Why it never ends

Chapter 367 The Past
Between half-dream and half-awake, Hesta faintly felt something pecking at her shoulder, like the withered yellow leaves blown down by the wind in early autumn, and she was a little confused whether this feeling came from a dream or reality. Until the slight pain hit her bare left hand.

A light red spot was poked on the skin by the tip of the paper. Hesta woke up abruptly. When he got up, a pile of paper airplanes crashed down on his body. Not far away, Anna was calmly sending out the The last paper airplane, this time, Hesta tried to catch it and barely caught it.

She gently dropped the plane on the ground, "... How old are you, and you still play this game?"

"You can play this at any age, origami is not illegal." Anna looked at her with a smile, "Are you watching "Origin"?"

"Hmm." Hesta closed the book in his arms.

"How many chapters have you read?"

"... let's start."

Anna raised her eyebrows slightly, as if she had guessed the result long ago. Hesta felt a little contempt from it, and she looked up at Anna more confidently.

"If there's a book, you know it's probably worth reading, but you can't read it every time you hold it in your hand, do you know what that means?"

"...It means that I am not in a good state."

"It means that it's not time for you to read this book. There are many good books that have been tested by time in the world. How about reading other books first?"

"You don't understand," Hesta looked down at the slightly damaged cover of "Origin", "a friend gave it to me."

"uh-huh?"

"There are many... things that should be talked about, but I didn't talk about it," Hesta stopped looking at Anna, and every word seemed to be addressed to herself. She paused for a long time, and her mind seemed to drift away with the words.

"But if you miss it, you will miss it, and there will be no tomorrow."

There was a light knock on the wooden door behind her. Hesta turned her head and saw Zero stepping into the room again. She was holding an incubator and an unused yellow medical waste bag in her hand.

"I'm back." Zero placed the cold incubator on the small table next to Hesta, "Do you need me to give you an injection?"

"……thanks."

With Zero's help, Hesta took off his coat and shirt on the right side. At the same time, a series of shocking new scars were also exposed in front of Anna—these scars lay along Hesta's With just a glance at the severed arm and chest, Anna could almost imagine the fresh wounds in the shape of cracks.

"Are these injuries left by you in the last mission?"

"No." Hesta said softly, "I should have done it myself... I don't remember clearly."

"During the illness?"

"Ah."

"Are you taking your medicine properly?"

"There are."

"There is now," Anna repeated the answer, "So it seems that there was no before?"

Hesta didn't respond.

A cotton ball soaked in alcohol was wiped on the outside of Hesta's right arm, bringing a sudden coolness, and she looked sideways at Zero's hand holding the needle—even though Zero looked so young, her movements were very skilled.

"When was the last time you were vaccinated against rabies?" Zero asked.

Hesta tried hard to remember, "About... a year and a half ago."

"After that, two more injections are required." Zero whispered.

After finishing the injection, Zero withdrew the needle and threw all the disposables into the yellow waste bag.

The soreness from the intramuscular injection came belatedly, and Hesta moved his arm slightly, and began to dress himself with one hand.

"I'm curious," Anna propped her chin with one hand, "What does it feel like to have an illness? It's hard for you to walk for a long time now, and you get tired easily... Are these also symptoms of your illness?"

"No, these are all side effects of the drug. In theory, after the drug is completely stopped, it will recover after a while."

"Interesting," Anna looked away thoughtfully, as if thinking, "I've heard about your situation, the trigger point that caused the disease..."

"Miss Chiba told you?"

"No."

"It doesn't matter," Hesta said in a low voice, "I often think about what happened last winter... I tried my best, but it's impossible for people to predict everything, I know it."

Hesta's frankness surprised Anna a little.

"Now that you've tried force withdrawal, how does it feel?"

"Very good," Hesta said softly, "It's easier to think about things, your hands don't shake, and you can stay awake for more than fourteen hours a day... In short, everything is good, but I just want to die, especially."

"Can't control it?"

While thinking about the answer, Hesta fastened her own buttons slowly. Halfway through, she suddenly found that all the buttons were one step up, so she started to unbutton them again.

"At first I had some hallucinations, feeling that some bugs were biting me, but it didn't last long," she said softly, "and then some obsessive thoughts, which are better than phantom pain, but they are also very troublesome, for example, seeing The pen in the nurse's hand wanted to hit it with her eyes, and when she saw the shattered glass, she wanted to hide some and go back to eat...

"The doctors at the base taught me some methods, such as letting these thoughts drift past my mind and not fighting. It did work a bit at first, but the effect was not long-lasting."

"and after?"

"Later, we tried a dozen kinds of medicines. The doctors found the combination with the least side effects for me, but after taking the medicines, I would still become disabled... So after a while, I secretly stopped the medicines."

"Are those obsessive thoughts coming back?"

"Well, it's stronger than before." Hesta said softly, "The base has taken away all the dangerous items, and they have tried their best, but when a person really wants to die, she always finds that there are It's a tool... I know that's not good, every time this kind of thought comes up, I will use my own method to restrain it."

Anna raised her hand to compare her chest and right arm, "So your injuries..."

"It's easier to wake up with pain."

"really."

Hesta's expression became a little stiff, and she recalled several bad nights again.On those nights, what happened was always surprisingly similar—when she regained consciousness, she was already standing in a pool of blood, and Turan hugged her tightly, or clamped her, making her unable to move.

The smell of blood spread, and Turan called her name with sobs.

Although all this ended when Yanni discovered that Hesta was spitting out medicine secretly, for quite a long time afterwards, those scenes occasionally turned into nightmares, making Hesta break out in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

"But don't worry about it."

Hesta's every word was as slow as the movement of her hands, and after fastening the second-to-last button on the neckline, she smoothed out the creases in the hem.

"Not now."

(End of this chapter)