustling sound of us sweeping fallen leaves with a broom continued to echo in the air.
We swept the thick leaves toward that corner to the southwest, and the pile grew higher and higher.Now the fallen leaves are still very wet from the rain, but after a while, they will be dried by the wind and become brittle. At that time, only a fire is needed to burn them clean.At that time, sprinkle the plant ash in the soil of the garden, and it can be used as fertilizer.These leaves come from the soil and go back to the soil.I remembered what the ancients often said, the vegetation is withered and flourishing, neither sad nor happy.
It's just that Jian Xi, Gu Yuan, Wei Hai, Nan Xiang, Tang Wanru, and Neil are missing in the courtyard. The housecleaning that should have been extremely lively, full of absurdities, and full of jokes has become deserted now. .Last Christmas, we also got together to hang ceramic Christmas balls and glass bells on the cedar tree at the door, and we also set up a barbecue grill in the yard, although in the end we only roasted a pile of black "carcinogens" , but our good mood is not affected at all, because as long as there is alcohol, it is enough to reduce the laughter of all of us to the level of mental retardation, "Xiao Ming walked one day and stepped on dog shit!" "... … Hahahahahaha is funny !! "As long as there are laughter, people are happy.
I stopped suddenly.I turned my head to look at Gu Li's back, the empty lawn and the outline of the old villa in the mist in the distance, making her even more lonely.I even remembered that when we went to Mount Emei, we saw those monks cleaning the long stone steps in front of the monastery alone in the early morning.In such an atmosphere, the whole courtyard exudes a kind of cool sadness.
In the distance, I heard the postman ringing the bicycle bell.
I wiped my hands on the overalls, took off my mask, and opened the small gate to the courtyard.The postman handed me a thin envelope.
I opened it up and found two postcards sent by Neil from New York, one for me and Gu Li, with the same writing on the back, only one line of beautiful short English sentences, which we are all familiar with, and Neil’s fluent English handwriting.
I smoothed my hair and sat down on the stone steps in the courtyard, Neil's hormonal British face floating in front of me.His deep eyes, straight nose, broad chest and shoulders with strong muscles.It had only been a few days since we saw him off at the airport, but for some reason it felt like years.
I turned around and found that Gu Li had disappeared.
I stood up and walked into the house. I turned up and down in a circle, but I didn't see Gu Li. When I returned to the living room on the first floor, I found that Gu Li had locked himself in the bathroom.
I lay on the door, knocked on the door lightly, and didn't speak.Because I heard Gu Li crying inside.
I pressed my forehead against the wooden door, and the coldness from the wooden boards made me inexplicably sad.My right hand kept patting the door panel, as if in harmony with some inaudible melodious rhythm in the air. If anyone saw my appearance at this moment, they would definitely think that I was a mad female patient.
But I knew in my heart that I was actually fantasizing that what I patted was not the wooden door, but Gu Li's back, just like every time we vomited in the toilet after we were drunk, she stood behind us , while brushing our hair and patting us on the back.
How could I not know that the saddest person is Gu Li.
This huge villa, which has been used by us in countless places like "I have to work overtime again today, I can't go home on time", "When you go home, help me bring this information back", "Pure water at home" In the sentence "Don't eat at home at night, go out to eat", the place called "home" was built by Gu Li.
I slowly squatted down and leaned against the door, calling her in a low voice from time to time: "Gu Li?"
Once again my eyes fell on Neil's handwriting to us:
I will always miss you like a darling.
(End of this chapter)
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Chapter 193 3 hours ago -
One Piece: The King of Whistleblower
Chapter 411 3 hours ago -
At the beginning, he was regarded as a ghost exorcist.
Chapter 373 3 hours ago -
Da Qin: Become a Ying Zheng system at the beginning
Chapter 169 3 hours ago -
Horror Reincarnation: Hundred Times Reward
Chapter 318 3 hours ago -
Han Zong: Starting from Chinatown, dominate South Korea
Chapter 51 3 hours ago -
Man at the End of the World: Obtain Transformers Legion at the beginning
Chapter 140 3 hours ago -
Ke Xue: Starting from becoming Yuanzi Yunyang’s boyfriend
Chapter 76 3 hours ago -
America: Starting with the acquisition of MGM
Chapter 244 9 hours ago -
Marvel becomes a knight starting from Drive
Chapter 540 9 hours ago
