Starting from the pursuit of talented girls

Chapter 57 Letter

Wang Song:

Seeing letters is like meeting.

When you read this letter, I should have already settled down in a strange city.

Perhaps you have discovered that I did not take the college entrance examination.

Don't worry about me, don't go to me, I'm fine, I've never been better.

You've finished your math exam too, now should be the time when we meet in the library every night.

Although I think there is a high probability that I will come back to you, but no one can say for sure what will happen in the future.

That being the case, take this letter as the last time we meet.

I told you a long time ago that I don't agree to your confession because I have more important things to pursue.

You should have guessed that this more important thing is freedom.

This wasn't a choice I made on impulse, it was something I had planned a long time ago.

For a long time, I have been working towards this goal, and freedom has almost become my obsession.

I must go.

With you being so smart, you should have thought that such a day would come, right?
Well, just after writing these few words, the memories of me and you have already started to emerge in my mind, colliding back and forth, lingering.

Already starting to feel sad.

After careful recollection, I found that most of the time we get along is that you are talking and I am listening.

I like listening to you talk very much, listening to you share some very trivial things with me, it is very warm and interesting.

I had no friends since I was a child, and no one would listen to what I said at home, so I gradually lost the desire to express myself.

If we are really together, I should be a very boring girlfriend, right?
——At first, I wanted to write more about my feelings for you to prove that I really like you, but after thinking about it carefully, since we have already parted, no matter how much I say, it will be nothing more than a mirror image. It's just a pity.

I have told you what I can say before, think about it carefully, the only thing I can say to you in the letter is 'sorry'.

Sorry, Wang Ge.

I was the one who listened to you before, since this is the last time we met, then you should listen to me nagging.

You should have a general idea of ​​the affairs of my family, so I won't mention them any more.

I'll just express my inner feelings to you - or you can take this as a confidant or a rant, that's fine.

I am in pain, Wang Ge.

Not only the shackles brought by my family, but also the strong conflict between moral ethics and my personal will.

I hate this family, my incompetent and irritable mother, and my silent and cowardly father.

But the education I received since I was a child told me that this kind of thinking is wrong. In any case, they are the parents who gave birth to me and raised me. I should be grateful to them.

So, I'm both disgusted with my family and guilty of that disgust.

The family full of bondage is tormenting me, and the guilt is eroding me.

In intense pain, I have made the decision I am making now.

Namely: Escape from your present life.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not running away from the problem, on the contrary, I'm running away to better solve the problem.

My thinking is simply that if I accept a moral concept that conflicts with my own will, then it is wrong—at least not for me.

These words may be a little too arrogant, but you know, Wang Ge, my thinking is always different from most people, and it is always a little strange.

It seems to me that ideas may deceive me, but my feelings do not.

The suffocation, depression, and pain I feel are so real and deep in the bone marrow, they will not lie to me.

There have been many ways in human history to enslave others.

Shackles are used to enslave behavior; the prison of words is used to enslave speech; stereotyped selection of scholars is used to enslave thought.

But, Wang Ge, from ancient times to the present, in 5000 years of civilization, there has never been any kind of slavery that can enslave our feelings.

The freedom of feeling is the lowest, most self-centered, and most inalienable freedom for everyone.

Before I become numb, my feelings never lie to me, pain is pain, it can never turn into pleasure.

Therefore, I confirm that there is a certain error in my concept.

But I still feel guilty, and still in pain.

Because this concept has already penetrated into my heart and mind and become a part of me.

Even my Three Views are based on this concept. Now if I want to deny this concept, wouldn’t that deny me as a whole?

After experiencing the initial pain and despair, I gradually realized that my mind was being bound and enslaved by the concepts I had built up since I was a child.

Even if I break away from the control of my parents, the concepts I have formed over the years will not be changed. This bondage will still exist, high above and above my thoughts.

Just like a tattooed prisoner, even if he is released from prison after serving his sentence, the shame mark engraved on his face will not disappear, and will accompany them throughout their lives.

After coming to this conclusion, I was even more miserable, and even had the idea of ​​committing suicide for a while.

I can't accept such a future, and I can't stand myself who is not free.

But there are always two sides to everything.

While suffering, it also made me think about freedom, this grand proposition, at a deeper level.

What exactly is freedom?

With so many inescapable shackles in the real world, how to achieve freedom?
What should the freedom I want look like?
……

In constant reading and long-term thinking, I got some answers.

But the road ahead is still bleak and foggy.

But it doesn't matter, I can slowly explore and try.

Only after you try it will you know if it works or not.

I'm still young, I have the chance of trial and error.

Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains.

The material world has all kinds of shackles that cannot be broken free, so I must at least realize freedom in the spiritual world.

So, I'm going to try, reinvent myself.

Each of us came to this world naked, like a piece of blank paper, but with the passage of time, writing began to appear on the blank paper, which is the imprint and influence deposited on us by the outside world.

Concepts are thus formed, and shackles emerge accordingly.

This is where the source of my misery comes from.

That is: this blank paper belongs to me, but it is not me who writes and draws on this blank paper.

This is unfreedom.

So, I'm going to reinvent myself.

Reshape my thoughts, my ideas, my three views, and everything that doesn't belong to me or come from me.

Only in this way can I pursue the illusory, elusive freedom.

That's why I'm leaving without saying goodbye—to do this, I have to cut off from my past and step into a completely new life.

I don't know if the path I've chosen is the right one, but I never will know until I try to follow it.

Since the mark tattooed on my face cannot be washed off, I will peel off my entire face.

Only by throwing away all the shackles and imprints brought about by my past life can my life become a blank sheet of paper again.

Only then, Wang Ge, will I be able to carefully write your name on the white paper by recalling the pen.

please believe.

I shall be free, and we shall meet again.

that's all.

Chen Yanxi.

Afternoon of June [-]th.

　Xixi's story comes to an end here, but her letters will appear in the following plots from time to time.

　　Let us look forward to what form we will reunite with her next time.

　　
　
(End of this chapter)